sometimes accidentally: So it fortuned, that Maso times del Saggio,
being one morning in search of an especiall friend, went to the
Court-house, and being there, observed in what manner Messer
Niccolao was seated; who looking like some strange Fowle, lately
come forth of a farre Countrey; he began to survay him the more
seriously, even from the head to the foot, as we use to say.
And albeit he saw his Gowne furred with Miniver, as also the hood
about his necke, a Penne and Inkehorne hanging at his girdle, and
one skirt of his Garment longer then the other, with more misshapen
sights about him, farre unfitting for a man of so civill profession:
yet he spyed one errour extraordinary, the most notable (in his
opinion) that ever he had seene before. Namely, a paultry paire of
Breeches, wickedly made, and worse worne, hanging downe lowe as
halfe his legge, even as he sate upon the Bench, yet cut so
sparingly of the Cloath, that they gaped wide open before, as a
wheele-barrow might have full entrance allowed it. This strange
sight was so pleasing to him; as leaving off further search of his
friend, and scorning to have such a spectacle alone by himselfe: hee
went upon another Inquisition; Namely, for two other merry Lads like
hirnselfe, the one being called Ribi, and the other Matteuzzo, men
of the same mirth-full disposition as he was, and therefore the fitter
for his Company.
After he had met with them, these were his salutations: My honest
Boyes, if ever you did me any kindnesse, declare it more effectually
now, in accompanying me to the Court-house, where you shall behold
such a singular spectacle, as (I am sure) you never yet saw the
like. Forthwith they went along altogether, and being come to the
Courthouse, he shewed them the Judges hansome paire of Breeches,
hanging down in such base and beastly manner; that (being as yet farre
off from the Bench) their hearts did ake with extreamity of
laughter. But when they came neere to the seat whereon Messer Niccolao
sate, they plainely perceived, that it was very easie to be crept
under, and withall, that the board whereon he set his feet, was rotten
and broken, so that it was no difficult matter, to reach it, and
pull it downe as a man pleased, and let him fall bare Breecht to the
ground. Cheare up your spirits (my hearts) quoth Maso, and if your
longing be like to mine; we will have yonder Breeches a good deale
lower, for I see how it may be easily done.
Laying their heads together, plotting and contriving severall
wayes, which might be the likelyest to, compasse their intent: each of
them had his peculiar appointment, to undertake the businesse
without fayling and it was to be performed the next morning. At the
houre assigned, they met there againe, and finding the Court well
filled with people, the Plaintiffes and Defendants earnestly pleading:
Matteuzzo (before any body could descry him) was cunningly crept under
the Bench, and lay close by the board whereon the Judge placed his
feete. Then stept in Maso on the right hand of Messer Niccolao, and
tooke fast hold on his Gowne before; the like did Ribi on the left
hand, in all respects answerable to the other. Oh my Lord Judge (cryed
Maso out aloud) I humbly intreat you for charities sake, before this
pilfering knave escape away from hence; that I may have justice
against him, for stealing my drawing-over stockeings, which he stoutly
denyeth, yet mine owne eyes beheld the deed, it being now not above
fifteene dayes since, when first I bought them for mine owne use.
Worthy Lord Judge (cryed Ribi, on the other side) doe not beleeve
what he saith, for he is a paltry lying fellow, and because hee knew I
came hither to make my complaint for a Male or Cloakebag which he
stole from me: hee urgeth this occasion for a paire of drawing
Stockeings, which he delivered me with his owne hands. If your
Lordship will not credit me, I can produce as witnesses, Trecco the
Shoemaker, with Monna Grassa the Souse-seller, and he that sweepes the
Church of Santa Maria a Verzaia, who saw him when he came posting
hither. Maso haling and tugging the Judge by the sleeve, would not
suffer him to heare Ribi, but cryed out still for justice against him,
as he did the like on the contrary side.
During the time of this their clamourous contending, the Judge being
very willy willing to heare either party: Matteuzzo, upon a signe
received from the other, which was a word in Masoes pleading, laide
holde on the broken boord, as also on the Judges low-hanging Breech,
plucking at them both so strongly, that they fell downe immediately,
the Breeches being onely tyed but with one Poynt before. He hearing
the boards breaking underneath him, and such maine pulling at his
Breeches; strove (as he sate) to make them fast before, but the
Poynt being broken, and Maso crying in his eare on the one side, as
Ribi did the like in the other; hee was at his wits end to defend
himselfe. My Lord (quoth Maso) you may bee ashamed that you doe me not
justice, why will you not heare mee, but wholly lend your eare to mine
Adversary? My Lord (said Ribi) never was Libell preferd into this
Court, of such a paltry trifling matter, and therefore I must, and
will have Justice.
By this time the Judge was dismounted from the Bench, and stood on
the ground, with his slovenly Breeches hanging about his heeles:
Matteuzzo being cunningly stolne away, and undiscovered by any body.
Ribi, thinking he had shamed the Judge sufficiently, went away,
protesting, that he would declare his cause in the hearing of a
wiser Judge. And Maso forbearing to tugge his Gowne any longer, in his
departing, said. Fare you well Sir, you are not worthy to be a
Magistrate, if you have no more regard of your honour and honesty, but
will put off poore mens suites at your pleasure. So both went severall
wayes, and soone were gone out of publike view.
The worshipfull Judge Messer Niccolao stood all this while on the
ground; and, in presence of all the beholders, trussed up his
Breeches, as if-hee were new risen out of his bed: when better
bethinking himselfe on the matters indifference, he called for the two
men, who contended for the drawing stockings and the Cloake-bag; but
no one could tell what was become of them. Whereupon, he rapt out a
kinde of Judges oath, saying: I will know whether it be Law or no
heere in Florence, to make a Judge sit bare Breecht on the Bench of
Justice, and in the hearing of criminall Causes; whereat the chiefe
Potestate, and all the standers by laughed heartily.
Within fewe dayes after, he was informed by some of his especiall
Friends, that this had never happened to him, but onely to testifie,
how understanding the Florentines are, in their ancient
constitutions and customes, to embrace, love and honour, honest,
discreet worthy Judges and Magistrates; Whereas on the contrary,
they as much condemne miserable knaves, fooles, and dolts, who never
merit to have any better entertainment. Wherefore, it would be best
for him, to make no more enquiry after the parties; lest a worse
inconvenience should happen to him.
THE EIGHT DAY, THE SIXT NOVELL
WHEREIN IS DECLARED, HOW EASILY A PLAINE AND SIMPLE MAN MAY BE
MADE A FOOLE, WHEN HE DEALETH WITH CRAFTY COMPANIONS.
Bruno and Buffalmaco, did steale a young Brawne from Calandrino, and
for his recovery thereof, they used a kinde of pretended
conjuration, with Pilles made of Ginger and strong Malmesey. But
instead of this application, they on, they gave him two Pilles of a
Dogges Dates, or Dowsets, confected in Alloes, which he received
each after the other by meanes whereof they made him beleeve, that hee
had robde himselfe. And for feare they should report this theft to his
Wife; they made him to goe buy another Brawne.
Philostratus had no sooner concluded his Novell, and the whole
Assembly laughed Madame thereat: but the Queen gave command to
Madame Philomena, that shee should follow next in order; whereupon
thus shee began. Worthy Ladies, as Philostratus, by calling to memorie
the name of Maso del Saggio, hath contented you with another merry
Novell concerning him: In the same manner must I intreat you, to
remember once againe Calandrino and his subtle by a pretty tale
which I meane to tell ow, and in what manner they were revenged on
him, for going to seeke the invisible Stone.
Needlesse were any fresh relation to you, what manner of people
those three men were, Calandrino, Bruno, and Buffalmaco, because
already you have had sufficient understanding of them. And
therefore, as an induction to my discourse, I must tell you, that
Calandrino had a small Country-house, in a Village some-what neere
to Florence, which came to him by the marriage of his Wife. Amon other
Cattle and Poultry, which he kept there in store, hee had a young
Boare readie fatted for Brawne, whereof yearly he used to kill one for
his owne provision; and alwaies in the month of December, he and his
wife resorted to their village house, to have a Brawne both killed and
salted.
It came to passe at this time concerning my Tale, that the Woman
being somewhat crazie and sickly, by her Husbands unkinde usage,
whereof you heard so lately; Calandrino went alone to the killing of
his Boare, which comming to the hearing of Bruno and Buffalmaco and
that the Woman could by no meanes be there: to passe away the time a
little in merriment, they went to a friendlie Companion of theirs,
an honest joviall Priest, dwelling not farre off from Calandrinoes
Countrey house.
The same morning as the Boare was kilde, they all three went
thither, and Calandrino seeing them in the Priests companie: bad
them all heartily welcome; and to acquaint them with his good
Husbandry, hee shewed them his house, and the Boare where it hung.
They perceyving it to be faire and fat, knowing also, that
Calandrino intended to salt it for his owne store, Bruno saide unto
him: Thou art an Asse Calandrino, sell thy Brawne, and let us make
merrie with the money: then let thy wife know no otherwise, but that
it was stolne from thee, by those theeves which continually haunt
country houses, especially in such scattering Villages.
Oh mine honest friends, answered Calandrino, your counsell is not to
be followed, neither is my wife so easie to be perswaded: this wer the
readiest way to make your house a hell, and she to become the Master
Divell: therefore talke no further, for flatly I will not doe it.
Albeit they laboured him very earnestly, yet all proved not to anie
purpose: onely he desired them to suppe with him, but in so colde a
manner, as they denyed him, and parted thence from him. As they walked
on the way, Bruno saide to Buffalmaco. Shall we three (this night) rob
him of his Brawne? Yea marry (quoth Buffalmaco) how is it to be
done? I have (saide Bruno) alreadie found the meanes to effect it,
if he take it not from the place where last we saw it. Let us doe it
then (answered Buffalmaco) why should we not do it? Sir Domine heere
and we, will make good cheare with it among our selves. The nimble
Priest was as forward as the best; and the match being fully agreed
on, Bruno thus spake. My delicate Sir Domine, Art and cunning must
be our maine helps: for thou knowest Buffalmaco, what a covetous
wretch Calandrino is, glad and readie to drink alwaies on other mens
expences: let us go take him with us to the Tavern, where the Priest
(for his owne honour and reputation) shall offer to make paiment of
the whole reckoning, without receiving a farthing of his, whereof he
will not be a little joyfull, so shall we bring to passe the rest of
the businesse, because there is no body in the house, but onely
himselfe: for he is best at ease without company.
As Bruno had propounded, so was it accordingly performed, and when
Calandrino perceyved, that the Priest would suffer none to pay, but
himselfe, he dranke the more freely; and when there was no neede at
all, tooke his Cuppes couragiously one after another. Two or three
houres of the night were spent, before they parted from the Taverne,
Calandrino going directly home to his house, and instantly to bed,
without any other supper, imagining that he had made fast his doore,
which (indeede) he left wide open: sleeping soundly, without suspition
of any harme intended unto him. Buffalmaco and Bruno went and supt
with the Priest, and so soone as supper was ended, they tooke certaine
Engines, for their better entering into Calandrinoes house, and so
went on to effect theyr purpose. Finding the doore standing readie
open, they entered in, tooke the Brawne, carried it with them to the
Priests house, and afterward went all to bed.
When Calandrino had well slept after his Wine, he arose in the
morning, and being descended downe the staires; finding the street
doore wide open, he looked for the Brawne, but it was gone.
Enquiring of the neighbours dwelling neere about him, hee could
heare no tydings of his Brawne, but became the wofullest man in the
world, telling every one that his Brawne was stolne. Bruno and
Buffalmaco being risen in the morning, they went to visite
Calandrino to heare how he tooke the losse of his Brawne: and hee no
sooner had a sight of them, but he called them to him; and with the
teares running downe his cheekes, sayde: Ah my deare friendes, I am
robde of my Brawne. Bruno stepping closely to him, sayde in his
eare: It is wonderfull, that once in thy life time thou canst bee
wise. How? answered Calandrino, I speake to you in good earnest.
Speake so still in earnest (replied Bruno) and cry it out so loud as
thou canst, then let who list beleeve it to be true.
Calandrino stampt and fretted exceedingly, saying: As I am a true
man to God, my Prince, and Countrey, I tell thee truly, that my Brawne
is stolne. Say so still I bid thee (answered Bruno) and let all the
world beleeve thee, if they list to do so, for I will not. Wouldst
thou (quoth Calandrino) have me damne my selfe to the divell? I see
thou dost not credit what I say: but would I were hanged by the necke,
if it be not true, that my Brawne is stolne. How can it possible be,
