hit movie or popular television program, books, sports, or
fashion. If you’ve mentioned a movie, ask them what they
have seen lately. Ask what kind of movies they prefer, and
so on.
Find a Subject of Interest
Here’s an example of how you can piggyback on what
another person is talking about. Suppose the other person
says, “I’m so frustrated by the way people drive nowadays.
There’s no consideration for anyone else. Nobody has
patience anymore; they just want to get to wherever they’re
going as fast as they can and you’d better get out of the way.”
Let’s analyze the possibilities in this simple statement.
It’s safe to say that this person has a bee in his bonnet about
something—but what? About driving in general? Perhaps.
The Power of Charm
About inconsiderate behavior? Maybe. About other people’s
lack of patience? Possibly. There are three different
directions you could take the conversation safely. You
could reply with, “I agree,” and then proceed to briefly talk
about an incident that happened to you. That approach is
particularly useful if the other person seems to be running
out of conversation.
Always remember that the more you can learn about
other people during a conversational exchange, the greater
will be your potential influence on them. The more and
better questions you can ask that piggyback on their background
and interests, the more they will find you to be
charming.
Your Tools for Charming Others
Remember, the person who asks questions has control. There
are three powerful questions you can ask of any new
acquaintance that will enable you to control the conversation
and appear charming at the same time.
First, you ask, “What sort of work do you do?” Most people
are deeply interested in their work. It plays a central
role in their lives and is a major source of their identity.
They love to talk about it and describe what they do to
others.
Then, when they have told you what they do, you ask,
with great interest and curiosity, “How did you get into
that line of work, anyway?”
This question will invariably be answered with all kinds of
details about the person’s history, experiences, and background,
all explained in the form of a life story. Sometimes
the story can go on indefinitely. People usually feel that the
story of their careers to this point is one of the most fascinating
stories ever told.
Do Your Homework
The speaker may slow down periodically to determine if
you are really interested or if you are just being polite.
Whenever he pauses in his story, you ask, “And then what
did you do?”
He will immediately expand on his last comment and continue
telling you more of his story. Whenever he slows, ask
“And then what did you do?” He will be completely
charmed by you.
You can ask other, similar questions as well. “Tell me more
about that.” “How did you feel?” “And what did they do?”
“What happened next?”
If you like, you can introduce your own thoughts. When
you do say something about yourself, resist the temptation
to become too talkative. To pass the ball back to the other
person, end your comment about yourself with another
question to get the other person talking again.
CHAPTER 33
Keep the Ball in
Their Court
The chief ends of conversation are to inform or
to be informed, to please or to persuade.
—BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
Charming people keep up their end of the conversation
by passing the ball back and forth easily and
naturally.
Your goal is to participate actively in the conversation
while at the same time encouraging your conversational
counterparts to take over as much as they want. You are
like a tennis player who concentrates on keeping the ball in
play. Like a tennis coach, you hit the ball so your student
can reach it and get an opportunity to hit it back. The
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longer the rally lasts, the more valuable it is for the student,
as well as for the conversationalist.
Reading Each Other
Most conversations begin with polite, social banter. These
light exchanges allow both parties to gauge the mood and
receptivity of the other person. You can then shift the conversation
to more profound matters, depending on the
direction you want to go.
One of the best ways to keep the conversational ball in
play is to use questions that spin off from what you’re
already talking about. For example, imagine that at the
beginning of the conversation you began talking about
food.
You say, “Have you tasted these snacks? They’re delicious!”
The other person replies and then you speak again,
introducing a new question: “I must say, my enjoyment of
food always threatens my waistline. What type of foods do
you prefer?”
Whatever the answer, you agree. “Me, too,” you say. “I
love most foods as long as they’re well prepared and tasty.
Do you eat out a lot?”
The other person gives an answer, then you continue: “I
think the best home-cooking-type restaurant in town is
[name your favorite restaurant].”
That comment leads into the next question: “Have you
ever been there?”
The person answers, and then you continue. “You must
try it. Just about everything they make is exceptional. Do
you have any restaurants that you particularly enjoy?”
The Power of Charm
For each answer, you continue with a follow-up question:
“Do you enjoy eating out?” And so on.
Obviously, the conversation could go in a hundred different
directions but, as you can see, the basic idea is to
keep the conversation bouncing back to the other person.
It is not complicated or difficult to do. It just involves putting
your ego on the back burner and attending to the
needs or interests of the other person. It is the key to being
charming.
Your Tools for Charming Others
In conversation, remember that it is not about you. It is
about the other people around you. Most people are so
concerned about themselves and the impression they are
making, they lose their naturalness and spontaneity.
When you talk to another person, forget about yourself.
Don’t worry about being liked or popular. Instead, focus
on making others feel liked and popular.
CHAPTER 34
Don’t
“Kill the Ball”
The success of the actions of great men depends more upon
the purity of their hearts than upon the means of their actions.
—VEDAS
To “kill the ball” is a tennis term. It’s what you do
when your opponent is out of position. You pounce
on the ball and hit it so hard that you win the point.
When you and another person are having an argument,
that is what you generally try to do. You try to find a point
of fact or position where you can win without your opponent
being able to respond.
But, when you are trying to be charming, it is utter
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The Power of Charm
madness to try to stake out a winning position. The last
thing you want is for the conversation to fall “out of
charm” because you are beginning to find yourself in disagreement
with the other person. Then you are in the
potentially dangerous position of wanting to kill the ball
and with it, all your efforts so far.
Brian on Trying Too Hard to Impress
When I was a young firebrand, I got involved in politics at
a time when the state was convulsed with political acrimony.
I spent hours studying and reviewing every possible
fact on the key issues of the day. I wrote letters to
the editor that were published regularly in the major
newspapers, and was regularly featured as a guest on
the controversial radio shows. I really knew my stuff.
I would argue, debate, and overwhelm anyone who wanted
to discuss the issues of the day. I was like a verbal
Zorro, slashing skillfully at any opponent, and even at my
friends. Then one evening, I was at social gathering with
a lot of prominent people. When I arrived, they were gathered
in groups talking and bantering back and forth.
Knowing I could dominate and win any political conversation,
I walked up to a group of businesspeople I knew and
began speaking about something in the day’s news. As I
opened my mouth, as if on cue, the four men glanced at
me and then dispersed quickly in four different directions,
leaving me standing there by myself. It was a lesson
I never forgot, and I never again attempted to use my
verbal prowess to dominate a conversation.
Don’t “Kill the Ball”
Do You Want to Be Happy or Right?
No matter how strongly you feel or how ridiculous you
think other people’s ideas may be, avoid even the tiniest
sense of conflict. Conflict in a conversation is a certain
charm-buster. That doesn’t mean you can’t be firm in your
opinions, but don’t let the idea of winning the point overwhelm
your true purpose—which is to be warm, genial,
likable, and a pleasure to be around. In a word: to be
charming.
Your Tools for Charming Others
First, be clear about your intent in any conversation: It is to
be charming. It is not to win the point or to impress others
with your cleverness.
Second, avoid conflict at all costs. It is an immediate
charm-buster. It’s difficult to be perceived as being charming
when there is even a semblance of hostility in the air.
Third, you may be pleasantly firm with your opinions, but
don’t try to kill the ball. Present your point of view gently,
tentatively, and then let it go. Don’t become so involved in
being “right” that your charm is obscured in a cloud of
argument.
Finally, only take over the conversation when other people
make it clear that they want to hear from you. When they
ask a lot of questions about you, that means they are most
likely interested in you. Oblige them, but don’t risk becoming
a bore by going on too long.
When it comes to charm or winning the point, if you win—
you lose!
CHAPTER 35
Get in Step with the
Other Person
What lies behind us and what lies before us
are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
—ORISON SWETT MARDEN
Timing is everything in getting through to people,
especially in the area of charm. As it says in
Ecclesiastes, “There is a time for every purpose under
heaven.” Your job is to determine when it is.
Have you ever tried to talk with others only to find
yourself out of step with their mood? You’re cool and mellow;
they’re agitated and uptight. You’re feeling life’s a
ball; they’re down in the dumps.
The two of you are worlds apart and any attempt to
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Get in Step with the Other Person
make a connection fails. You may try to be supportive and
reassuring, but nothing seems to work. You just can’t connect.
Why is that? It could be because, at that moment, the
two of you have different rhythms and are moving at different
speeds, like automobile gears grinding.
It is the same with people. You have to find a way to
mesh gears, to make sure that you and the other person are
in sync, so that no matter how different you are, you can
create rapport.
Practice Mirroring and Matching
Long before the advent of neurolinguistic programming
(NLP), professionals used an acting exercise called “mirroring
and matching” to learn what it was like to be a
leader or follower. The exercise trained actors to work in
harmony with each other by synchronizing their movements
or behaviors. For example, one person would make
up a tune and hum it, and the other would try to hum the
same tune seemingly at the identical time. Two people
would, with each other’s cooperation, become a mirror
image of each other.
Most of us have the latent ability to adapt to different
types of people but, for all kinds of reasons, we don’t. Can
you imagine what it would be like if you could only relate
to people exactly like you? How narrow your world would
become. It’s the reason many people become so inflexible
and judgmental. If you don’t do it the way I do it, if you
don’t see the world exactly as I see it, then you’re wrong,
unworthy, irrelevant.
People with charm avoid being inflexible and judgmental.
They enjoy seeing the world through others’ eyes
as well as their own. That is one of the most fundamental
The Power of Charm
secrets of charm—being able to see the world through the other
person’s eyes.
Your Tools for Charming Others
The next time you are in a conversation, try this exercise.
First, consciously mirror and match the other person or
people with whom you are conversing by listening to their
speech and watching their body language. If they speak
rapidly, you match them. If they speak fairly slowly, you
do the same. If they gesture a great deal, so should you. If
they are restrained in their gestures, you be the same.
Second, whatever seems to be their topic of the day, try to
see it from their point of view. Nod, smile, agree, and offer
reassurances. The idea is to get them to say in their minds,
“I am very comfortable with this person. We have so much
in common. We are very similar.” We all tend to like and
feel at ease with people who seem in tune and in harmony
with us. We find them charming.
CHAPTER 36
Practice
Makes Perfect
What we learn to do, we learn by doing.
—ARISTOTLE
Practice your new charm skills whenever you can.
When you first learn new techniques, they may feel a
little awkward. This is normal. It is only when you repeat
these charm skills in conversations with real people that you
learn them to the point where they become second nature.
It is not enough that the players on a football team
work out and learn and practice the plays. It’s the experience
they get, game after game, that allows them to develop
conditioned reflexes.
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