Victor wrapped an arm around his waist. The other reached around
his back, pulling him close, holding him near. Victor didn’t offer any
words of solace. No hokey speeches about better places or God needing
angels. He just held Jace until the pain felt manageable. Then he led Jace
to the little shelter, sat down, and offered his lap as a pillow.
“I’m sorry,” Victor said, running his fingers through Jace’s hair.
“I’m here for you. Or if you want me at the store to support you, I can do
that. Hell, I’ll enroll in school again if you want me to.”
Jace managed a smile. “You mean it?”
“Yeah. Of course.”
“My parents are going to be gone for a while. That means I can stay
here with you.”
“Is that what you want?”
Jace’s hips already hurt from the hard ground below the sleeping
bag. “No. Come stay with me at the house. Or at least visit for as long as
you can stand it.”
“I haven’t gone completely feral just yet,” Victor said. “I can handle
being just about anywhere if it’ll make you feel better.”
Jace reached up to take Victor’s hand. He didn’t stay long after that,
wanting to show his mom he could be responsible. And he needed to be
alone in his room, where he could be free to cry, if need be. Once he was
there, he discovered what he wanted most was to remember, so Jace
grabbed a shoebox of old photos from his closet and lost himself in
memories.
* * * * *
“I invited Victor to stay over,” Jace said. He had meant to tell
Michelle in the morning during the drive to school, but guilt had silenced
him. Now, on their way home, he had no choice since she’d soon find
out. “I’m horrible, aren’t I?”
“Hell no! You think Grandma would want us to stop being happy?”
Michelle bit her lip. “Besides, Brett is coming over too.”
“Are you guys back together?”
His sister shrugged. “Just keeping each other company.”
Jace was starting to feel like his views on relationships were
outdated. Victor disliked titles, and his sister—despite being boy-crazy—
seemed nonchalant about what form love took. Jace wanted a good old-
fashioned commitment. He wanted to throw words around like “always”
and “forever” and “only you.” Wasn’t that what everyone wanted, the
assurance that someone would be there, even if such promises couldn’t
always be kept?
“Hey hey!” Michelle said. “Looks like there’s a package for you on
the front step.”
Jace looked over and couldn’t help his dopey grin. Victor was sitting
sideways on the steps, back pressed against the house as he calmly
smoked a cigarette. When he saw their car, he didn’t smile, wave, nod, or
react at all. He just coolly watched them park.
“He’s got the bad-boy thing down.” Michelle sounded impressed.
“Nice catch, big brother.”
“Thanks.” Jace thought of the way Victor had held and comforted
him last night. He wasn’t a bad boy. When they were together, Victor
was soft.
“You might want to stop staring and get out of the car,” Michelle
said pointedly.
Groaning in embarrassment, Jace unbuckled his seatbelt and hopped
out, fetching his book bag from the backseat and messing with it until the
heat left his cheeks. Michelle reached Victor first. She was thanking him
for his condolences when Jace approached. Both carrying a pack over
one shoulder, he and Victor eyed each other as Michelle unlocked the
front door. Were they supposed to kiss? This was another reason Jace
wanted to define their relationship. Of course boyfriends kiss when
meeting again! That’s what all couples do, right? But without the title, he
was left navigating in the dark… In a storm-ravaged sea… Without a
boat.
“Want to go to my room?” Jace asked him once they were inside.
“Or do you want something from the kitchen?”
“Upstairs is good,” Victor said.
Jace led him to his room, wondering what they would do to pass the
time. He couldn’t see Victor playing board games or anything so
mundane.
“How are you holding up?” Victor said, tossing his pack on the bed.
“Fine,” Jace said, sitting next to it. Like Victor, it smelled strongly of
campfire smoke. “Really good. I still feel sad, but mostly for my mom.
And my grandpa. I keep thinking what he must be going through. My
loss is nothing compared to his. You expect to lose your grandparents
eventually, but losing a wife…”
“Yeah, that’s true.” Victor stood in front of him, arms crossed over
his chest as he frowned. “There should be some deal when you get
married that if one person dies, the other does too.”
“At the same time? That would be nice.” Jace thought about it for a
moment. “How would it happen? If one person dies in a house fire, and
the other is at work, would they burst into flames at the office?”
Victor tsked and shook his head. “You’re always ruining my best
lines.”
“Yeah, well, you’re no Hemingway. Oh wait!”
Victor humored him with a smile. “I’ll let that one slide, but only
because it’s nice to see you doing better.”
“I am,” Jace said. “I’m glad you’re here.”
“Me too,” Victor said. “To be honest, I about froze my balls off last
night without you in the sleeping bag with me. And I need a shower.
There was some guy from the city checking the lake water today, so I
couldn’t go for a swim.”
“You let that stop you? I’m surprised you didn’t invite him to join
you.”
“He wasn’t my type. You have to work tonight?”
“No.” When his father had called Bernard, he said Jace wouldn’t be
there for the next day or two. That gave him more freedom than he’d had
all month, but now he had plenty to keep him busy.
“Okay. Towels in the same place?”
Jace nodded. Once Victor was in the shower, he straightened his
room, wondering if he should swipe some candles from the dining room
for later. Later! He sure hoped there was going to be a later in that way!
Their night together in the woods had been fun, but being stuffed in the
sleeping bag had limited what they could do. These thoughts were further
fueled when Victor reentered the room wearing nothing but a towel.
“Does your family have a washer and drier, or is everything dry-
cleaned?”
Jace grinned. “We wash our clothes like anyone else. You can do a
load, if you need to, but you’ll have to figure out the machine yourself.”
Victor looked surprised. “You’ve never done your own laundry?”
Jace felt silly admitting it, but he hadn’t. “I was saving that
experience for college.”
“I can teach you how.”
Not exactly the thrilling evening Jace had just been imagining.
“Or I can strut around naked in front of your sister,” Victor
threatened.
“I don’t think she’d mind,” Jace said, but in the end he agreed.
Victor borrowed a shirt and boxers from him. The shirt was too
large, and the boxers hung off Victor’s butt more than his hips. That was
awesome, and also distracting as Jace listened to Victor’s lecture in the
laundry room on reasons for separating his whites from the dark colors,
and what water temperatures to use with each load.
“From woodsman to domestic goddess,” Jace said, as Victor stuffed
clothes in the washer. “Who would have thought? Wait a minute, you’ve
got your whites mixed with your colors!”
“Because I’m not racist,” Victor joked. “I’m doing my laundry
quickly, not correctly. Otherwise I’ll die of boredom.”
Once the washer was running, they went downstairs to the family
room, where his sister was hanging out with Brett.
“Nice outfit,” he said when he saw what Victor was wearing.
“I’ll let you borrow it sometime,” came the casual reply.
Nothing ever seemed to faze Victor. In this case it was good, since
Brett was an equal-opportunity asshole, acting rude to anyone he met,
but he was good-looking enough that Jace understood why his sister put
up with him. They ordered a pizza, flipping through the TV channels
until it arrived. Victor moved his clothes into the dryer. They watched a
movie while they ate, Jace occasionally glancing over at Victor. His eyes
seemed unfocused as he stared at the screen. Jace thought of the endless
movie nights he and Greg had shared, how much fun they always were.
Now the idea of finishing the movie seemed torturous when he could be
interacting with Victor. When the dryer buzzed, Jace followed Victor to
the laundry room.
“Want to get out of here?” he offered.
Victor brightened. “What about one of those night drives? You
promised to take me along.”
“Deal!”
Victor pulled his clothes out of the dryer and got dressed in front of
Jace, which was more erotic than he would have expected. Usually he
imagined guys getting undressed, but this was hotter. All the parts Jace
wanted to kiss and touch were flashed before his eyes and then hidden
behind cloth and denim, his memory desperate to retain every fleeting
detail. Once Victor looked more like his usual self, they hopped into the
car and drove off into the night.
* * * * *
They cruised outside the city limits, taking small wooded roads past
dark farmland. Jace hoped Victor would feel more comfortable here, like
camping in motion. There weren’t many street lights, not where few
people drove during the day and even fewer at night. The only artificial
light came from the dashboard. With the darkness pressing in from the
outside, driving at night always made Jace feel like he was piloting a
submarine.
“I can see why you like this,” Victor said. He rested his arm on the
back of the driver’s seat, toying with Jace’s hair.
This reminded him of the way Victor consoled him the other night,
how comfortable he seemed with touching Jace and being close to him.
“Have you ever been with a guy? I mean, besides me.”
“Depends what you mean by ‘been with,’” Victor said, but he
seemed to understand. “There was only this friend of mine in eighth
grade. We used to jack off together. He always acted like it was a contest
to see who could come first, or last, depending on his mood. I didn’t
really need an excuse because I thought it was hot. We never touched
each other. I’d watch him and, well, he’d mostly watch himself.
Definitely an exhibitionist. That was the thrill for him.”
“Sounds… kind of awesome,” Jace said.
“Yeah, it was fun. Did you and Greg ever do anything like that?”
Jace practically hit the breaks. “No!”
“Why not?”
“Because we’re friends!” Jace kept his eyes on the road, but he could
hear the smile in Victor’s response.
“And we aren’t?”
“It’s different,” Jace said. “Greg isn’t into guys. At all. Anyway,
when you and this friend used to—you know—did you figure out that
you were gay then?”
“I figured I was bisexual, yeah. It wasn’t a revelation or anything. I
already knew I liked girls, so I mentally added guys to the list.”
“I guess being bisexual is easier since you can still fit in,” Jace said.
“You can choose to be with a woman and live a normal life.”
“It’s not any easier.” Victor playfully tugged on Jace’s ear. “We
can’t choose who we fall in love with. Besides, there’s nothing abnormal
about two guys being together. Nature made you the way you are and me
the way I am. We’re already living normal lives.”
Jace glanced over at him. “You might believe that, but the rest of the
world doesn’t. They don’t think being gay is normal.”
“Maybe, but does it really matter what they think?”
Kind of, since it could make Jace’s life difficult, but he didn’t want
to admit that to Victor. Instead he changed the topic. “Hey, open the
glove box.”
Victor did. A couple packs of cigarettes fell to the floorboard.
Several more didn’t. The whole glove box was stuffed. Victor chuckled.
“Are you trying to kill me?”
“Too many?” Jace asked.
“No,” Victor said, closing the glove box and fetching the packs that
had fallen. “But you don’t have to buy me anything. If I run out of
smokes, I run out.”
“And show up masked at a gas station.”
Victor shrugged. “I was looking for a new experience, that’s all.”
Jace snorted in disbelief, but Victor seemed completely serious.
“What if you’d been arrested?”
“Exactly,” Victor said. “Wouldn’t that be interesting? A lot better
than being bored on a Monday night.” After a moment he laughed, Jace
joining him, still not sure how serious he was.
Tired of navigating the darkness, Jace drove them back into town.
They prowled around neighborhoods, driving slowly and looking for
interesting stories to tell about the houses they saw.
“This one looks good,” Jace said, pulling over.
The house was large, two stories, and well-maintained. Even though
it had a large garage, a cherry-red Porsche sat in the driveway.
“Who lives here?” Victor asked. “I’m picturing a really ugly guy
with a hairy back.”
“No,” Jace said. “He’s gorgeous. Porn-star hung, super-model good
looks. Even straight guys want to get with him, but the thing is, he lives
alone.”
“Why?”
“Because he couldn’t make up his mind. When he was younger,
everyone wanted him and he wanted everyone, so he never settled
down.”
“Is this a cautionary tale?” Victor asked, sounding dubious.
Jace laughed. “No, not like that. This guy was like a kid in a candy
store, taking a bite of everything before tossing it over his shoulder.
Eventually, everyone who wanted this guy had their turn, but the truth
was, he wasn’t using and losing them.”
“He wasn’t?”
“Nope. Once the guy found someone he wanted to be with, she
didn’t call him after the first time they slept together. That’s when he
realized the horrible truth: No one was coming back for more.”
“Lousy in bed?” Victor asked.
“Horrible. Like, completely incompetent. ‘Oops, I didn’t mean to
poke you in the eye with it.’ That sort of thing.”
“And now?”
“And now he sits in his castle with his pretty car parked outside, and
he’s still gorgeous as hell, but everyone knows he sucks in bed, because
there’s a lady with an eye patch who goes around telling everyone.”
Victor cracked up as Jace put the car back in gear and drove away.
“Hey, remember that crazy widow who hoards jewelry in her basement?”
