it but in jesting manner? These friendly speeches cut off all
further contention, and she kepte charily the tuft of er Husbands
beard, which (the verie selfe-same day) shee sent to Pyrrhus her
hearts chosen friend.
But now concerning the third matter to be adventured, it drove her
to a much more serious consideration, then those two which shee had
already so well and exactly performed. Notwithstanding, like a Ladie
of unconquerable spirit, and (in whom) Love enlarged his power more
and more: she sodainly conceited, what course was best to bee kept
in this case, forming her attempt in this manner. Upon Nicostratus
wayted two young Gentlemen, as Pages of his Chamber, whose Fathers had
given them to his service, to learne the manners of honourable
Courtship, and those qualities necessarily required in Gentlemen.
One of them, when Nicostratus sate downe to dinner or supper, stood in
Office of his Carver, delivering him all the meats whereon he fed. The
other (as Taster) attended on his Cup, and he dranke no other
drinke, but what hee brought him, and they both were highly pleasing
unto him.
On a day, Lydia called these two youths aside; and, among some other
speeches, which served but as an induction to her intended policy; she
perswaded them, that their mouths yeelded an unsavoury and
ilpleasing smell, whereof their Lord seemed to take dislike. Wherefore
she advised them, that at such times as they attended on him in
their severall places: they should (so much as possibly they could)
withdraw their heads aside from him, because their breath might not be
noyous unto him. But withall, to have an especiall care, of not
disclosing to any one, what she had told them; because (out of meere
love) she had acquainted them therewith: which very coistantly they
beleeved, and followed the same direction as she had advised, being
loath to displease, where service bound them to obey. Choosing a
time fitting for her purpose, when Nicostratus was in private
conference with her, thus she began. Sir, you observe not the
behaviour of your two Pages, when they wait on you at the Table? Yes
but I do wife (quoth he) how squemishly they turn their heads aside
from me, and it hath often bin in my minde, to understand a reason why
they do so.
Seating her selfe by him, as if shee had some weighty matter to tell
him; she proceeded in this manner. Alas my Lord, you shall not need to
question them, because I can sufficiently resolve you therein: which
(neverthelesse) I have long concealed, because I would not be
offensive to you. But in regard, it is now manifestly apparant, that
others have tasted, what (I immagined) none but my selfe did, I will
no longer hide it from you. Assuredly Sir, there is a most strange and
unwonted ill-savour, continually issuing from your mouth, smelling
most noysomely, and I wonder what should be the occasion. In former
times, I never felt any such foule breathing to come from you: and
you, who do dally converse with so many worthy persons, should seeke
meanes to be rid of so great an annoyance. You say verie true wife
(answered Nicostratus) and I protest to you on my Credite, I feele
no such ill smell, neither know what should cause it, except I have
som corrupted tooth in my mouth. Perhaps Sir (quoth she) it may be so,
and yet you feele not the savour which others do, yea, very
offensively.
So, walking with her to a Window, he opened wide his mouth, the
which nicely shee surveyed on either side, and, turning her head
from him, as seeming unable to endure the savour: starting, and
shrieking out alowd, she said. Santa Maria! What a sight is this? Alas
my good Lord, How could you abide this, and for so long a while? Heere
is a tooth on this side, which (so farre as I can perceive) is not
onely hollow and corrupted: but also wholly putrified and rotten,
and if it continue still in your head, beleeve it for a truth, that it
will infect and spoile all the rest neere it. I would therefore
counsell you, to let it be pluckt out, before it breede your further
danger. I like your counsell well Lydia, replyed Nicostratus, and
presently intend to follow it; Let therefore my Barber be sent for,
and, without any longer delay, he shall plucke it forth instantly.
How sir? (quoth she,) your Barber? Uppon mine Honour, there shall
come no Barber heere. Why Sir, it is such a rotten Tooth, and standeth
so fairely for my hand: that, without helpe or advice of any Barber,
let mee alone for plucking it forth without putting you to any paine
at all. Moreover, let me tell you Sir, those Tooth-drawers are so rude
and cruell, in performing such Offices, as my heart cannot endure,
that you should come within compasse of their currish courtesie,
neither shall you Sir, if you will be ruled by me. If I should faile
in the manner of their facilitie, yet love and duty hath enstructed
me, to forbeare your least paining, which no unmannerly Barber will
do.
Having thus spoken, and he well contented with her kinde offer,
the instruments were brought, which are used in such occasions, all
being commanded forth of the Chamber, but onely Lesca, who evermore
kept still in her company. So, locking fast the doore, and Nicostratus
being seated, as she thought fittest for her purpose, she put the
Tanacles into his mouth, catching fast hold on one of his soundest
teeth: which, notwithstanding his loud crying, Lesca held him so
strongly, that forth she pluckt it, and hid it, having another tooth
readie made hot, and bloody, very much corrupted and rotten, which she
helde in the Tanacles, and shewed to him, who was well-neere halfe
dead with anguish. See Sir (quoth she) was this Tooth to be suffered
in your head, and to yeeld so foule a smell as it did? He verily
beleeving what she said, albeit hee had endured extreame paine, and
still complained on her harsh and violent pulling it out: rejoyced
yet, that he was now ridde of it, and she comforting him on the one
side, and the anguish asswaging him on the other, he departed forth of
the Chamber.
In the mean while, by Lesca she sent the sound tooth to Pyrrhus, who
(wondering not a little at her so many strange attempts, which hee
urged so much the rather, as thinking their performance impossible,
and in meere loyall duty to his Lord) seeing them all three to be
notably effected; he made no further doubt of her intire love towardes
him, but sent her assurance likewise, of his readinesse and
serviceable diligence, whensoever she would command him.
Now, after the passage of all these adventures, hardly to bee
undertaken by any other Woman: yet she held them insufficient for
his security, in the grounded perswasion of her love to him, except
shee performed another of her owne, and according as shee had boldly
promised. Houres do now seeme dayes, and dayes multiplicitie of
yeeres, till the kisse may be given, and receyved in the presence of
Nicostratus, yet hee himselfe to avouch the contrary.
Madam Lydia (upon a pretended sicknesse) keepeth her chamber, and as
women can hardly be exceeded in dissimulation: so, shee wanted no wit,
to seeme exquisitely cunning, in all the outwarde apparances of
sicknesse. One day after dinner, shee being visited by Nicostratus,
and none attending on him but Pyrrhus onely: she earnestly
entreated, that as a mitigation, to some inward afflictions which
she felt, they would helpe to guide her into the Garden.
Most gladly was her motion graunted, and Nicostratus gently taking
her by one arme, and Pyrrhus by the other, so they conducted her
into the Garden, seating her in a faire floury Grasse-plot, with her
backe leaning to a Peare-tree. Having sitten there an indifferent
while, and Pyrrhus, being formerly enstructed, in the directions which
she had given him, thus shee spake, some-what faintly. Pyrrhus, I have
a kinde of longing desire upon a sodaine, to taste of these Peares:
Wherefore, climbe up into the Tree, and cast me downe one or two;
which instantly hee did. Being aloft in the Tree, and throwing downe
some of the best and ripest Peares; at length (according to his
premeditated Lesson) looking downe, he said.
Forbeare my Lord, Do you not see, in how weake and feeble
condition my Ladie is, being shaken with so violent a sicknesse? And
you Madam, how kinde and loving soever you are to my Lord, Are you
so little carefull of your health, being but now come forth of your
sicke Chamber, to be ruffled and tumbled in such rough manner?
Though such dalliances are not amisse in you both; being fitter for
the private Chamber, then an open garden, and in the presence of a
servant: yet time and place should alwaies bee respectively
considered, for the avoiding of ill example, and better testimonie
of your owne Wisedomes, which ever should be like your selves. But
if so soone, and even in the heate of a yet turbulent sicknesse,
your equall love can admit these kisses and embraces: your private
Lodginges were much more convenient, where no Servants eye can see
such Wantonnesse, nor you be reproved of indiscretion, for being too
publique in your Familiaritie. Madame Lydia, sodainely starting, and
turning unto her Husband, sayde. What doth Pyrrhus prate? Is he well
in his wittes? Or is he franticke? No Madame, replyed Pyrrhus, I am
not franticke. Are you so fond as to thinke that I do not see your
folly? Nicostratus wondering at his Words, presently answered. Now
trust me Pyrrhus, I think thou dreamest. No my Lord, replyed
Pyrrhus, I dreame not a jot, neither do you, or my Ladie: but if
this Tree could affoord the like kindnesse to me, as you do to her,
there would not a Peare bee left uppon it. How now Pyrrhus? (quoth
Lydia) this language goeth beyond our understanding, it seemeth thou
knowest not what thou saist. Beleeve me husband, if I were as well
as ever I have bin, I would climb this tree, to see those idle wonders
which hee talketh of: for, while he continueth thus above, it
appeareth, hee can finde no other prattle, albeit he taketh his
marke amisse.
Heereupon, he commanded Pyrrhus to come downe, and being on the
ground: Now Pyrrhus (quoth he) tell me what thou saydst. Pyrrhus,
pretending an alteration into much amazement, straungely looking about
him, saide; I know not verie well (my Lord) what answere I should make
you, fearing least my sight hath bin abused by error: for when I was
aloft in that Tree, it seemed manifestly to me: that you embraced my
Lady (though somewhat rudely, in regard of her perillous sicknesse,
yet lovingly) and as youthfully as in your yonger dales, with infinite
kisses, and wanton dalliances, such as (indeede) deserved a far more
private place in my poore opinion. But in my descending downe, mee
thought you gave over that amorous familiaritie, and I found you
seated as I left you. Now trust mee Pyrrhus, answered Nicostratus, Thy
tongue and wit have very strangely wandred, both from reason and all
reall apprehension: because we never stirred from hence, since thou
didst climbe up into the Tree, neither mooved otherwise, then as now
thou seest us. Alas my Lord (saide Pyrrhus) I humbly crave pardon
for my presumption, in reprooving you for medling with your owne:
which shal make me hereafter better advised, in any thing what
soever I heare or see.
Mervaile and amazement, encreased in Nicostratus far greater then
before, hearing him to avouch still so constantly what he had seene,
no contradiction being able to alter him, which made him rashly sweare
and say. I will see my selfe, whether this Peare-tree bee enchanted,
or no: and such wonders to be seene when a man is up in it, as thou
wouldst have us to beleeve. And being mounted up so hy, that they were
safe from his sodaine comming on them, Lydia had soone forgotten her
sicknes, and the promised kisse cost her above twenty more, beside
verie kinde and hearty embraces, as lovingly respected and entertained
by Pyrrhus. Which Nicostratus beholding aloft in the tree; cryed out
to her, saying. Wicked woman, What doest thou meane? And thou
villain Pyrrhus, Darst thou abuse thy Lord, who hath reposed so much
trust in thee? So, descending in haste downe againe, yet crying so
to them still: Lydia replyed, Alas my Lord, Why do you raile and
rave in such sort? So, he( found her seated as before, and Pyrrhus
waiting with dutiful reverence, even as when he climbed up the Tree:
but yet he thought his sight not deceyved, for all their demure and
formall behaviour, which made him walke up and downe, extreamely
fuming and fretting unto himselfe, and which in some milder manner
to qualifie, Pyrrhus spake thus to him.
I deny not (my good Lord) but freely confesse, that even as your
selfe, so I, being above in the Tree, had my sight most falsely
deluded: which is so apparantly confirmed by you, and in the same
sort, as there needeth no doubt of both our beguiling; in one and
the same suspitious nature. In which case to be the more assuredly
resolved, nothing can be questioned, but whether your beleefe do so
farre misleade you, as to thinke, that my Ladie (who hath alwayes bene
most wise, loyall, and vertuous,) would so shamefullie wrong you: yea,
and to performe it before your face, wherein I dare gadge my life to
the contrary. Concerning my selfe, it is not fit for mee, to argue
or contest in mine owne commendation: you that have ever knowne the
sincerity of my service, are best able to speake in my behalfe: and
rather wold I be drawne in peeces with foure wilde horses, then bee
such an injurious slave to my Lord and Master.
Now then, it can be no otherwise, but we must needs rest
certainely perswaded, that the guile and offence of this false
appearance, was occasioned by thee onely. For all the world could
not make me otherwise beleeve, but that I saw you kisse and most
kindely imbrace my Lady: if your owne eyes had not credited the like
behaviour in me to her, of which sinne, I never conceived so much as a
thought. The Lady (on the other side) seeming to be very angerly
incensed, starting faintly up on her feet, yet supporting her selfe by
the tree, said. It appeareth Sir, that you have entertained a goodly
