Charming from the Inside Out and from the Outside In
“Hello, Ron, this is Miriam.”
“Miriam, how are you?”
“Coming along fine,” she replied.
“What happened with the psychologist?” I asked. “Did you
ever call him?”
“Yes, I did,” she said, “I’ve been seeing him for a few
weeks now and there’s already quite a difference. What’s
interesting is that he really doesn’t bother too much
about why I do things; he mostly concentrates on how I
can behave differently.”
We saw Miriam at a dinner party a couple of months later
and the change was astonishing. The kind of things that
would have had her pounding the table or going mano a
mano with anyone who contradicted her were now
ignored. She was a pleasure to be with.
When we commented on the change, she told us, “It’s not
only that I can control my behavior no matter what’s
going on inside me, but I don’t get as agitated as I used
to. I’ve learned that changing my behavior reduces my
agitation.”
Concentrate on Behavior
Miriam’s story is a confirmation of the difference between
“inside out” and “outside in” as it applied to everyday
life. It’s a fact: Knowing why you’re doing things does not
automatically mean that you know how to change them. If
you really want change, worry less about the why and
concentrate more on the how. It is often easier and faster
for us to change from the outside than to change from the
inside.
The Power of Charm
Behavior Is Everything
To go back to the example at the beginning of Chapter 1, do
you think that Bill Clinton was genuinely interested in
Mark Sanborn, or was his warmth, his utter “in the
moment” focus, a cultivated behavior? And does it really
matter? Regardless of what’s going on in your head, what
you are ultimately judged by is your behavior. If you behave
as though you hate, then you hate; if you behave as though
you love, then you love; if you behave as though you care,
you care.
People will react based on how they perceive us to
behave, no matter what our inner agendas may be.
Your Tools for Charming Others
Don’t worry so much about changing the way you think
and feel inside, because it may take a long time to show
any improvement or results. Instead, concentrate on
behaving exactly as if you were already a charming person.
Create a mental image of yourself as absolutely charming
on the inside, and then act accordingly on the outside.
Select someone you feel is already charming and think
about how that person treats others in conversation. Try
to do the same things that person does when you talk to
others.
CHAPTER 9
The Power of
Attention
Our companions please us less from the charms we find in their
conversation than from those they find in ours.
—FULKE GREVILLE
Here is a scenario that I’m sure is familiar to most
everyone, particularly at the breakfast or dinner
table. It sounds something like this:
She: “You aren’t listening to me!”
He: “Yes I am!”
She: “No you’re not!”
He: “I tell you I am!”
She: “I’m telling you you’re not!”
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The Power of Charm
He: “I am. I can repeat every damn word you said!”
She: “I don’t give a damn if you can. You aren’t listening
to me!
What she is really telling him is that even if he has 100
percent recall, he is failing to convince her that he is giving
her his undivided attention.
Undivided Attention
Charm requires undivided attention—especially when listening.
Unless you’re at a lecture, remembering what
someone says is only a part of listening. If your attitude
seems to be saying, “I don’t care enough to bother to react
to you”—if nothing in your behavior confirms you are listening—
you are being a lousy listener. If there aren’t any
signals coming from you that say you’re paying attention
… you aren’t listening!
Good relationships, whether social or professional, are
built on many qualities, but nothing is as important as
being perceived as being an empathetic listener. The better
listener you are, the more valuable you are in any relationship.
But how do we know if somebody is listening with
complete attention?
You do what great listeners do—you signal that you are
listening. Your behavior and body language should say, “I
am totally focused on what you are saying; every word you
utter is of extreme importance to me.”
Those who send this signal are termed “attentive listeners.”
Those who don’t are called “inattentive listeners.”
The Power of Attention
Give Acknowledgments and Assurances
We refer to these signals as “acknowledgments and reassurances.”
Attentive listeners use them to acknowledge the
other person’s presence and reassure them they are totally
involved in the act of listening. Attentive listeners project
that “in the moment” focus that makes people feel special
and important. The more of these signals you practice, the
more charming you will appear.
Your Tools for Charming Others
The next time you are conversing with someone, make a
special effort to acknowledge and reassure that person that
you are fully engaged in the conversation and involved in
what he is saying. Face the person directly and concentrate
on his words. Act as if this is the last time you will ever see
him. Learn how to signal to the person that you are paying
attention.
CHAPTER 10
The First Signal:
Eye Contact
An ounce of dialogue is worth a pound of monologue.
—ANONYMOUS
How do you know when someone is listening to
you? The first important signal is eye contact, pure
and simple. If someone is not looking at you, that person is
not listening to you.
How many times have you thought, or perhaps said,
particularly to your children, “Will you look at me when I’m
talking to you!” Do you know how irritating it is when people
don’t look at you when you are talking to them, and
how much more comfortable you feel when they do?
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The First Signal: Eye Contact
Brian’s Recommended Experiment
Here is a little experiment you can do to illustrate how
important eye contact is in communicating with another
person. Start off by looking straight at the person to
whom you are talking, or who is talking to you. Then
slowly allow your gaze to drift away into the distance, no
longer looking at the person who is talking.
The reaction will be almost immediate, as if you just
pulled the verbal carpet out from under him. He will stop
talking in the middle of a sentence as soon as you stop
looking at him. It happens every time.
Ron on the Perils of Losing Eye Contact
In my early acting days, as part of my training I had a
fencing instructor—Stanley Coghan. He was a fine
teacher and a modest, rather quiet man. But when he put
on his teaching hat he was a terror. Woe betide you if you
allowed your eyes to stray when he was correcting or
demonstrating a parry or thrust. With fingers seemingly
attached to wire hawsers in his bulging forearm, he
would abruptly take your jaw in his grasp. And while the
bones in your jaw seemed to be cracking under the pressure,
he would slowly turn your head toward him and
gently say, “Look at me when I’m speaking to you—
please!” I promise you, after a couple of those reminders,
I always did.
Look Directly at the Speaker
Make direct eye contact. That’s the basic way people will
know if you’re listening. The more eye contact you give,
the more involved you seem.
The Power of Charm
How much eye contact is right? When you are listening,
there is no such thing as too much: Ideally, it should be a
hundred percent. If you look away too often or for too long,
you will almost certainly trigger negative reactions in the
other person, who will begin to think, “I’m boring, he doesn’t
like me,” or “She’s not interested in what I have to say.”
Not one positive thought is created by poor eye contact.
For you to be perceived as charming, you must practice
excellent eye contact when you are listening.
Your Tools for Charming Others
In your next conversation, practice staying “in the
moment.” When you want to be charming, you must “be
there.” Whether you spend a minute or an hour with the
other person, discipline yourself to remain totally focused
on the now. You can’t be charming if you’re not there.
Resolve to develop the habit of using direct eye contact
when you are listening. Select a social or business occasion
when people are speaking to you. As they are speaking,
make sure that your eyes are looking into their eyes, not
the bridges of their noses, their foreheads, or beyond their
left ears. Focus your attention. Try not to allow any distractions.
Don’t be tempted to scout the room looking for
more important or desirable company. Don’t eye the bar or
food table. Allow your eyes and your attention to belong to
them until they finish speaking.
Practice the technique of focused eye contact at home with
your family as well. Once you find yourself paying close
attention to others naturally and easily, you may then
move from good eye contact to superior eye contact—
always a “must” for the skilled charmer. This brings us to
Chapter 11 on “the flick.”
CHAPTER 11
The Second Signal:
The Flick
The reason why we have two ears and only one mouth is that
we may listen the more and talk the less.
—ZENO OF ATHENS, 350 B.C.
When you are listening, superior eye contact
requires an additional skill that increases the
naturalness of your eye contact. It also helps to avoid the
possibility of intimidation that intense eye contact can produce.
Additionally, it suggests the depth of your involvement
with the person and in what she or he is saying. It is
called “the flick.”
What is the flick? Flicking is the simple act of shifting
41
The Power of Charm
your gaze from one of the person’s eyes to the other while
you are listening. If you want to see the flick in action, the
next time you’re watching television and there’s a love
scene where the young girl is looking into the young man’s
eyes, turn down the sound. As she gazes into his eyes,
watch how her eyes flick from his one eye to the other. He
will do the same. She will even create a triangle of flicks
between his eyes and lips, making her eye contact very
intimate and very sensual. Their eye movement mutually
tells them how much their minds and feelings are actively
engaged with each other.
Genuine Listening versus Phony Listening
You have probably experienced the reverse of this total
engagement. Someone has been looking at you and very
possibly making a hundred percent eye contact, but you
knew “the lights were on but there was no one home.” The
other person was engaging in phony listening. He wasn’t
listening to you. His eyes had that glazed, vacant look,
which immediately confirmed your worst suspicion—he
wasn’t really interested in you or what you had to say.
What caused that vacant look? It’s the lack of eye activity.
The person’s eyes seemed to be locked in one place—
just staring at you. And the longer he just sat there, the
more uncomfortable and even angry you felt.
Move Your Eyes
If you want people to see that you are listening, your eyes
must move. Just like you saw on TV, the more eye activity
there is, the more you will appear to be involved. The less
The Second Signal: The Flick
eye activity, the less you will appear involved, and where
there is no eye activity, there will seem to be no involvement
at all.
A perfect example of “no activity, no involvement” was
the presidential candidate and political gadfly, Ross Perot.
Whenever you saw him on TV, either when he was speaking
or listening, he rarely moved his eyes: He never
seemed to blink. He just stared. This glaring absence of eye
activity indicated he wasn’t considering any other opinions;
he wasn’t weighing the value or merit of what was
being said: His mind was made up. He was interested only
in what he was going to say next.
Your Tools for Charming Others
Once you have mastered the art of prolonged eye contact,
begin at home to practice and learn the technique of flicking.
The next time you’re listening to someone, concentrate
on shifting your eyes back and forth between their eyes
every now and then. Don’t overdo it. You don’t want to
appear as though you’ve developed a tic! After some practice,
you will quickly find you don’t have to try to flick—it
will just happen by itself.
If you are concerned about how often you should flick, just
watch someone who is a really good, attentive listener.
Observe people when they are engaged in two-way conversations
at work, at social engagements, or even on TV.
The way they use their eyes will give you a good sense of
what is appropriate.
Eye flicks are one of the best signals that tell a speaker that
she has captured your interest. Now let us look at another
way to express charm.
CHAPTER 12
The Third Signal:
Head Tilts
Self confidence adds more to conversation than wit.
—LA ROCHEFOUCAULD
The motions you make with your body and head exert
an inordinate influence on other people.
Even Dogs Know This Trick
If you have a dog, you probably sometimes feel that he is
listening to you and that he understands you. That is why
they say that a dog is man’s best friend. There is a valuable
lesson to be learned from your dog.
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The Third Signal: Head Tilts
Ron on How to Look Inquisitive
Many years ago, unbeknown to me, my wife Nicky
brought home a young puppy. She hadn’t meant to ignore
me in making this decision on her own, but had fallen in
love with the dog. When I arrived home that evening,
bingo, there she was, a very cute, very spotted
