the space to give us time to think. We use them in an
attempt to hold onto the listener’s attention while we’re trying
to find the right thoughts and words. Your fillers are say
95
The Power of Charm
ing, “Don’t stop listening, I haven’t finished yet, just hang on.”
It can be terribly irritating when somebody “umms”
and “ers” their way through a conversation. You may begin
to get a knot in the pit of your stomach or your mind may
be saying, “For heaven’s sake, get on with it!” Unless you
have a particular desire to cling to these peculiar and
incomprehensible noises, get rid of them. Nobody likes to
hear them; fillers are charm-busters.
Your Tools for Charming Others
The best way to eliminate fillers is to slow down your
speaking style and deliberately use more silences. It is as
simple as that: If you use silences, fillers disappear.
Whatever you do, don’t be overly self-conscious in trying
to avoid fillers. You don’t know where and when they’re
going to happen. Trying to anticipate an unconscious act
could drive you crazy.
Instead, concentrate on using silences every time you feel
an “er” or “umm” emerging from your lips. Incorporate
silences into your everyday conversations, especially
whenever you realize that you are speaking too quickly,
and the fillers will take care of themselves.
CHAPTER 29
Charming People
with Your Voice
Any man may speak truly; but to speak with order, wisely,
and competently, of that, few men are capable.
—MONTAIGNE
The sound of your voice has a profound influence on
the mood and receptivity of the person you are talking
to. The mere tone of your voice accounts for 38 percent
of your message (as noted previously, body language and
the words themselves are responsible for the rest).
Who would you prefer to listen to? Someone with a
high, shrill voice that pierces your ears and makes you
wish you were somewhere else, or someone who is able to
charm you with a warm, full voice that makes you feel as
97
The Power of Charm
though you’re being wrapped in a cashmere blanket? It’s
no contest. Cashmere wins every time.
What about monotonous and boring voices? “Blah”
voices, we call them. They are sure to reduce both the
attention and the receptivity of the listener. You have to use
your voice the way storytellers do, with animation and
color that makes whatever you talk about—even if it’s just
the weather or the stock market—sound interesting.
Resolve to be a storyteller rather than a talking fax
machine.
Lower Your Voice
When you want to sound close, friendly, warm, reassuring,
intimate, or caring when you speak, keep your voice in the
lower range where the deeper sounds are. The lower to
middle tones are also great when you want to reason with
the other person or show that you care or are being
thoughtful.
Also, remind yourself to slow down. It’s very difficult
to be close, friendly, warm, or thoughtful when you’re
speaking too quickly. Most of us tend to slow down naturally
when expressing our deeper emotions.
Try this: Say quickly, “I’m deeply concerned about you; you
mean a lot to me.”
Now, try it more slowly. It will sound much more sincere
and real.
Pick Up the Tempo
On the other hand, if you have a flat voice, push yourself
out of your comfort zone and pick up the tempo when you
Charming People with Your Voice
want to sound excited or energized. Use the upper sounds
of your voice, but not too high. Vary your speed and tone.
Choose your pace and tone based on what you’re talking
about and the mood you want to create.
Deeper vocal sounds suggest size and strength; higher
sounds convey smallness and weakness. If you hear a deep
barking behind a door, you don’t expect to see a
Chihuahua; if you hear high-pitched barking you don’t
expect to see a Great Dane. Powerful people deliberately
speak more slowly and with lower tones.
New Voice, New Career
There was a prominent football player who was about six
feet seven inches tall and weighed about 280 pounds. He
was a great player, but though he was a giant on the
field, in everyday life he had the voice of a Chihuahua—
very incongruous. With coaching he learned to change
the way he used his voice. This new deeper voice
changed his life. He ultimately left football and became a
successful sports commentator on television.
Your Tools for Charming Others
First, select an interesting chapter or article from a book or
magazine that is easy to read and speak. Then read this
material into a tape recorder at a leisurely pace. Gently
lower your voice toward the deeper, warmer tones that
you can comfortably reach. Don’t force it. Let it come naturally,
varying your tone up and down. Repeat this exercise
until you are pleased with the result.
Second, play this pleasant-sounding voice of yours over
and over again at home and in your car. As your new voice
The Power of Charm
imprints itself on your subconscious, you will find yourself
speaking in that same tone of voice in your everyday conversations.
When you use the deeper sounds more frequently, the
overall perception your listener forms is that of a richer
and warmer voice, and a more charming personality.
CHAPTER 30
Be a Charming
Conversationalist
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle is said to have once left a dinner party
raving about Oscar Wilde’s gift as a conversationalist.
“But you did all the talking,” his companion pointed out.
“Exactly!” Conan Doyle said.
—STEPHEN FRY
Your charm quotient is entirely determined by the
way you look, listen, and speak to people. But there
is an additional quality that those who have charm enjoy—
they are great conversationalists.
Being a focused and patient listener is essential to
charm. Using a pleasant voice and not talking fast also
101
The Power of Charm
raise your charm quotient. Another key to being charming
is to be sensitive to what others want and don’t want to talk
about.
If the people you’re speaking with want to unload their
feelings or just talk about trivia, let them. It is true that
there are those who will go on forever about things that are
unimportant or boring to you. And it’s hard to be charming
when you are being bored out of your gourd. Some
people will talk endlessly about their problems and their
personal lives. You don’t want to be impolite, so what can
you do?
Usually you have two choices: One is changing the subject
180 degrees, the other is trying to grin and bear it. But
when you’ve decided that enough is enough, there is
another choice for the true charmer. You can use a wellplaced
question.
For example, a 180-degree change would be if you were
to take over the conversation and switch abruptly to another
topic. If someone is pouring out her heart about a pet
dog, you suddenly start talking about your interest in
intergalactic travel. A better way is to do a twenty or thirty
degree shift and slip in a comment about your own appreciation
of dogs. Then you might parlay into a question
about dog shows—”What did you think of the best-inshow
pick at Westminster Kennel Club this year?”—or performing
dogs, dogs for the blind, rescue dogs, or some titbit
about pets and vets.
Your Tools for Charming Others
In your next conversation with a friend or colleague, look
for an opening to change the subject obliquely, into a slight
ly different direction, twenty or thirty degrees off center, so
Be a Charming Conversationalist
the change of conversation is almost imperceptible. Try
interjecting a well-placed question.
While you may not be able to change the subject entirely,
you’ll have charmed someone by keeping the conversation
meaningful to that person. It’s a wonderful opportunity to
be creative while focusing on someone else’s needs instead
of your own. Making others feel special is one of the keys
to becoming a disarmingly charming person.
CHAPTER 31
Steer the
Conversation
The true spirit of conversation consists more
in bringing out the cleverness of others
than in showing a great deal of it yourself.
—LA BRUYèRE
The purpose of steering the conversation is not to
dominate it (that would be the opposite of charm), but
to make sure that, with your support, it continues to go in
the direction the other person wishes so that his or her
interest and involvement are constantly engaged.
Imagine yourself in a social situation. You’re standing
there alone, minding your own business, with a plate of
snacks in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. Out of
104
Steer the Conversation
the blue, somebody launches at you and immediately starts
talking about himself: “I do this; I did that.”
In ten seconds flat, you’re thinking, “How can I get out of
here!” Now, let’s imagine the same situation, only this time
somebody comes over to you and in ten seconds flat has
you talking about yourself. Who would you prefer to spend
time with? There’s no contest.
Talk About What the Other Person Cares About
All of us enjoy talking about the topics we’re interested
in—especially when the listener seems to enjoy it, too.
When people discuss a topic that’s important to them, they
tend to reveal a great deal about themselves to sympathetic
listeners. They show their likes and dislikes, their preferences,
beliefs, and ideas. When you are the listener in a
conversation, you must listen closely to discover the various
paths you can take in steering the conversation. What
you’re looking for is a way to keep up your end of the conversation
while encouraging others to take over as much of
the conversation as they like.
An added bonus is that you can often learn as much
from people with whom you have little in common as
those with whom you agree. An open mind is a receptive
mind, and it creates the endearing manner of the charming
person.
Your Tools for Charming Others
The surest way to steer any conversation is to ask questions
that begin with who, what, why, when, where, and how.
Any question that starts with one of these words cannot be
answered with a yes or no. The response requires facts, fig
The Power of Charm
ures, feelings, and details. And the person who asks these
questions has control.
One of the most powerful ways to elicit reactions, responses,
and opinions is to ask the questions, “How do you feel
about that?” or “What do you think about that?” whenever
a story or anecdote is told. These questions almost
always elicit a more extensive answer, and the person
speaking will think that you are both charming and intelligent,
just for asking.
CHAPTER 32
Do Your
Homework
Knowledge is pleasure as well as power.
—FRANCIS BACON
Anytime you are getting together with someone,
socially or professionally, whom you particularly
want to impress, do your homework. Learn what you can
about that person before you actually meet. It’s the best way
to be charming and interesting to others. As Dale Carnegie
once said, “You can make more friends in a day by being
interested in others than you could in a year by trying to
get them to be interested in you.”
107
The Power of Charm
A Good Investment
The higher the value you place on a relationship, the more
time you should invest in learning about the person before
you meet. Find out as much as you can about her or his
likes and dislikes, hobbies, educational background, business
interests, and social activities. Armed with this information,
you can lead the conversation in many different
directions that you know the person will enjoy. The idea is
to know more about these people than they know about
you.
Brian on the Value of Preparation
Some years ago, I was building a national sales organization.
I soon discovered that it was easier to take over
an existing branch than it was to set up offices, recruit
salespeople, and train from scratch. I learned of a successful
business owner with a crack sales team who was
discontented with the company he was representing. I
decided to recruit him and all his people for my business.
In asking around, I discovered that he was heavily into
numerology and made all his decisions based on the numbers
of the birth dates of potential business partners, as
well as the days of the month and week. I got a couple of
books on numerology, read up on the significance of particular
numbers, and then arranged to meet with him on
the best day of the month, numerically speaking.
One of his first questions of me was my birthday. I was
prepared. I told him that it was a certain day, month, and
year that added up to a “lucky number” for business relationships.
At the end of the meeting, he joined my organization
and went on to be a highly productive member of
my network. The preparation was the key.
Do Your Homework
Seek First to Understand
Sometimes it’s not possible to obtain information, especially
if you’re meeting someone for the first time. In this type
of situation, you must be completely focused on the other
person.
When you first meet, talk about yourself as little as possible.
There’s a wise old saying: “You never learn anything
when you’re talking.”
Think about that. You can’t talk and listen to people at
the same time. It is only when they talk and you listen that
you will learn anything about them. If they seem reluctant
to open the conversation, you take over with the intention
of getting them to talk as soon as possible.
You can begin by talking about what’s current or
prominent in the news (avoid politics or religion until you
know more about them), or by making reference to a recent
