replyed Bruno? Did not I see it in thy house yesternight? Wouldst thou
have me beleeve, that it is flowne away? Although it is not flowne
away (quoth Calandrino) yet I am certain, that it is stolne away:
for which I am weary of my life, because I dare not go home to mine
owne house, in regard my wife will never beleeve it; and yet if she
should credite it, we are sure to have no peace for a twelve months
space.
Bruno, seeming as if he were more then halfe sorrowfull, yet
supporting still his former jesting humor, saide: Now trust mee
Calandrino, if it be so; they that did it are much too blame. If it be
so? answered Calandrino, Belike thou wouldst have mee blaspheme
Heaven, and all the Saints therein: I tell thee once againe Bruno,
that this last night my Brawne was stolne. Be patient good Calandrino,
replyed Buffalmaco, and if thy Brawne be stolne from thee, there are
means enow to get it againe. Meanes enow to get it againe? said
Calandrino, I would faine heare one likely one, and let all the rest
go by. I am sure Calandrino, answered Buffalmaco, thou art verily
perswaded, that no Theefe came from India, to steale thy Brawne from
thee: in which respect, it must needes then be some of thy Neighbours:
whom if thou couldst lovingly assemble together, I knowe an experiment
to be made with Bread and Cheese, whereby the party that hath it, will
quickly be discovered.
I have heard (quoth Bruno) of such an experiment, and helde it to be
infallible; but it extendeth onely unto persons of Gentilitie, whereof
there are but few dwelling heere about, and in the case of stealing
a Brawne, it is doubtfull to invite them, neither can there be any
certainty of their comming. I confesse what you say, aunswered
Buffalmaco, to be very true: but then in this matter, so nerely
concerning us to be done, and for a deare Friend, what is your advice?
I would have Pilles made of Ginger, compounded with your best and
strongest Malmsey, then let the ordinary sort of people be invited
(for such onely are most to be mistrusted) and they will not faile
to come, because they are utterly ignorant of our intention.
Besides, the Pilles may as well bee hallowed and consecrated, as bread
and cheese on the like occasion. Indeede you say true (replyed
Buffalmaco) but what is the opinion of Calandrino? Is he willing to
have this tryall made, or no? Yes, by all meanes, answered Calandrino,
for gladly I would know who hath stolne my Brawne; and your good words
have (more then halfe) comforted me already in this case.
Well then (quoth Bruno) I will take the paines to go to Florence, to
provide all things necessarie for this secret service; but I must
bee furnished with money to effect it. Calandrino had some forty
shillings then about him, which he delivered to Bruno, who presently
went to Florence, to a frend of his an Apothecarie, of whom he
bought a pound of white Ginger, which hee caused him to make uppe in
small Pilles: and two other beside of a Dogges-dates or Dowsets,
confected all over with strong Aloes, yet well moulded in Sugare, as
all the rest were: and because they should the more easily bee
knowne from the other, they were spotted with Gold, in verie formall
and Physicall manner. He bought moreover, a big Flaggon of the best
Malmesey, returning backe with all these things to Calandrino, and
directing him in this order.
You must put some friend in trust, to invite your Neighbors
(especially such as you suspect) to a breakfast in the morning: and
because it is done as a feast in kindnesse, they will come to you
the more willingly. This night will I and Buffalmaco take such
order, that the Pilles shall have the charge imposed on them, and then
wee will bring them hither againe in the morning: and I, my selfe (for
your sake) will deliver them to your guests, and performe whatsoever
is to bee sayde or done. On the next morning, a goodly company being
assembled, under a faire Elme before the Church; as well young
Florentynes (who purposely came to make themselves merry) as
neighbouring Husbandmen of the Village: Bruno was to begin the
service, with the Pils in a faire Cup, and Buffalmaco followed him
with another Cup, to deliver the wine out of the Flaggon, all the
company beeing set round, as in a circle; and Bruno with Buffalmaco
being in the midst of them, Bruno thus spake.
Honest friends, it is fit that I should acquaint you with the
occasion, why we are thus met together, and in this place: because
if anie thing may seeme offensive to you; afterward you shall make
no complaint of me. From Calandrino (our loving friend heere
present) yesternight there was a new-kild fat Brawne taken, but who
hath done the deede, as yet he knoweth not; and because none other,
but some one (or more) heere among us, must needs offend in this case:
he, desiring to understand who they be, would have each man to receive
one of these Pilles, and afterward to drinke of this Wine; assuring
you all, that whosoever stole the Brawne hence, cannot be able to
swallow the Pill: for it wil be so extreme bitter in his mouth, as
it will enforce him to Coughe and spet extraordinarily. In which
respect, before such a notorious shame be received, and in so goodly
an assembly, as now are heere present: it were much better for him
or them that have the Brawne, to confesse it in private to this honest
Priest, and I will abstaine from urging anie such publike proofe.
Every one there present answered, that they were well contented both
to eate and drinke, and let the shame fall where it deserved;
whereupon, Bruno appointing them how they should sit, and placing
Calandrino as one among them: he began his counterfeite exorcisme,
giving each man a Pill, and Buffalmaco a Cup of Wine after it. But
when he came to Calandrino, hee tooke one of them which was made of
the Dogges dates or Dowsets, and delivering it into his hand,
presently hee put it into his mouth and chewed it. So soone as his
tongue tasted the bitter Aloes, he began to coughe and spet extreamly,
as being utterly unable, to endure the bitternesse and noysome
smell. The other men that had receyved the Pils, beganne to gaze one
upon another, to see whose behaviour should discover him; and Bruno
having not (as yet) delivered Pils to them all, proceeded on still
in his businesse, as seeming not to heare any coughing, till one
behinde him, saide. What meaneth Calandrino by this spetting and
coughing?
Bruno sodainely turning him about, and seeing Calandrino to cough
and spet in such sort, saide to the rest. Be not too rash (honest
Friends) in judging of any man, some other matter (then the Pille) may
procure this Coughing, wherfore he shall receive another, the better
to cleare your beleefe concerning him. He having put the second
prepared Pill into his mouth, while Bruno went to serve the rest of
the Guests: if the first was exceeding bitter to his taste, this other
made it a great deale worse, for teares streamed forth of his eyes
as bigge as Cherry-stones, and champing and chewing the Pill, as
hoping it would overcome his coughing; he coughed and spette the
more violently, and in grosser manner then he did before, nor did they
give him any wine to helpe it.
Buffalmaco, Bruno, and the whole company, perceiving how he
continued still his coughing and spetting, saide all with one voyce,
That Calandrino was the Theefe to him selfe: and gave him manie grosse
speeches beside, all departing home unto their houses, very much
displeased and angry with him. After they were gone, none remained
with him but the Priest, Bruno and Buffalmaco, who thus spake to
Calandrino. I did ever thinke, that thou wast the theefe thy selfe,
yet thou imputedst thy robbery to some other, for feare we should once
drinke freely of thy purse, as thou hast done many times of ours.
Calandrino, who had not yet ended his coughing and spetting, sware
many bitter Oathes, that his Brawne was stolne from him. Talke so long
as thou wilt, quoth Buffalmaco, thy knavery is both knowne and
seene, and well thou mayst be ashamed of thy selfe. Calandrino hearing
this, grew desperately angry; and to incense him more, Bruno thus
pursued the matter.
Heare me Calandrino, for I speake to thee in honest earnest, there
was a man in the company, who did eate and drinke heere among thy
neighbours, and plainly told me, that thou keptst a young Lad heere to
do thee service, feeding him with such victuals as thou couldst spare,
by him thou didst send away thy Brawne, to one that bought it of
thee for foure Crownes, onely to cousen thy poore wife and us. Canst
thou not yet learne to leave thy mocking and scorning? Thou hast
forgotte, how thou broughtst us to the plaine of Mugnone, to seeke for
black invisible stones: which having found, thou concealedst them to
thy selfe, stealing home invisibly before us, and making us follow
like fooles after thee.
Now likewise, by horrible lying Oathes, and perjured
protestations, thou wouldst make us beleeve, that the Brawne (which
thou hast cunningly sold for ready money) was stolne from thee out
of thy house, when thou art onely the Theefe to thy selfe, as by
that excellent rule of Art (which never faileth) hath plainly, to
thy shame, appeared. Wee being so well acquainted with thy
delusions, and knowing them perfectly; now do plainly tell thee,
that we mean not to be foold any more. Nor is it unknowne to thee,
what paines wee have taken, in making this singular peece of proofe.
Wherefore we inflict this punishment on thee, that thou shalt bestow
on this honest Priest and us, two couple of Capons, and a Flaggon of
Wine, or else we will discover this knavery of thine to thy Wife.
Calandrino perceiving, that all his protestations could winne no
credit with them, who had now the Law remaining in their owne hands,
and purposed to deale with him as they pleased: apparantly saw, that
sighing and sorrow did nothing availe him. Moreover, to fall into
his wives tempestuous stormes of chiding, would bee worse to him
then racking or torturing: he gladly therefore gave them money, to buy
the two couple of Capons and Wine, being heartily contented
likewise, that hee was so well delivered from them. So the merry
Priest, Bruno, and Buffalmaco, having taken good order for salting the
Brawne; closely carried it with them to Florence, leaving Calandrino
to complaine of his losse, and well requited, for mocking them with
the invisible stones.
THE EIGHT DAY, THE SEVENTH NOVELL
SERVING AS AN ADMONITION TO ALL LADIES AND GENTLEWOMEN, NOT TO
MOCK OR SCORNE GENTLEMEN-SCHOLLERS, WHEN THEY MAKE MEANES OF
LOVE TO THEM: EXCEPT THEY INTEND TO SEEKE THEIR OWNE
SHAME, BY DISGRACING THEM
A young Gentleman being a Scholler, fell in love with a Ladie, named
Helena, she being a Widdow, and addicted in affection to another
Gentleman. One whole night in cold Winter, she caused the Scholler
to expect her comming, in an extreame frost and snow. In revenge
whereof, by his imagined Art and skill, he made her to stand naked
on the top of a Tower, the space of a whole day, and in the hot moneth
of July, to be Sunburnt and bitten with Waspes and Flies.
Greatly did the Ladies commend Madame Philomenaes Novell, laughing
heartily at poore Calandrino, yet grieving withall, that he should
be so knavishly cheated, not onely of his Brawne, but two couple of
Capons, and a Flaggon of Wine beside. But the whole discourse being
ended; the Queene commanded Madame Pampinea, to follow next with her
Novell, and presently she thus began. It hapneth oftentimes (bright
beauties) that mockery falleth on him, that intended the same unto
another: And there. fore I am of opinion, that there is very litle
wisedom declared on him or her, who taketh delight in mocking any
person. must needs confesse, that we have smiled at many mockeries and
deceits, related in those excellent Novels, which we have already
heard: without any due revenge returned, but onely in this last of
silly Calandrino. Wherefore, it is now my determination, to urge a
kind of compassionate apprehension, upon a very just retribution,
happening to a Gentlewoman of our Citie, because her scorne fell
deservedly upon her selfe, remaining mocked, and to the perill of
her life. Let Me then assure you, that your diligent attention may
redound to your benefit, because if you keepe your selves
(henceforward) from being scorned by others: you shall expresse the
greater wisedome, and be the better warned by their mishaps.
As yet there are not many yeares overpast, since there dwelt in
Florence, a yong Lady, descended of Noble parentage, very
beautifull, of sprightly courage, and sufficiently abounding in the
goods of Fortune, she being named Madame Helena. Her delight was to
live in the estate of Widdowhood, desiring to match her selfe no
more in marriage, because she bare affection to a gallant young
Gentleman, whom she had made her private election of, and with whom
(having excluded all other amorous cares and cogitations) by meanes of
her Waitingwoman, she had divers meetings, and kinde conferences.
It chanced at the verie same time, another young Gentleman of our
Citie, called Reniero, having long studied in the Schooles at Paris,
returned home to Florence, not to make sale of his Learning and
experience, as many doe: but to understand the reason of things, as
also the causes and effects of them, which is mervailously fitting for
any Gentleman. Being greatly honoured and esteemed of every one, as
well for his courteous carriage towards all in generall, as for his
knowledge and excellent parts: he lived more like a familiar
Citizen, then in the nature of a Courtly Gentleman, albeit he was
choisely respected in either estate.
But, as oftentimes it commeth to passe, that such as are endued with
the best judgement and understanding in naturall occasions, are
soonest caught and intangled in the snares of Love: so fel it out with
our Scholler Reniero, who being invited to a solemne Feast, in company
of other his especiall Friends; this Lady Helena, attyred in her
