his gloves. Eventually he took them off and tossed them aside, still
gathering wood. When he had a pile big enough, his frozen fingers
struggled with getting the wet wood to light.
Jace knew it didn’t really matter, that he could simply scatter the
ashes here and go, but he wanted a fire burning first. He didn’t want to
leave Victor in the cold. That didn’t make sense, but he didn’t need it to.
In desperation, he fetched the cardboard box. He’d already peeked
once. He knew Victor’s ashes were in a plastic bag inside. He removed
this and tore the box to shreds, using it to kindle the fire. After more
work and frustration, he finally managed a steady blaze.
For a while he just knelt in front of the fire, holding his hands out to
defrost while he considered all the memories they’d made here. Coming
out to Greg, his first kiss, or even later, when Victor had exiled himself
here the summer before Jace had moved to Houston. This clearing had
been the setting for so many conversations. Some good, some bad, but all
precious now that there wouldn’t be any more.
Jace stood, and without looking down, tore open the plastic bag. He
walked to the edge of the clearing, numbly at first, as his fingers dug into
what was once Victor’s body and scattered him across the snow and
ground. Then he began crying, moving faster, spinning around as he
tossed away a fistful of ashes. He anointed the shelter with them,
sprinkled them into the fire, tossed them into the air and watched them
fly. By the time he was finished they were everywhere, the ground, the
trees, his hair, his lips. This place was Victor now.
No, not now. That wasn’t quite right because in Jace’s mind, this
place had always been Victor, was always the setting Jace pictured him
in. At least, that was the dream. He couldn’t begin to imagine where the
real Victor was, but Jace was certain of one thing: Victor was free. Now,
after all this time, they were both free.
* * * * *
“I have to go back,” Jace said, preempting any begging.
Michelle and Greg sat on the family room couch with pleading eyes.
Jace stood in front of them, determined not to give in. More than ever, he
wanted to get away from this town. He didn’t even want to be in Houston
again. What he wanted was to run, to not look back until he was far away
from everything he knew. Only then did he feel he could begin to heal.
This last week of being home had done little more than dredge up more
memories for him to ache over.
“I’m not staying,” he insisted.
“It’s not about that,” Greg said. Then he bit his lip and looked to
Michelle.
“I thought you were going to tell him?” she said.
“You’re his sister.”
“You’re his best friend!”
Jace was having a heart attack. He was sure of it. The poor organ had
been strained enough recently, but even the idea of more bad news made
him feel like it would burst.
“Tell me!” Jace shouted.
Michelle looked at him, shock on her face when she realized what
this must remind him of. “You’re going to be an uncle,” she blurted out.
“What? What do you mean?”
Michelle rolled her eyes. “When a man loves a woman—”
“I know all that,” Jace said. Then he laughed. “Are you serious?”
Michelle smiled. “Very. Almost two months serious, as it turns out.”
Jace’s heartbeat took on a much happier rhythm. “Oh my god! That’s
incredible. Who’s the father?”
Greg raised his hand sheepishly. “Sorry, man. I got your sister
pregnant.”
Michelle sighed, palm of her hand to her face. “Don’t say it like that.
You make it sound sleazy.”
“Sorry, honey.”
“Honey?” Jace repeated.
“Yeah,” Greg said. “That’s the other thing. I’ve kind of been dating
your sister. For a while now. Please don’t be mad.”
“Mad?” Jace said. “Why would I be mad?”
“I told you so,” Michelle murmured, studying her nails.
“I don’t know,” Greg said defensively. “I mean, it’s not exactly
kosher when your best friend goes after your little sister.”
“That does seem kind of weird,” Jace said, pretending to mull it over.
“Maybe I should be angry.”
“But it’s not like that,” Greg said quickly. “I love her. I really do,
and I’m going to be there for her. Uh, just a second.” He stood, placed an
arm around Jace’s shoulder, and guided him away. “I haven’t asked her
yet,” he whispered, “but I’m going to pop to the question.”
“You better!” Jace whispered back.
“You know what this means?” Greg grinned. “This’ll make you my
brother-in-law. We’re going to be brothers!”
Jace laughed. He couldn’t help himself. “Please tell me that’s not the
only reason you’ve done all this.”
“No, man.” Greg turned to Michelle, who waited on the couch
innocently, as if she didn’t know what was going on. Jace had no doubt
that all of this was completely transparent to her. “I love her. We’re
starting a family—and you and me, we’re going to be family!”
Jace might have cried if he wasn’t so damn sick of doing so. Instead
he nodded. “All right. But this means I’ll have to find a new best friend. I
can’t be best friends with my brother. That’s just sad.”
“That would be sad,” Greg agreed. “But I wouldn’t mind.”
“Yeah, me neither. Now let’s head to the store and buy some
champagne. I can’t wait to see Michelle’s face when she realizes she
can’t drink any.”
* * * * *
The cabin pressure changed, meaning the plane was beginning its
descent. Jace flexed his jaw to pop his ears and bent over to check on
Samson. He was doing well. Jace didn’t imagine many cats were fond of
being stuffed in a carrier and shoved under a seat, but so far, Samson was
a trooper. Jace stuck his finger in the carrier and wiggled until he felt a
nose bump against it.
“How’s he doing?”
Jace looked up to see a flight attendant with short blonde hair. She’d
moved Jace up to first class so he’d have more room for Samson, which
was exceedingly kind.
“He’s good,” Jace said.
“How’d you get him to stop meowing?”
“I promised him a can of tuna all to himself when we land.”
The flight attendant smiled. “I’ll have to remember that. Think caviar
would work?”
“No idea,” Jace said. “I’m a new dad. I haven’t had him for long.”
“Oh. Don’t worry. You seem like a natural to me!” The flight
attendant moved away to check on the other passengers.
Jace watched her with interest. Seemed like a good job, really,
despite being customer service. He worked in the same industry, albeit in
a boring office. The flight attendant had it made. If there was anyone she
didn’t like, all she had to do was wait a few hours until the flight was
over.
When she did her final seatbelt check, Jace asked her if she liked her
job.
“Love it,” she said. “Although it’s not for everyone. Some people
like to stay home, have the comfort of the familiar around them. And
others—” She cocked her head. “Ever feel like you never want to stop
traveling? Like you could run circles around the globe and it still
wouldn’t be enough?”
Jace chuckled. “Yes. Especially as of late.”
“Well, in that case, we’re hiring.”
“Seriously?”
She nodded. “I’ll get you the info before we land.”
After she walked away, Jace bent over again. “What do you think,
Samson? Should your dad become an astronaut?”
There was a rather cranky meow.
Jace wasn’t sure if that was a yes or a no, but as he leaned back and
considered the possibility, he felt he already had his answer. Like Icarus
he would take to the skies, but fortunately, Jace had already learned not
to fly too close to the sun.
Part Three:
Houston, 1999
Chapter Twenty-one
Nearly four years. Jace leaned against the galley cabinets, listening
to the monotone hum of the aircraft. This time of year was always a
countdown for him as his mind ticked off the events of the past. Driving
down to see Victor in the fall with the news that he was single. Their first
night together again after an eternity. The coming of winter, Victor’s
breakdown, Christmas Day with Mrs. Hemmingway in the nursing home,
and then…
But the calendar hadn’t gotten that far, not yet; Christmas was still
approaching. The airline paid double for working on holidays. Ironic
since Jace would have paid them triple just for the privilege of missing
out. That’s why he had volunteered for the dreaded Christmas shift, just
as he always did. His family complained that he wouldn’t be home for
the holidays, Jace matching their frustrated tones when in truth he felt
nothing but relief. He couldn’t stand Christmas. Not any more.
Funny that he’d lived through twenty-five of them, but one was
enough to spoil the rest. Well, not spoil exactly, but to cast a shadow
over them. Even the good ones. Getting Victor’s tattoo, feeling the
carved lion’s mane beneath his fingertips… Jace wished they all could
have been like that. Every single one. Or maybe he wished he could
forget the good ones, be free of the memories that came unbidden, like
ghosts rising from the grave.
Ghosts? Graves? Too Halloween-ish. If his thoughts were going to
take a melodramatic turn, they should at least be seasonal. Jace checked
his watch. Three minutes until midnight. Three minutes until Christmas.
The call-attendant light went off. Jace didn’t need to look to see who
needed his attention. A mere twenty-eight passengers occupied the
economy section tonight, and most were dozing. Only a middle-aged
woman in the center of the plane seemed intent on getting as tanked as
possible. She’d already blown through two glasses of Merlot halfway
through a three-hour flight. No doubt she had family waiting for her in
Houston that she wasn’t looking forward to seeing.
Jace felt a pang of guilt as he fetched another bottle of wine. He
wanted to see his family and loved them just as he always had. He just
wished they didn’t live in Warrensburg. Rather than be poor company
during “the most wonderful time of the year,” he chose to keep his
distance.
“Keep ’em coming!” the woman joked.
Jace smiled, collecting the small empty bottles on her tray. There
was a policy about not allowing passengers to get too drunk, but damned
if he was going to enforce it today of all days. Besides, the woman hardly
seemed like a lightweight.
On the way back to the front of the plane, he checked on the
passengers in his care. Older man—sleeping. Teenager—head nodding to
the tinny sound coming from his headphones. Young couple—cuddled
up and sleeping. Woman with the curly red hair—nose deep in a
romance novel. Cute guy with the haunted expression—stretched out
across three seats. Sleeping.
After confirming that he wasn’t being watched, Jace allowed himself
to linger. He could fetch one of the thin blankets from the overhead
compartment, drape it over the slender form. Of course the guy would
wonder who had tucked him in. Awkward. Then again, Jace’s job was to
take care of his passengers and ensure their safety. In the end he made
sure the three air nozzles above the seat were all closed shut so there
wasn’t a draft. That would have to do.
Jace returned to the galley, which was just a few steps away, and
made himself look busy. His eyes kept returning to that first row of seats.
The passenger had caught his eye when boarding. He was shorter—like
Victor. Jace seemed to prefer smaller guys, maybe because of those
formative years. His frame was thin, his hair long enough to cover his
ears—also like Victor during those final days. Mercifully, the similarities
stopped there. This person had dark-blond hair that Jace imagined would
turn golden in the summer sun. His eyes were brown and perpetually out
of focus. Whereas Victor had seen everything at first glance, this person
seemed oblivious to the world around him.
The passenger had stared out the window until Jace gave his safety
demonstration. Then his head faced in his direction, but Jace had the
impression this was only out of politeness. Rather than demonstrate how
the seatbelts worked, Jace could have barked and done backflips and still
gone unnoticed. Soon he was drawn in by the mystery. Maybe the
passenger had a phobia of flying and was on tranquilizers.
If so, they were good pills, since he didn’t react as the plane took to
the air. The passenger didn’t browse the airline magazine, or entertain
himself in any way. Unlike the woman chugging wine, he didn’t seem to
dread his destination or miss his point of departure. He seemed
completely lost in thought until he lay down to sleep. Over the next hour,
even though the passenger did nothing but lie there, Jace’s attention kept
returning to him. He had a strange urge to brush the hair from his face to
see him better.
The plane tilted, banking to begin its descent. Jace walked the aisles,
making sure everyone was buckled in and sitting upright. When he
returned to the first row, his blond mystery was stirring. Jace quickly
flipped down the jump seat across from him and tried to affect casual
disinterest.
Stretching as he sat up, the passenger fastened his seatbelt and
considered the city lights outside the window. He stared and stared—
always with that same haunted expression. Jace figured it out. A death in
the family. Maybe not someone close, since he didn’t see any tears. An
aunt or cousin, maybe. Distant enough not to be upsetting, but close
enough to make a person ponder mortality. That had to be it. Jace tapped
a beat on his legs, hoping to attract his attention, but still the passenger
was oblivious. In fifteen minutes or so, this person would stroll off the
plane and disappear from his life, and Jace would never know if he was
right.
Oh, what the hell.
“Funeral, huh?”
The passenger turned to regard him, as if Jace had appeared out of
thin air. He didn’t just take in Jace’s features, but looked him up and
down as well. Fair enough, since Jace had done the same countless times
while he slept. Jace had good reason to, being a hopeless homosexual.
This guy… Well, anything was possible.
