“Take me home,” Ben managed at last.
“I thought I’d take you out to eat.”
Ben shook his head, face crumpling. “I want to go home.”
“Okay.” Jace picked up the roses and dusted them off. Then he
handed them to Ben, who accepted them, but clearly felt he had no right
to. Good. Not good that Ben was hurting, but good that he loved Jace
enough to feel bad about what had happened.
By the time they were in the car and underway, Ben had calmed
down enough to speak.
“Congratulations,” Jace said, starting easy. “Are you excited about
graduating?”
“Yes.” Ben’s focus remained on the roses. He looked embarrassed.
“Are your parents in town for the big occasion?” Jace asked,
knowing they weren’t.
“I asked them not to come,” Ben said. “I don’t feel like celebrating.”
“You should,” Jace said, trying to show that all had been forgiven.
“I’m proud of what you’ve achieved.”
He glanced over to see Ben on the verge of tears again, so Jace
remained quiet until they pulled into his apartment complex and stopped.
Ben looked up, surprised by where they were. “I meant my home,”
he said.
Jace resisted the urge to reach out and touch him. “I know what you
meant.”
Ben was solemn as he entered the apartment, didn’t speak to Samson
when squatting down to pet him. Jace tossed his keys and wallet on the
table and waited for Ben to stand again. When he did, he wore a familiar
expression of determination. This was it. Jace braced himself to hear
what he already knew, because hearing it from Ben’s lips would be the
hardest.
“I was with Tim. We slept together.”
Jace fought down the lump in his throat. “I figured. Got it all out of
your system now?”
Ben nodded.
“Good.”
Ben probably expected Jace to drive him home now, or kick him out.
Instead, he took off his shoes and loosened his tie. Ben stared in
disbelief, so Jace nodded at him. “Don’t you want to get out of that doofy
gown?”
“I don’t understand.”
Jace sighed. “My love for you doesn’t stop just because you make a
stupid mistake. An extremely stupid mistake, I might add. I love you, and
if you promise to trust my word in the future, then I’ll trust you again
too.”
Ben looked as though he were about to cry again, but thankfully, he
laughed in the way of someone overwhelmed by relief. Jace smiled in
return, stepping close to help unfasten Ben’s graduation gown. Beneath
he wore a plain white T-shirt and a pair of shorts. Jace took off the jacket
he was wearing, tossed it aside, and held out his hand. When Ben
accepted it, Jace led him to the bedroom.
They wouldn’t sleep together. Not today. Jace felt it was too soon for
either of them. Instead he wanted to start over, to begin again in the same
way they had two years ago—by talking. But the intimacy between them
wasn’t gone. Jace held Ben from behind, sometimes placing gentle kisses
in Ben’s hair as he told Jace what had happened and how sorry he was.
As Ben talked, Jace found the details didn’t matter. He loved Ben. All
that had changed was that Ben was now free to love him back.
Part Four:
Austin, 2004
Chapter Thirty
Winter’s purpose was to wipe the slate clean. No matter how perfect
a year was, or how disappointing it had been, once winter came along it
was time to say goodbye. First autumn disassembled what summer had
supported, forcing flowers to give up their petals, plucking the leaves
from the trees, and blowing it all away with the same winds birds took
flight on. Then came winter’s white blanket, returning the world to an
empty canvas so a new spring could begin. Even Central Texas had its
share of snow in the most recent winter, cementing Jace’s feeling that
they truly had a fresh start. All their sins had long ago been absolved, all
past indiscretions forgiven.
Now warmth had returned to the world, and Jace couldn’t think of
anywhere else he wanted to celebrate than where he and Ben were now.
“Paris,” Ben said, breathing in air moist from the river they sat
beside.
“I know,” Jace said, sighing at the wonder of it all.
They were below street level, feet dangling over the stone walkway
that ran along the River Seine. Above them cars raced by, and tourists
strolled along carrying maps folded in origami shapes. The two towers of
Notre Dame stood cold and gray against a perfectly blue sky.
Ben scooted closer to Jace, the faint smile signaling that he hoped for
a kiss. Jace was happy to comply. They were good now. The bump they
had hit was nearly two years behind them. Sometimes it felt like it had
never happened at all.
“So should I go first, or do you want to?” Ben said, unzipping his
backpack that had been empty an hour ago when they had split up. Now
it was positively stuffed with all manner of things.
Okay, so maybe Ben did go a little overboard at times, like he was
still trying to compensate.
“Please tell me that’s not all for me,” Jace said. “We agreed to buy
one present each.”
“Of course it isn’t all for you,” Ben said. He opened the backpack
wider and peered inside. “Okay, so maybe it is, but I couldn’t decide
what to get.”
“So you bought everything?” Jace said incredulously.
“Yes. Well, at least everything that I was considering. Besides,
what’s the point in working two jobs if I can’t spend any money? And
don’t say you’re proud of me. I wasn’t fishing for compliments.”
“I am proud of you,” Jace said. After a year of floundering in the
post-college void, Ben had found his way. First he suffered temp work
that offered him nothing in the way of benefits or satisfaction. Finally,
Allison landed Ben a job at the hospital where she worked as a
counselor. Ben worked in speech rehabilitation, helping people
recovering from strokes or other misfortunes, utilizing the vocal training
he had received as a singer.
Typically this was only part-time work, Ben being called in when he
was needed and leaving him with time to spare. More time than Ben
liked, in fact. Jace had finally gained enough seniority to take on
international routes, usually to Italy, since he spoke enough of the
language to get by. This meant more money and benefits, but longer
layovers too, leaving Ben wondering what to do with himself.
Allison had come to the rescue a second time. Or her husband, Brian,
who was part-owner of a dinner theater. Allison had met Brian during
her internship and gotten swept up into a whirlwind romance. But the
relationship had substance as well. When she suggested that Ben audition
for a new musical—
“You’re thinking of me being on stage, aren’t you?” Ben said.
“How could you tell?”
“Because you get this dreamy look on your face, just like when you
watch me perform.”
“That’s because you are so dreamy,” Jace said, nudging him. “You
should be the centerfold of a Tiger Beat magazine.”
“I’m not that young,” Ben said. After a moment he added, “Do they
really have centerfolds?”
“Yes,” Jace said, thinking of Michelle’s ceiling. “I’m surprised you
don’t know this. What did your sister decorate her room with when you
were growing up?”
“Mostly photos of herself,” Ben confided. “Anyway, enough stalling.
Open your presents.”
Ben thrust the backpack into Jace’s lap, so he slowly started
unpacking it. The first item was a calendar of Parisian cats.
“Ugh!” Ben said. “Calendars are the worst present. Buyer’s
remorse!”
“It’s fine,” Jace assured him. Reaching into the bag, he pulled out
two paper bags. He started with the smallest. Inside was a lapel pin of a
cat’s sleek silhouette.
“I figured you could wear it on your airline uniform,” Ben explained.
“I love it!” Jace said. The pin was elegant and simple in design, not
gaudy and tacky. He’d wear it with pride. In the other paper bag was a
handful of macaroons in various colors. His mouth watered at the sight
of them. He knew from experience how delicious they were. These had
an added detail. Thin lines of frosting made the top of the cookies appear
like round cat faces. “I’m starting to detect a theme here.”
“It only gets worse,” Ben said, “but I deserve extra credit for the
macaroons. They were behind the counter, and I had to play charades to
get them, since the woman at the bakery didn’t speak English. You know
what else? They didn’t have croissants.”
“No!” Jace cried as if scandalized.
“Seriously! We’ve been here three days and haven’t had a single
croissant. You promised me croissants!”
“You’ll get your croissant,” Jace said. Not from a patisserie, where
Ben had surely bought the macaroons. He needed to go to a boulangerie
—a bakery—instead.
Next in the backpack was an art print of a woman overwhelmed by
pets. Dogs gathered around her feet while cats covered a counter near her
head. On it were written the words Clinique Cheron, whatever that
meant.
Ben leaned over and pointed at the fattest cat. “That one reminds me
of Samson,” he said.
“I can see why!” Jace said with a chuckle. “Man, I miss him.”
“Me too,” Ben said longingly. “I adore him. I really do. Ever since I
moved in I feel like…”
“What?” Jace prompted.
“Well, like I’m his dad too.”
Jace shook his head. “He’s already got a dad. You can be his
mommy.”
Ben laughed. “Fine. I’ll be his mom. Uh, you should probably skip
the rest of the presents. There are some cat socks in there that I can’t bear
to look at again. There also might be a hideous T-shirt. We probably
shouldn’t split up again.”
“Maybe not,” Jace said.
Ben grew solemn. “It’ll never be enough.”
“What?”
Ben nodded at the pile of souvenirs. “I could buy you everything in
the world, and it still wouldn’t show how much I love you. It’s
frustrating.”
Jace chuckled.
Ben shook his head. “I mean it. I wish there was a way to
communicate it so completely that you couldn’t doubt it. I think
sometimes about all the times I’ve messed up, tallying them up in my
mind—”
“You shouldn’t,” Jace interrupted.
Ben shrugged. “But I do. If I could turn back time, do everything
right the second time around, maybe then you would see.”
“I do see,” Jace said. “You have plenty of ways of showing me. I
don’t remember the last time I had to clean the apartment, or worry about
Samson. Every time I’ve come home from work and bitched about
passengers, you’ve sat there and listened, always finding a way of
cheering me up again. And I haven’t felt lonely since we met. Some
nights out of town, sure, but when I’m with you, I never have any doubt.
I know you love me, Ben. I feel it.” Jace pulled out the socks covered in
cats and shook them. “If I had any doubt, these would have banished it
from my mind.”
“Now I wish I had bought the cat-patterned underwear,” Ben said,
regaining his humor.
“It’s not too late.”
“But first,” Ben said, already grinning in anticipation, “what did you
get me?”
“Brace yourself,” Jace said, reaching into his jacket pocket. He
pulled it out quickly, brandishing it proudly.
“A candy bar?” Ben said, his smile fading.
Jace beamed at him. “Isn’t it great?”
“Yeah!” Ben said, trying to muster enthusiasm. “It’s just—”
“What?”
“It’s a Snickers bar. It’s not even French.”
“I thought you’d be homesick by now,” Jace lied.
The truth was, he had split up with Ben to buy something very
specific. By the time he had found and bought the right thing, no time
remained to grab a decoy. He wasn’t ready to give Ben his real present.
Not quite yet. Luckily, Ben had just given him an idea of when and how
he was going to do it.
“Now I’m thinking that cat calendar isn’t so bad,” Ben said, taking
the candy bar. “You know I hate Snickers.”
“Yup,” Jace said shamelessly.
Ben shook his head. “You’re so weird.”
“Oh wait, I did get you something French,” Jace said, leaning toward
Ben.
“Oh?” Ben said. “Oh!” he added a second later when he caught
Jace’s meaning, eyes half-lidded when they kissed. A few minutes later,
near breathless, Ben said, “God, I love Paris!”
* * * * *
The little apartment they had rented was in Montmartre, a hill in the
northern part of Paris that afforded an excellent view of the city. While
the area was famous for being the former haunt of artists like Picasso,
van Gogh, and Monet, what Jace really found appealing about it were the
cobbled streets, the village atmosphere, and the little pathways lined by
old street lamps. Naturally this meant it was overrun by tourists, but in
the early morning, such as now, it was easy to pretend that they lived in a
sleepy French village.
Speaking of sleepy, Ben was still in bed, even as Jace set the table.
Their one-room apartment included a balcony, one so narrow that all
Jace could fit on it were two chairs. He dragged over a small table, even
though most of it had to stay inside, but enough of the edge jutted onto
the balcony for them to use. The commotion made Ben stir, but that was
okay, because breakfast was ready: orange juice, fresh fruit, a wheel of
oozing Camembert cheese, butter, jelly, a selection of toasts and pastries,
coffee, and most important of all, croissants.
Just one croissant, actually, and that was on Ben’s plate. Jace
considered it, heart pounding. Was he being stupid? Was this the right
way to do it? Of all the romantic potential Paris provided—
“Is that breakfast?” Ben said, sitting up and yawning.
Too late now! “Yes.”
“Good, I’m starving.” Ben got out of bed, fully naked and half-hard,
and strolled to the restroom, smiling slyly at Jace before he disappeared.
When he eventually reappeared, preceded by a flushing toilet instead of
royal trumpets, Ben was wearing a bathrobe and looking amused.
“Bidets are weird!” he said mischievously. “Why don’t they just
hang their asses over the bathroom sink? It’s basically the same thing.”
Jace smirked. “Feeling refreshed?”
“Yes, thank you very much.” Ben considered him on the way to the
table. “Look at you! All showered and dressed. What time did you wake
