that Julia would pull through for me with a couple copies, I worked out some details.
Dial, dial, and within an hour a plan had emerged.
Brian, a cooperative editorial assistant at Scholastic—whom I was assured would have
permission from Julia within a couple hours—would take home two office copies
ofHarry that evening, so he wouldn’t have to go back to the office on Saturday. Brian
would leave the books with the doorman of his Upper West Side apartment building, and
I would have a car pick them up the following morning at eleven. Miranda’s driver, Uri,
would then call me on my cell phone to confirm that he’d received the package and was
on his way to drop it at Teterboro airport, where the two books would be transferred to
Mr. Tomlinson’s private jet and flown to Paris. I briefly considered conducting the entire
operation in code to make it resemble a KGB operation even more, but dropped that
when I remembered that Uri didn’t really speak regular English that well. I had checked
to see how fast the fastest DHL option would have them there, but delivery couldn’t be
guaranteed until Monday, which was obviously unacceptable. Hence the private plane. If
all went as planned, little Cassidy and Caroline could wake up in their private Parisian
suite on Sunday and enjoy their morning milk while reading about Harry’s adventures—a
full day earlier than all of their friends. It warmed my heart, it really did.
Minutes after the cars had been reserved and all the appropriate people put on alert, Julia
called back. Although it’d be a grueling task and she was likely to get in trouble, she’d be
happy to give Brian two copies for Ms. Priestly. Amen.
“Do you believe he gotengaged ?” Lily asked as she rewound the copy ofFerris Bueller
we’d just finished. “I mean, we’re twenty-three years old for goodness sake—what’s the
rush?”
“I know, it does seem weird.” I called from the kitchen. “Maybe Mom and Dad won’t let
him have access to the massive trust fund until he’s settled down? That’d be enough
motivation to put a ring on her finger. Or maybe he’s just lonely?”
Lily looked at me and laughed. “Naturally, he can’t just be in love with her and ready to
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spend the rest of his life with her, right? I mean, we’ve established that that’s totally out
of the question, right?”
“Correct. That’s not an option. Try again.”
“Well, then, I’m forced to pick curtain number three. He’s gay. He finally came to the
realization himself—even though I’ve known forever—and realizes that Mom and Dad
won’t be able to handle it, so he’ll cover by marrying the first girl he can find. What do
you think?”
Casablancawas next on the list, and Lily fast-forwarded past the opening credits while I
microwaved cups of hot chocolate in the tiny kitchen of her nonalcove studio in
Morningside Heights. We lazed around straight through Friday night—breaking only to
smoke and make another Blockbuster run. Saturday afternoon found us particularly
motivated, and we managed to saunter down to SoHo for a few hours. We each bought
new tank tops for Lily’s upcoming New Year’s party and shared an oversize mug of
eggnog from a sidewalk café. By the time we made it back to her apartment on Saturday,
we were exhausted and happy and spent the rest of the night alternating betweenWhen
Harry Met Sally on TNT andSaturday Night Live . It was so thoroughly relaxing, such a
departure from the misery that had become my daily routine, I’d forgotten all about the
Harry Potter mission until I heard a phone ring on Sunday. Ohmigod, it was Her! I
overheard Lily speaking in Russian to someone, probably a classmate, on her cell phone.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, dear lord: it wasn’t Her. But that still didn’t let me off
the hook. It was already Sunday morning, and I had no idea if those stupid books had
found their way to Paris. I had enjoyed my weekend so much—had actually managed to
relax enough—that I had forgotten to check. Of course, my phone was on and set to the
highest ring level, but I never should’ve waited for someone to call me with a problem,
when of course it’d be too late to do anything. I should’ve taken preemptive action and
confirmed with everyone involved yesterday that all the steps of our highly
choreographed plan had worked.
I dug frantically through my overnight bag, searching for the cell phone given to me
byRunway that would ensure I was always only seven digits away from Miranda. I
finally freed it from a tangle of underwear at the bottom of the bag and flopped backward
on the bed. The little screen announced immediately that I had no service at that point,
and I knew immediately, instinctively, that she had called and it had gone directly to
voice mail. I hated that cell phone with my entire soul. I even hated my new Bang and
Olufsen home phone by this point. I hated Lily’s phone, commercials for phones, pictures
of phones in magazines, and I even hated Alexander Graham Bell. Working for Miranda
Priestly caused a number of unfortunate side effects in my day-to-day life, but the most
unnatural one was my severe and all-consuming hatred of phones.
For most people, the ringing of a phone was a welcome sign. Someone was trying to
reach them, to say hello, ask about their well-being, or make plans. For me, it triggered
fear, intense anxiety, and heart-stopping panic. Some people considered the many
available phone features to be a novelty, even fun. For me, they were nothing short of
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imperative. Although I’d never had so much as call waiting before Miranda, a few days
into my tenure atRunway I was signed up for call waiting (so she’d never get a busy
signal), caller ID (so I could avoid her calls), call waiting with caller ID (so I could avoid
her calls while talking on the other line), and voice mail (so she wouldn’t know I was
avoiding her calls because she’d still hear an answering machine message). Fifty bucks a
month for phone service—before long distance—seemed a small price to pay for my
peace of mind. Well, not peace of mind exactly; more like early warning.
The cell phone afforded me no such barriers. Sure, it had all the same features as the
home phone, but from Miranda’s point of view there was simply no reasonwhatsoever for
the cell to ever be turned off. It could never go unanswered. The few reasons for such a
situation that I’d thrown out to Emily when she’d first handed me the phone—a
standardRunway office supply—and told me to always answer it were quickly
eliminated.
“What if you were sleeping?” I had stupidly asked.
“So get up and answer it,” she’d answered while filing down a scraggly nail.
“Sitting down to a really fancy meal?”
“Be like every other New Yorker and talk at the dinner table.”
“Getting a pelvic exam?”
“They’re not looking in your ears, are they?” All right then. I got it.
I loathed that fucking cell but could not ignore it. It kept me tied to Miranda like an
umbilical cord, refusing to let me grow up or out or away from my source of suffocation.
She calledconstantly, and like some sick Pavlovian experiment gone awry, my body had
begun responding viscerally to its ring.Brring-brring. Increased heart rate.Briiiing.
Automatic finger clenching and shoulder tensing.Brriiiiiiiiiiiing. Oh, why won’t she leave
me alone, please, oh, please, just forget I’m alive —sweat breaks out on my forehead.
This whole glorious weekend I’d never even considered the phone might not have service
and had just assumed it would’ve rung if there was a problem. Mistake number one. I
roamed the couple hundred square feet until AT&T decided to work again, held my
breath, and dialed into my voice mail.
Mom left a cute message wishing me lots of fun with Lily. A friend from San Francisco
found himself on business in New York that week and wanted to get together. My sister
called to remind me to send a birthday card to her husband. And there it was, almost
unexpected but not quite, that dreaded British accent ringing in my ears. “Ahn-dre-ah. It’s
Mir-ahnda. It’s nine in the morning on Sunday in Pah-ris and the girls have not yet
received their books. Call me at the Ritz to assure me that they will arrive shortly. That’s
all.” Click.
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The bile began to rise in my throat. As usual, the message lacked all niceties. No hello,
good-bye, or thank you. Obviously. But more than that, it had been left nearly half a day
ago, and I had still not called her back. Grounds for dismissal, I knew, and there was
nothing I could do about it. Like an amateur, I’d assumed my plan would work perfectly
and hadn’t even realized that Uri had never called to confirm the pickup and drop-off. I
scanned through the address book on my phone and quickly dialed Uri’s cell phone
number, another Miranda purchase so that he’d be on call 24/7 as well.
“Hi, Uri, it’s Andrea. Sorry to bother you on Sunday, but I was wondering if you picked
up those books yesterday from Eighty-seventh and Amsterdam?”
“Hi, Andy, eet’s so nice to hear your woice,” he crooned in the thick Russian accent I
always found so comforting. He’d been calling me Andy like a favorite old uncle would
since the first time we met, and coming from him—as opposed to B-DAD—I didn’t mind
it. “Of course I pick up the bouks, just like you say. You tink I don’t vant to help you?”
“No, no, of course not, Uri. It’s just that I got a message from Miranda saying that they
hadn’t received them yet, and I’m wondering what went wrong.”
He was quiet for a moment, and then offered me the name and number of the pilot who
was flying the private jet yesterday afternoon.
“Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you,” I said, scribbling the number down frantically
and praying that the pilot would be helpful. “I’ve got to run. Sorry I can’t talk, but have a
great weekend.”
“Yes, yes, good veekend to you, Andy. I tink the pilot man will help you trace the bouks.
Nice luck to you,” he said merrily and hung up.
Lily was making waffles and I desperately wanted to join her, but I had to deal with this
now or I was out of a job. Or maybe I’d already been fired, I thought, and no one had
even bothered to tell me. Not outside the realm ofRunway possibility, remembering the
fashion editor who’d been fired while on her honeymoon. She herself stumbled across her
change in job status by reading about it in a copy ofWomen’s Wear Daily in Bali. I
quickly called the number that Uri had given me for the pilot and thought I’d pass out
from frustration when an answering machine picked up.
“Hi, Jonathan? This is Andrea Sachs fromRunway magazine. I’m Miranda Priestly’s
assistant, and I needed to ask you a question about the flight yesterday. Oh, come to think
of it, you’re probably still in Paris, or maybe on your way back. Well, I just wanted to see
if the books, and uh, well, you of course, made it to Paris in one piece. Can you call my
cell? 917-555-8702. Please, as soon as possible. Thanks. ’Bye.”
I thought about phoning the concierge at the Ritz to see if he’d remember receiving the
car that would have brought the books from the private airport on the outskirts of Paris
but quickly realized that my cell didn’t dial internationally. It was quite possibly the only
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task it was not programmed to handle, and it was, of course, the only one that mattered.
At that moment, Lily announced that she had a plate of waffles and a cup of coffee for
me. I walked into the kitchen and took the food. She was sipping a Bloody Mary. Ugh. It
was a Sunday morning. How could she be drinking?
“Having a Miranda moment?” she asked with a look of sympathy.
I nodded. “Think I screwed up pretty badly this time,” I said, gratefully accepting the
plate. “This one just might get me fired.”
“Oh, sweetie, you always say that. She won’t fire you. She hasn’t even seen you hard at
work yet. At least, she better not fire you—you have the greatest job in the world!”
I looked at her warily and willed myself to remain calm.
“Well, you do,” she said. “So she sounds difficult to please and a little crazy. Who isn’t?
You still get free shoes and makeovers and haircuts and clothes. The clothes! Who on
earth gets free designer clothes just for showing up at work each day? Andy, you work
atRunway, don’t you understand? A million girls would kill for your job.”
I understood. I understood right then that Lily, for the first time since I met her nine
years before,didn’t understand. She, like all my other friends, loved hearing the crazy
work stories I’d accumulated in the past weeks—the gossip and the glamour—but she
didn’t really understand just how hard each day was. She didn’t understand that the
reason I continued to show up, day after day, was not for the free clothes, didn’t
understand that all the free clothes in the world wouldn’t make this job bearable. It was
time to bring one of my best friends into my world, where, I was quite certain, shewould
understand. She just needed to be told. Yes! It was time to share with someone exactly
what was going on. I opened my mouth to start, excited at the prospect of having an ally,
but my phone rang.
Dammit! I wanted to throw it against the wall, tell whoever was on the other end to go to
hell. But a small part of me hoped it was Jonathan with some information. Lily smiled
and told me to take my time. I nodded sadly and answered.
“Is this Andrea?” asked a man’s voice.
“Yes, is this Jonathan?”
“It is indeed. I just called home and got your message. I’m flying back from Paris right
now, somewhere over the Atlantic as we speak, but you sounded so worried I wanted to
call you back right away.”
“Thank you! Thank you! I really appreciate it. Yes, I am a bit worried, because I got a
call from Miranda earlier today and it seems strange that she hadn’t yet received the
package. You did give it to the driver in Paris, right?”
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“Sure did. You know, miss, in my business I don’t ask any questions. Just fly where I’m
