was a high-dollar lawsuit in which Bruce alleged that his
new employers had fraudulently misrepresented themselves.
He was to be deposed on video by a notably
aggressive defense attorney. To check out how he would
do on video, his attorney did some role-playing with him
and questioned him as though he was actually being
deposed. He recorded the result and then played it back.
One look and he called me in.
I decided to make my own video. For that purpose, his
attorney had supplied me with a list of questions that
Bruce might face during questioning. When he arrived, I
sat him down and set up my video camera. Then I roleplayed
being the opposing counsel and cross-examined
him. Without comment, I just ran through some of the
questions to see how he might come across to the jury.
The Sixth Signal: Body Language to Avoid
Then I played back the results for him to see. It was a
real shock to him.
Bruce was a big, overweight man dressed in expensive
but now tight-fitting clothes. There he was on the video
monitor, slumped back in his chair, with his straining
belly almost popping the buttons off his shirt. He rarely
changed his position in any way—he just slumped. Even
as we talked he stayed slumped back away from the
camera.
I played back my recording and said to him, “Let’s be
objective; if you were a member of the jury who didn’t
know this man, how would he come across to you?”
He was far from being a stupid man and tried to be truthful
about his personal evaluation. “He looks a little overweight
and perhaps a little too sure of himself. I don’t
think he would make a good impression.”
He watched another minute or two of the video and said,
“In fact, he would probably make a rather poor impression.”
He turned and looked at me and said, “If you were a
member of the jury how would he come across to you?”
Without hesitating I said, “Fat-cat lawyer, makes a lot of
money, smug, arrogant, doesn’t give a damn. They’re all
alike—I’ll show him!”
The point is that Bruce wasn’t necessarily any of those
things, but his body language and total demeanor created
that impression. And that’s how he would be judged.
Something needed to be done.
We worked hard on delivery techniques. He lost a little
weight (which enabled him to avoid straining his buttoned
The Power of Charm
jacket), sat upright, softened his voice, and even leaned
forward now and then as though he was eager to answer
their questions. I was delighted to see him change from
“The Fat Cat” to “The Gentle Giant.” He won his case.
Sometimes people fold their arms or slump, simply
because it’s comfortable to do so. I know I do. When
you’re with people you should always be aware of signals
that may create a negative impression and immediately
change them. When you need to connect, when you want
to be charming and persuasive, you must be in control of
what your body is saying to make sure you are sending
out all the right signals.
Your Tools for Charming Others
Be aware of your body language at home and at work.
Consciously decide to send a positive message of warmth,
concern, and involvement with the way you sit and stand.
Observe the body language of others to see what kind of
messages they are sending. Turn down the volume on your
television and try to ascertain what the different actors are
thinking or saying.
CHAPTER 16
The Seventh Signal:
Vocal Reassurances
Friendship redoubleth joys and cutteth griefs in halves.
For there is no man that imparteth his joys to his friend,
but he joyeth the more; and no man that imparteth
his griefs to his friend, but he grieveth the less.
—FRANCIS BACON
You will notice that good, active listeners always
make little noises like “Uh-huh,” “Aah,”
“Mmhmm,” or other assorted sounds. These are what we
like to call “vocal reassurances.” They are clear indicators
of someone who is paying close attention. They are easily
identified and much appreciated by the speaker. They
increase your charm quotient.
59
The Power of Charm
Your Tools for Charming Others
Make reassuring sounds each time you listen to another
person. Allow your instincts to guide you as to when to use
them.
Combine your vocal reassurances with good eye contact
and head nodding. Together, these signals tell a speaker
that you are paying attention and thinking about what she
is saying. If the other person starts to become more intense
or excited, make your vocal reassurances a little louder to
reflect the degree of your interest.
CHAPTER 17
The Eighth Signal:
Verbal Reassurances
A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere.
Before him, I may think aloud.
—RALPH WALDO EMERSON
Vocal reassurances are essential to charm. But if you
combine them with verbal reassurances, you double
their impact. Eye contact, flicks, body inclines, and head
nods and tilts together make a great impression on people—
but once you add the power of vocal and verbal commentary,
you become a totally charming conversationalist.
The first type of verbal reassurance consists of noncommittal
words and phrases. They are defined as noncommit
61
The Power of Charm
tal because they don’t necessarily mean that you agree
with what is being said. Words and phrases such as “I see,”
“Really?” or “Well, is that so,” reassure people that you are
listening and keeping in step with them, but you remain
neutral. Noncommittal words or phrases are used as polite
reassurances in general or casual conversation. They fill
the air during small talk at cocktail parties and other social
events.
When you are prepared to commit yourself and want to
agree or support what is being said, you then use words
and phrases such as “Yes, without question,” or “I agree,
absolutely,” or “You hit the nail right on the head,” and the like.
At this time you become an ally in the conversation—you
have taken sides. Before you offer such comments that convey
agreement, always be sure this is what you want to do.
When processing a person’s words, tone of voice also
has impact. Have you ever said something to make someone
else angry then declared your innocence by saying,
“But I only said such and such.” Usually the other person
responds immediately by saying, “It’s not what you said;
it’s your tone of voice.”
Your Tools for Charming Others
Introduce vocal and verbal acknowledgments into your
everyday conversations, especially when you’re on the
phone. Use vocal reassurances, or basic sounds, when you
don’t want to sound too involved or want to remain neutral
on a subject. Include more verbals, those specific
words of agreement, when you want to show you agree
with and support the speaker.
CHAPTER 18
Practice Being
Charming with
Friends
Treat your friends as you do your pictures,
and place them in their best light.
—JENNIE CHURCHILL
You’ve heard it said that “practice makes perfect.”
The truth is that imperfect practice makes perfect.
You must be willing to make a few mistakes, and feel a bit
awkward at times, if you are going to master any skill,
especially the skill of charm. The rule is that anything worth
doing well is worth doing poorly at first.
To develop your charm quotient by bringing all your
63
The Power of Charm
communication skills together, you should ask a friend to
help you. Think of this person as your sparring partner,
with whom you can make mistakes before you get into the
actual ring of social and business communication. This
type of practice can benefit both of you.
Begin by explaining what you are trying to do. Explain
to your friend the importance of the various elements of
listening in becoming a charming conversationalist.
During this exercise, your friend should be seated in
front of you, as though you are having a cup of coffee
together. You are going to try to react to your friend’s conversation
without talking back—just by listening. Then
you’ll be asking your partner for feedback on how much
you seemed to be involved. Ask your friend to avoid asking
questions but rather to talk to you at length, about anything
that comes to mind, rather like delivering a monologue.
Also point out, at the very start, that you are serious
about learning these listening skills and it would help you
a lot if there were no kidding around, no distractions, when
practicing this exercise. Here’s why.
Ron on Taking Listening Skills Seriously
Several years ago my wife studied to become a
Sangoma in KwaZulu-Natal in South Africa. That’s the
Zulu equivalent of a shaman. Her training was long and
arduous and took place over three years. Because we
lived in San Diego for six months each year, she was
given permission to divide her training into three-month
sessions. The sole condition was that I would help her
continue her training when she was absent from Africa.
The exercise that we used to train her was similar to
Practice Being Charming with Friends
“Twenty Questions,” though much more serious. It was
designed to teach her to trust her senses and intuition so
that she could “see” with her mind’s eye.
The similarity to the parlor game nonetheless struck
some weird part of my funny bone. I began by asking, “Is
it bigger than a bread box?” Nicky laughed and said,
“That’s funny, but please stop horsing around.”
Taking no heed I then said, “Is it smaller than a breadbox?”
I should have known better. I have never experienced
a room where the temperature dropped so radically
and rapidly. Talk about being frosted. But I learned
this lesson: If you agree to help another person practice
something remember that if it’s serious for one, it should
be serious for both of you.
Your Tools for Charming Others
With a friend, practice eye contact, eye flicks, head tilts,
body inclines, head nods, and vocal and verbal reassurances.
Try them one at a time, in stages (e.g., first, eye contact,
flicks, and head nods and tilts; second, vocal and verbal
reassurances; third, body inclines).
You may have to arrange a few practice sessions to run
through each technique thoroughly, but once you feel
you’ve got the hang of them individually, you can put
them all together.
After three or four minutes, stop and ask your helper questions
such as:
Did I appear to be really listening?
Did I seem to be “in the moment”?
Did you feel as though I cared about what you were
talking about?
The Power of Charm
Did I seem totally involved with you?
If the response is less than enthusiastic, try again until you
get the hang of it. Eventually you will hone your ability to
be an attentive listener and you’ll have it for life. You will
be able to make each person you meet feel good about him
or herself, and feeling good is what charm is all about.
CHAPTER 19
Be Careful
with Advice
The propensity to give advice is universal. But don’t worry;
the propensity to ignore it is also universal.
—BRIAN TRACY
In Chapter 18 you practiced an exercise where you had
to react to a friend’s conversation without talking
back—just by listening. Now let’s bring home another
point about how to practice attentive listening.
67
The Power of Charm
Ron on Being a Patient Listener
Many years ago, my wife and I were at home having dinner.
She obviously had faced a pretty heavy day at the
office and was uptight about the day’s events. She began
to tell me about the ins-and-outs of a problem she was
having with a member of her staff. She began quite calmly
but soon developed a high head of steam. As she
spoke, her anger seemed to feed on itself and she
became more and more incensed.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t really watching or listening to her.
My brain was busy with the answer to her problem that
had just popped into my head and, unfortunately, straight
out of my mouth. “Look, if you had given her the opportunity
to correct her mistake, maybe…”
She interrupted me, “What are you talking about? Are you
saying it was my fault?”
“Well, no, I was only …” That was as far as I got.
“Who asked you?” she yelled. “Who asked you? All I wanted
you to do was to listen and nod your head a couple of
times.”
“But I only wanted to help.”
“You can help by keeping your opinions to yourself and
listening,” she said. “I don’t want any advice when I’m so
angry. Nobody wants advice when they’re that angry!”
She was right—nobody does!
The moral of this story is that no matter how good you
think you’ve become in displaying charming behavior,
being a patient
listener is the glue that holds all your skills
Be Careful with Advice
together. Your attentive silence at the appropriate time
demonstrates your interest, patience, and caring.
Your Tools for Charming Others
The next time someone comes to you with a problem or
difficult choice, turn it around and ask, “What do you
think you should do?” And then listen patiently without
interrupting.
If a woman asks a man for his opinion about what to wear,
she has usually made up her own mind already and is just
seeking confirmation. You have a 50 percent chance of
being wrong.
Instead, you ask her, “Which outfit do you think looks the
best?” Whatever her answer, you agree and say, “That’s the
one I was going to choose.” You’ll sound like a genius, and
charming as well.
CHAPTER 20
The Power of
Patient Listening
People are always willing to follow advice
when it accords with their own wishes.
—LADY BLESSINGTON
Before you stop listening and start speaking, always
take the time to consider what’s going on with the
