promise.”
Jace shrugged. What did it matter? Ben loved Tim. Anything they
had done together wasn’t because Ben didn’t love him too.
Ben’s brow came together. “Aren’t you angry?”
“Not really. Old feelings don’t just disappear overnight. It’s normal
that you and Tim still find each other attractive.”
“That’s it?” Ben was scowling, his chest heaving. “I wish you were
pissed! At least then I could tell that you care.”
“I care,” Jace said, starting to feel angry himself. “I just thought I’d
give you the benefit of the doubt!”
“What’s there to doubt?” Ben demanded. “You saw everything. I did
something stupid, and you should hate me for it.”
That extinguished the flames. The thought was unthinkable. “I’d
never hate you.”
Ben’s jaw clenched in the way it did when he was trying not to cry.
Jace could only imagine what he was feeling, how conflicted he would
be in the same situation.
The roar of the waterfall broke as Tim reappeared. He was grinning.
The bastard was actually grinning! The furnace in Jace’s stomach
sparked back to life. He felt like grabbing Tim’s face, pointing it toward
Ben so he was forced to see how badly the man they both loved was hurt.
There was nothing remotely amusing about this situation!
“Hey,” Tim said to him. “It’s my fault. I grabbed him and started
kissing him. He wasn’t even kissing back. Really. Please don’t blame
him.”
Jace had seen enough to know this was a lie, but he didn’t care. Any
word out of Tim’s mouth that wasn’t begging Ben’s forgiveness would
have infuriated him. That’s why Jace’s fist was already swinging to shut
him up and wipe that winner’s smile from his face. Tim didn’t see it
coming and must not have expected it, because his head whipped back
with a crack. The rest of his body followed.
This time Tim didn’t catch himself as he fell, his head submerging.
Not wanting to add manslaughter to the other miserable events of the
day, Jace grabbed him by the shoulders, lifted him up, and shoved him
against a wall. Then he turned to Ben, eyes still blazing with heat.
“How’s that for angry?” he said. “Come on, we’re going home.”
Jace saw red as he marched across the park, hearing very little. Ben
was beside him, endless apologies spewing from his mouth, but Jace
couldn’t concentrate on the words. He was heading for the exit when he
remembered their clothes. The locker rooms weren’t far. When they
reached them, he dressed hurriedly, pulling out his cell phone and dialing
information to find the nearest place to rent a car. That was another
miscalculation, letting Tim drive them down here, putting him in charge
of when they could leave. The operator informed Jace of a rental car
location just down the road. Once Ben was dressed, Jace wordlessly led
them out of the park’s gate to the parking lot.
“Stay here,” he said. “I’ll get a car and pick you up.”
“I’m sorry,” Ben said again. “I was stupid.”
“We were both stupid!” Jace snarled.
Then he spun around, heading for the street. He’d promised himself
after Victor died that he wouldn’t argue again. Their parting words had
been so ugly. At least the ones Jace had uttered. He still regretted that’s
how it had ended. Maybe that was why he dreamed of Victor still—one
more chance to say goodbye properly.
As Jace stomped down the side of the road, he was glad to have time
away from Ben. He needed space to think, to decide what to do, which
was hard when his head was still clouded by emotion. When he did get
the rental car, Jace sat inside of it instead of driving back to the park.
He loved Ben. But did he love him enough to put up with this? With
a sigh, Jace knew the answer. Of course he did. Hell, he’d been through
worse. He didn’t believe for a second that Victor and Star weren’t— But
Ben wasn’t Victor. That was one of the many reasons Jace loved him. He
had to admit that Victor was right again: Life would be so much simpler
if people were allowed to kiss whomever they wanted to.
Love was love was love. Spread it around, share it, give it away.
What a nice thought. What a wonderful idea! But that’s not who Jace
was. Maybe he was selfish, a miser with his feelings. Sometimes Ben
said in wistful tones that Jace was perfect. He disagreed. A perfect
person would tell those they love that of course they are free to love and
be loved. The more the merrier. Right?
They say history repeats itself, but only if you let it, and Jace wasn’t
about to go through this again. An open relationship didn’t work for him.
If that cost him Ben, then so be it. Jace put his forehead on the steering
wheel and sighed. That was bullshit. If this cost him Ben, it would be
devastating.
Starting the car, he drove back to the park. Ben’s relief at seeing him
again was transparent. The car interior was quiet as they merged onto the
highway, Jace lost in thought. He was torn between two sides of himself
—one with a very specific idea of a relationship, and the other that
understood Ben’s plight all too well. It wasn’t just Victor. Kyle, his
terrified passenger—Jace had wanted to kiss him too, and he hadn’t even
felt strong emotion for him. Human biology drives the body to
reproduce, no matter how futile the chance of success. Mankind’s
survival had depended on this urge for millennia. Of course that just
didn’t go away. Perhaps it was time to stop fighting and embrace the
inevitable.
Then again, cavemen used to smash in each other’s heads with rocks.
Mankind used to kill each other for having different ideals, and
sometimes still did. Violence had served a purpose once too, but now had
no place in civilized society. Jace had no intention of embracing those
urges. All he could do was recognize them and set them aside.
“I’m sorry,” Ben whispered from next to him.
Jace pressed his back against the seat, exhaling the tension he’d felt.
“I had a close call once.”
“Close call?”
“About six months ago. On a flight to Boston.”
Jace told Ben about Kyle, deciding to be honest about everything,
including how he felt. Jace had wanted to kiss him. There was nothing
wrong with that. “He was hot, and I won’t lie and say that I didn’t want
to, but I made my choice when I decided to be with you.”
“So you didn’t?”
“No. I didn’t.”
Ben sighed in relief, which comforted Jace, because it meant he too
was uneasy with the idea of an open relationship.
“There’s a difference though,” Jace continued. “You were once in
love with Tim. You probably still are to some extent. You two have a
history, and that complicates matters.”
“I still shouldn’t have kissed him.”
“Get over it,” Jace snapped. “What’s more important to me is what
you’re going to do now. You’re stuck with an old-fashioned guy. I like
monogamy. I don’t want to have a threesome or share you with anyone.
So now you need to decide if you can handle that or not.”
Ben didn’t take long to answer. “I think I can.”
“Good.” Jace said, bracing himself. “The next thing you have to
figure out is what you’re going to do about Tim. I’m not going to forbid
you to see him. I’m not going to say you can’t be his friend. I’m going to
trust you now as much as I did before. There’s no point in going on
otherwise. But I want you to ask yourself if you can resist doing
something like this again.”
Now Ben was quiet. For most of the ride home, he thought in
silence. Jace knew this would be a big decision. While he couldn’t forbid
Ben to see Tim, he knew it was all or nothing between them. Friendship
between former lovers is an exercise in restraint, not a relaxed
camaraderie. What Ben and Tim once had—shared even now—couldn’t
be contained by the bonds of friendship. This was something else Jace
understood from his time with Victor. Had Victor miraculously come
back, and had Ben asked Jace to make a decision, it would have been
very difficult. In the end, though, he would have chosen Ben. In his
heart, there wasn’t any contest.
“I’ve made my choice,” Ben said.
Jace’s throat felt tight until Ben reached over to take his hand. Then
he exhaled, squeezing Ben’s fingers and showing just a little of the
desperation he felt. They felt the same way about each other after all.
* * * * *
Two months of gloriously normal life. The threat of Tim Wyman had
come and gone, like the big hurricane of the year, this one not having
done much damage. In fact, Jace felt closer to Ben than ever. He
respected him too, especially after Ben had done the hard thing and said
goodbye to Tim. Hell, Ben had even given Tim a puppy, something Jace
felt was an inspired move. What a way to break up with someone! No
more of the “it’s not you, it’s me” nonsense that never worked. Instead, a
relationship could be ended simply by saying, “Sorry, can’t stick around,
but here’s a puppy to lick up all of those tears.”
Not that Ben and Tim had broken up and not that Ben had been so
crass. The important thing was that it was over, allowing them to resume
their lives. A lot of exciting things awaited them too. Ben was set to
graduate in a few weeks, which had all sorts of implications. Dual
income would be nice. No more pinching pennies, especially since Jace
planned on inviting Ben to move in. They could also move back to
Houston, be closer to their families and to Jace’s home base. That would
make commuting to work easier, since many of his routes left from there.
The future was full of potential, which had him very excited, but Jace
kept a tight lid on all of this. He knew the kind of stress Ben was about to
go through with finals.
As if to prove this, when Jace returned home from the supermarket,
Ben opened the door with a miserable expression.
“Hey!” Jace said, hoping his good mood would be contagious. “You
ready for dinner?”
“A note just came for you,” Ben said, not returning his smile.
“A note?”
Ben gestured for him to go inside. Jace did so, spotting the note on
the hallway floor of all places. He set down the groceries on a side table
as Ben picked it up and shoved it into his face. He read it, half-distracted
by Ben’s behavior. The letter was handwritten, but Jace didn’t recognize
the penmanship.
Surprise! Bet you didn’t expect to see me so soon, huh? My parents
sprung for a ticket. Guess I should have called ahead to tell you I was
cumming. At least I hope I will be. How about a rerun of what we did in
your hotel? Then again, maybe not. I’m still sore!
Jace glanced up. “Is this some sort of joke?”
Ben crossed his arms over his chest. “Come on. Where were you last
week?”
“A lot of places,” Jace replied.
“Including Boston?”
“Yeah. So?” Jace finally understood. “You think— No, this isn’t
from that kid. I haven’t talked to him since.”
“Since what, exactly?” Ben said, voice laced with accusation.
“You know the story. Nothing happened. This is—” Jace waved the
note at him. “I don’t know what this is.”
“It’s perfectly clear what it is,” Ben shouted. “Or is there another gay
guy next door named Jace, and Aaron just happened to pick the wrong
door?”
Jace wanted to shout in return, but he knew that would make it
worse. Instead, he set down the note, took a deep breath, and looked Ben
in the eye. “I’ve never cheated on you.”
Ben’s angry expression wavered. “Then how do you explain it?”
Jace shrugged, but it didn’t take him long to find an explanation. “If I
had to guess, I expect Tim thought this might—”
“Tim?” Ben’s scowled. “Get a grip, Jace! He’s not Moriarty! I saw
the guy who put this on the door, and it sure as hell wasn’t Tim.”
Now Jace was angry. That Ben could get so worked up about Tim,
still defend him like he was a saint, pissed him off. That Ben was
pointing the finger at Jace when he was the one who had cheated… “I
don’t know what’s going on,” he said evenly, “but if anyone deserves to
be under suspicion, it’s you!”
“I admitted when I fucked up,” Ben said. “The least you could do is
the same!”
“You were caught,” Jace said. “You didn’t heroically confess that
you were horny for Tim. In fact, you didn’t mention it once before it
happened. You’re telling me you weren’t tempted?”
“Fine, throw all of that back in my face!” Ben spun around, heading
for the living room.
Jace grabbed the note and followed him. “You’re the one who
brought it up,” he said, rereading the letter, but this time looking for
evidence to defend himself. “This letter is signed Aaron.”
“So?” Ben said, flopping down on the couch.
“So the guy in Boston was Kyle. I told you that!”
Ben shook his head. “Did you? I don’t remember you ever saying his
name.”
Jace’s head was spinning. “Then why do you think Aaron is the guy
in Boston?”
“So maybe it’s a different guy!” Ben shot back. “You probably have
a hookup at every major airport!”
“Are you serious?” Jace shouted. His anger was rising, but he was
past the point of caring. “After everything I’ve done for you, all the love
I’ve given you, you honestly think I could fuck around on you, come
home, and still look you in the eye?”
“I don’t know,” Ben said. “I honestly don’t. You know what I keep
thinking of? How you were hardly angry when you caught me kissing
Tim. Not really. You forgave me way too easily, and you know what that
tells me?”
“What?”
“You forgave me because you’ve been doing the same thing this
whole time.”
“No.” Jace clenched his jaw. “You’re fucking crazy, you know that?
Just because I didn’t fly off the handle and make you beg for forgiveness,
you think that means I’ve been cheating? It’s called love, Ben! That’s
why I forgave you!”
“Then what’s that?” Ben said, gesturing at the letter. “Do you call
that love too?”
“I don’t know what this is!” Jace shouted in exasperation. “You
know what? That’s not true. Use your brain, Ben! You know exactly who
did this!”
“Don’t drag him into this,” Ben said warningly.
Jace dropped his arms to his sides. “Why?” he said. “Why can’t you
