days. Ideally, not until I was in Europe. But no such luck, as he was currently knocking
on my door.
“Hi!” I said a bit too enthusiastically as I pulled open the door and threw my arms
around his neck. “What a great surprise!”
“You don’t mind that I just stopped by, do you? I met Max for a drink right around the
corner and I thought I’d say hi.”
“Of course I don’t mind, silly! I’m thrilled. Come in, come in.” I knew I sounded
positively manic, but any armchair shrink could easily point out that my outward
enthusiasm was meant to overcompensate for all that was lacking inwardly.
He grabbed a beer and kissed Lily on the cheek and settled into the bright orange
armchair my parents had saved from the seventies, just knowing that one day they could
PDF created with pdfFactory Pro trial version www.pdffactory.com
bestow it proudly on one of their offspring. “So, what’s going on here?” he asked,
nodding toward the stereo, where a positively heart-wrenching version of “Hallelujah”
was blaring.
Lily shrugged. “Procrastinating. What else?”
“Well, I have some news,” I said, trying to sound enthusiastic to convince both myself
and Alex that this was, in fact, a positive development. He’d been so excited about
arranging all the plans for our homecoming weekend—and I’d been so pushy in getting
him to do it—that it seemed downright cruel to be canceling on him less than a week and
a half before we were going. We’d spent an entire night figuring out whom we wanted to
invite to our big Sunday brunch, and even knew exactly where and with whom we’d be
tailgating before the Brown–Dartmouth game on Saturday.
They both looked at me, not a little warily, until Alex finally managed, “Yeah? What’s
up?”
“Well! I just got the call—I’m going to Paris for a week!” I said this with the exuberance
of telling an infertile couple that they were having twins.
“You’re going where?” Lily asked, looking puzzled and distracted, not entirely
interested.
“You’re goingwhy ?” Alex asked at the exact same moment, looking about as pleased as
if I’d just announced that I had tested positive for syphilis.
“Emily just found out she has mono, and Miranda wants me to accompany her to the
shows. Isn’t that awesome?” I said, a chipper smile on my face. This was exhausting. I
was dreading having to go myself, but it made it ten times worse to have to convince him
that it was actually a really great opportunity.
“I don’t understand. Doesn’t she go to the shows like a thousand times a year?” he
asked. I nodded. “So why does she all of a sudden need you to go with her now?”
Lily had tuned out at this point and seemed to be engrossed in flipping through an old
issue ofThe New Yorker . I’d saved every copy from the past five years.
“She throws this massive party at the spring shows in Paris and just likes to have one of
her American assistants be there. She’ll go to Milan first and then we’ll meet in Paris. To,
you know, oversee everything.”
“And that American assistant has to be you, and it has to mean you’ll be missing
homecoming,” he said flatly.
“Well, it’s not normally the way it works. Since it’s considered a huge privilege, usually
the senior assistant is the only one who gets to go, but since Emily is sick, then, yes, now
PDF created with pdfFactory Pro trial version www.pdffactory.com
I will be going. I have to leave next Tuesday, so I can’t go to Providence that weekend.
I’m really, really sorry.” I moved off my chair and went to sit closer to him on the couch,
but he immediately stiffened.
“So it’s just that simple, right? You know, I already paid for the entire room to guarantee
the rate. Never mind the fact thatI rearrangedmy whole schedule to go with you that
weekend. I told my mom she had to find a sitter becauseyou wanted to go. Not a big deal,
though, right? Just anotherRunway obligation.” In all the years we’d spent together, I’d
never seen him so angry. Even Lily looked up from her magazine long enough to excuse
herself and get the hell out of the room before this turned into an all-out war.
I tried to curl up on his lap, but he crossed his legs and waved his hand. “Seriously,
Andrea—” He called me that only when he was really annoyed. “Is all of this really
worth it? Be honest with me for a second. Is it worth it to you?”
“All of what? Is missing a homecoming weekend when there will be dozens more worth
it to do something I’m required to do for my job? A job that is going to open doors for me
I never thought possible, and sooner than I ever expected? Yes! It’s worth it.”
His chin dropped to his chest and for a moment I thought he was crying, but when he
lifted it again, his face revealed nothing but rage.
“Don’t you think I’d rather go with you than go be someone’s slave twenty-four-seven
for a straight week?” I shouted, forgetting entirely that Lily was somewhere in the
apartment. “Can’t you stop for one second to think about the fact that I may not want to
go either, but I have no choice?”
“No choice? You have nothingbut choices! Andy, this job isn’t just a job anymore, in
case you’ve failed to notice—it’s taken over your entire life!” he yelled back, the redness
in his face expanding to his neck and ears. Normally I thought this was very cute, even
sexy, but tonight I just wanted to go to sleep.
“Alex, listen, I know—”
“No,you listen! Forget about me for a second, not like that’s such a stretch, but forget
that we never, ever see each other anymore because of the hours you keep at work,
because of your never-ending work emergencies. What about your parents? When was
the last time you actually saw them? And your sister? You do realize that she just had her
first baby and you haven’t even seen your own nephew yet, don’t you? Doesn’t that mean
anything?” He lowered his voice and leaned in closer. I thought he might be getting ready
to apologize, but he said, “What about Lily? Have you not noticed that your best friend
has turned into a raging alcoholic?” I must have looked absolutely shocked, because he
barreled on. “You can’t even think of saying you didn’t realize that, Andy. It’s the most
obvious thing in the world.”
“Yes, of course she drinks. So do you and so do I and so does everyone we know. Lily’s
PDF created with pdfFactory Pro trial version www.pdffactory.com
a student, and that’s what students do, Alex. What’s so weird about that?” It sounded
even more pathetic when I said it out loud, and he only shook his head. We were both
quiet for a few minutes until he spoke.
“You just don’t get it, Andy. I’m not exactly sure how it happened, but I feel like I don’t
even know you anymore. I think we need a break.”
“What? What are you saying? You want to break up?” I asked, realizing much too late
that he was very, very serious. Alex was so understanding, so sweet, so available, that I’d
begun to take for granted that he’d always be around to listen or talk me down after a
long day or cheer me up when everyone else had felt free to take a swing. The only
problem with all of this was that I wasn’t exactly holding up my end of the deal.
“No, not at all. Not break up, just take a break. I think it would help both of us if we
reevaluate what we’ve got going here. You sure don’t seem happy with me lately, and I
can’t say I’m thrilled with you. Maybe a little time away would be good for both of us.”
“Good for both of us? You think it’ll ‘help us’?” I wanted to scream at the triteness of
his words, at the idea that “taking some time” would actually help draw us closer. It
seemed selfish that he was doing this now, just as I was going into what I hoped was the
last of my one-yearRunway sentence and mere days before I had to pull off the biggest
challenge of my career. Any quick jabs of sadness or concern from a few minutes ago
had been swiftly replaced with irritation. “Fine, then. Let’s ‘take a break,’ ” I said
sarcastically, meanly. “A breather. Sounds like a great plan.”
He stared at me with those big brown eyes with a look of overwhelming surprise and
hurt, and then pressed them tightly shut in an apparent effort to push away the image of
my face. “OK, Andy. I’ll put you out of your obvious misery and leave now. I hope you
have a great time in Paris, I really do. I’ll talk to you soon.” And before I even realized
that it was actually happening, he’d kissed me on the cheek like he would Lily or my
mother and walked toward the door.
“Alex, don’t you think we should talk about this?” I said, trying to keep my voice calm,
wondering if he would actually walk out right now.
He turned and smiled sadly and said, “Let’s not talk any more tonight, Andy. We
should’ve been talking the past few months, the pastyear, not trying to cram it all in right
now. Think about everything, OK? I’ll call you in a couple weeks, when you’re back and
settled. And good luck in Paris—I know you’ll be great.” He opened the door, stepped
through it, and quietly closed it behind him.
I ran to Lily’s room so she could tell me that he was overreacting, that I had to go to
Paris because it was the best thing for my future, that she didn’t have a drinking problem,
that I wasn’t a bad sister for leaving the country when Jill had just had her first baby. But
she was passed out on top of her covers, fully dressed, the empty cocktail glass on her
bedside table. Her Toshiba laptop was open beside her on the bed, and I wondered if
PDF created with pdfFactory Pro trial version www.pdffactory.com
she’d managed to write a single word. I looked. Bravo! She’d written the heading,
complete with her name, the class number, the professor’s name, and her presumably
temporary version of the article’s title: “The Psychological Ramifications of Falling in
Love with Your Reader.” I laughed out loud, but she didn’t stir, so I moved the computer
back to her desk and set her alarm for seven and turned out the lights.
My cell phone rang as soon as I walked in my bedroom. After the initial five-second
usual heart-pounding session I endured each time it rang for fear that it was Her, I flipped
it open immediately, knowing it was Alex. I knew he couldn’t leave things so unfinished.
This was the same guy who couldn’t fall asleep without a good-night kiss and a verbal
wish for sweet dreams; there was no way he was just prancing out of here, totally fine
with the suggestion that we not talk for a few weeks.
“Hi, baby,” I breathed, missing him already but still happy to be on the phone with him
and not necessarily having to deal with everything in person right now. My head ached
and my shoulders felt like they were glued to my ears, and I just wanted to hear him say
that the whole thing had been a big mistake and he’d call me tomorrow. “I’m glad you
called.”
“‘Baby’? Wow! We’re making progress, aren’t we, Andy? Better be careful or I might
have to consider the possibility that you want me,” Christian said smoothly with a grin I
could hear over the phone line. “I’m glad I called, too.”
“Oh. It’s you.”
“Well, that’s not the warmest welcome I’ve ever received! What’s the matter, Andy?
You’ve been screening me lately, haven’t you?”
“Of course not,” I lied. “I’ve just had a bad day. As usual. What’s up?”
He laughed. “Andy, Andy, Andy. Come on now. You have no reason to be so unhappy.
You’re on the fast-track to great things. Speaking of which, I’m calling to see if you
wanted to come to a PEN award ceremony and reading tomorrow night. Should be lots of
interesting people, and I haven’t seen you in a while. Purely professional, of course.”
For a girl who had read way too many “How to Know if He’s Ready to Commit” articles
inCosmo, one might think the warning flags would’ve gone up on this one. And they
did—I just chose to ignore them. It had been a very long day, and so I allowed myself to
think—just for a few minutes—that he might, might, MIGHT actually be sincere. Screw
it. It felt good to talk to a noncritical male for a few minutes, even if he did refuse to
accept that I was taken. I knew I wouldn’t actually accept his invitation, but a few
minutes of innocent phone flirting wouldn’t hurt anyone.
“Oh really?” I asked coyly. “Tell me all about it.”
“I’m going to list all the reasons that you should come with me, Andy, and the first one
PDF created with pdfFactory Pro trial version www.pdffactory.com
is the simplest: I know what’s good for you. Period.” God, he was arrogant. Why did I
find it so endearing?
Game on. We were off and running, and it took only a few more minutes until the trip to
Paris and Lily’s nasty little vodka habit and Alex’s sad eyes faded to the background of
my acknowledged-unhealthy-and-emotionally-dangerous-but-really-sexy-and-funnonetheless
conversation with Christian.
16
It was planned that Miranda would be in Europe for a week before I was due to arrive.
She settled for using some local assistants for the Milan shows—and would be arriving in
Paris the same morning I was so we could work out the details of her party together, like
old friends. Hah. Delta had refused to simply change the name on the ticket from Emily’s
to mine, so rather than get even more frustrated and hassled than I already was, I just
charged a new one. Twenty-two hundred dollars because it was fashion week and I was
buying at the last minute. I paused for one ridiculous minute before forking over the
corporate card number.Whatever, I thought.Miranda can spend that in a week on hair and
makeup alone .
As Miranda’s junior assistant, I was the lowest-ranking human being atRunway .
However, if access is power, then Emily and I were the two most powerful people in
fashion: we determined who got meetings, when they were scheduled (early morning was
always preferred because people’s makeup would be fresh and their clothes unwrinkled),
and whose messages got through (if your name wasn’t on the Bulletin, you didn’t exist).
So when either of us needed help, the rest of the staff were obliged to pull through. Yes,
of course there was something disconcerting about the realization that if we didn’t work
for Miranda Priestly these same people would have no compunction in running over us
with their chauffeured Town Cars. As it was, when called upon, they ran and fetched and
