第 26 页

He doesn't know, Jack thought suddenly. Caleb had no idea his daddy was a coward, and a crazy one at that. He didn't know Jack wasn't worthy of unconditional love. He knew only that without his parents, he was alone.

Try.

That's all Lissa had asked of Jack. That he try. Try to be a father, try to express his love for his children.

He wanted to. Christ, how he wanted to. But he was afraid. What if he tried and failed? Wasn't that worse than not trying at all? Better to be no parent, as his own father had been, than to be a father who hurt his children....

Try.

Don't do it. You'll fail. You'll hurt them all.

Of course he'd fail?that was a given. He'd failed at everything he'd ever tried.

They deserve better, Jack. He glanced down at Caleb, and this time it was Jack's eyes that filled with burning tears. Emotion curled around his heart and squeezed so hard, his whole body ached.

He swallowed thickly, tasting the metallic aftertaste of tears. He owed them a father who at least tried.

The way it was now, he was being the father he'd been taught to be. The realization sickened and shamed him. Hadn't he sworn not to extend the circle of pain begun by his own self-centered, silently cruel, unforgiving parents?

Hadn't he and Johnny sworn it together?

Johnny.

Jack let out his breath in a pain-filled sigh. He and Johnny had sworn to be good, loving parents. But Johnny never had the chance to fulfill that vow.

Jack had the chance, but he'd thrown it away. He was so afraid of failing, he'd never let himself even try. In church he'd vowed to make a new beginning.

Don't be afraid. Be a man. For once, be a man....

"Please, God," he murmured, "show me the way. Show me what to do...."He closed his eyes and prayed. And for the first time in many, many years, he was absolutely certain someone was listening.

Jack woke to the sound of laughter. He blinked sleepily and pushed up to one elbow, careful not to disturb Caleb, who was still sleeping peacefully against Jack's chest. He cradled the baby in his arms, staring down at his son's perfect, innocent face.

There was the sound of feet thumping down the hallway, then Katie burst breathlessly into the bedroom. "Hi, Daddy!" she said with a gap-toothed grin. "We got somethin' for you."Savannah came up behind her sister, and she, too, was smiling broadly.

Jack lifted one eyebrow derisively. "Another surprise?"Katie's smile fell, and Jack immediately cursed his thoughtless sarcasm. He forced a smile. "If it's half as good as the last one, I'll be happy."Katie grinned again. "It is, really and truly."She and Savannah hurried to his bedside. "Don't look, Daddy; close your eyes."Jack did as he was told. He heard the rattling clank of little hands pawing through half-empty buckets.

"Okay," Savannah said, "open your eyes."Jack opened his eyes and found himself staring at four shallow, wooden-framed boxes that were lined carefully against the foot of the bed. Each box had a pressed, perfect-looking flower fastened to its slatted back, and beneath each flower was a single word. Together they read: Happy Father's Day, Daddy.

^

Jack's throat closed up. Emotion rendered him speechless.

"Happy Father's Day, Jack," Lissa said quietly from the doorway.

Jack turned to look at her, and immediately felt as if he'd been punched in the heart. She looked breathtakingly beautiful. Her hair was a leaf-and-twig-infested curtain of honey gold that slid down her arms and curled against her hip. Her pale skin had been darkened to a peachy pink by the warm sun, and her full mouth was curved in a heartbreaking smile.

He swallowed thickly. "What's Father's Day?" A frown passed across her brow, then disappeared. "Oh. I guess I just invented it. It's supposed to be in June sometime, but I figured May was close enough." She smiled. "It's a day to tell your father how much he means to you. How ... much you love him." "Daddy? Are you okay?" Savannah asked quietly. Daddy. The word twisted Jack's heart. He hadn't been much of one to her?probably couldn't be if he tried. But he was sick and tired of pretending not to care. Tired of living in an isolated, lonely world full of aching silences and wrenching regrets.

Don't do it. You'll fail. At the thought, Jack felt a rush of fear. It was easier somehow to be a father to Caleb; he was an infant. Caleb wouldn't know for years if his father had failed. Even Katydid might not notice, but Savannah was different. She was older, wiser. She'd see. She'd know he'd tried to be something he couldn't. She'd know he failed, and the failure would break both their hearts. I won't fail.

But this time the words didn't matter. Maybe he would fail, he thought tiredly, and maybe he wouldn't. But one thing he knew for sure?had always known?was that not trying was the biggest failure of all.

Enough was enough, he decided. God had given him this chance for a new beginning?given it to all of them. And Jack wouldn't run away this time. He wouldn't be a coward again.

He turned slightly and gave Savannah a bright, love-filled smile. "I'm fine. Now, why don't you two climb on up here and tell me how you made these wonderful boxes."Savannah and Katie clambered on either side of him, sitting close, and began animatedly talking about flower picking and pressing.

Jack felt as if a thousand-pound weight had been lifted from his back. A warm sensation began in the pit of his stomach and spilled outward, radiating a sense of peace throughout his body. Tentatively he curled an arm around each girl's shoulder. Savannah and Katie immediately snuggled closer.

He laughed at something Katie said and looked up.

Lissa was still standing in the doorway, looking at him. Tears magnified her eyes. He was somehow certain that she knew how hard today had been. And that she was proud of him for making the effort.

Love for her washed through him in an overwhelming wave. "Thanks," he mouthed.

Eyes sparkling, she smiled. Then, plucking up her burr-dotted skirts, she came over and climbed up onto the bed, gently drawing Caleb into her arms. Savannah moved over to make room for her. Katie snuggled closer on Jack's lap. As his loved ones came closer, clustered around him, Jack felt the most powerful emotion he'd ever felt in his life.

For the first time ever, they were a family.

Chapter Eighteen

That night, Tess sat on the swing, her fingers curled loosely around the rough ropes, and swung very slowly, letting her bare feet drag on the cold, dark earth.

She closed her eyes. The sounds of the night mesmerized her. The distant, echoing whoosh of the sea on the rocks and sand below, the airy cant of an early evening breeze, the shuffling movement of sheep settling down for the night.

She didn't take a single sound for granted; instead she focused on them one at a time, marveling in them all and the miracle it took for her to hear them.

"Lissa?"

Tess snapped upright and saw him standing on the porch, a tall, black shadow against the charcoal gray of the house.

Just looking at him made her heart speed up, her throat go dry. His name slipped from her lips and was lost in the breeze. Her fingers tightened around the scratchy rope.

"I ..." He moved, his footsteps a quiet thudding across the wooden porch. Then he stopped. "I'm going to bed."Take me with you. Tess swallowed hard, trying to still her racing heart. "Why are you telling me?"It took him forever to answer. Tess leaned forward, waiting. Ask me, Jack. Just hold out your hand to me....

"I wanted to say good night."

"Oh." Tess's hands unfurled, slid down the ropes, and landed in her lap. "Good night."He stood there for a while longer. Tess felt his gaze on her and knew he was trying to summon the courage to stay. Perhaps even to come closer.

"Well ... good night." He turned and disappeared into the house. The door creaked quietly shut behind him.

Tess let out her breath in a disappointed sigh. Standing, she hugged herself and walked idly around the tree. Tiny pebbles clung to her bare feet as she wandered across the dirt road and headed into the grass. Thin, swaying stalks tickled her ankles.

She stared at Haro Strait far below, its shimmering gray-black surface streaked by a single, wobbling finger of blue-white moonlight. Stars danced like fallen diamond chips across the night sky.

She knew what she wanted to do right now, but she was afraid. The realization irritated the hell out of her. Never in her life had she been a coward, and yet now, faced with the greatest opportunity of her life, she was skulking outside like a frightened kitten. Waiting.

It didn't make sense. Adversity had always spurred her to accept greater and greater challenges. When they told her a deaf girl couldn't be a doctor, she proved them wrong; when they told her she might be able to get an education, but she'd never be able to find employment, she proved them wrong again; and when they'd told her cancer didn't have a cure, she'd dedicated her life to changing that.

But somehow all of those challenges paled in comparison to this one. Then, she'd risked being laughed at or, at worst, failing where few had ever succeeded. Here, with Jack, she was risking something greater, something infinitely more precious.

Her chance to belong.

What if he laughed at her, or turned her away? What if all the loving glances and quiet smiles were in her mind, a figment of her own love-starved imagination?

Then you'll get hurt. The answer came as easily as the question. Surprisingly, it calmed her down.

She'd been hurt before, and she'd always survived. If the worst happened tonight and Jack rejected her, she'd get over that, too.

Someone had to take a chance here; that much was obvious. Both she and Jack were desperately afraid of being hurt, and they were both immobilized by that fear.

No more, Tess decided suddenly. She had a chance here?a chance she'd waited for all her life. A chance she'd died to find. And she wasn't going to throw it away because of a few fluttery nerves and old anxieties.

If Jack rejected her, she'd simply wait for another opportunity and try again. And again and again and again. Jack was her future, her destiny, and she wasn't about to walk away from him.

Jack sat stiff as a board on the sofa, the blanket thrown haphazardly across his knees, his hands coiled in his lap.

The house was still and quiet. Every now and then a breeze rattled the windowpane behind him, but other than that transient noise and the quickened tenor of his breathing, the place was silent. In the kitchen a lone candle sat on the table, its glow splashing across the white tablecloth.

Then he heard it. The doorknob was turning.

Jack's heart picked up speed, thudded in his ears. The door squeaked and whined, then clicked shut.

Lissa picked up the candle and moved toward him. Wreathed in pale, golden candlelight, she looked like an angel. Honey-hued hair curled riotously across her brow and hung in undulating waves along her arms. Her eyes, an even deeper brown in the uncertain light, glowed like I pools of promise against the creamy oval of her face. The white eyelet of her stand-up collar looked fragile against the curve of her neck. "Jack?"He tensed. "Yeah?" "I've made a decision." "Should I ask?"She came toward him. As she got closer, he could see that she was smiling, a soft, beguiling smile that made his breathing speed up even more. "Probably not."She set her candle on the table in front of him. The metal holder clanked down hard. Light spilled across the scarred wooden surface and cast the area between them in pale gold. Straightening, she stared down at him. For a second, he thought she was going to come closer.

He tensed. But she didn't move. She just stood there, hair cascading in a golden waterfall around her face, hands clasped at her waist, staring down at him.

His throat felt so dry, it was difficult to speak. "W-What do you want?""How long have we been married?" Confusion made him stutter. "Thirteen y-years or so." She nodded. "And how long have you been sleeping in another room?"Jack knew suddenly where this conversation was going. Emotions hurtled through him?fear, excitement, hope. He licked his paper-dry lips and said quietly, "Ever since I got out."She frowned. Jack saw his mistake instantly. She didn't remember about the hospital or his "injuries." "Out of where?"He didn't answer, and after a few silent moments, she asked again. "How long on the couch, Jack?" "Almost eight years." She looked down at him again, and the look in her eyes was infinitely soft and welcoming. Longing twisted his in-sides into a throbbing knot. "That's a long time." "Yeah." "Long enough."Jack froze, swallowed. "What are you saying?" She drew in a deep, shaking breath. He could see that she was nervous, perhaps even afraid, but she was going forward anyway. "I'm saying a husband and wife should sleep together."Jack moved slowly to a sit "Sleep ... together?" "Yes,"Jack didn't move, didn't even breathe. It was closing in on him, stalking him, turning his every rational thought into a pile of imperceptible rubble. Need. Dark, aching, drenching need.

She reached her hand out. It was pale and trembling in the weak candlelight. "Come to bed, Jack." He shook his head slowly. "I don't think?" "Good. Don't.""Jesus, Lissa." He said her name on a quiet exhalation of breath.

She moved toward him quickly, a flash of white lawn in the candlelight, and dropped to her knees. Jack stared into her eyes and was completely and utterly lost. She was breathtakingly beautiful, so beautiful, it hurt to look at her. Smiling, she touched his face. Her flesh felt warm and solid and right against his cheek. He shivered in response and fell that much further under her spell. "Don't be afraid," she breathed.

Jack sighed and tried to look away, but she wouldn't let him. Her hand held his face firmly in place; her eyes remained fixed on his. "Please ..." she murmured.

Jack looked deeply into her eyes, searching for some hint that it was all a lie, but even as he studied her, he knew the truth. This was no act, no game. She wasn't Amarylis anymore. She was Lissa, and she was reaching out to him.