第 86 页

it were well indeed for some hearts if this were so, I explained that

I begged leave to restrict the observation to mortals of the masculine

gender.

I then put it to Miss Mills, to say whether she considered that there

was or was not any practical merit in the suggestion I had been anxious

to make, concerning the accounts, the housekeeping, and the Cookery

Book?

Miss Mills, after some consideration, thus replied:

‘Mr. Copperfield, I will be plain with you. Mental suffering and trial

supply, in some natures, the place of years, and I will be as plain with

you as if I were a Lady Abbess. No. The suggestion is not appropriate

to our Dora. Our dearest Dora is a favourite child of nature. She is a

thing of light, and airiness, and joy. I am free to confess that if it

could be done, it might be well, but--’ And Miss Mills shook her head.

I was encouraged by this closing admission on the part of Miss Mills to

ask her, whether, for Dora’s sake, if she had any opportunity of luring

her attention to such preparations for an earnest life, she would avail

herself of it? Miss Mills replied in the affirmative so readily, that I

further asked her if she would take charge of the Cookery Book; and, if

she ever could insinuate it upon Dora’s acceptance, without frightening

her, undertake to do me that crowning service. Miss Mills accepted this

trust, too; but was not sanguine.

And Dora returned, looking such a lovely little creature, that I really

doubted whether she ought to be troubled with anything so ordinary. And

she loved me so much, and was so captivating (particularly when she made

Jip stand on his hind legs for toast, and when she pretended to hold

that nose of his against the hot teapot for punishment because he

wouldn’t), that I felt like a sort of Monster who had got into a Fairy’s

bower, when I thought of having frightened her, and made her cry.

After tea we had the guitar; and Dora sang those same dear old French

songs about the impossibility of ever on any account leaving off

dancing, La ra la, La ra la, until I felt a much greater Monster than

before.

We had only one check to our pleasure, and that happened a little while

before I took my leave, when, Miss Mills chancing to make some allusion

to tomorrow morning, I unluckily let out that, being obliged to exert

myself now, I got up at five o’clock. Whether Dora had any idea that

I was a Private Watchman, I am unable to say; but it made a great

impression on her, and she neither played nor sang any more.

It was still on her mind when I bade her adieu; and she said to me, in

her pretty coaxing way--as if I were a doll, I used to think:

‘Now don’t get up at five o’clock, you naughty boy. It’s so

nonsensical!’

‘My love,’ said I, ‘I have work to do.’

‘But don’t do it!’ returned Dora. ‘Why should you?’

It was impossible to say to that sweet little surprised face, otherwise

than lightly and playfully, that we must work to live.

‘Oh! How ridiculous!’ cried Dora.

‘How shall we live without, Dora?’ said I.

‘How? Any how!’ said Dora.

She seemed to think she had quite settled the question, and gave me such

a triumphant little kiss, direct from her innocent heart, that I would

hardly have put her out of conceit with her answer, for a fortune.

Well! I loved her, and I went on loving her, most absorbingly, entirely,

and completely. But going on, too, working pretty hard, and busily

keeping red-hot all the irons I now had in the fire, I would sit

sometimes of a night, opposite my aunt, thinking how I had frightened

Dora that time, and how I could best make my way with a guitar-case

through the forest of difficulty, until I used to fancy that my head was

turning quite grey.

CHAPTER 38. A DISSOLUTION OF PARTNERSHIP

I did not allow my resolution, with respect to the Parliamentary

Debates, to cool. It was one of the irons I began to heat immediately,

and one of the irons I kept hot, and hammered at, with a perseverance

I may honestly admire. I bought an approved scheme of the noble art and

mystery of stenography (which cost me ten and sixpence); and plunged

into a sea of perplexity that brought me, in a few weeks, to the

confines of distraction. The changes that were rung upon dots, which

in such a position meant such a thing, and in such another position

something else, entirely different; the wonderful vagaries that were

played by circles; the unaccountable consequences that resulted from

marks like flies’ legs; the tremendous effects of a curve in a wrong

place; not only troubled my waking hours, but reappeared before me in

my sleep. When I had groped my way, blindly, through these difficulties,

and had mastered the alphabet, which was an Egyptian Temple in itself,

there then appeared a procession of new horrors, called arbitrary

characters; the most despotic characters I have ever known; who

insisted, for instance, that a thing like the beginning of a cobweb,

meant expectation, and that a pen-and-ink sky-rocket, stood for

disadvantageous. When I had fixed these wretches in my mind, I found

that they had driven everything else out of it; then, beginning again, I

forgot them; while I was picking them up, I dropped the other fragments

of the system; in short, it was almost heart-breaking.

It might have been quite heart-breaking, but for Dora, who was the stay

and anchor of my tempest-driven bark. Every scratch in the scheme was

a gnarled oak in the forest of difficulty, and I went on cutting them

down, one after another, with such vigour, that in three or four months

I was in a condition to make an experiment on one of our crack speakers

in the Commons. Shall I ever forget how the crack speaker walked off

from me before I began, and left my imbecile pencil staggering about the

paper as if it were in a fit!

This would not do, it was quite clear. I was flying too high, and should

never get on, so. I resorted to Traddles for advice; who suggested

that he should dictate speeches to me, at a pace, and with occasional

stoppages, adapted to my weakness. Very grateful for this friendly aid,

I accepted the proposal; and night after night, almost every night, for

a long time, we had a sort of Private Parliament in Buckingham Street,

after I came home from the Doctor’s.

I should like to see such a Parliament anywhere else! My aunt and Mr.

Dick represented the Government or the Opposition (as the case might

be), and Traddles, with the assistance of Enfield’s Speakers, or a

volume of parliamentary orations, thundered astonishing invectives

against them. Standing by the table, with his finger in the page to keep

the place, and his right arm flourishing above his head, Traddles, as

Mr. Pitt, Mr. Fox, Mr. Sheridan, Mr. Burke, Lord Castlereagh, Viscount

Sidmouth, or Mr. Canning, would work himself into the most violent

heats, and deliver the most withering denunciations of the profligacy

and corruption of my aunt and Mr. Dick; while I used to sit, at a little

distance, with my notebook on my knee, fagging after him with all my

might and main. The inconsistency and recklessness of Traddles were not

to be exceeded by any real politician. He was for any description of

policy, in the compass of a week; and nailed all sorts of colours to

every denomination of mast. My aunt, looking very like an immovable

Chancellor of the Exchequer, would occasionally throw in an interruption

or two, as ‘Hear!’ or ‘No!’ or ‘Oh!’ when the text seemed to require it:

which was always a signal to Mr. Dick (a perfect country gentleman)

to follow lustily with the same cry. But Mr. Dick got taxed with

such things in the course of his Parliamentary career, and was made

responsible for such awful consequences, that he became uncomfortable in

his mind sometimes. I believe he actually began to be afraid he really

had been doing something, tending to the annihilation of the British

constitution, and the ruin of the country.

Often and often we pursued these debates until the clock pointed to

midnight, and the candles were burning down. The result of so much good

practice was, that by and by I began to keep pace with Traddles pretty

well, and should have been quite triumphant if I had had the least idea

what my notes were about. But, as to reading them after I had got them,

I might as well have copied the Chinese inscriptions of an immense

collection of tea-chests, or the golden characters on all the great red

and green bottles in the chemists’ shops!

There was nothing for it, but to turn back and begin all over again. It

was very hard, but I turned back, though with a heavy heart, and began

laboriously and methodically to plod over the same tedious ground at a

snail’s pace; stopping to examine minutely every speck in the way, on

all sides, and making the most desperate efforts to know these elusive

characters by sight wherever I met them. I was always punctual at

the office; at the Doctor’s too: and I really did work, as the common

expression is, like a cart-horse. One day, when I went to the Commons as

usual, I found Mr. Spenlow in the doorway looking extremely grave, and

talking to himself. As he was in the habit of complaining of pains in

his head--he had naturally a short throat, and I do seriously believe

he over-starched himself--I was at first alarmed by the idea that he was

not quite right in that direction; but he soon relieved my uneasiness.

Instead of returning my ‘Good morning’ with his usual affability, he

looked at me in a distant, ceremonious manner, and coldly requested me

to accompany him to a certain coffee-house, which, in those days, had

a door opening into the Commons, just within the little archway in St.

Paul’s Churchyard. I complied, in a very uncomfortable state, and with a

warm shooting all over me, as if my apprehensions were breaking out into

buds. When I allowed him to go on a little before, on account of the

narrowness of the way, I observed that he carried his head with a lofty

air that was particularly unpromising; and my mind misgave me that he

had found out about my darling Dora.

If I had not guessed this, on the way to the coffee-house, I could

hardly have failed to know what was the matter when I followed him

into an upstairs room, and found Miss Murdstone there, supported by

a background of sideboard, on which were several inverted tumblers

sustaining lemons, and two of those extraordinary boxes, all corners and

flutings, for sticking knives and forks in, which, happily for mankind,

are now obsolete.

Miss Murdstone gave me her chilly finger-nails, and sat severely rigid.

Mr. Spenlow shut the door, motioned me to a chair, and stood on the

hearth-rug in front of the fireplace.

‘Have the goodness to show Mr. Copperfield,’ said Mr. Spenlow, what you

have in your reticule, Miss Murdstone.’

I believe it was the old identical steel-clasped reticule of my

childhood, that shut up like a bite. Compressing her lips, in sympathy

with the snap, Miss Murdstone opened it--opening her mouth a little

at the same time--and produced my last letter to Dora, teeming with

expressions of devoted affection.

‘I believe that is your writing, Mr. Copperfield?’ said Mr. Spenlow.

I was very hot, and the voice I heard was very unlike mine, when I said,

‘It is, sir!’

‘If I am not mistaken,’ said Mr. Spenlow, as Miss Murdstone brought a

parcel of letters out of her reticule, tied round with the dearest bit

of blue ribbon, ‘those are also from your pen, Mr. Copperfield?’

I took them from her with a most desolate sensation; and, glancing at

such phrases at the top, as ‘My ever dearest and own Dora,’ ‘My best

beloved angel,’ ‘My blessed one for ever,’ and the like, blushed deeply,

and inclined my head.

‘No, thank you!’ said Mr. Spenlow, coldly, as I mechanically offered

them back to him. ‘I will not deprive you of them. Miss Murdstone, be so

good as to proceed!’

That gentle creature, after a moment’s thoughtful survey of the carpet,

delivered herself with much dry unction as follows.

‘I must confess to having entertained my suspicions of Miss Spenlow, in

reference to David Copperfield, for some time. I observed Miss Spenlow

and David Copperfield, when they first met; and the impression made upon

me then was not agreeable. The depravity of the human heart is such--’

‘You will oblige me, ma’am,’ interrupted Mr. Spenlow, ‘by confining

yourself to facts.’

Miss Murdstone cast down her eyes, shook her head as if protesting

against this unseemly interruption, and with frowning dignity resumed:

‘Since I am to confine myself to facts, I will state them as dryly as I

can. Perhaps that will be considered an acceptable course of proceeding.

I have already said, sir, that I have had my suspicions of Miss Spenlow,

in reference to David Copperfield, for some time. I have frequently

endeavoured to find decisive corroboration of those suspicions, but

without effect. I have therefore forborne to mention them to Miss

Spenlow’s father’; looking severely at him--‘knowing how little

disposition there usually is in such cases, to acknowledge the

conscientious discharge of duty.’

Mr. Spenlow seemed quite cowed by the gentlemanly sternness of Miss

Murdstone’s manner, and deprecated her severity with a conciliatory

little wave of his hand.

‘On my return to Norwood, after the period of absence occasioned by my

brother’s marriage,’ pursued Miss Murdstone in a disdainful voice, ‘and

on the return of Miss Spenlow from her visit to her friend Miss Mills,

I imagined that the manner of Miss Spenlow gave me greater occasion for

suspicion than before. Therefore I watched Miss Spenlow closely.’

Dear, tender little Dora, so unconscious of this Dragon’s eye!

‘Still,’ resumed Miss Murdstone, ‘I found no proof until last night.

It appeared to me that Miss Spenlow received too many letters from her

friend Miss Mills; but Miss Mills being her friend with her father’s

full concurrence,’ another telling blow at Mr. Spenlow, ‘it was not

for me to interfere. If I may not be permitted to allude to the natural

depravity of the human heart, at least I may--I must--be permitted, so

far to refer to misplaced confidence.’

Mr. Spenlow apologetically murmured his assent.