be much more rewarding for you as well as for the other
people in your life!
Your Tools for Charming Others
”Fake it until you make it.” The next time you are talking
to anyone, in business or socially, act as if that other person
was absolutely fascinating. Hang on every word. Lean forward
with great interest. Pretend for a moment that this
person is going to give you a million dollars if he likes you.
Act accordingly.
In no time at all, you will find yourself deeply interested in
the other person, and by some magical chemistry, this individual
will begin to share observations and insights that
may surprise and delight you. Many lifelong friendships
have started this way.
CHAPTER 24
What You Say and
How You Say It
A man’s character is revealed by his speech.
—MENANDER
The first step toward becoming a completely charming
person is to become a great listener. Sooner or
later, though, it will be your turn to speak. What you say
and how you say it are essential ingredients in your ability
to charm and persuade others.
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The Power of Charm
Ron on Speaking with Charm
I have a delightful old friend, Cecil Williams, a successful
theater director for many years. I acted in several of his
productions. He was without doubt one of the most
charming people I’ve ever met. He epitomized all the elements
of charm that we’ve written about in this book.
What most impressed me about him was the way he
turned every word he uttered into a show of support,
concern, interest, involvement, and caring. He had plenty
of opinions of his own and many strong ones, but they
were always communicated with respect—as an
exchange of ideas, not as competition.
An Essential Speaking Skill
There are several skills you will need when it is your turn
to speak, and they’ll be covered over several chapters. Let’s
start again with eye contact, but from a different angle.
Time magazine once scooped the other media and did
the first major interview with Mikhail Gorbachev, the then
visiting Russian president. His ability to communicate
with power and forcefulness his ideas on economic and
political reform was one of the major reasons he ascended
to the presidency of the USSR. One of his strongest communication
skills was noted by the Time reporter who
wrote, “The first thing you notice on meeting President
Gorbachev are his eyes, their intensity, their directness, and
their power.”
Few of us use eye contact well. Developing this skill is
critical to increasing your ability to charm.
What You Say and How You Say It
The Way You Look at People
The rules used for eye contact when speaking are different
from the rules used when a person is listening. When
you’re in a one-on-one conversation with another person,
look at the other person’s eyes no more than 85 percent of
the time. Maintaining eye contact all the time creates too
much pressure. With that much eye contact, you virtually
pin the other person to the wall. Instead of being charming,
you come across as too intense.
How do you feel when someone is talking to you and
never takes her eyes off you? It can be intimidating and
even threatening. Notice the way villains in the movies use
that kind of unyielding eye contact when they speak.
When you are speaking in a group, you should shift
your gaze from person to person, gently, one person at a
time. Use your eye contact to reach out and include people
in what you are saying, as if you were scooping them into
the conversation. Everyone you are talking to should feel
the power of your warmth and attention.
Your Tools for Charming Others
Make a point of practicing good eye contact with anyone
you talk to. Be sure you don’t overdo it—look at the other
person’s eyes no more than 75 percent to 85 percent of the
time, otherwise you risk becoming overbearing. Look deep
into the person’s eyes rather than superficially. It’s a definitive
way of saying, “I see you!”
CHAPTER 25
The Look-Aside
Speech is a mirror of the soul; as a man speaks, so is he.
—PUBLIUS SYRUS
When you are the one doing the talking, the lookaside
is a powerful communication technique. It
is a casual glance to one side or the other of the listener’s
head, when you momentarily redirect your focus from the
person’s eyes to the side of the face.
Look-asides should be done casually and intermittently.
Never look above the listener’s head, because that will
convince the listener that there’s something or someone
distracting you. Frequent looks below the listeners’ eyes
will lead them to believe they might have food on their face
or gravy on their clothes. Look-asides are not meant to give
you the opportunity to look at other things or people;
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The Look-Aside
rather, they are there to release the listener from too much
intensity coming from you. In one-on-one conversations,
they are essential.
Your Tools for Charming Others
The next time you’re speaking with someone for any period
of time, practice shifting your gaze to his right or left
ear, and then back to his mouth and eyes.
Make sure your look-asides are short, never for more than
two or three seconds; otherwise you will look distracted.
Remember that your objective is to maintain good eye contact
without making the other person uncomfortable.
CHAPTER 26
The Art of
Speaking Slowly
Think before you speak, pronounce not imperfectly,
nor bring out your words too hastily, but orderly and distinctly.
—GEORGE WASHINGTON
Many people, because of excitement or nervousness,
speak too fast and listen too little. People
who speak too fast can be both frustrating and irritating.
Have you ever been stuck in a traffic jam simply
because you didn’t have enough time to understand what
the traffic reporter on the radio said? Near what off-ramp
was that accident, and what was the alternative route? If
only these reporters didn’t speak so fast. They are professionals.
Don’t they know it’s difficult to absorb a lot of
88
The Art of Speaking Slowly
information so quickly? If they would simply slow down,
you’d have time to grasp the situation and make the decision
to take an alternative route.
Have you ever received a message on your answering
machine where the return telephone number was spoken
so rapidly or incoherently that you couldn’t get the last
four numbers? You end up having to replay the message,
sometimes more than once, to get the right number.
Give People Time to Think
We all know people who fast talk and are difficult to listen
to. You could even be one of them. The trouble with fast talk
is that it invariably creates negative impressions and virtually
no positive ones. A fast talker gives you no time to
think. What kind of person comes to mind when you think
of a fast talker? Don’t you think of a used-car salesman, a
con artist, or someone who is trying to manipulate or hustle
you into something that is not in your best interest?
Fast talk makes a speaker sound less thoughtful and
more self-centered, which affects how sincerely and honestly
that person comes across. Such speakers seem interested
only in what they have to say. Fast talk is a sure way
to neutralize any opportunity for charm.
Better Speaking Using the Slow-Down Technique
What is the solution for fast talk? There are two techniques
you can use. The first, covered here, is simply to slow down.
The second (covered in Chapter 27) is for you to learn how
to use silences in conversation.
If you been told many times that you speak too quickly,
there’s an internal monitor you can use to control speak
The Power of Charm
ing too fast; it’s called your comfort zone. Just as we have
comfort zones on the outside, where standing too close to
someone is intrusive and too far away destroys intimacy,
we have comfort zones inside, too.
When you’re doing something unfamiliar or out of the
ordinary, you will often feel decidedly uncomfortable. You
will have an almost irresistible urge to go back to doing it
the old way, even if the old way was not working all that
well.
We are all creatures of habit. We too easily slip into a rut
and then resist all pressure to get out of it. We are always
more comfortable doing things the way we have become
accustomed to doing them. It’s like the ritual we go
through when we get ready for the day. First, the left shoe,
then the right, then lace the right one, then the left. If you
try to change the pattern, it feels odd.
A Simple Experiment
In our seminars, we often ask people to fold their arms and
notice which arm is on top. Then we ask them to refold their
arms with the other arm on top. Try it yourself. Doesn’t it
feel odd? This is the same feeling you have when you
attempt to change an old habit.
But all growth and personal development comes from
forcing ourselves out of our comfort zones into the zone
of discomfort. If we never challenge our comfort zones we
will never change—and that includes changing for the
better.
Old habits die hard, and rapid speaking is among the
most persistent of them. If it’s a habit you are having trouble
kicking, the very least you should do is make sure you
slow down when you are making your more important
The Art of Speaking Slowly
points. This technique alone will create the perception that
you are speaking more slowly overall.
It is important that you keep practicing at speaking
more slowly. After a while, you’ll start to develop a new
comfort zone at your new pace of speaking. You will then
feel uncomfortable when you speak too quickly because
the new, slower speed is becoming more and more comfortable
for you. And what’s more important, you’ll find
it’s much more comfortable for your listeners, too.
Your Tools for Charming Others
Here are two exercises you can use to stretch yourself out
of your comfort zone and into the performance zone of
higher achievement.
First, get a tape recorder and tape yourself reading aloud.
Speak at a speed that sounds uncomfortably slow to you.
Your instinct may demand that you speak at your old
speed, but pay no attention to it. Now, play back the
recording. You will soon discover that although you
sounded slow to yourself when you spoke, it will sound
just right on the recording. You can check this out by asking
a friend or family member to listen to your recording.
Second, use the same technique during a conversation
with a friend. Though the tempo may still feel too slow to
you, it will almost certainly be fine for the listener.
Remember, in the early stages of learning to slow your
speech, you will and must feel uncomfortable. If not, then
you’re probably still speaking at your old, quick speed.
CHAPTER 27
The Eloquence
of Silence
He who does not understand your silence
will probably not understand your words.
—ELBERT HUBBARD
In the early days of his presidency, George W. Bush was
judged to be a rather poor speaker. Sometimes it was
almost painful to watch his bungled attempts to get his
message across in his prepared speeches. Something happened
along the way that improved his ability to speak
more effectively. His aides hired some of the top speechwriters
in the business. But in addition to better speech
material, there was something else. He learned to speak
with greater clarity and impact by using pauses, even if
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The Eloquence of Silence
they were used too often at times. The change was significant
and approval ratings for his speech delivery rose.
Pausing gives a person time to think, to keep control of
the content, and it gives the audience a chance to relate to
what’s being said. You can become a better speaker simply
by pausing for a second or two at various intervals during
your delivery.
It is during the silences that your listeners will have the
chance to reflect on what you say. They are able to picture
in their minds what you are talking about. They have the
opportunity to weigh your meaning, to connect and
respond to your feelings.
In addition, pauses allow listeners to have an inner dialogue
with you. They actually talk in their heads expressing
their inner thoughts. As a listener, haven’t you often
found yourself saying things in your head like, “I disagree,”
or “What a good idea,” or “I read something about that,” etc.?
The more inner dialogue you inspire, the stronger your
connection with your listeners will be.
Here is an important secret about the art of speaking
well: You can’t go wrong with silence. Even if you don’t
always pick the ideal place for a silence, your listener
won’t know the difference—he will be too involved with
you and what you are saying. In a conversation, nobody
thinks, “Now, wait a minute, that pause was in the wrong
place.”
Your Tools for Charming Others
Practice pausing at the end of a thought, or just after hav
ing made a key point. This technique helps a listener to
know where one thought ends and another begins.
The Power of Charm
Remember to pause especially after you’ve said something
important, complicated, or unusual. Let the listener digest
what you’ve said while giving yourself time to think and
to breathe.
CHAPTER 28
Excessive Fillers Are
Charm Killers
The poor speak very fast, with quick movements,
to attract attention. The rich move slowly and
they speak slowly; they don’t need to get your attention
because they’ve already got it.
—MICHAEL CAINE
Inexperienced, unprepared, or nervous speakers often
fill their sentences with sounds such as aah, umm, uh,
and er. They’re known as fillers. Fillers are a way of creating
