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There was so much pain here, so much she didn't understand. She felt again the involuntary urge to help, to touch, to heal. Just like when she'd seen Jack huddled piteously near the crib ...

She wanted to say something light and easy, something that would ease the heartache from the faces around her. But she couldn't think of a thing.

She tried to reach for Savannah, but the infant restricted her movement. All she could do was raise a single pointed finger toward the girl.

Only her finger didn't point at Savannah. It pointed at the door. At the gesture, Savannah's skin went ashen. Before Tess could utter a word, Savannah swirled and ran from the room. Katie followed at a scamper. The door slammed shut.

Jack leapt to his feet. "Damn you, Amarylis! Would it have hurt you to talk to them? They've been worried about you, for God's sake." "I thought?""Ha!" He surged toward her. The hollow sound of his bootheels slamming against the floor rang in Tess's head.

"You know what you're doing to her, goddamn you." "I just wanted?"He laughed. It was a harsh, bitter sound without a trace of mirth. "I know what the hell you want. Everyone does." He stared at her again through cold, narrowed eyes, then turned away from the bed as if sickened by the sight of her. He crossed the small room in three steps and yanked the door open, slamming it shut behind him.

Tess stared at the door, feeling?stupidly?another woman's guilt and regret.

Amarylis, it seemed, had not been a very good mother.

Jack slammed the door so hard, the rafters rattled. The girls jumped like scared rabbits and spun around to face him. Katie slunk behind her sister's full skirts.

He wanted to push past his children and run from this cursed house, and keep on running until he couldn't run anymore.

"Is Mama all right?" Savannah asked.

Jack looked at his eldest daughter and felt a jolt of emotion so strong, he almost cursed out loud. She was looking at him with a mixture of hope and love and desperation that serrated his heart.

How? he thought angrily. How could she love him after everything he'd done ... and not done?

Need rose in him like a sudden wave. He wanted? ached?to get down on his knees and take them in his arms.

But, of course, he didn't move. His hands remained bolted to his sides, and not a hint of softness crept into his hardened gaze. The only protection was in distance. If he cracked?even for an instant, as long as it took to say, "I love you"?the evil in his soul would slip out and devour his children.

But he wanted to. Sweet Christ, how he wanted to.

He swallowed the boulder-sized lump in his throat and prayed the emotions in his heart didn't reach his eyes. "She's fine. Doc Hayes says she'll be confused for a while. Might even forget some things. We're supposed to help her out."Katie peeked her head out from behind Savannah. "Caleb's a good name." "Caleb, huh?""Mama won't like it," Savannah said tonelessly.

Because we do. Jack had no trouble finishing the sad sentence. She was right, and all three of them knew it.

Amarylis took pleasure in stealing their joy. Jack knew he should say nothing, should simply turn his back and walk away. But God help him, he couldn't. Before he knew it, he found himself saying, "Well, maybe we should try it now, while she's ... confused."At Savannah's sudden smile, Jack felt a new wave of despair. It took so little to make his girls happy. So very, very little. And, damn his soul, he gave them even less.

"Carol," Tess hissed as soon as the door closed. "Get down here. Now!"Tess moved higher in bed. "Carol!" No answer.

Tess let her breath out in a frustrated sigh. She hadn't really expected Carol to answer. Apparently ghostly intervention was reserved for postdeath experiences. New lives were a new slate.

What was she supposed to do now? Be a pioneer wife? She shuddered at the thought. She didn't even like movies about pioneer wives. The women were always so dirty and overworked.

She glanced down at the baby curled so peacefully beside her and felt a rush of confusing emotions. Fear, hope, excitement. Mostly fear.

She didn't know the first thing about being a mother. Or a wife, for that matter. She'd never really been part of a family in her life. She'd never been in love, and now here she was, the matriarch of an apparently frightened, dysfunctional family and the mother of three?including a newborn. She didn't cook, clean, sew, understand children, or communicate particularly well.

She should have chosen the knight in shining armor. At least she could have outrun him.

"It's perfect, Carol," she said sarcastically. "I should fit right in."The sarcastic words were barely past her lips when she heard the doorknob turn. Seconds later, the family filed into her bedroom like a contingent of mute, defeated soldiers, with Jack in the lead. He stood tall and proud, far enough away from the girls to keep his distance, and yet close enough to make Tess wonder why he bothered to keep himself separate. His unkempt hair hung in wavy disarray to the broad shelf of his shoulders, where it lay curled like shavings of jet. Piercing green eyes impaled her from beneath a row of thick black eyebrows.

Savannah moved stiffly forward, her hands balled together at her waist. With her long, auburn braids and huge blue eyes, she looked like Dorothy facing the Wizard.

Tess leaned sideways in an attempt to see Katie. But the moment Tess shifted her weight, Katie scooted the opposite way. Again there was nothing to see but the child's drooping yellow ribbon and a flash of black hair.

Strange family, Tess thought again.

"Mama?" Savannah said quietly.

It took Tess a moment to remember that she was now their mother. Cautiously, she said, "Yes?""We ... We thought Caleb might be a nice name."Tess glanced down at the baby in her arms. "Caleb." The word rolled off her tongue with just the right sound. Of course, it wasn't her place to name the baby, and she wouldn't have presumed to disagree, and yet, strangely, they had chosen exactly the name she would have picked. She nodded, smiling slowly. "It's perfect."Katie poked her head out. "It is?"Tess smiled softly at the little girl. "Did you think of it?"Katie blushed furiously and disappeared again.

"And who diapered him?" Tess asked.

Savannah chewed on her lower lip. "I?I did. But if you want, I can do it a?""You did a perfect job. Thank you."Blood rushed to Savannah's milky white cheeks. "I gotta go." Turning quickly, she raced out of the room, with Katie fast on her heels.

Jack stared at Tess with an inscrutable expression. She couldn't tell if he was pleased or angry. Time stretched out, turned thick and uneasy. She wanted to speak, but couldn't think of what to say. The fiasco of the finger pointing had proved to Tess what an emotional minefield this family was. A person could say the wrong thing and get her head blown off.

The silence made Tess distinctly uncomfortable. She'd spent years?a lifetime?living in aching silence. It was something she'd never do again.

"Jack, I?"

"Don't worry, I'm leaving." He spun on his heels and barreled for the door.

It slammed shut just as Tess said, "?think we should talk."She stared at the door for a while, feeling strangely betrayed. Then, with a resigned sigh, she melted deeper into the pillows and closed her eyes. The unfamiliar scents of weathered wood, hand-washed cotton, and burning oil wreathed her senses. Sounds reached her ears and made her smile; soft, quiet noises that most people probably wouldn't notice. Creaking, settling boards, wind tapping against the windowpane, Caleb's steady breathing. To Tess, deaf since the age of seven, these sounds were a glorious explosion. A gift from God.

"Okay, Carol," she said quietly. "I'm here. I accept that. But what the hell am I supposed to do?"There was no answer; she hadn't expected one. As usual, Tess was on her own.

She rocked Caleb gently back and forth until he fell asleep, then she peeled back the covers and started to get out of bed.

Pain stopped her cold, reminding her forcibly that her body had just given birth. Slowing considerably, she shuffled toward the cradle and gingerly put the sleeping baby to bed.

Straightening, she pressed a fist to her aching back and turned around. The mirror winked at her, drew her. She moved cautiously toward the looking glass, feeling very much like Alice.

What she saw made her breath catch. Silky, cornsilk-blond hair wreathed an exquisite Grace Kelly face. Huge, liquid-soft brown eyes peered questioningly back at her.

She shook her head in amazement, mesmerized by the way the light caught and tangled in her long, golden hair. "Whew, when God gives you a second chance, He means it," she said in a smooth southern drawl.

Hobbling back to the bed, she snuggled under the heavy quilt. For the first time in her life, she went to sleep thinking she was beautiful.

Chapter Four

A loud crash woke Tess.

Groggy, disoriented, she wedged her elbows behind her and struggled to get up. It took her a minute to remember where she was. When she was. She shot a quick glance at the cradle. Caleb was sleeping peacefully.

Relieved, she surveyed the room through bleary eyes. Nothing seemed to be different or disturbed?although she couldn't be sure. Pale moonlight came through the silvered windowpane, but otherwise the room was dark and still.

She shoved the quilt back and sat up. At the movement, pain wrenched her abdomen, shot down her thighs. It took all her strength of will not to flop back into the pillows like a dead fish.

She squeezed her eyes shut, concentrating on each breath until the blazing hurt ebbed into a dull, manageable ache. Then she swung her stockinged feet over the edge of her bed. Cool evening air skipped along her flesh, bringing a flurry of goose bumps. Shivering, she limped slowly toward the door.

"Johnny! No!"

The screamed words reverberated through the room and brought Tess to a dead stop. She waited, listening for another outburst, but the house was silent once again.

Reaching for the flannel robe flung along the foot of the bed, she shrugged into the warm fabric, eased the door I open, and hobbled from the bedroom. At the end of the hallway, she paused to regain her breath. Clutching her aching midsection, she cautiously peeked around the corner.

The living room was dark except for the throbbing orange glow of a dying fire. Pulsating red-gold light licked the floor and cast sinewy fingers into the darkness. The furniture was a series of shadowy clumps, without form or substance.

Tess frowned. Easing away from the wall, she walked into the room.

Like an apparition, Jack materialized in front of her. Startled, Tess stumbled backward and hit the wall with a thud. He closed the distance between them in a single step. She felt the weight of his stare on her face, but she couldn't see his eyes.

"What the hell are you doing here?" The question was spoken quietly, though somehow the softness was more frightening than any yelling she'd ever heard. "You know the rules."Tess wished she could take even one step backward, but the wall had her trapped. "I ... I heard a noise.""Go away." He spun away from her and began pacing. His movements were stiff and overly controlled, the rigid actions of a man who wanted to run but was forcing himself to stay. After a few moments, he covered his ears with his hands, as if there were great, booming noises only he could hear.

"Jack, I?"

He spun back around and grabbed her by the shoulders, yanking her to him. She hit his chest hard and bit back a gasp of pain. "Don't do this to me, Amarylis." His voice cracked. "I'm not strong enough to play your games right now."She stared up at him, her breathing ragged. His gaze seemed to grab her around the neck and squeeze. Suddenly he let go, as if he'd just realized he'd touched her.

She slid down the long, hard length of his body. Her bare feet hit the cold floor with a muffled thump.

"And don't forget the rules again. It doesn't matter what you hear. You don't come out here after dark. Not ever."Tess leaned against the wall, struggling to catch her breath. She squeezed her eyes shut. Jack's bootheels thudded atop the floor, his every step matching the echoing beat of her heart. She heard the rough, ragged strains of his breathing and the crackling hiss of the dying fire. She tried to concentrate on the sounds she'd waited a lifetime to hear, only the sounds, but somehow she couldn't take joy in them. All she felt was alone and afraid and fright-eningly out of her element.

She thought of Carol and her promise, and at the thought, sadness washed through her, leaving in its wake the sting of betrayal. Carol had lied to her. Jack Rafferty wasn't someone special at all.

She tried to be strong, tried not to care, but she couldn't help herself. Disappointment crept through her, tugging the corners of her mouth downward. For some absurd reason, she felt like crying.

She gritted her teeth, battling the unfamiliar wave of self-pity. Then she snapped out of it. She wasn't one to give up. She never had been before, and she damn well wouldn't start now. And besides, it wasn't all Carol's fault. Tess had chosen this life. This man.

"Damn it," she said to him. "This is my house, too, now. I have every right to go where I want, when I want. And right now I want to go ..." She had to think a minute. "To the bathroom."Forcing her chin up, she pushed away from the wall and headed toward the hallway.

"Where are you going?" he growled as she hobbled past him.

She tilted her chin a little higher. "Not that it's any of your business, but I intended to use the bathroom." She reached for the door in front of her.

"In the girls' room?"

Tess's hand froze inches from the knob. Frowning, she turned around and walked slowly toward the living room. "But there aren't any other doors.""That's right. Not in the house, there aren't. There's the chamber pot in your room. Or, if you're feeling braver than usual, you can go?"No. Don't say it, don't say the toilet is?

"?outside."

"Outside," she repeated dully. "Of course."Hugging her cramping abdomen, she felt her way along the sofa and shuffled painfully into the kitchen. At the front door, she hesitated. The thought of putting her bare backside down on some shadowy pit toilet made her stomach writhe in revolt. But she didn't much feel like squatting over a porcelain pot in her bedroom, either.