Dalmatian puppy. Cute! I knelt down to say hello just at
the moment she jumped up to say hello. There was an
immediate and painful collision between her muzzle and
my muzzle. The result: a broken lip—my lip. But regardless
of our first meeting, as the days, weeks, and months
went by, Pepper became the love of both our lives.
We often talked to her as though she could understand.
And when we spoke, Pepper would always tilt her head
this way and that. She looked for all the world as though
she could understand our every word. Now, common
sense tells us that that is impossible, but she sure looked
as though she knew what we were saying!
If you do the same and occasionally tilt your head slightly
to one side as you listen to someone tell you something,
it will give you a more intense, inquiring look. It’s
as though you are screwing your focus more tightly on
the speaker. If you use this technique when the speaker
is talking about something she thinks is significant, you
will look very attentive and involved. She will find this little
gesture of yours very charming.
Your Tools for Charming Others
The next time someone is talking to you, especially when it
is about something that is important to her, try a small tilt
of your head to either side. You might even practice in
The Power of Charm
front of a mirror before you try it on a person, just to see
how it looks.
Here’s another rule: Tilt your head to listen, straighten up
to speak.
Then practice combining all three of the methods you’ve
learned thus far: Use direct eye contact with each person in
every conversation, flick your gaze from eye to eye, and tilt
your head to the left or right when someone is speaking to
you.
They are all part of the system of signals that great listeners
use to say, “I am totally focused on what you’re saying.”
They are small but very powerful indicators of the depth of
your listening and the degree of your involvement in a
conversation.
CHAPTER 13
The Fourth Signal:
Head Nods
That is the happiest conversation where there is no competition,
no vanity, but a calm quiet interchange of sentiments.
—SAMUEL JOHNSON
Head nodding is another powerful technique in listening
and appearing charming to others. Some
people tend to nod instinctively; some don’t nod very
much at all. If you watch the reactions of people when they
are listening, you will see how valuable head nods can be.
When they are absent, the listener’s charm and energy are
dramatically diminished.
47
The Power of Charm
Ron on Adding “Noddies” to Your Listening
Technique
A television reporter once interviewed me in my home.
She arrived with a cameraman in tow who took over my
office to set his lighting. In the meantime we chatted, and
she gave me a sense of what questions she might ask.
Then the interview began.
As we talked, I realized that the cameraman was keeping
the camera focused only on me and never once on her. I
thought, “If this continues, I’ll end up being a talking
head. It’ll be all me and just her voice in the background.”
That idea didn’t please me at all.
When we finished, she proceeded to get the cameraman
to film her doing a variety of reactions. I watched curiously
and then I asked, “Why did you record your reactions
separately?” She replied, “I wanted to do the interview
in your office and I couldn’t get two cameras, one to
be on you and one on me. Now I can add them to the
original tape when I’m editing.”
I must have looked puzzled, so she continued, “If I can’t
get both of our reactions, I have no choice but to record
them separately.” She smiled and said, “We call them
‘noddies.’”
I said, “Noddies? But won’t they come across as phony?”
She laughed and said, “No, not if they’re done well. I can
promise you, the viewers won’t be bothered by them in
the slightest.”
Confession: I saw the interview myself and I must say I
was surprised at how authentic her “noddies” looked.
The Fourth Signal: Head Nods
Three Ways to Nod
Head nods are strong indicators of how intensely you are
listening and what you are thinking and feeling. There are
actually three different kinds of head nods—the slow, the
faster, and the very fast. Each has its own special meaning
and usefulness. Most people will recognize them.
First, there is the very slow head nod, which means,
“I’m following you; I’m thinking about it.” The slow head nod
does not necessarily mean that you agree.
Second, there is the slightly faster head nod, which
says, “You’re right, I agree.”
Third, there is the much faster head nod, which says, “I
agree and I’m excited by what I’m hearing.”
Try them out on your friends and see the results.
Your Tools for Charming Others
Nodding signals to other people that you are warm, friendly,
and paying attention. It’s an important element of
charm. Develop the habit of nodding and acknowledging
other people when they are speaking. When you forget to
nod and just listen without moving, it can be disconcerting
to most speakers.
CHAPTER 14
The Fifth Signal:
Whole Body
Language
In a conversation, keep in mind that you’re more interested
in what you have to say than anyone else is.
—ANDREW S. ROONE
When you are seated, how you position your body
and the way you sit signals the degree of interest
you have in a person speaking and what the person is
saying. When you lean toward someone, it is as though
you are saying with your body, “I find you fascinating; you
are drawing me toward you with a magnetic force.” Leaning
away may suggest, “I’m bored, I can think of a dozen things I’d
rather be doing than talking to you.”
50
The Fifth Signal: Whole Body Language
Everything Counts
As a rule of thumb, try to keep your whole body turned
toward the other person. If you cross your legs, do so with
your top leg and knee pointing toward the person. Make
sure your arms are unfolded and use your hands for
emphasis when you speak. In these ways, you create a
clear picture of openness and receptivity.
When you’re standing, it’s important to monitor the
distance between you and the other person. To decide how
much space is appropriate, check your own reactions when
people get too close or too far from you. Then apply what
you’ve learned in positioning yourself with others. If a person
tends to inch closer to you, then you were too far away;
if the person tends to ease away from you, then you are
invading his or her comfort circle.
The Circles of Communication
Imagine three concentric circles, with you as the center
point. The first circle is about two feet from you to the
other person. This is the personal or intimate space,
reserved for romantic partners and family members. If you
invade this space as a business or social acquaintance, you
will make the other person distinctly uncomfortable.
You’re reaction is likely to be that the person is trying to
intimidate you by getting “in your face.”
The second circle is two to six feet away from you and
is the space appropriate for social or business acquaintances.
When you want to be charming, be sure to stand, sit, and
talk within this distance, no closer and no farther away.
The third circle is from eight or ten feet outward. This
is the circle of protected distance or safety, used between
The Power of Charm
yourself and strangers. Any sudden movement by someone
you don’t know from this space into your social space,
closer than eight feet, will cause you to become alert and
aware.
Ron on Establishing a Comfort Zone
Wild animals are especially careful about keeping their
comfort circles intact. When my wife and I visited
Namibia, one of the special places to go to was Cape
Cross on the Skeleton Coast. We were told that at any
given time there are between 250,000 and 350,000
seals basking on the beaches or swimming in the sea.
With the beaches literally carpeted with seals as far as you
could see (ignoring the overwhelming stench), it was a fascinating
experience to walk among them. As we moved
toward them, they moved away. We stopped; they
stopped. We moved a couple of paces; they moved a couple
of paces. They had a “comfort zone” that had to be
observed. The same is true for people: Too close and we
intrude, even threaten. Too far and we destroy intimacy.
Speak with Your Body
Whether you are standing or sitting, when you deliberately
want to say with your body, “I think what you are saying is
mesmerizing,” lean in or move slightly closer, but make sure
you don’t intrude into the comfort circle.
In one very funny episode of Seinfeld, Jerry refers to
Elaine’s latest date as a “close talker.” When he talks to
anyone, he stands so close that the other person literally
bends backward trying to avoid his face being in their face.
This kind of person is trying too hard and comes off as
aggressive and insensitive.
The Fifth Signal: Whole Body Language
Your Tools for Charming Others
The next time you’re speaking with someone, turn your
whole body toward him or her and give the person your
complete attention.
If you are sitting, lean toward the person as if you are
hanging on every word. Watch the mouth and eyes, gently
“flicking” or shifting your gaze from one eye to the other
while you are listening. Try leaning slightly forward rather
than sitting upright or leaning backward. If you cross your
legs, do so with your top leg and knee pointing toward the
other person.
When you are standing, make sure you are maintaining a
comfortable distance between you and the other person.
Face the person directly, stand two to four feet away, and
shift your weight slightly forward onto the balls of your
feet. This movement will be imperceptible to the other person,
but he will feel that you are fully engaged with what
he is saying. Remind yourself by saying to yourself,
“Energy forward!”
Always keep your whole body turned toward the person
speaking.
Unfold your arms and use your hands in animated fashion
when you speak.
If people are saying something that is important or significant,
lean a little farther in. If they say something amusing,
relax by sitting or leaning back a little. Then move back in
when you want to create more intensity.
All of these signals suggest that you are fascinated by what
the people you are talking to are saying. These techniques
will make them feel wonderful and they will love you
for it.
CHAPTER 15
The Sixth Signal:
Body Language to
Avoid
Friendship is a strong and habitual inclination in two persons
to promote the good and happiness of one another.
—EUSTACE BUDGELL
Just as positive body language dramatically increases
your “charm quotient,” there are certain body positions
that affect people in a negative way. Many poor listeners
are guilty of them. You may inadvertently be using these
undesirable positions yourself. If so, you will want to
avoid these charm-busters in the future.
54
The Sixth Signal: Body Language to Avoid
Poor listeners make the mistake of turning their heads
toward a person when they are speaking, but allowing
their body to be inclined away from the speaker. This suggests
that you don’t really care about what the person is
saying, but you’re pretending that you do.
Poor listeners sit with their legs crossed so that their
top leg and knee points away from the speaker, thereby
appearing to close themselves off to the message.
Another negative message that destroys any chance of
your being charming is when you slump in your chair, as if
you want to ooze through the back and get away from the
speaker. One of the best ways to counter this negative tendency
is to sit up straight and not allow your back to touch
the back of the chair.
Often people make the mistake of folding their arms
when they are listening. The speaker views this posture as
a way of blocking out what she is saying. You can avoid
this by making sure that your arms are unfolded and your
hands are open, to signal honesty, sincerity, and genuine
interest.
Observe the behavior of others. When you see one or
more of these negative signals, the listener is telling you at
an unconscious level that he is either not interested in what
you are saying, or he is completely opposed to it. In personal
relationships, especially at home, these contrary signals
may indicate that the other person is agitated about
something else and cannot pay attention to you until that
issue is resolved.
Dr. Albert Mehrabian of UCLA conducted a seminal
study of communication some years ago and concluded
that, in face-to-face conversation, your body language conveys
55 percent of the message you are sending. Your tone
of voice conveys another 38 percent of the message, and
The Power of Charm
the words themselves are responsible for only 7 percent. It
is amazing how quickly others read your body language
and draw conclusions about you, even if they are incorrect.
That’s why you must always be conscious of what you are
saying by the way you position your body in conversation.
It turns out that women are vastly more sensitive to
body language than are men. Research shows that a
woman can join a social gathering of fifty couples and
assess the state of each of their relationships within about
ten minutes of entering the room. A man could spend
hours in the same room and have no idea what was happening
in the relationships of the other couples.
Ron on Controlling What Your Body Says to Others
I once worked as an image coach with an attorney named
Bruce who had been sent to me by his own attorney. It
