第 100 页

“I’m not, really!” cried Elenwë. “I just…I worry about you! I worry that you, that you numb your problems instead of dealing with them, and I don’t – ”

“Jesus. You sound like a talk show shrink.”

“Ireth,” Elenwë slid out of bed and caught Aredhel’s arm. “Please don’t leave, please let’s talk, let me explain…”

“It sounds like I’ve got the picture. You think I have a problem. You think I’m a drunk?”

“No! I don’t know! That’s not something I can say! But I’ve been worried, and I can’t just not say anything…”

“Stop worrying.”

“I didn’t mean to accuse you of anything,” said Elenwë, hands still wrapped around Aredhel’s arm, “I wanted to bring up something I’d noticed…”

“Okay, consider it brought up.” Aredhel turned on her heel, pulling free of Elenwë’s grasp, and took a furious step towards the door. There was a pained yowl of distress, and Aredhel froze, looking stricken. “Oh no.”

A black streak flashed across the room to vanish under the bed, and Elenwë put a hand to her mouth. “Did you step on – ”

“I’m sorry, baby!” Aredhel dropped to her hands and knees and peered under the bed. “Kit kit, oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to step on you! Oh no…” She sat back on her knees as Lómion made no signs of reappearing, and Elenwë bent down to look too.

“Don’t,” said Aredhel in a muffled voice. “Don’t look, it’s okay – ”

But Elenwë was already kneeling down and lifting the dust ruffle. A crouching, shadowy silhouette with indignant pale eyes in the corner was Lómion, who looked mortally offended but not all that worse for the wear despite his stepped on tail, and next to him were –

Aredhel made a choked sound, and Elenwë slowly sat back up. “That’s a lot of empties, Ireth.”

Aredhel covered her face with her hands. “El.”

Elenwë scooted close and gently laid her hands on Aredhel’s knees. “Querida…”

“I made an appointment,” said Aredhel, from behind her hands. “I did, I was going to see Nienna. But then an hour before, I just bailed. I didn’t go.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know.” Aredhel dropped her hands but kept her head down, her hair falling forward over her face. “I didn’t want to go over it all again. I didn’t want to start over. And I didn’t want to hear what she would tell me.”

Elenwë’s fingers stroked gently over her thighs. “What would she tell you?”

“What you’re telling me.” Tears were rolling slowly down Aredhel’s face. “That I’m not…That I’m not healthy in how I… That I’m not done dealing with my shit, that I’ve got to keep dealing with it, and I don’t want to. She’d tell me…she’d tell me I’m not okay.”

“Do you think you’re okay?”

“I tried going to a meeting, once,” whispered Aredhel. “With – it doesn’t matter. And all I could think was, I’m not as bad as these old drunks. I’m not like them. But there were people my age there too, and I just pretended they were like me, just visiting with someone, or something… I never went back.” Her hands curled in her lap. “I didn’t want to belong there.”

“I don’t know that you do,” murmured Elenwë. “But maybe it’s something to think about, to work on, and – ”

“And it’ll be three years, this fall.” Aredhel lifted her head and threw her hair back over her shoulders, wiping a hand over her eyes. “Three years since New York, and what have I got to show for it?”

Elenwë scooted closer still so she could take Aredhel into her arms and pull her close. Aredhel stiffened, but then laid her head on her shoulder. “You have a lot to show for it.” Elenwë pressed her lips to Aredhel’s forehead. “You’ve done so much, and I’m proud of you.”

“Ugh.” Aredhel pulled away again and grabbed for a tissue. “Sorry, it's not you. It's just. I hate November. I hate daylight savings. I hate it being so dark.”

Without saying anything, Elenwë got to her feet and slipped over to turn another light on. Lómion crept out from under the bed, the heat purred from the vent, and Aredhel hugged her knees and watched as Elenwë chased the shadows away.

The first to leave and the last to know

Chapter Summary

Thanksgivings and families, historic and acquired. A holiday special episode, but with actual plot advancement!

Chapter Notes

0. VERY EXCITING NEWS: For this special holiday edition of DWMP, my talented and beloved Silje has leant her hand to an illustration for it! Gawbbless her and love her.

See the end of the chapter for more notes

Tuesday

“So…what do I do if the polynomial is a negative? Okay, you have to stop gnashing your teeth.”

Caranthir closed his mouth and opened his eyes very wide. “I’m not.”

Maedhros sighed, brushing wisps of hair that had escaped his ponytail out of his face. He was beginning to look as frayed as Caranthir’s nerves. “I know you’re frustrated with me, but I need you to offer me just a modicum of patience.”

“I am 500% patient. I am not frustrated.”

“You just bit a pencil in half.”

Caranthir spat lead in a sanguine way. “Don’t worry about it. Happens all the time.”

From the living room came the sound of harmonica music; Maglor was sprawled out on the couch watching Planet Earth with the volume on low as he tried to compose an overture for echinoderms, for reasons known only to him. At this moment, Caranthir found himself thinking that helping Maglor find a rhyme for ‘crinoid’ would be preferable to his attempts at pedagogy. The kitchen table was covered with textbooks and graphing paper, and Caranthir had already broken three pencils and a pen trying not to pull his own ears off in frustration. Maedhros, who had been up since 5am, had moved into the placid serenity of the fundamentally exhausted, but Caranthir’s leg was jiggling so rapidly under the table that an alarmed Huan had come in to look for an intruder.

Caranthir raked his fingers through his hair, then flattened it out, took three short breaths through his nose, and tried to smile. “Okay, if you remembered what I said 30 minutes ago about quadratic polynomials, you would know that – ”

“What rhymes with ‘Cambrian’?” called Maglor from the couch. “Well, ‘Pre-Cambrian’, but it’s not like the preposition matters.”

“Not now, Káno,” said Maedhros wearily. “Sorry, what were you saying about quadratics?”

“I wasn’t saying anything about quadratics. Pre-Cambrian I said. Ordovician, alternatively, that's another one I need.”

“I wasn’t talking to you.” Maedhros raised slightly hopeless eyes to Caranthir. “I’m trying to understand what Moryo is – ”

“Don't worry about me,” said Caranthir helpfully. “It sounds like Káno needs some help. Do you need me to get your rhyming dictionary, Maka – ”

“You’re trying to escape.” Maedhros sighed.

“No way. This is fun for me.” Caranthir stretched his mouth in an unconvincing smile. “Unless you need to take a break, of course?”

“I’m fine.”

“Super!” Caranthir reached for the textbook again, still grinning fixedly, and Maedhros looked at him with calm resignation.

“Moryo.”

“Yes?”

“Do you need to take a break?”

Caranthir dropped the book to the ground and Huan darted over to sniff at it. “Jesus fucking asscrack, yes.”

“Then go to do that.” Maedhros sat back in the kitchen chair and massaged his temples as Caranthir shoved himself away from the table.

“Ambien!” he yelled into the living room. “And Venetian.”

“What?” Maglor sat up, harmonica dropping from his mouth.

“Like, ‘popped some Ambien in the Pre-Cambrian, went to the Ordovician with a Venetian’.” Caranthir swung himself around the bannister and headed upstairs. “For your dumbass song or whatever.”

Maglor flopped back on the couch, looking impressed, and started to scribble something in his notebook. Caranthir thundered up the stairs and Huan chased alongside him, excited for the sudden burst of activity. He kicked at Celegorm’s door as he passed it.

“Tyelko, your dogthing is being a freak again.”

“Fuck off,” Celegorm’s voice rumbled from inside. “And he knows he doesn’t get to stay in the room when I’m…busy.”

“Gross,” said Caranthir, and turned to the door across the hall.

Curufin was under his desk, trying to sort out a tangle of wires when Caranthir burst into his room. Curufin stuck his head out from under the desk and raised his eyebrows at the sight of his brother. Caranthir said something, and Curufin raised a finger, motioning him to wait for a second before taking a set of in-ear headphones from his ears.

“Anytime Tyelko has his coach over, I take precautions,” he said, by way of explanation. “Well, anytime Tyelko is having sex, and/or Makalaurë is playing harmonica. Two birds with one silencer, and all that. Can I help you with something, Morifinwë?”

Caranthir threw his arms into the air. “How is it that everyone thinks Nelyo is smart?”

Curufin rolled his eyes and got to his feet. “Don’t tell me. Polynomials. I have been dreading when my turn comes and I have to face him with integration.”

"Better you than me." Caranthir slumped against the closed door, groaning. “GOD, I spent most of my life feeling inferior to him, and the secret all along is that he’s an idiot!”

“Not perfect Maitimo!” Curufin smiled sardonically. “God forbid anyone overhear you speak ill of our dear righteous martyr.”

“Righteous or not, he’s thick as a plank when it comes to pre-calc. Makes you wonder what else he’s terrible at.”

“I know.” Curufin leaned a hip against his desk, shaking his head. “And the fact that he got the top position at Father’s company on the qualification of what, his birth order? His age? Honestly, sometimes I suspect he resigned less out of a misguided sense of noble self-sacrifice than fear of it being discovered that he couldn’t do basic math.”

“Hah.” Caranthir ran a hand through his hair. “Wouldn’t surprise me. Why the hell is he trying to teach math? And on that note, what the fuck do they learn as poli sci majors? Because it’s clearly useless.”

“Oh, don’t even get me started. He should be teaching something that’s less of a stretch, like history.”

Caranthir cracked his knuckles, flexing his fingers as if trying to rid himself of a lingering tension. “Or gym.”

Curufin huffed out a laugh. “They say those who can’t teach…”

“Right? But he’s such a weedy nerd he’d probably be the kid who gets picked on in gym class, even as the teacher. On the bright side, we might find him swinging from a flagpole by his underwear.” Curufin laughed again, and Caranthir grinned. “Okay, but seriously, can I borrow your TI-89?”

“Sure. And for the polynomial stuff, there are a couple tricks that might ease the way some. Try this.” Curufin jotted down a couple notes on a scrap of paper.

“Oh, yeah, good call. And what about – ” Caranthir bent over the desk to look, picking up a pencil of his own to add some notations.

“Yes, but only after you get him solid on the first two. Do you still have your textbook? If not I can lend you mine, but the problems from chapter three might be good for him to work through.”

“Yeah, I was actually thinking about the problem set from chapter four, too.”

“Make sure he’s got the graphing function down first.”

“Yeah.”

Curufin finished scribbling out the notes, then passed them and the calculator to Caranthir as downstairs the bell rang. “Pray for me next week as I try to nurse him through integrals. And for now, godspeed with our eldest incompetent.”

“Thanks.” Caranthir glanced out the window at something and then smiled crookedly. “Say hi to Findaráto for me.”

Curufin paused, and then inclined his head. “Will do.”

He waited a moment before following Caranthir down the stairs. Maedhros was still at the kitchen table, and he looked up at them with a wry glance that indicated he’d heard their discussion and would make them pay for it at a later date. Grabbing his coat from the hook, Curufin opened the door and stepped outside just as the doorbell rang again.

Finrod was waiting for him on the front steps, wrapped in a handsome wool coat that made him look taller and more elegant than ever. The effect was heightened by the scarf tossed around his shoulders, and for what had to be the millionth time, Curufin felt like rolling his eyes in exasperation at how easy it seemed for Finrod to look attractive. Then Finrod smiled, and the urge to roll his eyes evaporated. Curufin took a step towards him as Finrod held out a hand, and was about to take it when the door opened behind them again.

Maedhros nodded briefly at Finrod and then addressed Curufin, who pulled his hand back from Finrod sharply. “Curvo, just a reminder – hey, Ingo – we’re leaving at for Formenos at 5:30, okay? Don’t be late.”

Curufin did roll his eyes then. “I never am, mother.”

“Can’t wait to spend the next five days with you.” Maedhros smiled brightly, with a bit too much teeth, and shut the door.

Finrod laughed as they started walking down the front path. “Giving poor Maitimo a hard time today?”

“He brings it on himself.” Curufin shrugged. “He’s a big boy, he can take it.”

“So you’re heading home to your family for the holiday?” Finrod slipped his hand into Curufin’s, and Curufin let their fingers intertwine.

“Yes, we’ll be in Formenos through the weekend. I take it you will be home as well, meeting the sister-in-law to be?”

“That’s the theory.” Finrod shook a stray lock of hair out of his eyes. “Will all seven of you be back in Formenos, then?”

“Not Tyelko.” Curufin let go of Finrod’s hand to rummage in his pocket for a pair of gloves; it was getting cold fast.

“Ah. I thought he was no longer keeping his distance from your father, though, since he dropped the case and Oromë resigned anyway…”

Curufin shrugged. “He didn’t say he was staying away because of Father, but it wouldn’t surprise me. Mother’s going to be disappointed, but I couldn’t talk him out of it and I’m done trying to get in the middle of it all. Tyelko doesn’t hold grudges often, but when someone threatens something he cares about, he doesn’t forget. Though apparently he gives more weight to certain things than others – Anyway. He and Oromë are spending Thanksgiving with Oromë’s sister and her husband.” Curufin smiled thinly. “Tulkas.”

“Tulkas.” Finrod frowned. “Tulkas. Wait, isn’t that – ”

“Our father’s arresting officer? Why, yes, yes it is.” Curufin’s face went blank for a moment as he remembered the day, years ago now, that the bulky officer had showed up at their front door, polite enough despite his dark uniform and the badge he flashed. He remembered his racing heart, and Celegorm holding him tightly around the waist to keep him from starting forward. He remembered how Nerdanel had refused to let the seven of them into the front of the house, keeping her body between them and the front door as Fëanor, cool and composed, had stepped out and presented his wrists for the handcuffs.

Curufin closed his eyes briefly, and then opened them again, refusing to let the memory affect him. “Will I be telling my father that particular detail of Tyelko’s holiday plans? I think not.”