such a homophobe made him sad. And a little angry.
“So basically, because you’re worried a bunch of gay guys will have
the hots for you, you think they should all be sent to an island to die.”
Greg winced. “That’s a little harsh. I didn’t say anything about
killing them.”
“What then? They just take a lifelong vacation to some tropical
island?”
“Sure.” Greg shrugged. “Let them all hang out there and be gay
together. We’ll build a nice resort for them, maybe a golf course. Do gay
people play golf?”
“No idea,” Jace said. “So how will they survive on this island of
yours?”
“They’ll live off the island’s bounty,” Greg said with surprising
flourish. “I’m sure there will be plenty of banana trees.” Greg nudged
him while grinning. “Know what I mean? A bunch of gay guys all
snacking on bananas?”
Jace fought down a grin. “Yeah, I get it. Maybe you can send
shipments of fat juicy sausages there as well.”
Greg guffawed, Jace soon joining him. Laughing about his sexuality
felt better than constantly stressing over it, and he supposed Greg’s
reaction could have been worse. Far from ideal, but not terrible.
Regardless, Jace wouldn’t be coming out any time soon.
* * * * *
“You piece of shit!”
Michelle stood in the doorway to Jace’s room, cheeks red and
covered in tears. In one hand she held a trash bag full of wet clothes. In
the other she held a letter. And it was open.
Jace’s stomach sank. The day had been so nice! After his tense
conversation with Greg, they had gone for a hike and later went back to
Greg’s place for a movie. For the first time in weeks, Jace had felt almost
normal. And now—
“Shut the door,” Jace whispered. “Please.”
His sister looked like she was about to explode, but she clenched her
jaw, dropped the trash bag on the floor, and quietly shut the door. When
she turned around, her face was crimson and her voice came out as a
growl.
“How could you do this to us?” she hissed, holding up the letter.
Jace sighed, almost feeling a mad sort of relief. Now she knew. And
she would tell his parents and they would tell everyone. She knew he was
gay, and she was furious at him because of it, but at least he wouldn’t be
hiding or lying anymore.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Michelle said, stomping over
and throwing the letter at him. When it fluttered harmlessly to the
ground, she slapped at his chest. Her eyes looked crazy, her teeth
grinding together. Jace hadn’t expected this much hate!
“It’s who I am,” Jace said. “I’m gay. I can’t help it.”
His sister’s eyes widened in shock. “Jace, I couldn’t care less who
you sleep with! You tried—” Michelle’s face crumpled and she began
sobbing.
Jace moved toward her, tentatively placing a hand on her shoulder,
worried she’d explode again. When she didn’t, he took her into his arms
and let her cry. What he really wanted to do was question her. Had she
meant what she said? Did it really not matter to her? Then he felt a surge
of guilt, because he finally understood what she was upset about.
“It was a dumb mistake,” Jace murmured. “I regretted it the second I
tried.”
“Suicide!” Michelle pushed away from him. “You would have killed
us! Do you understand that? Mom and Dad are old. They wouldn’t
survive the shock, and as for me—” Michelle shook her head, huffing a
few times to get herself under control. “I can’t even talk about it. I can’t!
It’s just too fucked up. If you ever think of doing that again, just
remember that you’re killing us too.”
“Okay!” Jace said. “I’m sorry!”
Michelle wiped her eyes and went to sit on the edge of the bed. She
picked up the letter on the way, shaking her head at it. “Why didn’t you
tell me?”
“About the gay thing?” Jace swallowed. “I can’t stand the idea of
losing you guys either.”
Michelle looked at him like he was being silly. “We love you, stupid.
Do you think something like this matters to us?”
“I don’t know.” Jace went to sit next to her. “I really don’t.”
His sister exhaled and leaned toward him, their shoulders touching.
“Gay or straight, I love you. You’re my brother and that will never
change. Why would you ever think otherwise?”
Jace shrugged. “Remember when I told you about Elton John?”
“You mean when he came out?”
“Yeah. You said ‘ew,’ like it was disgusting.”
“That’s because Elton John looks like the Pillsbury Doughboy
wearing a toupee. The idea of him sleeping with anyone grosses me out.”
“Fair enough.”
“But I still love his music,” Michelle continued. “I wouldn’t if I had
a problem with gay people.”
“Okay.”
“Mom and Dad won’t mind either. I promise.” Michelle nudged him.
“You have no idea how often Mom has asked me about you.”
“About me being gay?”
His sister nodded.
“Am I that obvious?”
“You don’t lisp or anything but come on! You’re seventeen years
old, never had a girlfriend, and just look at you!”
Jace blinked. “What?”
“Ugh. You’re going to make me say it, aren’t you?” Michelle batted
her eyes. “Fine. My big brother has grown up so pretty!”
Jace chuckled. “You think so?”
“Oh, go look in a mirror. Anyway, Mom isn’t going to be shocked.
At least I don’t think so. Dad maybe, but he’ll be all right. You’ve got
nothing to worry about.”
“Will you tell them for me?”
Michelle shrugged. “If you want. Or we can do it together.”
“I’m a big wimp, aren’t I?”
“Kind of.” Michelle grew somber. “You have to promise me
something. If you ever feel suicidal, come talk to me.”
“I won’t ever try killing myself again. Seriously.”
“But just in case you feel tempted, promise you’ll talk to me.”
“Okay.” Jace put his arm around her. “Don’t worry, I’m fine now.
Great, actually. You have no idea how relieved this makes me feel.”
“Does anyone else know?” Michelle asked. “Does Greg?”
Jace shook his head. “No. I think he’s a homophobe. A well-meaning
homophobe, maybe. You’re the first to know.”
“Oh. I thought you might have someone. I still don’t get why you
showed up in a blanket last night.”
Jace took a deep breath and explained everything about his ill-
conceived suicide attempt and the strange events that followed it. When
he was finished, Michelle digested his words for a moment.
“So basically you jumped off a bridge and ended up getting a job.”
“Yup!”
Michelle shook her head. “Sounds about normal for you.” She stared
at the carpet, thinking for a moment. “So if you never had a boyfriend,
how do you know you’re gay?”
“Same way that you know you’re straight, I guess. Did you have to
kiss a guy before you knew you wanted to?”
“God no! Remember my crush on Michael Jackson?”
Jace laughed. “Exactly. And the one time I did kiss a girl, it didn’t do
anything for me.”
Michelle crinkled her nose. “That’s right. I made you play spin-thebottle
with my friends, and you ended up kissing Sheila.”
“All I remember is that she smelled like cabbage.”
“She always did.” Michelle turned to him with an expression of
exaggerated concern. “Do you think her cabbage kiss turned you gay?”
Jace nodded. “Probably. It’s all your fault.”
Michelle sighed. “Well, there’s no turning back now. I have a gay
brother, and he’s still hopelessly single.”
“Don’t remind me.”
“Hey, you think this old guy has the hots for you?”
“Bernard?” Jace grimaced. “Why would you say that?”
“Well, he did pull you from the river and then offered you a job.
That’s not exactly normal.”
He considered this and sighed. “Great, my first boyfriend and he’s
eighty years old.”
* * * * *
Jace sat in the back room of Bernie’s Stop and Shop, trying to fight
down a case of the jitters. He wasn’t used to sitting still. At least not for
two hours in a row. So far all Bernard had wanted to do was talk, or be
talked to. As soon as Jace had shown up for work, Bernard walked him
through a storage area lined by cardboard boxes, familiar junk food logos
printed on each side. In a back corner, fenced off by walls made of these
boxes, was a desk.
For the first hour, Jace sat on one side of the desk and was grilled
with questions. Bernard wanted to know how Jace did at school and what
his home life was like. He mentioned knowing Jace’s parents, but made
no threat to tell them about the other night. Bernard seemed more
interested in assessing how he was doing. Jace did his best to make all
his answers sound cheerful and optimistic.
Then Bernard really started talking, apparently determined to tell
Jace his life story. Considering how old he was, the entire night could
pass in this fashion. Jace tried to pay close attention and nod or laugh at
all the right places, but in the back of his mind, he wondered if this was a
date. Not that he could honestly picture being with someone so ancient,
but there were always stories of old rich guys marrying twenty-year-olds.
Maybe this was the small town equivalent.
“Best days of my life, the Navy,” Bernard was saying. “Hard work,
but you also make lifelong friends. I’m still in touch with most of my
shipmates, those who are still alive. There’s a reunion every year, and
seeing them is like being twenty-one and on shore leave again.” He
chuckled to himself before looking wistful. “My son was in the Marines.
You think he’d be eager to follow in his daddy’s footsteps, but Brian can
out-stubborn a mule.”
Son? Okay, so that was one strike against Bernard being gay,
although it didn’t count him out. Maybe he’d had a wife and kids before
coming to terms with himself.
Bernard nodded at Jace. “You ever consider joining the service?”
“Yeah,” he said, “but only as a way of escaping this town.”
“Don’t care for Warrensburg?”
Jace shrugged. “I want to see more.”
Bernard grunted. “Good for you. A young person should see the
world. No need to put down roots just yet. The Navy can give you an
excellent start. You’ll see more continents and countries than most men
ever do.”
“Actually, I was thinking of going to college.”
“I thought you said you wanted to leave?”
“I do. I won’t be going to CMSU.”
Bernard raised an eyebrow. “You have a college in your hometown
and you won’t be going to it? I’d love to see the faces of your folks when
you explain that to them. You know how much out-of-state tuition costs?
And housing. It won’t be cheap!”
Jace smiled. “Then it’s a good thing I have a job.”
“Fair enough!” Bernard pushed himself up and out of his chair with a
groan or two. “All right. Time to show you the store.”
The main area of Bernie’s looked like any other gas station. There
was the front counter, manned by a middle-aged guy named Dan who
didn’t seem very friendly. Then there were the miniature grocery store
aisles, stocked with anything salty, sweet, and unhealthy. “You won’t
have to worry much about these,” Bernard explained. “I take care of
restocking when I do inventory, but if you get a bunch of stoners who
buy up all the Doritos, just duck in back and grab a few more bags.
Mostly I want you out here and aware.”
The back wall of the store was made of refrigerators with glass
doors. Aside from ice cream and some frozen food, the fridges mostly
held drinks. “You won’t be selling any beer. Let Dan do that, or whoever
you’re working with that night. I won’t schedule you alone for that
reason. Cigarettes too. If someone comes in here wanting booze and
smokes and your coworker is out on break, they’ll just have to wait or go
without. You don’t smoke, do you?”
Jace shook his head, withering under Bernard’s stare until they
moved on. Of course he had smoked before. Michelle liked it more than
he did, depending on who she was dating. If the guy was a smoker, so
was she. At least when she could get away with it. Jace didn’t see the
appeal, but he’d tried a few times just to be sure.
Next Bernard led him to the fountain drinks. “Welcome to your own
personal Hell. I call this area the mess—not out of nostalgia for my Navy
days, but because it’s always a goddamn mess. You’ll have to wipe up
over here every ten minutes. People always try to fill their cups to the
brim and end up spilling. Then there’s the nacho cheese over here, and
the microwave, which is always splattered with meat shrapnel. You’ll be
waging a never-ending war against people who don’t give a shit.”
As bad as Bernard made it sound, Jace felt he could handle it. He
was shown how to change out the drink syrup when it was running low.
Then Jace spent the rest of the night standing behind Dan, learning how
to work the cash register. His first impression was right. Dan was mean
and impatient, making Jace wish Bernard was doing the training, but he
had retreated back to his office.
Jace was on break, standing out front and getting some fresh air,
when Bernard came outside.
“Heading home now,” he said. “You’ll be okay?”
“Yeah,” Jace answered, feeling that Bernard meant more than just
the job. The old man had a hard shell, but he obviously cared. Maybe
Michelle was right. Time to go fishing for some info. “Anyone you’re
heading home to?”
“Nope, just my dog Maxie.”
Ah ha!
“Oh, and my wife,” Bernard added with a wink. “Almost forgot
about her. I keep trying, but she always finds ways of reminding me
she’s still around.”
From the way Bernard smiled, this was lighthearted humor. There
wasn’t any animosity in his voice. In fact, his happy expression remained
as he got in his car and drove away. Not gay, then. Jace’s shoulders
drooped. He wasn’t interested in Bernard, of course, but it would have
been nice to have someone to talk to. Someone to make the world feel a
little less lonely.
* * * * *
“That seemed to go well,” Jace said.
He was lying next to Michelle on her bed, staring up at posters on the
ceiling that hadn’t changed since she was fourteen: The Cure, Sixteen
Candles, Depeche Mode, and one of Corey Haim looking sad and
vulnerable. That had been Jace’s favorite. Sometimes he had snuck into
