第 17 页

Maedhros didn’t answer.

“Maitimo – ”

“I didn’t get in.” Maedhros’ voice was soft.

“What?”

“Law school. I didn’t get in – anywhere.” Maedhros closed his eyes. “Seven rejection letters, Fin, what will I tell my parents?”

Fingon took a deep breath and let it out slowly. His hand instinctively sought Maedhros’ and squeezed it. “Oh, Mae.”

Maedhros flinched. “Please don’t say anything…sympathetic.”

“Okay.” Fingon was quiet, brushing his thumb lightly over Maedhros’ knuckles. “How long have you known?”

“Since early this summer.”

“Seriously?” Fingon’s voice raised, and he quickly lowered it again. “I mean, seriously? You kept it secret for that long – from me?”

Maedhros didn’t respond to this, his jaw tight. “My father has to be suspicious at this point. Even with rolling admission, he’s got to be wondering why I haven’t heard anything…Why I haven’t started anywhere…”

“Has it occurred to you he might have guessed already?” asked Fingon quietly.

Maedhros’ face fell. “You think so?”

“I would imagine it’s struck him as a possibility. Smart guy, your dad.” Fingon wound a tentative arm around his waist. “You applied to all top ten schools, Mae. That’s insanely competitive. Did you have any back-ups? Any safeties?”

“No,” said Maedhros dully. “Why should I accept – ”

“Oh, for – Come on, who the fuck cares if you don’t go to Yale, or Columbia, or wherever? You can get a good education at any number of schools.”

“Big names matter in law schools more than in undergrad,” said Maedhros, not moving under his touch. “My father said – ”

“Who cares?” said Fingon, not bothering to hide his impatience. “Look, do you want to study law, or not? If you do, then you should broaden your range of options when you reapply, and fuck what your dad says.”

“Reapply…” Maedhros twitched out from under Fingon’s arm and turned away. “Damn it, Findekáno, I don’t want to do this all over again just to settle.”

Fingon chewed his lip and looked appraisingly at Maedhros’ dark silhouette. “Do you want to reapply at all?”

“I guess I'll have to.” Maedhros clenched his fists. "But the idea of going through all that again..."

“Do you want to do this at all?”

“What?”

Fingon crossed his arms. “Did you apply to all the most competitive schools in the nation – with no fail-safes – because you refuse to settle for second best, or because part of you wanted to fail?”

Maedhros rounded on him. “What are you implying?”

Fingon stared up at him, unfazed. “I’m just wondering if this is actually what you want, or if you’re just doing what you think your father wants. Again.”

-

It was just before dawn when Fingon tugged Maedhros back up the stairs. “Try and get some sleep, okay?”

“I’ll try,” mumbled Maedhros, letting himself be pulled back to his bedroom. "My brothers are going to give me such hell when they find out..."

"You don't know your brothers very well, then. They're there for you when it matters."

"You've never been one to give my brothers that much credit."

"I know. So I must mean it, huh?"

Maedhros gave a laugh that was more of a sigh, and fell into bed.

“It’s not going to be as bad as you’re making it out,” whispered Fingon as he pressed himself along Maedhros’ back. “Your father might even prove to be more understanding than you think.” Unlike in other aspects of your life, he added, but only to himself.

Maedhros made a noncommittal noise, but relaxed back into Fingon’s arms. “I’m sorry I kept you up so late.”

“Don’t worry about me,” said Fingon, yawning and kissing the back of Maedhros’ neck. “I can accept occasional late nights discussing the future as part of the package deal that comes with loving you. And speaking of ‘packages’…”

“No,” said Maedhros, rolling out of reach. “I will not reward you for innuendo.”

“Aww…” Fingon grinned in the lightening darkness. Outside, the sky was grey and the first birds were staring to wake. “Shouldn’t I get some kind of recognition for talking you through a crisis?”

“You made me re-evaluate my entire future,” muttered Maedhros, sliding his arms under the pillow and burying his face in it. “I don’t know if I should be thanking you.”

Fingon ran a finger down Maedhros’ back. “Speaking of ‘re-evaluating your future’, I’ve been meaning to ask… What do you think about moving in with me?”

* * *

Sometime well past dawn, Celegorm and Curufin were standing impatiently in the hallway, scowling at the closed bathroom door.

“This is getting absurd.”

“I wanna have you, ‘cause you're alllll I've got…Don't wanna lose you 'cause it meeeans a lot… All the joy this world can bring, doesn't give me anything, when yooouuu're not heeeere ...”

“Sweet creeping Jesus,” hissed Celegorm. “It’s been forty five fucking minutes. Does he not realize this is the only shower?”

“But I feeee-eeel…. wonderful… Don’t you know I feee-eeeel... wonderful….”

“Oh my god,” said Curufin, slumping against his door and burying his face in his towel. “I just want to brush my teeth.”

“What is it today?” asked Caranthir, appearing from downstairs and gesturing at the closed door.

“Annie Lennox,” said Celegorm and Curufin together. “You have to admit he hits the chorus pretty well,” added Celegorm, fairly.

“Be that as it may,” said Curufin, getting up and stomping down the stairs. “I’m not taking this any longer. Brace yourselves; I’m going to turn off the hot water.”

Caranthir and Celegorm arranged themselves in the doorway of Celegorm’s room and waited expectantly. Below, they could hear Curufin slamming into the basement and rummaging around.

Celegorm grinned. Caranthir narrowed his eyes in anticipation.

“God, it makes me feel so blue – Every time I think about you – ! All of the heat of my desire, smokin' like some crazy fire…”

“End it already,” muttered Caranthir, putting his hands over his ears. “Finish him.”

“Curvo’s on it.”

Curufin reappeared on the stairs, a satisfied look on his face. “Ready? It should kick in any minute now…”

“Hang on.” Celegorm fumbled for his phone and hit record. “This is going to be good.”

“Do you want me, do you not? Does it feel cold, baby, does it feel – AUGH!” There was a shriek, and a crash.

Curufin winced, even as his eyes glittered triumphantly. “There goes the shower curtain.”

“I hope he hasn’t fractured his coccyx,” said Caranthir, leaning forward. “That sounded like he landed pretty heavily.”

Another yell, and some creative swearing.

“He should really thank you, you know,” said Celegorm ruminatively, still recording. “I’ve never heard him reach a note that high before.”

The door was yanked open, and Maglor stood there, soaking wet and wild-eyed, a towel clutched around his hips. “What – ” His eyes fell on his three brothers blinking innocently at him in the hallway.

Celegorm bit his lips, trying not to laugh. Caranthir sniggered, and Curufin folded his arms and leaned against the wall, smirking.

“Oh, hey, Makalaurë,” said Celegorm, lowering his cellphone. “Are you done in there? I mean, take your time, by all means, but I think Curvo needs to brush his teeth…”

* * *

“I can’t believe you asked me that when we’d already been up most of the night,” said Maedhros quietly into Fingon’s ear.

“ ‘m sorry,” said Fingon, yawning and turning over to face him.

“Honestly, your timing, Finno…”

“I said I was sorry,” said Fingon, tangling his legs with Maedhros’. “And I did say we could save it for the morning.”

“It’s morning.”

“So it is. Well, what do you think?”

Maedhros sighed. “I don’t know. I’ve lived in this house for almost ten years. It’s how I stay connected with my brothers.”

“You’ll always be connected with your brothers,” said Fingon. “You could live on the moon and you’d still be connected with your brothers. Tyelko could probably yell loud enough that you wouldn’t even have to use a radio to stay in touch… Seriously, Mae, did you think you’re going to live in this house forever? You’ll be thirty before too long.”

“Don’t remind me.” Maedhros groaned. “But someone needs to keep an eye on them.”

Fingon smiled fondly. “Darlin’, even Curvo is technically of age now. They’re actually, like, grown, basically competent human adults. And they’re going to have to learn to make do without you at some point.”

“But I just feel…I don't know. Maybe I want to live with my brothers.”

“That’s…fine,” said Fingon, carefully. “But what about me?” He took Maedhros’ hand and twined their fingers together. “We’ve been together seven years. I don’t know about you, but I’m more or less assuming I’m in it for the long haul.” He leaned forward and kissed Maedhros lightly. “I want a life with you.”

Maedhros wrapped his arms around Fingon’s waist and pulled him close. “Are you sure?”

Fingon rolled his eyes. “Yes.”

Maedhros tucked his face against Fingon’s shoulder. “I want that, too.”

Fingon smiled and stroked his fingers through Maedhros’ hair. “Look, I’ve got an apartment, no roommates, and a queen-sized bed. And I almost never use it. I’m here practically every night, and as much as I love staying here – ” he broke off meaningfully as a muffled cacophony echoed down the hall. “ – I’ve kind of outgrown the dorm life feeling, you know? Not to mention I think your dad would shit a brick if I moved in here.”

“And you think he wouldn’t if I moved in with you?”

“He’s going to have to get over it eventually,” said Fingon imperturbably. “And at least it wouldn’t be in a house he owns. I’m not going to lie, Maitimo, if we live together? I want it to be our own place. Not his.”

“And if you do decide to reapply to schools,” he went on, when Maedhros didn’t answer, “you’d be leaving here anyway for wherever you end up going. And if you want to do something else, well – it might be nice to have your own space to do it in, mightn’t it?”

Maedhros was quiet, his face still pressed to Fingon’s neck. Fingon played with his hair and waited.

“Supposing I said yes,” said Maedhros at last, “Would it…” He was interrupted by a crash from the bathroom and a delighted whoop from Celegorm.

“Run, Curvo!”

“$5 on Makalaurë,” came Caranthir’s voice.

“Not with that bum leg, damn…”

“Oh, Káno, you dropped your towel – ”

Maedhros and Fingon froze, listening to what sounded like someone half running, half falling down the stairs, while Caranthir and Celegorm cheered.

Maedhros raised his head and looked at Fingon. “How soon can I move in?”

Chapter End Notes

1. The song Maglor’s warbling can be enjoyed here.

Shun the sunlight

Chapter Summary

The things left untold.

Chapter Notes

0. Warnings for this chapter: Mentions of past trauma, physical and emotional abuse, and one reference to abortion. If you think any of this will be triggering to you, please feel free to skip this chapter; you should still be able to follow the plot of the story no problem. There is also a brief (consensual) f/m sex scene.

1. Chapter title taken directly from Tolkien.

See the end of the chapter for more notes

It was amazing, Aredhel thought, how things could go this bad, this fast. One minute they had been laughing and joking, baking cookies (because baking was Elenwë’s go-to when she knew she had a heavy night of homework ahead), and playing music loud enough that the neighbors had pounded on the ceiling with a broom handle. And then – in the span of one casual remark by Elenwë – it had all gone downhill.

It didn’t help knowing that it was entirely Aredhel’s own fault.

“Why do you keep yelling?” Elenwë crossed her arms over her chest and glared, angry and hurt. “What’s your fucking problem, Irissë?”

“I – I – ” Aredhel dug her fingers into her hair. “I don’t know.”

“Seriously, what’s the big deal?” Elenwë asked, in a voice of forced calm. “I’m going to New York for the weekend for a class project. I’ll be back Sunday night. I didn’t tell you until now because I forgot, and because it’s not a big deal. What are you so freaked out about?”

“I don’t like New York,” whispered Aredhel, and sank her face into her hands.

“Really? That’s your reason? Irissë, I thought you lived there for a semester, why would you, of all people– ”

“I just don’t.”

“But you lived there, didn’t you?”

“Yes,” said Aredhel, and didn’t look up. Her shoulder gave an angry ghost throb of pain, and she shuddered. “Yes, I did.”

* * *

“Irissë!” Celegorm engulfed her in a hug, nearly pulling her off her barstool. “Shit, it’s been ages. I heard some crazy story you were in New York all semester or something – That’s not true, is it?”

“Yeah,” said Aredhel, trying not to wince as her shoulder was jostled.

“Do they do exchange programs in Manhattan or something now? I thought you wanted to take a year abroad, not a year in – ”

“I wasn’t in school,” said Aredhel flatly, her tone brooking no further comment.

Celegorm ignored it. “So what were you doing while you were in the city?”

“Look, I’m here to drink. Aren’t you?

“Sure,” he said, shooting her a sidelong glance before gesturing to the bartender. “Two shots, please.”

“Make ‘em doubles,” said Aredhel, and Celegorm shook his head and laughed.

-

Several hours, and several shots later, they made their way, a little unsteadily, into the street.

"Whew," said Celegorm. "I forgot how hard you can go. We should make you have a drinking contest with Makalaurë some day, you'd destroy him."

"Yeah, whatever," said Aredhel, disinterested. Their shoulders brushed as they walked along, leaning lightly into each other, and at some point their fingers twined together. For a moment Aredhel let their hands join, but then the tenderness of it infuriated her and she shook away impatiently.

"Hey, is everything okay?"

Too gentle, thought Aredhel, and shoved Celegorm back against a lamppost. She kissed him ferociously, knotting her fingers into his hair.

“Mph!” Celegorm let out a grunt as all the air was pushed from his lungs. “Damn, girl,” he gasped, when he could speak again. "You don't mess around, do you?"

“Your place is close, isn’t it?” breathed Aredhel. “Take me there.”

“Whatever you want,” said Celegorm, running his tongue over his lips. “Jesus.”

-

They slipped into the house, managing to avoid catching the notice of Maglor and Maedhros, who were downstairs watching a movie, and, from the sound of it, arguing about the score.

Once the door to Celegorm's room was locked behind them, Aredhel dropped her bag to the floor and immediately began to wriggle her jeans down over her hips. She stripped to her underwear but left her shirt on while Celegorm fumbled to get his clothes off as quickly as possible.

“Hurry up,” she ordered, pushing him back to the bed. “I need you now.”