worse, she was sad. There had been other incidents, but this was the one
that really got her scared. She thought I was spiraling out of control.
When Andrew was arrested a few weeks later, she made a decision.”
Jace followed his gaze to the military academy. “You were enrolled
here?”
“Yeah.” Victor sounded hoarse. “Freshman year. My head was
shaved, and I hated the uniform, but the real battle took place inside
here.” Victor tapped the side of his head. “A sergeant here always said
‘We break boys down and build them back up into men.’ That was their
philosophy. Whoever you were, whatever you wanted to be—all that had
to be destroyed to make way for the new you. You can imagine how the
kid who refused to do a proper book report took to a conformist
environment like that.”
“I bet you gave them hell!” Jace said, feeling proud, but the answer
surprised him.
“No. I tried my best to comply. My mom sold her car to pay for
tuition. She walked everywhere for three years after that, just to try and
save me. So I tried my hardest, because I didn’t want her sacrifice to be
in vain, and I did okay for the first few months. I hated it, but I got by.
Then—” Victor’s jaw clenched. “There was this geeky guy, Kenneth,
who the other cadets didn’t like. I don’t know why. He just didn’t fit in, I
guess. Anyway, one morning after our showers, they shoved Nathan’s
face up against the mirror, telling him to look at how ugly he was,
making fun of his zits. They pressed his face so hard against the mirror
that his glasses broke in two, and they wouldn’t let him go, even when he
started crying. You can’t—I’m no hero, but you can’t just stand there and
watch something like that. Not if you have a heart. So I shoved the other
guys away.”
“I’m glad you did,” Jace said.
“Yeah, me too.” Victor said, but he seemed uncertain. “The other
guys turned on me then, but before anything could happen, our company
commander walked in. When he asked Nathan what had happened,
Nathan was so scared he pointed at me. Smart move. He knew the tide
had turned, probably knew that I couldn’t protect him. So he sold me out.
I saved him, just not in the way I meant to. From then on, I was the
scapegoat. I was beaten, called a faggot, anything my mom sent me was
stolen… They made my life hell, and any time I tried to fight back, to
defend myself, it was the word of all these other guys against mine. The
staff started to hold it against me too. If there was trouble, I was in the
middle of it, so they tried to make an example out of me.”
Victor got to his feet, face red and breath heavy. “They came so
fucking close to breaking me, but if they had, I don’t think there would
have been anything to build back up again. I took it every fucking day,
thinking about my mother’s sacrifice, and I swore to myself that when I
got out, I’d never let them touch me again. Them or anyone like them.”
Jace stood, put a gentle hand on Victor’s shoulder, but he spun
around.
“I don’t know what I’m doing!” he shouted. “I don’t know how to
escape from it all, so I sit out there in the woods and feel grateful that
I’m not part of the machine. It never lasts and I can’t survive on my own,
but it feels like coming up for air. And my mother, I love her so fucking
much, but I won’t let myself be a liability to her again. She’s not walking
through the snow after being on her feet all day just because I can’t get
my shit together. Not again. That’s why I stay away, Jace. If I was smart,
I’d stay away from you too.”
“What?” Jace felt panic grip his heart. “Why would you say that?”
“Because I see the way you look at me, how you admire me, and it’s
probably the same way I looked at Andrew. You think I’m something
special, but I’m not. We shouldn’t see each other again. I’ll only end up
hurting you.”
“Too fucking late!” Jace shouted. “You don’t think it will hurt if I
never see you again? I hurt just thinking about it, so shut up!”
Victor stared at him, his face slack before he smiled. “I keep telling
you—there’s no point in getting angry at someone you can’t change.”
“I don’t want to change you.” Jace grabbed Victor’s hand. “You’re
stuck with me, whether you like it or not. I don’t care how creepy that
sounds.”
“It doesn’t sound creepy.” Victor came in for a kiss, but something
caught his eye. “Uh-oh. Somebody called out the cavalry.”
Jace turned, adrenaline shooting through his veins, but saw only a
single flashlight bobbing toward them. Better than a platoon of angry
young men, but he didn’t want to stick around. Still holding each other’s
hands, they raced back to the car, peeled out down the road, and didn’t
slow down until they crossed the Mexican border. Well, the city line,
anyway.
* * * * *
The lights in Jace’s bedroom flicked off. A moment later, car
headlights cut through the darkness, capturing a few seconds of Victor
lying in bed, still looking at where Jace was standing. Then the vision
was gone, but he found he wanted it to return very badly. He flipped the
light switch, illuminating the room again.
“Maybe I should get some candles,” he said.
Victor smirked. “Here. We’ll do this instead.” Rolling over, he
grabbed his jeans from the floor, pulling out the Zippo lighter. His thumb
flicked open the lid and spun the wheel in one smooth motion, the flint
sparking the wick into life. Then he set the lighter on the bookshelf next
to Jace’s bed. “Instant campfire.”
Jace smiled and turned off the light again. Now he could still see
Victor, but the light wasn’t so bright that he would feel shy. He hoped.
The shadows certainly did very little to help how short his breath felt.
Stripping down to his underwear, as Victor had done minutes before, he
crawled into bed and slipped beneath the sheets. Jace rolled over on his
side, facing Victor who wore a slightly haunted look, as if speaking
about the past had allowed it to catch up to him again.
“We’ll buy a cabin,” Jace said.
“Hm?”
“In the woods. Hidden away somewhere. We’ll find a little cabin
with lots of land and that will be our home.”
Victor’s eyes searched his. “How will we survive?”
“I’ll get a job. Something full-time. Every night I’ll come home to
you, weary from being part of the machine, but seeing you will make it
all worthwhile.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Eventually I’ll have earned enough money so we never have
to return. Except for shopping. And clothes. And maybe the occasional
movie.”
Victor chuckled. “How about we build the cabin together? And we
clear away enough of the land to grow our own food.”
“What about clothes?” Jace said.
“We won’t need them.” Victor fumbled beneath the sheets, his hands
returning with a pair of underwear. “We’ll live as God intended, naked as
the day we were born.”
“Okay.” Jace pulled down his own boxers, kicking them off under
the sheets. “And movies? What will we do for entertainment?”
“Oh, I’m sure we’ll figure something out,” Victor said as Jace
scooted closer. “Judging by what just poked me in the leg, I’d say you
already have.”
“Sorry,” Jace said, but of course he wasn’t. Since their sleeping bag
fumbling the other night, he’d dreamt over and over again of having
another chance, one with more opportunity. That time was now. Jace
started with Victor’s chest, rubbing his palm across his skin, over his
nipples, and then up to his neck which he held on to while kissing him.
“Do you want me to be your toy?” Victor said, lips brushing against
his.
“Yeah.”
Victor rolled over on to his back, placing his hands behind his head,
surrendering full control. Jace let his hand begin exploring again, fingers
brushing along the hair on Victor’s chest before tickling his armpit
playfully. He covered Victor’s mouth with his own when he tried to
laugh. Then Jace stopped teasing himself, stopped holding back. Fingers
arched, the tips slid across Victor’s belly, leaving goose bumps in their
wake until the head of Victor’s cock halted their progress.
Jace moaned, as if touching himself, but it was the sheer idea that
brought him pleasure. He could do whatever he wanted, and the prospect
was almost overwhelming because he wanted everything at once. He
hopped up on his knees, throwing back the covers, his modesty
extinguished in a sea of hormones. Victor’s body was finally exposed in
the dancing light of the Zippo flame. Jace reveled in every part: the
angular lines between his stomach and hips, the dark bush around his
hard cock, the heavy balls, and the fine hair on his thighs. All meant to
be secret but now laid bare for him.
Victor was looking him over too. “Damn,” he said. “Now that’s what
I call blessed!”
Jace blushed at the compliment, but his own body was the furthest
thing from his mind. All he wanted to do was taste Victor. Flopping onto
his side, he was finally close enough to enact a fantasy that had plagued
him for years. He took hold of Victor’s cock, pumped it a few times and
then moved forward, shoving it deep into his mouth.
Too deep, as it turned out, because he gagged, but he wasn’t about to
let that stop him. Being more cautious and keeping one hand on the base,
Jace began moving his head up and down. Soon Victor’s breath met his
rhythm. When Jace pulled up—fist following the trail his tongue left—
Victor breathed in. Then Jace’s slick fingers slid down, Victor exhaling
in a short burst, like a bull ready to charge. Jace picked up the pace when
Victor’s hand found him and began returning the favor.
“Get up here,” Victor instructed. “Put your legs on either side of my
head.”
Jace did what he was told, not letting go of Victor, not missing a
single stroke. He never wanted to stop. Ever. Only when he felt
something warm and wet envelop him did he pause, gasping and looking
down to see Victor’s mouth rising and falling on him. Jace’s world
became a blur of pleasure. Some part of him knew to keep going, his
body doing all it could to please Victor in return, while his mind reeled
and writhed in ecstasy.
When Victor shoved Jace off him, he was momentarily confused, but
soon Victor was straddling his hips. He thought the question of who
played which role was about to be answered, but Victor had something
else in mind. He grabbed Jace’s wrist, guided his hand to his cock. “I’m
close,” he huffed.
That was enough to make Jace a whole lot closer. He started
pumping, Victor reaching to do the same to him. Jace’s entire focus was
on Victor’s body as it tightened, the expression on his face almost pained
before it became one of bliss. Then Jace’s eyes darted back down.
When Victor came, he came a lot. Jace let loose shortly afterwards,
but Victor still had a few shots left, even after Jace was done. His chest
and abs were totally soaked. Now he knew why the sleeping bag had
gotten so wet!
Victor opened his eyes, took in Jace’s look of shock, and laughed.
“Is that normal?” Jace asked.
“Hell if I know!”
They grinned dopily at each other before Victor stooped for a kiss.
Sex had a strange way of going from being the most imperative urge to
the least important thing in the world, all in the space of a few seconds.
This time it was different. While the sexual urge faded, the need to be
close to Victor, to touch, caress, and kiss him didn’t. Even after they
sacrificed a T-shirt in the name of getting Jace cleaned up, all he could
think of was pressing their bodies against each other, of being as near as
possible.
Victor held him from behind, kissing his shoulder occasionally, as
they dozed in and out of consciousness. Jace wished this could last
forever, that they had enough privacy every day to live like this.
“Where’s our cabin going to be?” he asked.
“Near a lake,” Victor murmured sleepily. “Or a stream. You’ll need
somewhere to bang laundry against rocks.”
“Gee, thanks,” Jace said. “No, I mean where. Not Missouri, I hope.
Somewhere warm, where they don’t have winter. Or maybe up in
Canada. It’s cold, but the forests are beautiful.”
Victor was quiet, enough so that Jace thought he had fallen asleep.
But eventually he spoke. “How about where I’m camping now? I’m sure
if we ask Greg, he could whip us up a cabin in no time.”
“Probably.” Jace laughed. “Seriously, though. I won’t stay here.
Warrensburg isn’t the place for me.”
“It’s not so bad.” Victor yawned, then tightened his grip on Jace.
“You know that old saying about home being where the heart is? I don’t
think that refers to your own. It’s the hearts of other people, the ones you
love, that makes a home.”
Jace thought about this, was still trying to decide what it meant for
his future, when the endorphins coaxed him into a blissful slumber.
Chapter Ten
“I’m sorry for your loss.”
Like a secret phrase, this had been uttered throughout the day—from
the teachers who had heard the news or the other students who wondered
why Jace had been absent. Even Greg said it solemnly during lunch. Jace
supposed Greg had heard the phrase when his grandfather died a couple
of years ago. Jace only wished he knew the appropriate response. All he
could think to say was—
“Thank you.” He stood in the back room of the gas station, pen still
in hand. He finished signing in and turned to face Bernard. “She was
really old,” he tried, hoping this would explain it all.
Bernard nodded sympathetically. “It helps when it’s not totally
unexpected, but still, I know how hard this must be for you.”
Jace felt a surge of guilt. Since yesterday, his thoughts had been on
Victor and Victor alone. He’d floated through the day thinking about
him, not hearing or learning a thing in class, and barely making
conversation at lunch. Victor had gone from being an unreachable
mystery to the closest person in his life. Jace hated being away from him.
“You can take another night off, if you need to,” Bernard prompted.
Jace shook his head, regaining his focus. “No, I’m all right. I think
