teenager. Now Jace still enjoyed seeing Ben nude, being able to help
wash each other, but sex didn’t drive his every need anymore. Intimacy
was another matter. Jace exhaled in relief as Ben went from scrubbing
his back to kneading the muscles of his shoulders.
“You’re tense,” Ben said.
“I think I slept on my neck wrong,” Jace said, rolling it back and
forth.
“We need to get you a new pillow,” Ben said for the umpteenth time.
“Okay,” Jace conceded. “We’ll go shopping later today. Maybe get
something to eat.”
“Pizza,” Ben said, slapping him on the butt.
“Again?”
“Yes. I’m out of here before my whole body turns into a prune.”
Jace stayed to let the water run over his neck, but it didn’t do much
to relax it, or relieve his headache. By the time he got out of the shower,
he had the bathroom to himself. He looked at himself in the wiped-away
circle Ben had made in the steamed-up mirror. If there was a god, days
like this one made him wish he could send his body in for an exchange.
Or at least repairs. Jace closed his eyes.
That’s when he saw it. A red line, thin and dim, but definitely there.
Panic shot through him. One of his aneurysms was rupturing. His
head throbbed as if in confirmation. Jace rushed into the bedroom,
heading for the dresser.
“Ben?” he called out as he pulled on underwear and socks. There
was no answer. Jace hurried to finish dressing. Ben could drive him to
the hospital, and if they were lucky… Jace hesitated, fingers still on the
top button of his jeans, his left hand trembling. There would be another
surgery, if he even made it there. The odds of him dying on the operating
table were high. Fear tingled down Jace’s spine at the idea of being
cracked open, surrounded by strangers in a cold white room as he took
his last breath.
Jace sat on the edge of the bed, trying to decide what to do. Even if
he lived, he wouldn’t be the same person. He’d be changed again in
unpredictable ways. Maybe Ben would have to spoon-feed him the rest
of his life, or do other more personal things. The very idea made Jace
shudder. But he had made a promise. He had told Ben forever, so he had
to try, had to take that risk. Jace stood up, his head raging in response.
The pain was so great he almost fell back. When he blinked, the dim red
line was a raging inferno.
As he entered the kitchen where he thought Ben would be, his vision
doubling, he knew he was out of time. This was it, whether he liked it or
not. His time was up.
Oddly enough, this realization helped to calm him. No more fighting.
No more indecision or fear. His path was decided for him. Ben sat at the
table, attention focused on a script for a play Jace would never see him
perform. Jace leaned against the doorway to stabilize himself.
“Come here,” he said.
Ben looked up in puzzlement, so Jace held his hand out to him.
“Come to bed with me.”
Ben checked his watch. “But we just got up.”
“Come,” Jace said, more insistent now.
Ben didn’t smile as if Jace were being seductive. As he stood, he
studied Jace, trying to figure out what was wrong, but Jace couldn’t tell
him yet or he knew Ben wouldn’t go along with his plan—with what he
needed. They walked into the bedroom and he sat on the edge of the bed,
Ben staring down at him.
“We’re okay,” Ben said, maybe hoping desperately at this point that
it was true.
“No, we’re not,” Jace said, grasping tighter to Ben’s hand and
pulling him into bed. Usually he was the one to hold Ben, to protect him
and make him feel safe, but part of Jace was a little scared, needed back
some of the comfort he’d always given. To have Ben spooning against
his back felt unusual, had almost never occurred. But it felt good too and
helped slow Jace’s heart.
“What’s going on?” Ben asked.
“My head hurts,” Jace admitted, fighting back tears. “Just like last
time.”
He held on tight as Ben tried to get up, knowing he’d run for the
phone, get lost in panic for their final moments together. He didn’t want
that.
“Just stay with me,” Jace pleaded. “It was a miracle I made it last
time. I’m not going to again.”
“You don’t know that!” Ben said, his voice weak.
“You know the statistics as well as I do.” Jace closed his eyes; the
red line had become everything, swallowed up his entire world. But in a
strange way, it didn’t feel angry anymore, like it knew they were in
agreement. “Please, I don’t want us to argue. Not now. I don’t want to
die in a hospital.”
“Jace.”
“Please do this for me. I love you, Ben.”
“I love you too.” Ben’s body shook with tears. Jace felt kisses on his
neck, on his ear. “I love you so much.”
Jace gritted his teeth against the pain, the grimace becoming a grin.
He was loved. That’s all he’d wanted, ever since he was old enough to
need someone else to make him feel complete. Someone to be there for
him in his darkest hour, to transform it into the most beautiful moment of
his life.
“I’ll always love you,” Ben was saying. “Forever. I’ll never stop. I
promise. I promise.”
Samson stood up, lay himself against the curve of Jace’s belly, warm
and purring. As the quiet warmth overtook Jace, he remembered the time
Greg had held him like this, or the times he spent lying between his
mother and father as a child. But just before he drifted off completely, he
felt Ben’s fingers intertwine with his own, felt a kiss against the back of
his neck, and heard those three little words whispered with so much
meaning that there was no room for doubt.
He was loved.
