through all this material, very very carefully, if you promise never to
discuss my sex life with me ever again.”
“This is very serious,” his father said. “A matter of life and death.”
“I know. You’re right, and it’s super cool of you guys to worry. I
think I can handle the rest on my own.”
“Okay. You know if there are any questions, you can ask me.”
“I know.” Jace grabbed the condoms and shoved them into the
nightstand drawer. Then he picked up the bottle, pausing to read the
label. Water soluble personal lubricant. What the hell was that for? It
made it sound like people sometimes needed an oil change.
“Any question is fine,” Bob said, looking hopeful. “That’s why I’m
here.”
“Okay, what’s this for?”
“HIV is transmitted by blood, and to help reduce the likelihood of
any cuts or tears…” His father blanched. “Well, you see, when a man
loves a woman—or another man—sometimes he puts his… You
remember when you were a kid and you got your head stuck in the
banister? Your head was really jammed in there between two poles, so
your mother took butter and—”
“Got it!” Jace said, tossing the bottle into the drawer with the
condoms. He and Victor had found plenty to do together, but nothing
requiring lubrication. His father’s speech didn’t have Jace eager to try,
either.
“Are you sure, because we can lube up the banana, and there’s a
melon in the kitchen we can carve a hole in.”
“No need!” Jace said, trying desperately to banish the image from his
mind. “I’ll read through the pamphlets, I swear. You can keep the
banana.”
“Thanks!” To Jace’s horror, his father peeled it and took a bite.
Chewing thoughtfully, he said, “You know, that went smoother than I
thought it would!”
“Yeah. Good talk, Dad.”
Jace hoped that would be the end of it, but beneath the pamphlets he
found a handful of envelopes, bundled together with a rubber band.
His father handed the stack to him. “Before you look through these, I
want you to know that your mother and I support any decision you make.
But, if it were up to us, we’d really like to have you close. I know four
more years of living here seems like a long time, but it’ll go by in the
blink of an eye. You have your whole life to see more of the world. Your
mother and I won’t be around forever.” After another bite of the banana,
he added, “Your mother told me to say that last bit.”
Jace thanked his father as he took his leave, turning his attention to
the envelopes. Each had been opened already, meaning all were a viable
option. Jace read the return label of each. Colleges, from all over the
country. Colleges that were inviting him to join them.
* * * * *
“We have it narrowed down to three,” Jace said, adjusting the
envelopes on the bedspread so the corners lined up. “Four if you count
CMSU, but I sure as hell don’t.”
Victor considered the envelopes from where he sat next to them. Jace
knelt on the floor in front of his makeshift desk, waiting for some sort of
response. Victor didn’t show much enthusiasm. Maybe all of this was too
foreign for someone who hadn’t finished high school, but Jace meant to
include him exactly for that reason. This choice affected Victor’s life just
as much as it did Jace’s.
“Why doesn’t CMSU count?”
“Because there’s no way I’m staying in this shit town.” Jace took the
envelope and tossed it aside. “That leaves Albuquerque, which could be
amazing. I’ve always wanted to see the desert. Or Sacramento. California
says it all, really. I’m sure life there is incredible. Houston wouldn’t be
bad either. I bet the weather is great. Besides, I’ve always wanted a
cowboy hat.”
Victor watched him, looking less than impressed. “You sound like
you’re planning a vacation, not choosing a college.”
Jace shrugged. “I don’t know what I want to do. I was thinking about
nursing. I love the idea of helping someone feel better, but I still get
squeamish about medical stuff. I don’t know. College will buy me time
while I figure that out, and unless I choose a specialized field, any
college will do.”
“Then why not CMSU?”
Jace stammered, overwhelmed by all the different ways Warrensburg
was lacking, but in the end, none of them mattered right now. “I want
more than this,” he said, gesturing around. “I thought you would too.
Maybe California is a dumb choice, since it’s expensive,” Jace tossed
aside that envelope. “But Albuquerque is supposed to be really
alternative. There are probably tons of people like you there, trying to
live life in a different way. You’d like that, right?”
Victor looked away. “What makes you think I’m coming along?”
Jace stared. “Why wouldn’t you? You’re not tied down by anything.
I know college life doesn’t appeal to you, but I’m looking into off-
campus housing. I’ll need a job to help pay for that, but it won’t be any
different than now.”
Victor stood and walked to the window. “It’s not that simple.”
“Why not?”
“What if something happens to my mom?”
Okay, fair enough. Jace had his own reservations about leaving his
family behind, but at least they had each other. If it was just his mom, all
on her own, he’d worry too. “Houston is closest,” Jace said. “It’s only
twelve-hours from here. We could drive up once a month, maybe more.
If there’s an emergency, we could be back the same day.”
Victor still had his back to him. “And your friends? What about
Greg? Or your sister? You don’t want them in your life?”
“Of course I do, but—”
“Twelve hours is a long time. What if your mom’s car breaks down
somewhere? Or your sister ends up in the hospital? Half a day can mean
the difference between being able to say goodbye and never seeing
someone again.”
“That’s a little morbid.”
Victor shrugged. “That’s reality. If you love people, you should keep
them close to you.” He turned and smiled. “I’m flattered you want to
take me with you, but I’m not sure I can let go like that.”
Jace wondered how much this had to do with Star and not just his
mother, but didn’t broach the subject. Instead he gathered up the
envelopes with a sigh. “I thought you would be excited.”
“The idea is exciting, but it comes at a price.”
Jace turned to face him. “You mean us?”
Victor shook his head. “I made a promise. I’ll keep it no matter what
you do.”
Jace considered the envelopes, feeling more uncertain than ever.
“Besides,” Victor continued, “isn’t out-of-state tuition way more
expensive? If your parents are paying for this, that’s a lot to ask of
them.”
“I have a partial scholarship,” Jace mumbled, feeling guilty
regardless. “And I’ve been saving money.”
“Okay.” Victor went to him, wrapping his arms around Jace’s waist.
“I’ll support whatever decision you make. If you do leave, I’ll still be
around when you visit. I’m sure you’ll find me.”
Jace doubted that. He pictured Victor withdrawing even more from
society, or spending more time with Star. The sad thing was, Jace wasn’t
sure which would be worse.
“There are a lot of people here who love you,” Victor said.
Jace sighed. “Maybe you’re right.”
Victor rewarded him with a kiss, tangling his fingers through Jace’s
hair.
* * * * *
“Cut it off!”
“Just give me a second! Geez!” Greg walked around the chair where
Jace sat, crouching over to be eye level with him. “It’s one thing to want
a haircut, but you’re approaching this with a vengeance.”
Jace glowered. All around him was beautiful scenery. From the patio
of Greg’s house, he could see trees fresh with newly unfurled leaves,
wildflowers blooming farther down in the valley. Beyond, blue sky
reflected off the lake. The weather had been ideal all month, which only
made Jace’s pain harder to deal with.
“There’s something you aren’t telling me,” Greg said, shaking the
electric clippers at him.
“If I wanted questions, I would have asked my sister to do this.”
“Fine, fine.” Greg sighed, walked around to the back of the chair,
and placed a hand on Jace’s bare shoulder. The physical contact made
Jace yearn inside, but not for Greg. That’s not who he wanted. “Last
chance. Once I start, there’s no turning back. I can only do one hairstyle,
and that’s a buzz.”
“Do it.”
Jace closed his eyes. He thought of how Victor would toy with a lock
of his hair, murmuring that Jace was his noble lion while running his
fingers through his mane. But now it was the buzz of a vibrating razor
that tickled his scalp. With every clump of hair that fell around him, Jace
felt more and more vindicated. When the electric clippers stopped
humming, Greg faced him and took a step back, as if in shock.
“That bad?” Jace asked.
“The hair looks good. It’s your face that’s scary.”
Jace tried to scowl, but found he already was. “Oh.”
Greg brushed some of the loose hair off his shoulders. “It’s Victor,
isn’t it? You haven’t mentioned him in the last couple of weeks. I take it
he’s been gone that long?”
“A month,” Jace spat. “Since March 18th. At least that’s when I last
saw him. One month ago today.”
Greg scrunched up his face. “On your birthday, you said you were
meeting him that night.”
“I lied.” Jace looked away. His birthday had been a few weeks ago,
April 2nd. Back then he hadn’t yet given up hope. “I was too embarrassed
to admit that my own boyfriend had ditched me on my birthday.”
“You have nothing to be embarrassed about,” Greg said. Now he was
starting to scowl. “Did he call you? Leave you a note? Anything?”
“Nothing. The last time I saw him, everything was fine. We went for
a night drive and had a good time.” Jace clenched his jaw. “If we had
argued, I might understand. I’m used to him being gone for a week, but a
whole month?”
Greg nodded. “That’s shitty. What’s the point of being with someone
if you never see them?”
Exactly. Why should he ache and long and worry without end? For
all he knew, Victor could be dead, or starting a new life somewhere, or
just hanging out with Star in Kansas City. Jace had tried calling her. At
first he hung up whenever the answering machine picked up, but then he
started leaving messages, pleading with her just to let him know that
Victor was all right. Doing so had been humiliating, but would have been
worth it just to know that Victor was okay.
“You can do better.” Greg put both hands on Jace’s shoulders to get
his attention. “You know I like Victor. He’s cool—or at least I thought
he was—but he’s crazy to treat you this way. He doesn’t realize how
lucky he is.”
Greg’s face wasn’t far away. His warm hands felt good on Jace’s
skin. More than that, Jace saw nothing but sincerity in his eyes. Greg
really believed that Victor was the lucky one.
“This is the part where you kiss me,” Jace said. “Then I forget all
about Victor and we live happily ever after.”
“Believe me,” Greg said with a grin, “if I could be that guy for you, I
would.”
“My chest is the problem, isn’t it? I’d have to get boobs.”
“Sorry, buddy. I’m superficial like that.” Greg rubbed Jace’s freshly
buzzed head. “When Victor does come back to you—and he will—don’t
let him get away with this. I think you should dump his ass, but I know
it’s not that easy.”
“No.” Jace swallowed. “It’s definitely not.”
* * * * *
“Honey? Should I let him in?”
Jace’s mother stood at the door to his bedroom, her face knotted up,
just like Jace’s stomach was. Funny how he hadn’t said a word about
Victor’s disappearance, or all the despair this caused him, but still she
understood. Otherwise she would have let Victor come up to Jace’s
room, as she usually did. Instead, Victor was standing outside, waiting
for Jace to appear. He should keep on waiting for five weeks, like Jace
had, but one last shred of hope remained. Maybe Victor had a good
reason for being gone so long—something understandable, anything at
all that would exorcise this anger and allow Jace to hold him tight again.
“No. I’ll go down and see him.”
His mother nodded and made herself scarce. Jace felt jittery walking
down the stairs to the front hall, hand shaking as he pulled open the door.
There he was, punk hair gelled—which was unusual—and nose red
with sun. He was handsome and different and familiar, but the smile he
usually summoned didn’t appear on Jace’s face.
“Whoa, what happened to my lion?” Victor said.
Jace ran his hand over his short hair. At first he felt it looked too
militant, but a week’s worth of growth helped a little. Jace pulled the
door shut behind him, crossed his arms over his chest and wished it
would help calm his heart.
“Where were you?”
“I know,” Victor said. “Sorry. Star surprised me with a trip. I had no
idea until she—”
“Star,” Jace said. “Yeah.” Victor looked less certain. “She drove me
to the airport and the next thing I know, I’m on a flight to Europe and—”
“Europe?” Jace said. “How?” But he already knew. The mysterious
envelope addressed to Victor and delivered to Star’s apartment. More
than identification, she had said. A passport. She must have been
planning something like this for ages, even back when she was still
pretending to be Jace’s friend.
“Star paid for everything. Or her father, I should say. It was amazing,
Jace. We saw Italy, France, Germany, but my favorite was England. I
never wanted to leave—”
“But there are so many people who love you here,” Jace said, not
hiding the sarcasm in his voice.
“Exactly.” Victor’s smile faded. “I missed you. Of course I did. I
thought of you all the time. Look.” From the plastic bag he was carrying,
Victor pulled out a T-shirt and handed it to him. “The mane may be
gone, but you’re still my noble lion.”
It almost worked, Victor calling on Jace’s good heart, but the T-shirt
ruined it all. Not that it wasn’t nice. Above the word “England” was a
lion, rearing up on its hind legs, but he knew Victor hadn’t paid for this.
He pictured Star helping Victor pick it out, her knowing that it wouldn’t
be enough, that no gift would be sufficient to make up for five weeks of
