第 35 页

He stood rooted to the spot, his heart pumping in his ears. Rain slashed against a familiar window. Wind rattled the glass.

The bedroom, he realized. He was in the bedroom. With a sigh of relief, he yanked his long Johns off the bedpost and got dressed. Lightning flashed twice in rapid succession, trans forming the window into an eerie mirror. For a split second Jack stared into his own haunted, frightened face. Then the image changed slightly, and he was staring into Johnny's dead, lifeless eyes.

It was happening again.

The darkness was coming. He could feel it creeping up on him, inexorably padding through the shadowy blackness of his mind. It was coming to take him away.

He turned for the door and ran down the hallway, through the menacing shadows of the house. As he rounded the kitchen table, thunder reverberated. The dishes in the dresser clattered together, the table creaked.

He skidded to a stop. Lightning flashed, and in the momentary light, he saw Johnny's face again in the window. Pale. Dead. Accusing. Jacko, where were you? I needed you, needed you, needed you. . ..

Fear devoured Jack. His heartbeat turned into a deafening roar in his ears.

He had to get out of here. Now, before the darkness came. Before he hurt someone. Shaking, breathing hard, he reached for the door.

Something grabbed his arm. "Jack, please ..."He flinched at the sound of his wife's voice. Longing spilled through him in hot, desperate waves. He swallowed thickly. If only he could turn and take her in his arms and hold her until the danger was past, until she made it go away.

Maybe if you talked about it. Her words pushed their way into his foggy brain, bringing with them a need so strong, he almost sank to his knees. He squeezed his eyes shut, curled his hands into shaking fists. God, if only it were that simple.

He wanted to talk to her, ached to talk with her. The need to try was like a hard, dry knot in his chest. If only.

But he'd tried that before.

The memory hit him like a splash of cold water. He couldn't talk about his past, couldn't reopen wounds that were held together with unraveling threads of fear. If he told her the truth about himself, this fantasy love affair would end. Either she'd remember why she'd hated him before, or she'd start fresh from today. At the end of his horrible confession, she'd look at him through new, narrowed eyes. She'd see his failure, his shame, and she'd never be able to love him again.

He couldn't do it, couldn't watch the love in her eyes shrivel and die. Couldn't bear the thought that the warmth of her touch would turn icy cold again.

He looked down at her, feeling old and tired. Their gazes met. Her dark eyes were sad?so sad, it shamed him to the depths of his soul.

"Stay," she whispered, clutching his arm. "Please ..." "I can't." His voice was ragged and torn. "But, Jack?"He grabbed her by the shoulders, holding her at arm's length. "Don't you understand? I could hurt you. Jesus, I could?" He looked away. "Go back to bed," he said in a voice so frayed, he didn't even recognize it. "Please ..." Then, cursing thickly, he flung the door open. It hit the side of the house with a crack. She lurched toward him. "Don't go, please, we can?" He gave her one last, longing look, then he grabbed his boots and coat and ran from the house.

Tess ran after him onto the rain-slicked porch. Fear suffocated her, settled in her lungs like a dull, throbbing ache.

Rain slashed at her naked breasts and ran in rivulets down her stomach. Drumrolls of thunder pulsated through the night. Gray-black rain clouds boiled ominously overhead. Far below, angry waves churned and crashed against invisible boulders.

"Jack!" she screamed, but the wind dashed her voice into nothing.

A series of lightning bolts shot from the heavens and illuminated the farm. In the flash of unearthly light, she saw him, a shadowy, hunched-over figure running past the barn and down the hill.

"Don't go ..." This time the words were no more than a whispered prayer she knew he couldn't hear.

The lightning flashed again, and he was gone.

Tess stood rooted to the spot, naked and shivering. Terror, colder and more debilitating than anything she'd ever known, washed through her in wave after ice-cold wave. Her body trembled with it, her eyes burned.

He wasn't coming back.

At the realization, Tess's legs gave out. She sank to her knees on the hard, wet floor. Her breathing was rapid and shallow, and every breath hurt.

He didn't trust her. Even now, after everything, he didn't trust her. Maybe he never would.

"Please." The word was a broken thought, a formless longing. "Please ..."She brought her hands to her lap and stared down at the shaking, frozen fists. Tears squeezed past her lashes and blurred her vision. It was slipping through her fingers, slipping so fast, she couldn't get a hold. Everything she'd ever wanted or needed or ached for was here, in this house, and she couldn't hold on. He wouldn't let her.

A sob broke free and spilled from her trembling lips.

"Come back, Jack," she whispered, tasting the mingled moisture of her tears and the rain. "Please come back ..."Tess stumbled back into her bedroom and collapsed on the bed. She lay there for a long time, curled in the fetal position, shivering and praying, Please, God, just bring him back safe. Please ...

Someone knocked at the door.

For a heart-stopping moment, she thought it was Jack, then she realized he wouldn't knock. She let her breath out in a defeated sigh and slipped into her lawn nightgown.

"Come in," she called out wearily.

The door opened. Savannah and Katie stood in the doorway, their faces pale with uncertainty.

Tess tried to smile but couldn't quite manage it.

Savannah twisted her fingers together. "Is Daddy gone again?"Sadness wrenched through Tess. The heart she thought she'd lost twisted hard. The girls?her girls?were trying so hard to be brave, not to cry. The realization reminded Tess that they were a family now. A family. None of them had to suffer alone; they had one another.

"Come on over," she said, patting the bed next to her.

They were beside her in a second, clambering up onto the big bed. Katie snuggled alongside her mother and tilted her small face up. "Will he be back?"Tess swallowed a lump of fear. She wished she could lie. Yes, girls, I'm sure your father is fine. He knows how to take care of himself. No doubt it was the parental thing to do?say anything to ease their minds.

But as she stared down into Katie's earnest, frightened eyes, she knew she couldn't do that. They were a family now, and they'd weather their storms together. "I don't know. I wish I did."They lapsed into silence, each lost in her own fears, her own thoughts. Tess tried to calm herself down, tried to call upon the rational scientist she'd been all her life, but she couldn't quite manage it. She was so afraid....

Focus. Concentrate.

She took a deep, ragged breath and counted silently to ten. She had to be strong now. For Jack, for the children. He was in trouble, real trouble, and he needed her. She needed to look at this situation with a clear head and figure out what the hell to do. How to help him.

She felt herself calm down. She was on familiar ground now. The beginning of any project was always the same. Gather data and find facts. As a scientist, she'd learned to take a particularly thorny project slowly, studying it from every angle before she began. One misstep, one rushed diagnosis, could botch the whole experiment.

She glanced down at her wrist. Tiny blue marks were just beginning to form against her pale flesh. It was tender where his fingers had squeezed. He hadn't known he was hurting her; she was almost certain. She didn't think he even knew he was touching her. Or even that she was there beside him.

When she'd called out his name, he'd looked confused and disoriented. And desperately afraid.

Fear was the key; she was sure of it.

"What are you so afraid of, Jack?" she murmured, unaware that she'd voiced the question aloud until Savannah answered her.

"Loud noises, I think."

Tess's trancelike concentration snapped. "Huh?""I think loud noises make him leave," Savannah said quietly. "You know, like thunder, firecrackers, rain on the roof, gunshots. When he hears noises like that, he goes ... crazy."Tess frowned in thought, trying to analyze the information. Loud noises made him run. And then what?

How long have I been gone?

Tess's heartbeat quickened. Loud noises made him run away, and afterward, he didn't remember what he'd done or how long he'd been gone. Blackout.

She was getting closer.

Loud noises. Nighttime. Temporary amnesia. What was the connection?

"What's a coward?" Katie asked.

The question caught Tess completely off guard. Reluctant to let go of the puzzle, she glanced down at Katie. "Why do you ask?""You always say Daddy's a coward, and that's why Johnny's dead."Tess gasped at the cruelty of the remark. It took a moment to compose herself enough to answer. She curled her arms more tightly around both girls, feeling the slight trembling of their bodies. "Your daddy's not a coward.""How do you know?" Savannah asked.

Tess smiled grimly. "Because he stayed with me all these years. And from what I can tell, that takes courage of the purest kind."Katie smiled and leaned against Tess again.

Absently Tess smoothed the child's hair. Again they lapsed into silence. It was a few seconds before Katie's innocent question hit home.

Johnny.

You always say Daddy's a coward, and that's why Johnny's dead.

Tess straightened. "Savannah, who's Johnny?""Daddy's brother. He died in the war. You know that."The war. The word landed in Tess's lap like a gift from God. Excitement made her heart race. She knew better than to jump to conclusions, but she couldn't help herself. Her next question came eagerly. "Was your daddy in the war, too?" "Yeah."Tess sagged with relief. The puzzle pieces fell into place. Gunshots, firecrackers, loud noises; they were all triggers.

Something had happened to Jack in the war. Something so terrible, he couldn't deal with it; so painful, his conscious mind worked to keep it covered and out of sight.

Whatever it was, he'd run from it then, and he was running from it now.

Tess leaned back into the pile of pillows. Hope surged through her. Now his fear had a name. A reason. It wasn't that he didn't trust her. It was that he didn't trust himself.

Tess's breath released in a relieved sigh. This was something they could work through.

"Hey," she said quietly, "do y'all want to sleep with me?" Both girls nodded at once.

Tess leaned over and blew out the lamp. Then, curling tightly together under the heavy coverlet, they all fell asleep.

Outside, the storm raged on.

The next morning dawned bright and beautiful, without a trace of the torrent that had ravaged the land the night before. Tess stood on the porch with Caleb in her arms, waving good-bye to the girls as they left for school. Beside her, the oak's leaves glistened in the pale sunlight.

In her arms, Caleb gurgled playfully. Rocking gently side to side, Tess stared across the rolling pasture and thought about last night.

Post traumatic stress disorder.

She'd studied the disorder in a few of her graduate-level psych courses. From what she could remember, it was a condition suffered by a wide range of people?accident survivors, rape and child abuse victims, wartime soldiers. Anytime a trauma was too intense or too severe to be handled, the mind simply shut it out in self-defense. Amnesia, blackouts, insomnia, anger, and depression were all completely normal responses.

In class, they hadn't specifically discussed the Civil War, but she knew it had to have been the most psychologically devastating of any war. Brothers, fathers, uncles,friends, all fighting one another, face-to-face. Killing one another.

Tess shivered at the thought. No wonder Jack had nightmares and couldn't sleep. He was grappling with a disorder that wouldn't be understood for another one hundred years. He probably thought he was insane.

Suddenly the haunted eyes made sense. So did the anger and the anxiety and the shield of silence. And the fear that he would hurt someone. They were all ways to deal with sanity that occasionally seemed to slip, with nights that wound their way through hell before coming to the light of morning.

That's why I'm here. The realization hit her hard. No one from this century could help Jack. It was up to someone with the knowledge of the future. It was up to Tess.

"I can help you, Jack," she murmured. "Just come home and let me try."Tears burned her eyes. Her voice cracked with emotion. "Just come home."Jack drifted in and out of consciousness. Finally he blinked awake, feeling groggy and disoriented.

Fear started as a queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach and graduated into a suffocating presence. His heart started beating faster, harder, thudding painfully in his rib cage.

He eased his eyes open and immediately regretted it. Late afternoon sunlight stabbed deep in his skull. He winced, knowing what would come next; what always came next.

The migraine began as a low, thudding pulse in the back of his head. With every heartbeat it expanded, seeping through his brain and drilling hard behind his eyes. Nausea churned in his gut, its vile, bitter taste invading his mouth.

Where the hell was he?

Frantically he searched for landmarks, and found none.

He was sitting beneath a tall cedar tree in the middle of a huge field. It could be any field, anywhere on the island. The only thing he knew for sure was that it wasn't his field.

Trembling, nauseous, he tried to stand, but his legs were too weak to support his weight. Halfway up, he wobbled, reached blindly for the tree. Rough bark scraped his knuckles and bit deeply into the back of his hand. He yanked his hand back and pinned it protectively to his chest. Warm blood seeped into the dirty fabric of his long Johns.

Staggering sideways, he hit the tree hard. Pain ricocheted through his shoulder and shot down his arm. Panting hard, he leaned heavily against the thick trunk.