either embrace that or let it tear us apart. And it won’t just be Star,
because having feelings for one person doesn’t mean not feeling
anymore. Maybe it won’t be a girl next time. Hell, maybe it’ll be Greg or
some other guy, and that’s okay. It doesn’t matter who you kiss, who I
sleep with, or who either of us loves, because it won’t change what we
feel for each other. Not if we don’t let it.”
“I just thought—” But Jace couldn’t find the words to match the
images in his mind: his parent’s marriage, the idea of belonging solely to
someone, of someone being only for him—the commitment he’d always
dreamt of. Maybe these ideas were selfish and hollow. Maybe they were
outdated. But they were what he wanted. “You wouldn’t understand,” he
finished lamely.
Victor’s mismatched eyes searched his. “You still need a
commitment.”
Jace nodded, ready for Victor to shake his head in disappointment,
but instead he hopped off the car and grabbed Jace’s hand. Shoes
squelching in the mud, they made their way across the field. At first it
seemed the barn would be their destination, but Victor took them to the
church. Jace’s imagination went wild. First he pictured Victor dropping
to one knee, proposing to him on sacred ground, but this seemed
extremely unlikely. Then he worried Victor would make a mockery of
what he wanted—busting down the church door, dragging him down the
aisle, and heartlessly rattling off the usual words to show Jace they held
no special meaning. But being cruel wasn’t like Victor either.
They reached the church door, which hung ajar on one rusty hinge.
Still holding onto him, Victor pushed open the door with his free hand.
Inside were three rows of pews, separated down the middle by an aisle.
Water leaked from the roof in multiple places, accounting for the musty
smell. Victor didn’t let this dissuade him. He walked with Jace down the
aisle. Somewhere above them, they heard a bird flapping its wings.
When they reached the wooden podium at the end, Victor turned and
took Jace’s other hand as well. For awhile he just stood there, locking
eyes. Behind Jace, light flooded in through a broken window, the orange
glow of the sun vibrant now. Jace could feel it warming his face.
Victor squeezed his hands tight. “You want something that belongs
only to us, that no one else can touch. I can give that to you. A
relationship, a marriage, is nothing without a promise. Only the promise
matters, because once it’s broken, nothing is left. I promise you, Jace,
that I love you. I love you now, and I will love you forever and ever.
Nothing can change that.”
Before Jace could answer, Victor’s lips were on his. This was what
he needed. Not a title he could flaunt or a ring made of gold. Jace needed
Victor’s love. As he squeezed his eyes tight against the sun, hands
clutching the back of Victor’s shirt, he felt certain this promise would be
enough.
* * * * *
“You’re quiet,” Jace said. “I hate it when you’re quiet.”
Next to him on the bed, Michelle exhaled slowly. Together they
stared up at the posters on her ceiling. These days, in addition to being
too young, Corey Haim seemed bitter instead of vulnerable, as if he
knew that Jace had moved on.
“I’m not sure I understand,” Michelle said. “I mean, it’s romantic,
but I would have had so many questions. After he said that, did you talk
about it?”
“No. We, uh—”
“Oh. In the church?”
“Yeah.” Jace sighed. “Later, on the drive home, I was happy. And it
wouldn’t be very romantic to hit him with a bunch of questions.”
“I guess not.” Michelle rolled over to face him. “So are you in an
open relationship? Or did that promise mean that it’s just you and him
from now on?”
Jace shook his head. “I’m pretty sure it doesn’t.”
“Are you okay with that?”
“I don’t know.” Jace turned his head, saw how concerned his sister
appeared. “I have to try. If it’s the only way I can have him, then I’ll
deal.” Jace looked back at the ceiling. “What he says makes sense.
People don’t stop wanting other people. Why should kissing someone
else or whatever be a big deal? It’s only wrong because we say it’s
wrong. Logically, if we all agreed to get over it, then it wouldn’t be a
problem.”
“There’s nothing logical about love,” Michelle said. “If there was,
Valentine’s Day cards would be covered in brains instead of hearts.”
Jace chuckled.
“I’m serious,” Michelle continued. “There’s a reason we talk about
our hearts like they’re something real. Besides the actual organ, I mean.
We have this imaginary part just to describe where all these feelings
come from that don’t make sense. Love doesn’t make sense.”
“No,” Jace said, “it doesn’t.”
“So what are you going to do?” Michelle asked.
Jace grinned. “Try to make him see nonsense.”
“You’re not taking this seriously. How are you going to feel the next
time he sleeps with Star?”
Jace squirmed. “What do you want me to do? Break up with him?
How is that going to make me feel any better?”
“It always hurts in the beginning.” Michelle exhaled. “But then you
get over it and meet someone else. You have to keep playing the field
until you find the right person for you.”
“Where?” Jace pushed himself up on his elbows. “Where am I going
to meet someone else? You know what, it doesn’t matter, because it’s
Victor I want to be with. You said it yourself. Love doesn’t make sense,
so it’s not fair for you to approach it logically.”
Michelle narrowed her eyes but then sighed. “I just don’t want to see
you get hurt.”
“I know,” Jace said. “I don’t want to see me get hurt either, but I
think Victor’s right. We love each other. That’s untouchable, no matter
what happens.”
Michelle was quiet for a moment. They could hear their mom
cleaning up after dinner, the garbage disposal running as she worked,
their father carrying on a conversation by shouting over the noise rather
than waiting until she was finished. “Did you tell Victor that you love
him? Did you say it back?”
Jace shook his head. “After everything that happened in that church,
it felt too obvious. He knows most of what I think before I say it,
anyway.” He hesitated. “And I don’t want to scare him away, or make
him feel trapped by my expectations. I already pressed him hard on those
issues, and instead of pushing back, he opened his arms to me. That’s a
good sign, right?”
“Yes,” Michelle answered after a beat. “Although I don’t think you
should have to worry about anything like that. It’s not normal.”
“I’m not normal, so that’s fine by me. I can at least try to see the
world his way.” Jace nudged his sister playfully. “As much as I love you,
Michelle, I’m going to prove you wrong. Victor and I are going to make
this work.”
His sister smiled. “You do that.”
* * * * *
As winter melted into spring, Jace found it easy to trust Victor’s
promise. When they were together, Jace felt loved. The times when Star
whisked Victor away to Kansas City were harder. She no longer invited
Jace to come along. He suspected that she saw him as competition now, a
theory proven correct after one particularly trying week.
Victor disappearing on the weekend wasn’t so unusual. Of course
Jace preferred having him around when he didn’t have school or work,
but they still managed to spend a lot of time together. Victor hung out at
the store so much that even Bernard was getting to know him. The gas
station felt like a second home for them both, which made it all the more
shocking when Star walked in. Jace was already on edge because Victor
had been gone an entire week this time. Considering how long she had
kept him away, Jace expected Star to appear smug. Instead, she was a
mess, eyes red as if she had been crying.
She pushed her way past waiting customers. “We’re both stupid.
You know that?”
Jace handed a middle-aged woman her change and turned his
attention to the next customer in line, which meant looking around Star
as if she wasn’t there.
“Seriously?” she snapped.
“Can’t this wait?” Jace said.
“Sure, why not?” Star stomped toward the door. “That’s all I do
anymore is wait!”
An old trucker chuckled as he slid cash across the counter. “You
know they love you when they get that upset.”
“Right,” Jace said, forcing a smile. “Lucky me.”
In truth, they loved the same man. Jace kept glancing out the window
as he worked. Star paced back and forth, smoking a cigarette. Once the
store was empty, he went out to join her.
“He’s back home now,” Star said. She seemed to have calmed down.
Somewhat. “He’s all yours.”
“I’m glad,” Jace said.
“I’m glad,” Star parroted with a snide expression. Then she rubbed
one of her temples. “I’m sorry. That was mean. It’s just—you’re like me.
Like I used to be. In the beginning, I was willing to do anything for
Victor. No wait was too long, no rule too twisted. His love is enough,
right? That’s what you keep telling yourself?”
Jace’s only response was to clench his jaw.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” Star tossed her cigarette butt to the
ground and stomped on it. “Believe me, it’s not enough. You’ll want
more, and you might think playing along will get more from him, but it
won’t. You should quit while you still can.”
“Gee, okay,” Jace said. “I’ll do that right away. I’m glad you’re
looking out for me, and not trying to cut me out of the picture.”
Star glared. “Of course I want you gone! Put yourself in my shoes.
Imagine you and Victor, three years from now. Three years! And then
some other person saunters along, and suddenly that’s all he talks about.
Suddenly you’re sharing him and wondering how long you can hang on
before you lose him entirely. At first I thought you were just one more
taboo he wanted to break, but—” Star shook her head. “You just wait
until the next one comes.”
“How will that be any different than now?” Jace snarled. “I’ve been
sharing Victor with you since day one. You can stand here and bitch all
you want, but at least you had those three years alone with him. Maybe
you’re the one who should stop seeing him, because I know what I want
and I’ve been getting it all this time!” That wasn’t exactly true, but it
infuriated Star, which made him feel better.
Star scoffed. “You think I’ve had him to myself? Are you kidding? If
you haven’t figured out who the real third wheel is, then I feel sorry for
you! She’s been around way longer than either of us.”
Jace’s chest clenched with fear until he realized who she was talking
about. “His mother? You’re jealous of her too? That’s pathetic.”
Star looked ready to pounce, but then her shoulders slumped.
“Maybe it is. We’re both stupid for loving him, but unlike you, I know
the truth and still stick around.” Star started walking to her car, but then
she turned. “Does he give you those wonderful lectures about how it’s all
love, and how it’s only wrong if we let it be?”
Jace nodded grudgingly.
“That’s what I thought. He doesn’t see what it does to us. When he’s
not there, he doesn’t know how we suffer. It’s only wrong if it feels
wrong, and this sure as hell doesn’t feel right to me.”
“Maybe you should tell him that,” Jace said.
Star’s smile was ironic. “You first. Ever get the feeling that Victor is
playing us, feeding us both the same lines? ‘People don’t stop wanting
other people.’”
Jace’s stomach sank. Had all the words they shared simply been
practiced speeches? “No limits,” he murmured.
Star’s eyes narrowed. “What does that mean? It’s on his tattoo, but
he won’t talk about it.”
Hope exploded in his chest like a bursting balloon, and yet somehow
he kept his expression neutral. “No idea,” he lied. “He won’t tell me
either.”
As Star got into her car and drove away, Jace wondered briefly if she
was right. Her being in the picture didn’t feel right. Jace’s brain said it
shouldn’t matter, but his heart… How long could he continue to walk the
thin line between logic and emotion? As he returned to work and began
watching the door for a familiar punky hair-do, he told himself it didn’t
matter. Victor was back, which meant they would be together again.
No limits.
Chapter Twelve
Jace was sitting up in bed reading when a polite knock sounded on
his door. That couldn’t be anyone in his family, since they didn’t respect
his privacy, nor Greg or Victor, since they were too familiar to knock.
Who then?
“Come in,” Jace said, probably for the first time in his life.
When the door opened, the creases in his brow deepened. It was
family. His father, in fact, carrying what looked to be multiple boxes of
condoms.
“Okie dokie,” his father said, not making eye contact. Instead he
walked to the bed and dropped the load in his arms onto the comforter.
Aside from condoms, there were pamphlets, a banana, and a bottle that
said something about lubricant on it. Bob sat on the edge of the bed,
looking uncomfortable. Jace had no trouble matching his expression.
“Your mother and I saw a news story about AIDS the other night.
No, I’m sorry—” His father grabbed a pamphlet. “HIV. That’s the virus.
AIDS can come later. Uh, let’s see. This page here has some questions.
Okay. Ready?”
“No?” Jace tried.
“Number one. Is your child sexually active?”
“I don’t have a child.”
His father glanced at the front of the pamphlet. “Oh, right. This is
how to talk to your child about safe sex. In that case, they could have
phrased the questions better.”
“Next one,” Jace said.
“Does your child—er, do you know how to use a condom?” His
father put down the pamphlet, picked up the banana, and pointed it at
him. “This was your mother’s idea. Which sort of condom should we
try? There are three varieties here. The magnums made me chuckle,
since they are for big boys. Would you say a banana is above average?”
“Okay, let’s stop right there.” Jace put his hand on the banana and
lowered it, like he was dealing with a loaded gun. “I promise to read
