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THE Power OF Charm
How to Win Anyone Over in Any Situation
Brian Tracy and Ron Arden
American Management Association
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AMACOM, a division of American Management Association,
1601 Broadway, New York, NY 10019.
Tel.: 212-903-8316. Fax: 212-903-8083.
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This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information
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professional service. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required,
the services of a competent professional person should be sought.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Tracy, Brian.
The power of charm : how to win anyone over in any situation / Brian Tracy and
Ron Arden.—1st ed.
p. cm.
Includes index.
ISBN 0-8144-7357-1
1. Interpersonal relations—Handbooks, manuals, etc. 2. Interpersonal
communication—Handbooks, manuals, etc. 3. Charm. I. Arden, Ron. II. Title.
HM1106.T73 2006
646.7'6–dc22
2005033866
. 2006 Brian Tracy and Ron Arden
All rights reserved.
Printed in the United States of America.
This publication may not be reproduced, stored in a retrieval
system, or transmitted in whole or in part, in any form or by
any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording,
or otherwise, without the prior written permission of AMACOM,
a division of American Management Association,
1601 Broadway, New York, NY 10019.
Printing number
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
We dedicate this book to our wonderful wives,
Nicky and Barbara, the two finest women
in the world, without whose patient
listening we could never have become so
successful at speaking. You are the
most charming women of all.
Contents
Introduction 1
CHAPTER 1 What Is Charm? 3
CHAPTER 2 Charm in Action 5
CHAPTER 3 What Charm Can Do 8
CHAPTER 4 How to Charm Anyone 11
CHAPTER 5 The Magic of Listening 16
CHAPTER 6 Charming a Woman 22
CHAPTER 7 Charming a Man 26
CHAPTER 8 Charming from the Inside Out and
from the Outside In 30
CHAPTER 9 The Power of Attention 35
CHAPTER 10 The First Signal: Eye Contact 38
CHAPTER 11 The Second Signal: The Flick 41
CHAPTER 12 The Third Signal: Head Tilts 44
CHAPTER 13 The Fourth Signal: Head Nods 47
CHAPTER 14 The Fifth Signal: Whole Body Language 50
CHAPTER 15 The Sixth Signal: Body Language to Avoid 54
CHAPTER 16 The Seventh Signal: Vocal Reassurances 59
CHAPTER 17 The Eighth Signal: Verbal Reassurances 61
CHAPTER 18 Practice Being Charming with Friends 63
v
Contents
CHAPTER 19 Be Careful with Advice 67
CHAPTER 20 The Power of Patient Listening 70
CHAPTER 21 Be Quick to Smile and Laugh 72
CHAPTER 22 Be Quick to Praise 75
CHAPTER 23 Use the “Act as If” Principle 78
CHAPTER 24 What You Say and How You Say It 83
CHAPTER 25 The Look-Aside 86
CHAPTER 26 The Art of Speaking Slowly 88
CHAPTER 27 The Eloquence of Silence 92
CHAPTER 28 Excessive Fillers Are Charm Killers 95
CHAPTER 29 Charming People with Your Voice 97
CHAPTER 30 Be a Charming Conversationalist 101
CHAPTER 31 Steer the Conversation 104
CHAPTER 32 Do Your Homework 107
CHAPTER 33 Keep the Ball in Their Court 112
CHAPTER 34 Don’t “Kill the Ball” 115
CHAPTER 35 Get in Step with the Other Person 118
CHAPTER 36 Practice Makes Perfect 121
CHAPTER 37 Translate Skill into Art 123
CHAPTER 38 Now You Have to Do It! 125
CHAPTER 39 Roll Out the Charm 127
SPECIAL BONUS SECTION:
The Power of Charm on the Telephone 129
Index 135
About the Authors 137
Introduction
You must have this charm to reach the pinnacle. It is made of
everything and of nothing, the striving will, the look, the walk,
the proportions of the body, the sound of the voice, the ease
of the gestures. It is not at all necessary to be handsome
or to be pretty; all that is needful is charm.
—SARAH BERNHARDT
Fully 85 percent of your success in business and personal
life will be determined by your ability to communicate
effectively with others. “Social intelligence,” or
the ability to interact, converse, negotiate with, and persuade
others, is the most highly paid and respected form of
intelligence you can have, and this intelligence can be
developed.
You can learn to be a warm, friendly, likable, and charming
individual just by practicing some of the communication
methods and techniques used by the most influential
and effective people in our world today.
The “secrets” of great communicators are not secrets at
1
The Power of Charm
all. They are simply proven methods of interacting with
others in a way that makes them open to you and receptive
to your message. As a result, they are more willing to be
influenced by you, to buy from you, to enter into business
and personal relationships with you, and to think of you in
positive terms.
Your ability to be charming, to be a genuinely likable
and pleasant person, will likely open more doors for you
than any other quality. The more people like you and think
of you warmly, the more they will want to see you, listen to
you, be in your presence, and invite you into theirs.
In the hundreds of speeches we’ve given and to the
thousands of people we’ve trained, we have repeatedly
said, “The most valuable commodity in the world isn’t
gold or diamonds—it’s charm.” Your reputation, how people
think and talk about you when you are not there, is
your most valuable personal and professional asset. It is
the sum total of the impression you make on others when
they spend time in your presence.
By learning the simple truths about charm and practicing
the techniques that follow, you can dramatically
improve the effectiveness and enjoyment of your interactions
with all others, starting with your family and extending
to everyone you meet.
You will be more successful, earn more money, get promoted
faster, make more sales, prevail in more negotiations,
and be more persuasive and influential with everyone
you meet.
CHAPTER 1
What Is Charm?
When John F. Kennedy flashed his smile,
he could charm a bird off a tree.
—SEYMOUR ST. JOHN
Listen to the description of charm by someone who
did not expect it and may have been resistant to its
effect before succumbing:
… [H]e projected a totally ‘in the moment’ focus on each person
he met…. [H]e exuded warmth; he seemed a man genuinely
interested in liking you, and not concerned with whether or not
you liked him. How much of that was genetic and how much
developed I can only speculate. All I know is that I was, in that
brief moment of meeting, totally charmed by a person I neither
agreed with nor even expected to like.
These remarks are by professional speaker Mark
Sanborn, commenting on meeting President Bill Clinton.
3
The Power of Charm
When we refer to charm, we’re not talking about table
manners, good looks, or being a snappy dresser; we’re talking
about something much more profound. True charm is
something that goes beyond mere appearance. It’s that ability
some people have to create extraordinary rapport that
makes others in their presence feel exceptional. Charm has
an engaging quality to which we respond powerfully and
emotionally, almost instinctively.
Nature or Nurture?
You might be saying to yourself, “But you have to be born
with charm, and if you’re not, you’re out of luck!” We used
to believe that too, but in all the many years that we have
researched, experimented with, and taught the art and
craft of person-to-person communication, we have found
much evidence to the contrary.
There’s no question that some people are naturally
charming, which gives them an advantage. But charm is
not some mystical ingredient that is found in our genes.
Charm is the result of using specific skills that most of us
know little or nothing about. This means charm can be
learned.
In the pages ahead, you will learn how to become a
completely charismatic person, exerting a magnetic attraction
and influence on the people you meet.
Your Tools for Charming Others
From now on, think about charm as a personality quality
and skill you can develop by doing the things that charming
people do and being the kind of person that charming
people are.
CHAPTER 2
Charm in Action
Charm: A quality that exerts an irresistible
power to please and attract.
—THE DICTIONARY
Ron Arden relates this personal story as a testament
to the power of charm:
It was back in the seventies that my awareness of the
power of charm really took root. A friend of ours in Los
Angeles phoned to invite my wife Nicky and me to a reception
for Ivan Berold and his wife Maryanne. They had
recently arrived here from South Africa. Ivan, a handsome
devil and a good actor and friend, is someone I had known
during my theater days in South Africa.
We arrived at their home that Saturday afternoon and
5
The Power of Charm
joined the crowd in the garden. People were milling
around the bar and, of course, Ivan and Maryanne. We
greeted each other warmly and then the four of us proceeded
to “fill up” at the inviting buffet tables.
Later that afternoon I saw Nicky and Ivan talking to
each other, and I noticed that my dear, normally levelheaded
wife seemed entranced by him. I thought, “What
on earth is going on? She’s behaving like a teenybopper.”
An irrational pang of jealousy shot through me and I hurried
over to join them.
The Power of Fascination
Soon after, I said to Nicky, “What is so fascinating about
Ivan that you looked mesmerized by him?”
She thought for a moment and said, “When he speaks
to you, it’s as though you’re in a cocoon with him. No one
exists in the world for him but you. And when he listens,
he listens as though every word you say is important and
needs his undivided attention.”
When I thought about it, I realized she was absolutely
right. Ever since I’ve known him, he has displayed that
same quality when he’s with anyone. He radiates charm
continuously. That’s why Ivan is very much a lady’s man
and very much a man’s man, too.
A Lifelong Interest Leads to These Simple Rules
Though this event happened more than twenty years ago,
I remember it like it was yesterday. As my dear wife
reminds me, my first deep interest in charm seemed to happen
about then.
Charm in Action
And my interest grew. I set about studying and identifying
the behaviors that all people of charm use. I questioned
many of these individuals to get an idea of how they
feel about their impact on others. One of the fascinating
things I discovered was that those who charm get great
pleasure in giving others pleasure.
I set about reducing what I had learned into identifiable
and manageable lessons, each lesson having its own set of
simple rules and techniques that are easy to understand
and just as easy to learn and to do.
Brian Tracy and I have successfully trained many others
to use these skills, whether for professional or social
reasons, and now you, too, can learn how to control the
dynamics of your own impact on people. Once you discover
how to wield the power of charm, you’ll have at your
disposal one of the most valuable elements for success—
how to make people feel like a million.
Your Tools for Charming Others
Think of the most charming person you know. Observe the
person’s behavior. Try to identify what he does when being
charming. Watch the effect it has on others and use what
you observe and learn as motivation to become, in your
own way, just like your model—charming, persuasive, and
admirable.
CHAPTER 3
What Charm
Can Do
Charm is captivating. Just as the petals of a flower unfold and
open to the warmth and light of the sun, so do we unfold
and open to the enchantment of charm. Charm acts as the
Great Attractor, drawing us toward its magnetic source.
—THOKOZA, A 20TH CENTURY WISE WOMAN
Those who have charm usually get listened to and
often get extra chances. They are given opportunities
others may never get. They can be forgiven for things others
would be crucified for. They will be told things that others
may never hear. People make excuses for them, go out
of their way for them, and always give them the benefit of
the doubt. Let’s face it, you probably know someone who
8
What Charm Can Do
has reached you in a very compelling and profound fashion.
If so, you’ve been on the receiving end of someone’s
charm offensive.
Feeling Like a Million
At some time or another, we’ve all met someone who has
the talent to sweep you away with their charm. They
seemed to truly like you. They valued your opinion. They
devoted all of their attention to you and nobody else.
When they were with you, no one but you existed for them,
no matter who else was around. They made you feel as
though you were the most fascinating and important person
they’d ever met. You totally suspended critical judgment
for the pleasure of their company. Do you remember
how wonderful you felt? I bet you felt like a million.
Think what power
there is in being able to make somebody
feel wonderful about himself. It’s unlimited! Great
