第 42 页

his position, one by one, upon his fingers; 'Fred, who, I could have

taken my affidavit, would not have heard of such a thing, backs Quilp

to my astonishment, and urges me to take it also--staggerer, number

one! My aunt in the country stops the supplies, and writes an

affectionate note to say that she has made a new will, and left me out

of it--staggerer, number two. No money; no credit; no support from

Fred, who seems to turn steady all at once; notice to quit the old

lodgings--staggerers, three, four, five, and six! Under an

accumulation of staggerers, no man can be considered a free agent. No

man knocks himself down; if his destiny knocks him down, his destiny

must pick him up again. Then I'm very glad that mine has brought all

this upon itself, and I shall be as careless as I can, and make myself

quite at home to spite it. So go on my buck,' said Mr Swiveller,

taking his leave of the ceiling with a significant nod, 'and let us see

which of us will be tired first!'

Dismissing the subject of his downfall with these reflections, which

were no doubt very profound, and are indeed not altogether unknown in

certain systems of moral philosophy, Mr Swiveller shook off his

despondency and assumed the cheerful ease of an irresponsible clerk.

As a means towards his composure and self-possession, he entered into a

more minute examination of the office than he had yet had time to make;

looked into the wig-box, the books, and ink-bottle; untied and

inspected all the papers; carved a few devices on the table with a

sharp blade of Mr Brass's penknife; and wrote his name on the inside of

the wooden coal-scuttle. Having, as it were, taken formal possession

of his clerkship in virtue of these proceedings, he opened the window

and leaned negligently out of it until a beer-boy happened to pass,

whom he commanded to set down his tray and to serve him with a pint of

mild porter, which he drank upon the spot and promptly paid for, with

the view of breaking ground for a system of future credit and opening a

correspondence tending thereto, without loss of time. Then, three or

four little boys dropped in, on legal errands from three or four

attorneys of the Brass grade: whom Mr Swiveller received and dismissed

with about as professional a manner, and as correct and comprehensive

an understanding of their business, as would have been shown by a clown

in a pantomime under similar circumstances. These things done and

over, he got upon his stool again and tried his hand at drawing

caricatures of Miss Brass with a pen and ink, whistling very cheerfully

all the time.

He was occupied in this diversion when a coach stopped near the door,

and presently afterwards there was a loud double-knock. As this was no

business of Mr Swiveller's, the person not ringing the office bell, he

pursued his diversion with perfect composure, notwithstanding that he

rather thought there was nobody else in the house.

In this, however, he was mistaken; for, after the knock had been

repeated with increased impatience, the door was opened, and somebody

with a very heavy tread went up the stairs and into the room above. Mr

Swiveller was wondering whether this might be another Miss Brass, twin

sister to the Dragon, when there came a rapping of knuckles at the

office door.

'Come in!' said Dick. 'Don't stand upon ceremony. The business will

get rather complicated if I've many more customers. Come in!'

'Oh, please,' said a little voice very low down in the doorway, 'will

you come and show the lodgings?'

Dick leant over the table, and descried a small slipshod girl in a

dirty coarse apron and bib, which left nothing of her visible but her

face and feet. She might as well have been dressed in a violin-case.

'Why, who are you?' said Dick.

To which the only reply was, 'Oh, please will you come and show the

lodgings?'

There never was such an old-fashioned child in her looks and manner.

She must have been at work from her cradle. She seemed as much afraid

of Dick, as Dick was amazed at her.

'I hav'n't got anything to do with the lodgings,' said Dick. 'Tell 'em

to call again.'

'Oh, but please will you come and show the lodgings,' returned the

girl; 'It's eighteen shillings a week and us finding plate and linen.

Boots and clothes is extra, and fires in winter-time is eightpence a

day.'

'Why don't you show 'em yourself? You seem to know all about 'em,'

said Dick.

'Miss Sally said I wasn't to, because people wouldn't believe the

attendance was good if they saw how small I was first.'

'Well, but they'll see how small you are afterwards, won't they?' said

Dick.

'Ah! But then they'll have taken 'em for a fortnight certain,' replied

the child with a shrewd look; 'and people don't like moving when

they're once settled.'

'This is a queer sort of thing,' muttered Dick, rising. 'What do you

mean to say you are--the cook?'

'Yes, I do plain cooking;' replied the child. 'I'm housemaid too; I do

all the work of the house.'

'I suppose Brass and the Dragon and I do the dirtiest part of it,'

thought Dick. And he might have thought much more, being in a doubtful

and hesitating mood, but that the girl again urged her request, and

certain mysterious bumping sounds on the passage and staircase seemed

to give note of the applicant's impatience. Richard Swiveller,

therefore, sticking a pen behind each ear, and carrying another in his

mouth as a token of his great importance and devotion to business,

hurried out to meet and treat with the single gentleman.

He was a little surprised to perceive that the bumping sounds were

occasioned by the progress up-stairs of the single gentleman's trunk,

which, being nearly twice as wide as the staircase, and exceedingly

heavy withal, it was no easy matter for the united exertions of the

single gentleman and the coachman to convey up the steep ascent. But

there they were, crushing each other, and pushing and pulling with all

their might, and getting the trunk tight and fast in all kinds of

impossible angles, and to pass them was out of the question; for which

sufficient reason, Mr Swiveller followed slowly behind, entering a new

protest on every stair against the house of Mr Sampson Brass being thus

taken by storm.

To these remonstrances, the single gentleman answered not a word, but

when the trunk was at last got into the bed-room, sat down upon it and

wiped his bald head and face with his handkerchief. He was very warm,

and well he might be; for, not to mention the exertion of getting the

trunk up stairs, he was closely muffled in winter garments, though the

thermometer had stood all day at eighty-one in the shade.

'I believe, sir,' said Richard Swiveller, taking his pen out of his

mouth, 'that you desire to look at these apartments. They are very

charming apartments, sir. They command an uninterrupted view of--of

over the way, and they are within one minute's walk of--of the corner

of the street. There is exceedingly mild porter, sir, in the immediate

vicinity, and the contingent advantages are extraordinary.'

'What's the rent?' said the single gentleman.

'One pound per week,' replied Dick, improving on the terms.

'I'll take 'em.'

'The boots and clothes are extras,' said Dick; 'and the fires in winter

time are--'

'Are all agreed to,' answered the single gentleman.

'Two weeks certain,' said Dick, 'are the--'

'Two weeks!' cried the single gentleman gruffly, eyeing him from top to

toe. 'Two years. I shall live here for two years. Here. Ten pounds

down. The bargain's made.'

'Why you see,' said Dick, 'my name is not Brass, and--'

'Who said it was? My name's not Brass. What then?'

'The name of the master of the house is,' said Dick.

'I'm glad of it,' returned the single gentleman; 'it's a good name for

a lawyer. Coachman, you may go. So may you, Sir.'

Mr Swiveller was so much confounded by the single gentleman riding

roughshod over him at this rate, that he stood looking at him almost as

hard as he had looked at Miss Sally. The single gentleman, however,

was not in the slightest degree affected by this circumstance, but

proceeded with perfect composure to unwind the shawl which was tied

round his neck, and then to pull off his boots. Freed of these

encumbrances, he went on to divest himself of his other clothing, which

he folded up, piece by piece, and ranged in order on the trunk. Then,

he pulled down the window-blinds, drew the curtains, wound up his

watch, and, quite leisurely and methodically, got into bed.

'Take down the bill,' were his parting words, as he looked out from

between the curtains; 'and let nobody call me till I ring the bell.'

With that the curtains closed, and he seemed to snore immediately.

'This is a most remarkable and supernatural sort of house!' said Mr

Swiveller, as he walked into the office with the bill in his hand.

'She-dragons in the business, conducting themselves like professional

gentlemen; plain cooks of three feet high appearing mysteriously from

under ground; strangers walking in and going to bed without leave or

licence in the middle of the day! If he should be one of the

miraculous fellows that turn up now and then, and has gone to sleep for

two years, I shall be in a pleasant situation. It's my destiny,

however, and I hope Brass may like it. I shall be sorry if he don't.

But it's no business of mine--I have nothing whatever to do with it!'

CHAPTER 35

Mr Brass on returning home received the report of his clerk with much

complacency and satisfaction, and was particular in inquiring after the

ten-pound note, which, proving on examination to be a good and lawful

note of the Governor and Company of the Bank of England, increased his

good-humour considerably. Indeed he so overflowed with liberality and

condescension, that, in the fulness of his heart, he invited Mr

Swiveller to partake of a bowl of punch with him at that remote and

indefinite period which is currently denominated 'one of these days,'

and paid him many handsome compliments on the uncommon aptitude for

business which his conduct on the first day of his devotion to it had

so plainly evinced.

It was a maxim with Mr Brass that the habit of paying compliments kept

a man's tongue oiled without any expense; and, as that useful member

ought never to grow rusty or creak in turning on its hinges in the case

of a practitioner of the law, in whom it should be always glib and

easy, he lost few opportunities of improving himself by the utterance

of handsome speeches and eulogistic expressions. And this had passed

into such a habit with him, that, if he could not be correctly said to

have his tongue at his fingers' ends, he might certainly be said to

have it anywhere but in his face: which being, as we have already seen,

of a harsh and repulsive character, was not oiled so easily, but

frowned above all the smooth speeches--one of nature's beacons, warning

off those who navigated the shoals and breakers of the World, or of

that dangerous strait the Law, and admonishing them to seek less

treacherous harbours and try their fortune elsewhere.

While Mr Brass by turns overwhelmed his clerk with compliments and

inspected the ten-pound note, Miss Sally showed little emotion and that

of no pleasurable kind, for as the tendency of her legal practice had

been to fix her thoughts on small gains and gripings, and to whet and

sharpen her natural wisdom, she was not a little disappointed that the

single gentleman had obtained the lodgings at such an easy rate,

arguing that when he was seen to have set his mind upon them, he should

have been at the least charged double or treble the usual terms, and

that, in exact proportion as he pressed forward, Mr Swiveller should

have hung back. But neither the good opinion of Mr Brass, nor the

dissatisfaction of Miss Sally, wrought any impression upon that young

gentleman, who, throwing the responsibility of this and all other acts

and deeds thereafter to be done by him, upon his unlucky destiny, was

quite resigned and comfortable: fully prepared for the worst, and

philosophically indifferent to the best.

'Good morning, Mr Richard,' said Brass, on the second day of Mr

Swiveller's clerkship. 'Sally found you a second-hand stool, Sir,

yesterday evening, in Whitechapel. She's a rare fellow at a bargain, I

can tell you, Mr Richard. You'll find that a first-rate stool, Sir,

take my word for it.'

'It's rather a crazy one to look at,' said Dick.

'You'll find it a most amazing stool to sit down upon, you may depend,'

returned Mr Brass. 'It was bought in the open street just opposite the

hospital, and as it has been standing there a month of two, it has got

rather dusty and a little brown from being in the sun, that's all.'

'I hope it hasn't got any fevers or anything of that sort in it,' said

Dick, sitting himself down discontentedly, between Mr Sampson and the

chaste Sally. 'One of the legs is longer than the others.'

'Then we get a bit of timber in, Sir,' retorted Brass. 'Ha, ha, ha!

We get a bit of timber in, Sir, and that's another advantage of my

sister's going to market for us. Miss Brass, Mr Richard is the--'

'Will you keep quiet?' interrupted the fair subject of these remarks,

looking up from her papers. 'How am I to work if you keep on

chattering?'

'What an uncertain chap you are!' returned the lawyer. 'Sometimes

you're all for a chat. At another time you're all for work. A man