"Monsieur Pontmercy, this is not common sense, I am an honest man. It is by degrading myself in your eyes that I elevate myself in my own. This has happened to me once before, but it was less painful then; it was a mere nothing.
Yes, an honest man.
I should not be so if, through my fault, you had continued to esteem me; now that you despise me, I am so.
I have that fatality hanging over me that, not being able to ever have anything but stolen consideration, that consideration humiliates me, and crushes me inwardly, and, in order that I may respect myself, it is necessary that I should be despised.
Then I straighten up again.
I am a galley-slave who obeys his conscience.
I know well that that is most improbable. But what would you have me do about it? it is the fact.
I have entered into engagements with myself; I keep them.
There are encounters which bind us, there are chances which involve us in duties. You see, Monsieur Pontmercy, various things have happened to me in the course of my life."
Again Jean Valjean paused, swallowing his saliva with an effort, as though his words had a bitter after-taste, and then he went on:
"When one has such a horror hanging over one, one has not the right to make others share it without their knowledge, one has not the right to make them slip over one's own precipice without their perceiving it, one has not the right to let one's red blouse drag upon them, one has no right to slyly encumber with one's misery the happiness of others.
It is hideous to approach those who are healthy, and to touch them in the dark with one's ulcer.
In spite of the fact that Fauchelevent lent me his name, I have no right to use it; he could give it to me, but I could not take it.
A name is an _I_. You see, sir, that I have thought somewhat, I have read a little, although I am a peasant; and you see that I express myself properly. I understand things.
I have procured myself an education.
Well, yes, to abstract a name and to place oneself under it is dishonest. Letters of the alphabet can be filched, like a purse or a watch. To be a false signature in flesh and blood, to be a living false key, to enter the house of honest people by picking their lock, never more to look straightforward, to forever eye askance, to be infamous within the _I_, no! no! no! no! no!
It is better to suffer, to bleed, to weep, to tear one's skin from the flesh with one's nails, to pass nights writhing in anguish, to devour oneself body and soul.
That is why I have just told you all this. Wantonly, as you say."
He drew a painful breath, and hurled this final word:
"In days gone by, I stole a loaf of bread in order to live; to-day, in order to live, I will not steal a name."
"To live!" interrupted Marius.
"You do not need that name in order to live?"
"Ah!
I understand the matter," said Jean Valjean, raising and lowering his head several times in succession.
A silence ensued.
Both held their peace, each plunged in a gulf of thoughts.
Marius was sitting near a table and resting the corner of his mouth on one of his fingers, which was folded back. Jean Valjean was pacing to and fro.
He paused before a mirror, and remained motionless.
Then, as though replying to some inward course of reasoning, he said, as he gazed at the mirror, which he did not see:
"While, at present, I am relieved."
He took up his march again, and walked to the other end of the drawing-room. At the moment when he turned round, he perceived that Marius was watching his walk.
Then he said, with an inexpressible intonation:
"I drag my leg a little.
Now you understand why!"
Then he turned fully round towards Marius:
"And now, sir, imagine this:
I have said nothing, I have remained Monsieur Fauchelevent, I have taken my place in your house, I am one of you, I am in my chamber, I come to breakfast in the morning in slippers, in the evening all three of us go to the play, I accompany Madame Pontmercy to the Tuileries, and to the Place Royale, we are together, you think me your equal; one fine day you are there, and I am there, we are conversing, we are laughing; all at once, you hear a voice shouting this name:
`Jean Valjean!' and behold, that terrible hand, the police, darts from the darkness, and abruptly tears off my mask!"
Again he paused; Marius had sprung to his feet with a shudder. Jean Valjean resumed:
"What do you say to that?"
Marius' silence answered for him.
Jean Valjean continued:
"You see that I am right in not holding my peace.
Be happy, be in heaven, be the angel of an angel, exist in the sun, be content therewith, and do not trouble yourself about the means which a poor damned wretch takes to open his breast and force his duty to come forth; you have before you, sir, a wretched man."
Marius slowly crossed the room, and, when he was quite close to Jean Valjean, he offered the latter his hand.
But Marius was obliged to step up and take that hand which was not offered, Jean Valjean let him have his own way, and it seemed to Marius that he pressed a hand of marble.
"My grandfather has friends," said Marius; "I will procure your pardon."
"It is useless," replied Jean Valjean.
"I am believed to be dead, and that suffices.
The dead are not subjected to surveillance. They are supposed to rot in peace.
Death is the same thing as pardon."
And, disengaging the hand which Marius held, he added, with a sort of inexorable dignity:
"Moreover, the friend to whom I have recourse is the doing of my duty; and I need but one pardon, that of my conscience."
At that moment, a door at the other end of the drawing-room opened gently half way, and in the opening Cosette's head appeared. They saw only her sweet face, her hair was in charming disorder, her eyelids were still swollen with sleep.
She made the movement of a bird, which thrusts its head out of its nest, glanced first at her husband, then at Jean Valjean, and cried to them with a smile, so that they seemed to behold a smile at the heart of a rose:
"I will wager that you are talking politics.
How stupid that is, instead of being with me!"
Jean Valjean shuddered.
"Cosette! . . ." stammered Marius.
And he paused.
One would have said that they were two criminals.
Cosette, who was radiant, continued to gaze at both of them. There was something in her eyes like gleams of paradise.
"I have caught you in the very act," said Cosette.
"Just now, I heard my father Fauchelevent through the door saying:
`Conscience . . . doing my duty . . .' That is politics, indeed it is.
I will not have it.
People should not talk politics the very next day. It is not right."
"You are mistaken.
Cosette," said Marius, "we are talking business. We are discussing the best investment of your six hundred thousand francs . . ."
"That is not it at all " interrupted Cosette.
"I am coming. Does any body want me here?"
And, passing resolutely through the door, she entered the drawing-room. She was dressed in a voluminous white dressing-gown, with a thousand folds and large sleeves which, starting from the neck, fell to her feet.
In the golden heavens of some ancient gothic pictures, there are these charming sacks fit to clothe the angels.
She contemplated herself from head to foot in a long mirror, then exclaimed, in an outburst of ineffable ecstasy:
"There was once a King and a Queen.
Oh! how happy I am!"
That said, she made a curtsey to Marius and to Jean Valjean.
"There," said she, "I am going to install myself near you in an easy-chair, we breakfast in half an hour, you shall say anything you like, I know well that men must talk, and I will be very good."
Marius took her by the arm and said lovingly to her:
"We are talking business."
"By the way," said Cosette, "I have opened my window, a flock of pierrots has arrived in the garden,--Birds, not maskers. To-day is Ash-Wednesday; but not for the birds."
"I tell you that we are talking business, go, my little Cosette, leave us alone for a moment.
We are talking figures.
That will bore you."
"You have a charming cravat on this morning, Marius.
You are very dandified, monseigneur.
No, it will not bore me."
"I assure you that it will bore you."
"No. Since it is you.
I shall not understand you, but I shall listen to you.
When one hears the voices of those whom one loves, one does not need to understand the words that they utter. That we should be here together--that is all that I desire. I shall remain with you, bah!"
"You are my beloved Cosette!
Impossible."
"Impossible!"
"Yes."
"Very good," said Cosette.
"I was going to tell you some news. I could have told you that your grandfather is still asleep, that your aunt is at mass, that the chimney in my father Fauchelevent's room smokes, that Nicolette has sent for the chimney-sweep, that Toussaint and Nicolette have already quarrelled, that Nicolette makes sport of Toussaint's stammer.
Well, you shall know nothing. Ah! it is impossible? you shall see, gentlemen, that I, in my turn, can say:
It is impossible.
Then who will be caught?
I beseech you, my little Marius, let me stay here with you two."
"I swear to you, that it is indispensable that we should be alone."
"Well, am I anybody?"
Jean Valjean had not uttered a single word.
Cosette turned to him:
"In the first place, father, I want you to come and embrace me. What do you mean by not saying anything instead of taking my part? who gave me such a father as that?
You must perceive that my family life is very unhappy.
My husband beats me.
Come, embrace me instantly."
Jean Valjean approached.
Cosette turned toward Marius.
"As for you, I shall make a face at you."
Then she presented her brow to Jean Valjean.
Jean Valjean advanced a step toward her.
Cosette recoiled.
"Father, you are pale.
Does your arm hurt you?"
"It is well," said Jean Valjean.
"Did you sleep badly?"
"No."
"Are you sad?"
"No."
"Embrace me if you are well, if you sleep well, if you are content, I will not scold you."
And again she offered him her brow.
Jean Valjean dropped a kiss upon that brow whereon rested a celestial gleam.
"Smile."
Jean Valjean obeyed.
It was the smile of a spectre.
"Now, defend me against my husband."
"Cosette! . . ." ejaculated Marius.
"Get angry, father.
Say that I must stay.
You can certainly talk before me.
So you think me very silly.
What you say is astonishing! business, placing money in a bank a great matter truly. Men make mysteries out of nothing.
I am very pretty this morning. Look at me, Marius."
And with an adorable shrug of the shoulders, and an indescribably exquisite pout, she glanced at Marius.
"I love you!" said Marius.
"I adore you!" said Cosette.
And they fell irresistibly into each other's arms.
"Now," said Cosette, adjusting a fold of her dressing-gown, with a triumphant little grimace, "I shall stay."
"No, not that," said Marius, in a supplicating tone.
"We have to finish something."
"Still no?"
Marius assumed a grave tone:
"I assure you, Cosette, that it is impossible."
"Ah! you put on your man's voice, sir.
That is well, I go. You, father, have not upheld me.
Monsieur my father, monsieur my husband, you are tyrants.
I shall go and tell grandpapa. If you think that I am going to return and talk platitudes to you, you are mistaken.
I am proud.
I shall wait for you now. You shall see, that it is you who are going to be bored without me. I am going, it is well."
And she left the room.
Two seconds later, the door opened once more, her fresh and rosy head was again thrust between the two leaves, and she cried to them:
"I am very angry indeed."
The door closed again, and the shadows descended once more.
It was as though a ray of sunlight should have suddenly traversed the night, without itself being conscious of it.
Marius made sure that the door was securely closed.
"Poor Cosette!" he murmured, "when she finds out . . ."
At that word Jean Valjean trembled in every limb.
He fixed on Marius a bewildered eye.
"Cosette! oh yes, it is true, you are going to tell Cosette about this. That is right.
Stay, I had not thought of that.
One has the strength for one thing, but not for another.
Sir, I conjure you, I entreat now, sir, give me your most sacred word of honor, that you will not tell her.
Is it not enough that you should know it? I have been able to say it myself without being forced to it, I could have told it to the universe, to the whole world,--it was all one to me.
But she, she does not know what it is, it would terrify her.
What, a convict! we should be obliged to explain matters to her, to say to her:
`He is a man who has been in the galleys.' She saw the chain-gang pass by one day.
Oh!
My God!" . . . He dropped into an arm-chair and hid his face in his hands.
His grief was not audible, but from the quivering of his shoulders it was evident that he was weeping.
Silent tears, terrible tears.
There is something of suffocation in the sob.
He was seized with a sort of convulsion, he threw himself against the back of the chair as though to gain breath, letting his arms fall, and allowing Marius to see his face inundated with tears, and Marius heard him murmur, so low that his voice seemed to issue from fathomless depths:
"Oh! would that I could die!"
"Be at your ease," said Marius, "I will keep your secret for myself alone."
