Make These Skills Automatic
As you practice and repeat these techniques, you will automatically
program the behaviors of being charming into
your subconscious mind. It will then take over and these
techniques will happen naturally and easily. That’s been
our goal from the beginning.
You’ve seen the concentration and effort in a baby
learning to walk, or a child learning to ride a bicycle, or an
adult learning to play golf or square dance. Pure, dogmatic,
do-it-by-the-numbers repetition allows us to do many
things without having to think about them.
When you boot up a computer, certain programs automatically
come into operation. If there were no programs
already installed in the computer’s memory, just like they
are installed in your subconscious, then you’d have a blank
screen and a blank mind.
Your Tools for Charming Others
Practice every skill you’ve learned so far on every occasion.
Focus on one skill at a time. Use the skills of charm
with your family, friends, new acquaintances, and people
you work with during the day. Practice will give you the
experience and confidence you need to be charming in
almost every human interaction.
Treat each person you meet like a million-dollar customer,
like the most important person in the world. When you
approach people this way, you will make them feel wonderful
about themselves. They will find you completely
charming.
CHAPTER 37
Translate Skill
into Art
Do you see a man skillful in his work? He will stand before kings.
—PROVERBS 22:29
Once you have all the techniques needed to create
charm, there are some personal commitments that
can only come from you. It is when these attitudes are
added to your listening, looking, and speaking abilities
that your well-practiced techniques rise above themselves
and become the “art” of charm.
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The Power of Charm
Your Tools for Charming Others
Blend all your abilities together into the art
of charm by
incorporating these attitudes into your listening and
speaking habits. These are the commitments that will bring
pleasure to you and others:
. Resolve to be pleasant and pleasing with each person
you meet.
. Resolve to be gracious and understanding, no matter
what is going on.
. Resolve to be caring, considerate, and nonjudgmental.
. Resolve to be quick to smile and quick to praise.
Paradoxically, it is only when you put the other person
ahead of you that you end up ahead yourself.
CHAPTER 38
Now You
Have to Do It!
There is no substitute for talent. Industry and
all the virtues are of no avail.
—ALDOUS HUXLEY
Awrestling coach told one of his athletes, “You have
real talent and you work hard and that’s great.
However, if you want to be a top wrestler, you need lots of
experience.” If you want to be a top athlete, working out is
not experience, conditioning is not experience, and training
is not experience. They are what they are—no more.
The coach was saying that only by going out there and
wrestling competitively would this athlete gain experience.
The same thought applies to nearly everything we do.
Thinking about it isn’t doing it. Getting ready isn’t doing it.
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The Power of Charm
Practicing it isn’t doing it. Visualizing it isn’t doing it.
Doing it is doing it! There’s no other way. To get all the
seams ironed out so that you can act effortlessly and naturally,
you have to do something over and over again under
real-life circumstances until you don’t need to think about
it anymore. The secret to performing at your best is to condition
your mind so thoroughly that your behaviors and
responses are easy and automatic.
You have to do a lot of charming.
Your Tools for Charming Others
Visualize yourself in a social or business situation, and see
yourself as relaxed, genial, warm, friendly, and charming.
Imagine you are exerting your charm on another person
and they are smiling and enjoying your company.
Affirm and repeat to yourself regularly, “I am a completely
charming person.” Every time you say these words, create
a mental image of yourself charming another person
and enjoying it.
Finally, to program your subconscious mind with the elements
of charm, continually “act as if” you are a worldclass
charmer. Resolve to walk, talk, gesture, and smile
exactly as if you already exert a magnetic influence on
everyone with whom you come in contact. Allow your
conditioned reflexes to guide the way. You don’t have to
“make” it happen, you let it happen. You have already
begun to experience the power of charm. Now you have to
believe in your charm and enjoy it.
Always stay “in the moment.” For a charming person, the
only time is now. There’s no “next time,” no “tomorrow,”
no “I’ll try again.” You can only be charming when you are
fully focused on the other person and nothing else. As Ram
Dass said, “Be here now!”
CHAPTER 39
Roll Out
the Charm
Half the world is composed of people who have
something to say and can’t, and the other half who have
nothing to say and keep on saying it.
—ROBERT FROST
Your ability to charm others will be like the cherry on
the parfait, socially, and money in the bank, professionally.
Think of the enormous value your newly acquired
charm will have in your social world. You will make new
friends easily, be the person everyone would like to talk to
at a party, delight your friends and family, and charm the
pants off total strangers.
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The Power of Charm
The Key to Advancement
In the business world, can you imagine the advantages
your charm skills will give you? You will make more sales
to customers who are eager to buy from you. You will
negotiate more effectively, buying at lower prices and selling
at higher prices.
Your company will make you the key person to meet
important business contacts. Your colleagues and superiors
will look forward to spending time with you because they
value you not just for your intelligence but for your charm
as well.
You will be paid more and promoted faster. Your personal
and market value will be higher than you could ever
have expected before. People who can help you will open
doors for you, and opportunities to advance will increase.
Now it is all up to you. You have nothing to lose and
everything to gain. Who doesn’t enjoy being with someone
who seems to appreciate them, cares about them, listens to
them, responds to them—who makes them feel important
and treasured? Who doesn’t like to spend time with a
charming person?
Don’t you?
SPECIAL BONUS SECTION
The Power of Charm
on the Telephone
Many of us spend vast amounts of time on the telephone.
With the advent of cell phones, more people are chattering
away in any and every place you can imagine. The development
of telephone charm can dramatically increase your effectiveness
in dealing with other people. Try these simple techniques.
Step 1: The First Impression
You know the old saying, “You never get a second chance to make
a first impression.” Often that first impression isn’t created face-toface
but on the telephone.
Many sales professionals and businesspeople never actually
meet their customers in person; they do business solely on the
phone. They are successful with this technique because they develop
telephone personalities that come across charmingly and persuasively.
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The Power of Charm
A Common Experience
True story: A customer called up an appliance company and a
woman’s voice answered abruptly, “K and B.” The caller said, “I
beg your pardon,” and she again said “K and B” in the same grim,
totally charmless manner. The caller paused and then asked gently,
“Why didn’t you say good morning?”
There was silence. Then the caller said, “You have such a nice
speaking voice, I would love to have heard you say good morning.”
Still silence. “Could you say it now?” Another silence and
then, finally, “Good morning.”
The effect was striking. By now her voice and manner were
totally friendly; there was, in fact, a smile in her voice. The customer
responded by saying, “That was terrific—thank you.” The
customer’s impression of the receptionist, and the company she
represented, changed radically from her first “K and B” to her last
“Good morning.”
What a little thing to do, to smile, and what a difference it
makes. Don’t forget, a smile can be heard and felt in your voice on
the phone. The listener might not smile, but you must!
Step 2: Looking for Clues to How Someone Speaks and
Listens
The beginning of a telephone conversation gives you a great opportunity
to discover how the person on the other end of the line communicates.
You will soon discover whether their conversation is
dominated either by what the person thinks about things or how he
or she feels about things. Psychologists call them cues, systematic
cues and heuristic cues, respectively. We call them clues.
The words people choose and the way they sound as they
speak are clues to what is important to them at that time. When you
talk and listen to other people, be prepared to synchronize with
whatever communication mode they are using and respond with
more of the same.
The Power of Charm on the Telephone
Details versus Emotions
For example: When someone seems particularly interested in discussing
the informational details of a topic, you should avoid talking
about feelings and emotions. The reverse is also true. If the
other person seems to be emotionally involved with the subject you
are discussing, avoid talking about practical and logistical things
until the person changes course. You don’t want to be talking past
one another; you want to be on the same wavelength.
Imagine the disconnect there would be if a friend or family
member was talking about the beauty of the mountains and how
peaceful it is to vacation there (heuristic-based response) and you
insist on discussing the geology of the region and the type of crops
grown there (systematic-based response). You might as well have
just arrived from Mars!
Others talk about feelings and emotions; you talk about facts
and figures. The result—disenchantment! They talk about numbers
and logistics; you talk about mood and emotions. The result—
calamity!
Step 3: Giving People What They Want
If you want to be charming, remember this point: It’s not about
you. Forget about yourself. Oblige the other person. When you are
talking to someone on the phone, treat the mouthpiece of the phone
as though it is the ear of the person you are talking to. Speak warmly
and gently. Caress it with your voice. It will help make what you
say sound more intimate, caring, and personal.
Here now are the twenty-two most powerful ideas ever to help
you become more charming on the telephone:
1. Encourage the other person to talk. When it’s your turn to
talk, don’t go into a series of mini-monologues. Instead, ask
questions and listen closely to the answers. The more you listen,
the more charming you sound.
2. Speak clearly, simply, and directly. If the other person uses
ordinary language without complicated words, you must do the
The Power of Charm
same. Nothing can create a barrier more rapidly than sounding
superior by using ten-dollar words. Keep away from any language
that cuts the other person out of the loop.
3. Listen attentively, because it’s the only way you can learn. Most
people would rather talk than listen, especially on the phone.
Resist this tendency, and when the other person wants to talk,
focus on listening.
4. Be a patient listener. Although you may be ready with an
answer after the first few words they say, allow them to complete
their thoughts and air their feelings until it is your turn to speak.
5. Be an active listener. Use vocal and verbal acknowledgments
and reassurances such as, “Uh-huh,” “Yes, I see,”
“Mmmm,” “Really,” “You don’t say,” “Of course,” and the like.
These simple remarks let the other person know that you are
fully engaged.
6. Interrupt without offending. Interrupting can be read as a
negation of what a person is saying and thinking—it’s a small
put-down. If you absolutely must interrupt, always take the
blame. Say something like, “Forgive me for interrupting, but I
didn’t want to forget this point.”
7. Use short, graphic examples and stories. Dry is deadly.
When it’s your turn to speak, create a little theater with your
comments. It wasn’t just “a sunny day,” it was “a warm, gladto-
be-alive, sunny day.” Be colorful and pictorial.
8. Never assume—never presume. No matter how friendly the
conversation is, never stretch the familiarity level above what the
other person has set—especially when it comes to kidding
around. If you can’t say it to your mother or father, don’t say it
to someone else.
9. Don’t rush. Slow down and use the deeper sounds of your
voice. Slower and deeper is much more attractive in speech than
faster and higher.
10.Use pauses. When you or the person you are addressing
needs time to think, try introducing a pause. Warn the other per
The Power of Charm on the Telephone
son by saying, “Take a moment to consider that,” or, “Give me a
moment to think.” When you pause, don’t take too long or you’ll
get a “Hello, are you there?”
11. Don’t oversell information. Give people the information
they need—no more. Some people will balk at making decisions
or coming to conclusions if they are overwhelmed. Don’t tell
them what they don’t want or need to know. Be alert to the fact
that your overenthusiasm could overfill their interest level.
12. Be empathetic to people’s moods and concerns. If they’re
unhappy, be unhappy for them; if they’re glad, be glad for them.
