and automatic over time.
Listening with a Difference
Effective listening means listening with a difference. It’s not
the “lend me your ear and I’ll tell you a story” type of listening;
rather, it’s about convincing people you are totally
involved in what is being said.
Ron on Charming People by Listening to Them
I remember once watching a friend of mine who was the
hostess of a party. She was chatting with great animation
to someone unfamiliar to me. When he left, she crossed
over to me and said, “Do you know Roger Pitt, that
delightful man I was just talking to?” I didn’t. “Well, he’s
one of the most charming people I’ve ever met, and what
a great conversationalist—intelligent, articulate, and
amusing—you must meet him!”
Inwardly I smiled. “A great conversationalist, intelligent,
articulate, and amusing,” she said. Well, while I was
watching, he rarely seemed to utter more than a word or
two—but he was, I noticed, a great listener. And in so
being, he absolutely charmed his hostess.
The Magic of Listening
Your Tools for Charming Others
Try these effective listening techniques—listening, pausing,
asking thoughtful questions, and paraphrasing—one
at a time. Begin by practicing attentive listening at home
and at work. Make no attempt to interrupt. Just hang on
the other person’s every word.
Practice controlling and directing the conversation by
using these various techniques. You’ll discover you can
communicate more deeply with a person in a few minutes
by asking questions and listening closely to the answers
than you could in several weeks by talking all the time.
CHAPTER 6
Charming
a Woman
If God made anything better than a girl, Dover thought,
He sure kept it to himself.
—NELSON ALGREN, A Walk on the Wild Side
Men and women are different, in ways other than
the obvious.
One of the most important applications of charm is to
be sensitive and attractive to the women in your world.
Women love men who are charming. They want to be with
them constantly.
To be charming to women, you have to understand how
they think and feel. You must then say and do the things that
affect them emotionally if you want them to like you.
22
Charming a Woman
Most women’s primary source of personal value and
self-esteem comes from the quality of their relationships
with the important people in their lives. They place an
even higher emphasis than men on outward appearance
and on how well they are perceived and treated by others.
Three Deep Needs of Every Woman
The most powerful and important emotional needs of most
women are affection, attention, and respect. They judge other
people by their caring and concern for them, and by their
confidence and competence in the world. They can see past
external appearances and look into the heart of the person
they are talking to.
The way to charm a woman is by being totally, 100 percent
captivated by her as a person, and by every word she
says, without interrupting or stopping her flow of conversation.
Just as two young people in love sit and look into
each other’s eyes, so should you allow yourself to be completely,
totally fascinated by the woman you are talking to
and whom you want to charm.
Talk Less, Listen More
A comedienne once said, “I love going to my therapist. I
get to talk nonstop about myself for an hour, just like a man
on a first date.” This is all too true.
Instead, the next time you are with a woman you care
about, resist the overwhelming temptation to talk about
yourself as if your day was the most fascinating event since
Jesus walked the earth. Rather, ask her questions about
herself and her day, about her life and her concerns, and
The Power of Charm
then listen quietly and attentively to the answers. She will
find you to be charming.
Brian on Listening and Questioning
Some years ago, when I was a bachelor, I took an attractive
young woman out to dinner. Throughout the dinner, I
asked her questions about herself. At a certain point, she
opened up and told me about a particularly sad thing that
had happened to her.
I was so moved by her pain at recalling the event that I
winced. “I’m so sorry that happened to you,” I said. And
I really meant it. We sat there silently for a couple of minutes
while I held her hand and allowed her to just relax in
my presence, with no comment.
It was the beginning of a fulfilling relationship. My genuine
concern for her feelings and her experience created a
powerful bond between us.
To Impress or to Be Impressed?
When you are with a woman you want to charm, instead of
talking about yourself and trying to impress her, be
impressed by her. Ask her questions and talk to her about
her hopes and concerns, her background, her goals and
desires. Talk and listen as if you find her to be the most fascinating
person you ever met.
The more you are impressed by her, by her ideas and
opinions, her character and personality, the more im
Charming a Woman
pressed she will be with you. She will find you to be
absolutely charming.
Your Tools for Charming Others
Select a woman in your life, at work or at home, and imagine
that she is the most interesting and fascinating person
you have ever met. Treat her with extreme courtesy and
respect. Hang on her every word. Ask questions and listen
closely to the answers. See how long you can encourage
her to speak without interrupting or talking about yourself.
The next time you meet a woman you like, practice the
same skills of acceptance, appreciation, and approval. Ask her
about her work and personal life, and find something to be
impressed about, or even to be amazed by. The wonder of
these behaviors is that the more you practice them, the
more interesting and fascinating you will truly find her to
be. And she will think of you as being unusually charming.
CHAPTER 7
Charming
a Man
There are three classes of men—lovers of
wisdom, lovers of honor, lovers of gain.
—PLATO
Men are suckers for charm, like putty in your
hands. From long experience, women are often
suspicious of a man who is trying to be charming, knowing
that he, being a man, may have ulterior motives. Men, on
the other hand, are much more open to being charmed, if
you do it right.
Men get their greatest sense of value and importance
from achievement, status, and the respect of the key people
in their worlds. Men are driven and motivated to bring home
26
Charming a Man
the bacon and provide for themselves and their families. This
is central to their self-image and identity. Some men can
never rest. No matter how much they have accomplished,
they feel insecure; they feel as if they must accomplish more.
Men have what psychologists call “insecurity of status.”
Many of them have a deep-down, unspoken fear that
everything they have accomplished could be taken away
from them at any moment. They must continually achieve
more and more, no matter what they have accomplished in
the past.
The key to charming a man is simple. Ask him questions
and appreciate him for his achievements. Acknowledge
and recognize him for his work and accomplishments. Be
impressed with what he is doing and what he has done. He
will find you fascinating.
Brian on Praising Accomplishments
When my son Michael was about five, he came home one
day from Montessori school with a happy look on his
face. I asked him, “How was school today?”
He beamed at me and replied, “My teacher told me that
she was really proud of me.” He then repeated, as if it
was very important, “She was really proud of me.”
I immediately recognized that the teacher had hit an emotional
chord in Michael that I could strike as well. From
that day forward, I have continually told my children, “I
am really proud of you,” whenever they did anything
worthwhile. Every time I said these words, I saw how it
elevated their self-esteem and sense of personal value.
As a busy professional speaker, I meet thousands of people
each year. Whenever someone tells me about some
The Power of Charm
thing he has accomplished, I say something like, “You
must be very proud of that.” Men, especially, are deeply
affected when people they respect tell them how proud
they are of some achievement. They find it both moving
and charming.
What Men Need
Men are charmed when you appreciate that they are capable
of succeeding and providing.
When a woman smiles at a man, it makes him happy,
reinforcing his self-esteem and making him feel more
secure. Any expression of praise, approval, or admiration
for his accomplishments warms his heart and causes him
to see you as a remarkably perceptive person.
When a woman lavishes attention on a man as he talks
and explains his work and career path, practicing all the
listening skills she has learned in this book, he will find her
absolutely fascinating.
You often see an ordinary-looking woman with a goodlooking,
successful man and say, “I wonder what he sees in
her?”
The answer is, “What she sees in him!” When a woman
looks into a man’s eyes and sees a valuable and important
person, he finds her irresistible. He is absolutely charmed.
Your Tools for Charming Others
Select any man in your life and ask him a simple question
like, “How is everything going at work?” When he
answers, lean forward and pay close attention, as if his
response was absolutely fascinating.
Charming a Man
When he slows down or stops speaking, which he will to
test whether you are really interested, follow up with one
of these questions: “What happened then?” or “What did
you do (say) then?” He will almost immediately begin
speaking again, which gives you more of an opportunity to
listen and appreciate his accomplishments.
CHAPTER 8
Charming from the
Inside Out and from
the Outside In
The fundamental rule of the Age of Celebrity: It doesn’t matter
what you are; it only matters what people think you are.
—LANCE MORROW
Now that you know the basics of charming people,
of affecting them at a deep emotional level, let’s
look at the reasons why charm works so that you can better
practice the techniques in this book to become even
better at getting your own sweet way.
In the theater, there are two core approaches to acting:
30
Charming from the Inside Out and from the Outside In
the American approach, which is referred to as “inside out,”
and the European approach, which is “outside in.” Using
the American method, actors begin the work of creating a
character in a play from a psychological point of view. They
search for personal qualities inside themselves that are similar
to those of the character. Using those similarities, the
actor builds outward, layer upon layer, to create all the attitudes
and behaviors of the person he or she will eventually
portray. (One drawback of this approach: Actors are forced
to spend a great deal of time convincing themselves with no
guarantees they will convince others.)
In the self-improvement arena, there are many insideout
equivalents: We are encouraged to look inside ourselves
for the sources of our behaviors and understand
why we do and say what we do. The belief is that by
changing the way we think on the inside, we will change
the way we act on the outside. Sometimes it works, sometimes
it doesn’t.
The European Approach
When building a character using the European approach,
actors begin by creating the outward behaviors of the characters
they will play. They first imagine the way the characters
would walk, talk, and behave. Then the actor moves
inward, layer by layer, developing the psychological reasons
for the behaviors of the person being played.
This device is also used in the self-improvement arena. By
changing our external behaviors we can influence what others
feel and also what we feel inside. For instance, if you
behave as though you are happy or excited you will probably
convince others that you are happy and excited; but an added
bonus is that you, too, will begin to feel happy or excited.
The Power of Charm
The Power of Charm has been written as an outside-in
book. In it, we deal with how you can change your external
behavior by developing and using certain skills—skills that
give you control of the personal image that you want others
to see. We let your inner dynamics take care of themselves.
Ron on an Unexpected Transformation
An old friend of ours, let’s call her Miriam, came to visit
us to apologize for her outburst at dinner a few nights
before. Her mood swings and eruptions were legendary.
She mentioned that she had been seeing the same psychiatrist
for seven years. “Seven years,” echoed my wife
Nicky. “That’s an awfully long time to stay with any
shrink.”
“Tell me, after all that time, do you think you’ve got your
money’s worth?” I asked, which provoked an icy glare
from my wife.
“Well,” Miriam thought for a moment, “yes and no. I
understand why I behave the way I do, but I still can’t really
control myself. So I’ve been wondering about that,
whether all the time and money has been worth it.”
She seemed quite dejected and defeated as she sat
there.
Nicky said, “Have you ever thought about changing to
another therapist? We know a psychologist who specializes
in behavioral problems. Would you be willing to have
a chat with him, he might be able to help?”
Miriam was quiet for a while then said, “I may as well”—
and she sighed—“I’ve nothing to lose.”
We didn’t hear from or see her for some time. Then one
evening she called. I answered the phone.
