Not even for myself but for the highest law of the land.
I walk across the office, cold and exhausted and ashamed of myself. I remove Fielding’s lab coat from the hook at the top of the closed door.
“I don’t know what it is you think I’ve not told you, Benton. I have no idea what he’s involved with or whom. Or his delusions or dissociative
states and blackouts. Not in my presence, and he’s never shared information like that, if it’s true.”
I put on the lab coat, and it is huge, and I detect the faint sharp odor of eucalyptus, like Vicks, like Bengay.
“Maybe a mood disorder with a touch of narcissism and intermittent explosive anger,” Benton goes on as if I just said nothing. “Or it could be
the drugs, maybe his damn performance-enhancement drugs as usual, the sorry bastard. He doesn’t represent the CFC well, I’m sorry as hell to
make the understatement of the century, and it wasn’t lost on Douglas and David, and that got the CFC off on the wrong foot, as long ago as early
November, when they got involved in the Wally Jamison kidnapping and murder. You can imagine what’s gotten back to Briggs and others. Jack is
one inch from ruining everything, and that opens up a place to opportunists. Like I said, it creates a looting mentality.”
I pause before a window and look down on the dark, snowy street as if I might find something there that will remind me of who I am. Something
to give me strength, something to find comfort in.
“He’s done a lot of damage.” Benton’s voice behind me. “I don’t know that it’s been intentional. But I suspect some of it has been because of
his complicated relationship with you.”
Snow is blowing at a sharp angle, hitting the window almost horizontally and making rapid clicks that remind me of fingernails tapping, of
something restless and disturbed. When I look at the snow as it hits the glass, it makes me dizzy. It gives me vertigo to look at it and then to look
down.
“Is that what this is about, Benton? My complicated relationship with him?”
“I need to know about it. It’s better it’s me instead of someone else asking you.”
“You’re saying everything is damaged and ruined because of it. That it’s the root of everything wrong.” I don’t turn around but stare out and
down until I can’t look at the flying flakes of ice and the road below and the dark river or the volatile winter night any longer. “That’s what you believe.”
I want him to verify what he just said. I want to know if what’s been damaged and ruined while I’ve been gone includes Benton and me.
“I just need to know anything you haven’t told me,” he answers instead.
“I’m sure you and others need to know.” I don’t say it nicely as my pulse picks up.
“I understand things from the past don’t get resolved easily. I understand complications.”
I turn around and meet his stare, and what I see in it isn’t just cases and dead people or my mutinous office or my deranged deputy chief. I see
Benton’s distrust of me and my past. I see him doubting my character and who I am to him.
“I never slept with Jack,” I tell him. “If that’s what you’re trying to find out so someone else is spared the discomfort of asking me. Or is it my
discomfort you’re so worried about? I never did. It won’t come out because it isn’t there. If that’s what you’re trying to ask me, that’s your answer.
You can pass it along to Briggs, to the FBI, to the attorney general, to whoever you goddamn want.”
“I would understand when Jack was your fellow, when both of you were just getting started in Richmond.”
“I try not to make it a practice to have sex with people I mentor,” I say with a surprising flare of irritability. “I’d like to think I bear no similarity to
what’s-her-name Lawler, the former therapist locked up in Georgia.”
“Jack wasn’t twelve when you met him.”
“It never happened. I don’t do that with people I mentor.”
“And when people mentor you?” Benton’s eyes are steady on me as I stand by the window.
“That’s not why John Briggs and I have a problem,” I answer angrily.
13
I return to Fielding’s desk and sit back down in his chair as I finger something slick and filmy inside one of his lab coat pockets. I pull out a square of
transparent plastic that is paper-thin.
“The CFC didn’t need to make a bad first impression with the Feds, but I’m confident you’ll change it.” Benton says it as if he regrets what he’s
just asked me, as if he’s sorry about what he just confronted me with in the line of duty.
I sniff what Fielding must have peeled off a eucalyptus-laced pain-relieving patch, and resentfully think, Yes, indeed, the Feds. I’m so glad I
can change what the goddamn Feds must think of me.
“I don’t want you to feel negative about everything here, every thing you’ve come home to,” Benton continues. “It wouldn’t be helpful if you are.
There is a lot to take care of, but we’ll get there. I know we will. I’m sorry our conversation had to move in certain directions. I’m really sorry we had
to get into all this.”
“Let’s talk about Douglas and David.” I remind him of names he referred to moments earlier. “Who are they?”
“I have no doubt you’ll prevail and make this place work, make it what it was meant to be, which is stellar and unlike anything anywhere. Better
than what they have in Australia, in Switzerland, even better than any place where they were doing it first, including Dover, right? I have complete
confidence in you, Kay. I don’t want you to ever forget that.”
The more Benton assures me of his confidence, the less I believe it.
“Law enforcement respects you, the military does,” he adds, and I don’t believe that, either.
If it were true, he wouldn’t have to say it. So what? I then think, with hostility that seems to come from nowhere. I don’t need people to like or
respect me. It isn’t a popularity contest. Isn’t that what Briggs always says? It’s not a popularity contest, Colonel, or if he’s being more personable,
It’s not a popularity contest, Kay, and he smiles wryly, a steely glint of mischief in his eyes. He doesn’t give a shit if anybody likes him, and in fact
thrives on people not liking him, and I’m going to start thriving on it, too. The hell with everyone. I know what I need to do, which is something. I will do
something, oh, yes, I will. Thinking I’m going to come home to this and just take it, do nothing about it, let whoever it is have his way? No. Hell, no.
Not going to happen. Whoever would entertain an idea like that sure as hell doesn’t know me.
“Who are Douglas and David?” I again ask, and I sound snappish.
“Douglas Burke and David McMaster,” Benton says.
“I don’t know them, and who are they to you?” Now I’m the one doing the interrogating.
“FBI’s Boston Field Office, Metro Boston Homeland Security. You haven’t gotten to know the locals, not key ones, but you will. Including the
coast guard. I’m going to help you get to know every one around here if you’ll permit me to. For once I might be useful. I’ve missed being useful to
you. I know you’re upset.”
“I’m not upset.”
“Your face is flushed. You look upset. I don’t mean to upset you. I’m sorry I have. But it’s something I’ve needed to know for several reasons.”
“And are you satisfied?”
“It’s critical to know where you are in all this and who you are in it,” he says as I hold the flimsy plastic backing, a square about the size of a
cigarette pack.
I lift it up to the light and see Fielding’s large fingerprints on the transparent film and smaller ones that must be mine. Fielding is chronically
straining muscles, always achy and sore, especially when he’s abusing anabolic steroids. When he’s back to his old, bad tricks he smells like a
damn menthol cough drop.
“What do Homeland Security, the coast guard, have to do with anything we’re talking about?” I’m opening desk drawers, looking for Nuprin,
Motrin, or Bengay patches, for Tiger Balm, for anything that might confirm what I suspect.
“Wally Jamison’s body was floating in the harbor at the coast guard’s ISC, their Integrated Support Command. Right there under their nose.
Which I believe was the point,” Benton replies as he watches me.
“Or the point was the wharf right there that’s deserted after dark. One of the few wharfs in the area that you can drive a car on. I sure as hell
know that area. So do you. We know it, and some of the people who work there probably would recognize us, we’ve walked around there so many
times, right next door to where we stay once in a blue moon when we can get away and be alone and be civil to each other.” I sound sarcastic and
mean.
“Authorized personnel only. Might I ask what you’re looking for? I’m sure it’s something that will be in plain view.”
“It’s my office. This entire place is my office. I’ll look at whatever the hell I want. Plain view or not.” My pulse is flying, and I feel agitated.
“The wharf isn’t open to the public. Not just anybody can drive a car on it,” Benton replies as he watches me carefully, worried. “I didn’t mean to
upset you this much.”
“We walk over there all the time and no one asks for our IDs. They’re not standing around with submachine guns. It’s a tourist area.” I’m
argumentative and combative, and I don’t want to be.
“The coast guard ISC isn’t a tourist area. There’s a guard gate you have to go through to get out on the pier,” Benton says very calmly, very
reasonably, and he continues looking at his iPhone. He looks at it and then at me, back and forth, reading both of us.
“I miss it. Let’s spend a few days there soon.” I try to sound nice because I’m acting awful. “Just the two of us.”
“Yes. We will. Soon,” he says. “We’ll talk and get everything straight.”
I imagine it with startling clarity, our favorite suite that reaches out into the water like a fingertip at the Fairmont hotel on Battery Wharf, directly
next door to the coast guard ISC. I see the ruffled dark-green water of the harbor and hear it washing against pilings as if I’m there. I hear the
creaking of docks, the clanking of rigging lines against masts, and the bass tones of the horns the big ships sound as if all of it is audible inside
Fielding’s office.
“And we won’t answer our phones, and we’ll go for walks and get room service and watch the tall ships, the tugboats, the tankers from our
window. I would love that. Wouldn’t you love it?” But I don’t sound nice as I say it. I sound pushy and angry.
“We’ll do it this weekend if you want. If we can,” he says as he reads something on his iPhone, scrolling down with his thumb.
I move my coffee away and the corner of the desk looks rounded, not squared. Too much caffeine and my heart is beating hard. I feel lightheaded
and edgy.
“I hate it when you look at your phone all the time,” I say before I can stop myself. “You know how much I hate it when we’re talking.”
“It can’t be avoided right now,” he says as he looks at it.
“Exit off Ninety-three, get on Commercial Street, and you’re right there,” I resume arguing. “A convenient way to get rid of a body. Drive it there
and dump it in the harbor. Nude, so whatever trace evidence there might have been from the car trunk, for example, was probably washed away.” I
shut a bottom drawer and sound peculiar to myself as I mutter distractedly, “Pain-relieving patches. None. And I didn’t see any in my desk drawers,
either. Only chewing gum. I’ve never been a gum chewer. Well, when I was a little kid. Dubble Bubble at Halloween, with the colorful waxy yellow
wrapper that’s twisted on the ends.”
I see it. I smell it. My mouth waters.
“Here’s a secret I’ve never told anyone. I’d recycle. Chew it and wrap it up again. For days until there was no flavor left.”
My mouth is watering, and I swallow several times.
“I stopped chewing gum when I stopped trick-or-treating. See, you’ve reminded me of trick-or-treating, something I haven’t thought of in so
many years I can’t believe it’s just popped into my head. Sometimes I forget I was ever a child. Ever young and stupid and trusting.”
My hands are shaking.
“Better not to like something you can’t afford, so I didn’t make a habit of gum.”
I’m trembling.
“Better not to look like you grew up low-class, especially if you did grow up low-class. When have you ever seen me chew gum? I won’t. It’s lowclass.”
“Nothing about you is low-class.” Benton watches me carefully, guardedly, and I see what is in his eyes. I’m scaring him.
But I can’t stop myself. “I’ve worked damn hard in life not to look low-class. You didn’t know me when I was getting started and had no idea
what people are really like, people who have complete power over you, people you worship really, and what they’re capable of luring you into so that
you never feel the same about yourself. And then you bury it like that beating heart under the floorboards in Edgar Allan Poe, but you always know
it’s there. And you can’t tell anyone. Even when it keeps you awake at night. You can’t even tell the person you’re closest to that there’s this cold,
dead heart under the floorboards and it’s your fault it’s under there.”
“Christ, Kay.”
“It’s odd that everything we love seems to be in close proximity to something hateful and dead,” enters my mind next. “Well, not everything.”
“Are you all right?”
“I’m fine. Just stressed out, and who the hell wouldn’t be? Our house is across the street from Norton’s Woods, where someone was murdered
yesterday, and he may have been at the Courtauld Gallery at the same time Lucy and I were the summer before Nine-Eleven, which she thinks was
caused by us, by the way. Liam Saltz was there, too, at the Courtauld, one of the lecturers. I didn’t meet him then, but Lucy has him on CD. I can’t
remember what he talked about.”
“I’m curious why you would bring him up.”
“A link on a website that Jack was looking at for some reason.”
Benton doesn’t say anything, and he doesn’t take his eyes off me.
“You and I go in The Biscuit when I’m home on weekends, maybe we’ve been in there at the same time Johnny Donahue and his MIT friend
were,” I go on and can’t keep up with my thoughts. “We love Salem and the oils and candles in the shops there, the same shops that sell iron
spikes, devil’s bone. Our favorite getaway in Boston is next to where Wally Jamison’s body was found the morning after Halloween. Is someone
watching us? Does someone know everything we do? What was Jack doing in Salem on Halloween?”
“Wally’s body got where it was by boat, not the wharf,” Benton replies, and I don’t know where he got the information.
“All these things in common. You’d think we live in a small town.”
“You don’t look good.”
“You’re sure it was a boat. I feel like I’m having a hot flash.” I touch my cheek, press my hand against it. “Lord. That will be next. So much to look
