person or people you’re speaking with—that is, their emotional
level. No matter how many ideas or insights may
occur to you, if the other person is excited or angry or
unhappy, it’s still
listening time for you.
Be patient. Give them a chance to let off steam. When
they are ready, they’ll ask for your opinion and, if they’re
looking for answers, they’ll ask questions. Sometimes a
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The Power of Patient Listening
person’s emotions and the listener’s logic are like oil and
water—very difficult to mix.
Your Tools for Charming Others
Whenever you are “attentively listening” and the person
speaking seems to be very emotional, listen with added
patience before you say anything. Let the person talk and
get all of his or her anger or emotion out before you
attempt to jump in and offer any suggestions.
Most important, be careful about giving advice unless
someone asks for it. Your sympathetic listening will be
much appreciated.
CHAPTER 21
Be Quick to Smile
and Laugh
Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
—MARK TWAIN
There’s no question that smiling and laughing are
clear indicators of how much you are enjoying being
with someone. When the occasion and the subject allow it,
always be quick to smile and laugh.
A genuine smile involves the muscles that surround
your mouth and your eyes. When you smile, make sure
you get all of your face to smile. Let it go right up to your
eyes.
Now I don’t mean grinning like the Cheshire Cat at
everything that’s being said, or laughing at every mediocre
quip or joke. Overdoing it could raise suspicions that
you’re being phony or too openly trying to curry favor.
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Be Quick to Smile and Laugh
Remember also that smiles that appear genuine don’t
“switch off” abruptly. Real smiles seem to linger for a
moment or two. A smile that doesn’t linger really isn’t a
smile.
There are very good psychological reasons to allow
yourself to smile and laugh easily and naturally. Here is an
illustration.
Ron on How Humor Is Contagious
In my early days as a theater director, the very first comedy
I directed was Come Blow Your Horn by Neil Simon.
It was a grand Broadway hit loaded with funny lines and
a delightfully entertaining cast of characters in amusing
situations.
When the cast and I got together to read through the play
for the first time, we all slapped our thighs, held our ribs,
cackled, howled, and generally reveled over Neil Simon’s
wizardry. During rehearsals and as the days went by, we
all laughed less and less.
A few days before opening night we completed a runthrough
of the performance. It went smoothly and was
word perfect, but it was flat. Nobody in the cast, including
me, chuckled, tittered, or even cracked a smile. It was
like we were doing Ibsen rather than Simon. I sat there
wondering what had been so funny in the first place.
Opening night there was a full house of dignitaries, critics,
and well-turned-out theatergoers. I sat in my usual
place in the back row on the aisle (so I could leave in a
hurry if the audience turned ugly—just kidding) and have
never been so anxious. The lights dimmed, the curtain
went up, and the play began. Within minutes, the audience
began to laugh and laugh and laugh, and what was
most interesting—I was laughing, too! How come? It was
The Power of Charm
the same stuff that I’d heard during three weeks of
rehearsal and that I’d quit finding funny, and yet here I
was laughing again—why?
The answer was infection. Smiling and laughing is very
infectious. I laughed because they laughed, which refreshed
my memory of what I had found so funny before.
I went many times to see that production, my first successful
attempt at directing comedy, and I laughed
almost as much at every performance I saw.
There’s a lesson here for everyone. When you charm,
you are being the audience for other people and the infection
rule is just as true. When you smile and laugh, others
will be inclined to smile and laugh right back at you.
A caveat: Watch out for people who smile with only one
side of their mouth turned up. One should be cautious
about lopsided smiles—they could be halfhearted or less
than honest.
Your Tools for Charming Others
The next time you are in a conversation, wait for the right
time to show a smile as the conversation dictates. If the
conversation and speaker are serious, you look serious. If
the talk is about light, amusing things, encourage yourself
to smile.
You don’t necessarily have to agree
with what is being said;
you simply have to match the other person’s mood. If she
is being enthusiastic and you want to charm, allow yourself
to smile with her enthusiasm.
CHAPTER 22
Be Quick
to Praise
Praise, like gold and diamonds,
owes its value only to its scarcity.
—SAMUEL JOHNSON
We all enjoy recognition, especially if we have
accomplished something we think is worthwhile.
When people you are with talk about things they are
evidently proud of, there is a simple way to intensify their
pleasure.
Be quick to praise their wisdom, generosity, thoughtfulness,
quickness, cleverness, or whatever is appropriate.
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The Power of Charm
You can be sure they will regard your praise as another
indication of your charm.
Appreciation and praise are vitally important to all of
us. It is the fuel in the furnace of motivation. Without
recognition and praise, many of us would perform well
below our potential. Research indicates that many employees
respond more positively to praise than to a raise.
Remember when you have seen your child, spouse, a
friend, or coworker light up with pleasure because you
praised or admired or showed appreciation toward them?
Remember how it feels when it happens to you?
Ron on a Critic’s Reviews
I can remember as clearly as if it were yesterday my very
first major theater review in the newspaper. I was directing
a play by Maxim Gorky called The Lower Depths, and
it was my first professional production. Depths is a great
classical work but a great challenge to cut your teeth on
as a director. Naturally I was flattered at being given the
opportunity and frightened by the immense responsibility.
Early the next morning after opening night, I raced out to
get the newspapers. I sat in my car for what seemed like
an hour before working up the nerve to open them and
see if it was thumbs-up or thumbs-down. Then I took the
plunge.
I opened the newspaper and with shaking fingers, turned
to the theater page. And there it was, the headline:
“Great Play Gorky, Great Production Arden.” My stomach
contracted with pleasure. Then I read what the critic had
to say. He saw my faults as well as my virtues and for
him, the virtues obviously had outweighed the faults.
Be Quick to Praise
I was at the beginning of my career as a director and his
carefully weighed praise contributed considerably to my
motivation, momentum, and pleasure. That’s what praise
can do, and people rarely get enough of it.
Yours Tool for Charming Others
One of the best definitions of self-esteem is how much a
person considers herself or himself to be praiseworthy. The
more you genuinely praise people’s behavior, the more
they like and respect themselves, and the better they feel
toward you. To be most effective in giving praise, you
should follow these guidelines.
First, be specific. The more specific the praise, the greater
impact it has on the person’s feelings, and the more likely
it is to motivate the person to perform even better in that
area in the future. Instead of saying, “You’re a great secretary,”
you should say, “You did a wonderful job on that
proposal and getting it out so quickly yesterday.”
Second, praise immediately. The faster you praise people
after they have done something praiseworthy, the better
they feel and the more likely they are to repeat the action.
Third, praise for both large and small accomplishments. As
Ken Blanchard says in The One Minute Manager, “catch
them doing something right.”
Praising others for their accomplishments is something
most of us do not do often enough. You must be the exception
to the rule. Praise makes people feel wonderful about
themselves and is a key element of charm.
CHAPTER 23
Use the “Act as If”
Principle
The best way to create a feeling, if you have it not,
is to act on every occasion where that feeling is desirable
as if you had it already, and you soon will have.
—ARISTOTLE
In 1905, William James of Harvard University, the father
of American psychology, made a remarkable observation.
He said that the best way to experience an emotion, if
you don’t actually feel it, is to pretend as if you already feel
it until it becomes a reality.
The repeated actions of enthusiasm soon generate the
real feelings of enthusiasm. If you behave as though you
are happy or excited, you will soon begin to feel happy or
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Use the “Act as If” Principle
excited. Your outward behavior will create the corresponding
inner feeling.
You Can Control Your Actions
Psychologists have found that it is difficult for people to
switch their emotions off and on at will. Emotions are not
under the direct control of the will.
Your actions, however, are largely under your control
from moment to moment. By controlling your actions, you
can behave as if you already had the emotions you desire
to have, similar to the “outside-in” approach in Chapter 8.
So your actions actually help to create those emotions.
Actions Trigger Feelings
The “act as if” principle says that if you act as if you
already felt a particular way, your actions will soon trigger
the feelings to go with them.
When you meet with another person, act as if that other
person is absolutely fascinating. Treat the other person like
a movie star or Nobel Prize winner. Listen with your full
attention. Lean forward and hang on every word. Nod,
smile, and acknowledge, giving a continuous series of verbal
and vocal assurances. The effect will be electric.
Very often, by using attentive listening techniques, you
will be able to bring out the other person’s insights and
observations, which may amaze you. In no time at all, you
will actually find yourself deeply interested in the other
person. You will find her to be fascinating, and her words
to be intelligent and enjoyable.
The Power of Charm
Brian on Lessons from a Long Bus Trip
A long time ago, I was forced to take an eight-hour bus
ride to get home because of an airline workers strike that
had paralyzed all air transport. I found myself sitting next
to a scruffy-looking character in jeans, with long hair,
who was going to be my seatmate for the entire trip.
What could I do?
I decided to try out this “act as if” principle I had just
heard about. I turned to him and introduced myself, then
asked him where he was from and what he did for a living.
It turned out that he lived on a farm but that he had
become fascinated with small planes. He had sent away
for a kit and built himself a one-seater that he flew around
the farm country. Eventually he competed in air shows.
He went on to tell me about crashes and near-death
experiences, and his recovery from broken legs and accidents.
The more I practiced attentive listening, asking questions
and acknowledging his responses, the more fascinating
things he told me. To this day, I remember how those
eight hours flew by as he regaled me with stories about
his life and upbringing.
Ron on Using the Power of Your Mind
I was having coffee with a friend of mine recently and he
said, “You’re into this sort of thing; maybe you can give
me an explanation.”
He went on. “A week or so ago, I woke up feeling lousy,
so I decided not to go into the office. I just sat around in
my bathrobe, didn’t shave or shower, watched TV a little,
and by midmorning I felt much worse.”
Use the “Act as If” Principle
I asked, “What did you do? Did you go to see your doc
tor?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “No, I’m not the doctor type.
But, here’s the point. The very next day, I got up feeling
under the weather again but decided I had too much
work to do to stay home. I had an appointment I had
already postponed from the day before and other urgent
things. Off I went, all suited up, and by midmorning I felt
much better! Why was this?”
I said, “It was your attitude that made the difference. It’s
a perfect example of how attitude can affect us physically.
Once, everyone thought the reason you felt better
was purely mental, but now we know that it’s also biochemical.
By engaging in behaviors of being well—showering,
shaving, getting dressed and going off to work—
you actually change your body chemistry, which then
causes you to feel better.”
He digested the information for a moment. Then he said,
“So it’s a combination of the power of the mind and our
internal pharmacy department that makes the difference.”
Actions Affect Feelings
In the same way, when you become accustomed to practic
ing the charm techniques described in this book, you not
only appear to be listening more convincingly but you actu
ally do listen more efficiently and remember more effec
tively. It’s as though by getting your body (the “outside”)
to do the right things, you promote the right attitude (the
“inside”) and the right chemistry.
By incorporating attentive listening techniques into
The Power of Charm
your life, the payoff is not only that you appear to be an
involved and caring listener, but that you can actually
become an involved and caring listener, which will prove to
