第 68 页

“You don’t know shit about cars, do you?”

“Shhh, I’m being metaphorical. It’s totally cool if you don’t want to go, and it’s your call, obviously. But I think you’d like Nienna, she knows her shit. And did I tell you she’s black and queer?”

Aredhel sat up, wiping her eyes. “Listen, if you think telling me that is going to make me more likely to see her...” She scratched Huan behind the ears and rubbed the back of her hand over her nose. “…you’d be right. Yeah, I’d be much more likely to talk to a black lesbian shrink, I’m sold.”

“Thought you might be. Yeah, she’s really cool, and she’s also Vána’s partner.”

“Okay, now that’s a bit weird.”

“It’s only weird if you introduce yourself like ‘hey I’m your girlfriend’s husband’s boyfriend’s ex-fuckbuddy’.”

“Or I could just be like, ‘hey I’m Tyelko’s cousin’.”

“That too.”

“She’s met you, right? Will she hold our association against me?”

“I think I actually made a good impression on her.” Celegorm grinned. “Like, relatively speaking. She called me charming, anyway, and said I was better than Oromë’s other boyfriends.”

“She called you charming? Was she drunk?”

“Shut your facehole, I’m a delight.”

“Hang on, tell me more about Oromë’s other boyfriends. They must have been basically walking trashcans if you’re the best of the bunch…”

“Do you want me to take back all the nice, comforting shit I was just telling you?”

“Sorry. Force of habit.” Aredhel leaned against him again, and Celegorm kissed her forehead and ruffled up her hair at the same time.

“Seriously, though, Ireth, how much have you had to drink?”

“Not much.”

“You lying?”

“Not much.”

“You wanna stay here to sleep it off?”

“Yeah, probably.” She sighed. “I want to see Elenwë, but she’s coming into finals now, and she’s wicked stressed, and the last thing she needs is her crazy girlfriend turning up at her place drunk and crying after spending the past week being a frigid bitch to her.”

“You’ve been freezing her out? Aw, Ireth.”

“I know.” Aredhel moaned and hid her face again. “Why do you think I’ve been drinking? I’m such a slug to her, why does she keep me around, why does she love me, why would anyone love me – ?”

“Spiraling, baby girl.” Celegorm pulled her to her feet and she swayed against him. “Let’s get you some water, then come get in bed.”

“Not a good idea,” mumbled Aredhel. “I should…I shouldn’t stay in your bed.” They looked at each other, and then away. The silence between them stretched out, abrupt and awkward.

“I wouldn’t make a move, you know,” said Celegorm, to the far wall. “I’m crazy in love with someone else, you know.”

“Me too,” said Aredhel, to her feet. “But. Sometimes we – Sometimes we’re us, even when we don’t want to be. We. Don’t always have a good track record of. Not doing self-destructive things. I should. I shouldn’t stay in your bed. Not when I’m like this.”

“Yeah, okay.” Celegorm still didn’t look back at her.

“You think I don’t trust you.”

“Naw.”

“I don’t trust me.”

Celegorm looked back at her. “I wouldn’t let anything happen, you know. I’m sober as hell and I think I’m in remission from self-destructive behavior. Mostly.”

“But if I did something… if I tried… even if you didn’t let it happen, I would know, I would know I’d tried to do the thing, and I don’t want to know that about myself.” Aredhel shivered and pulled her hands over her face. “Not on top of everything else I know about myself and wish I didn’t.”

Celegorm reached out and took her hand, his careless familiarity returning as quickly as it had left. “That’s okay. You know what we’ve got in spades in this house right now? Spare beds. Wouldn’t want you in mine, anyway. You might break it, massive as you are.”

“Hah. Like I didn’t just see your titan-sized boyfriend in it…”

“A featherweight, compared to you.”

“No wonder you were always such a long-term success with the ladies.”

He led her out into the hallway, and the uncharacteristically quiet house. The only light came from under Curufin’s door, which was tight shut. Celegorm’s gaze lingered on it for a moment before he pulled an easy grin back onto his face and said, “So, lady, which of my brother’s beds do you wanna lay claim to? Not gonna lie, Nelyo’s is probably the safest bet.”

* * *

Aredhel woke up and rolled over. She stared at the ceiling, briefly confused. The light was wrong, casting unfamiliar shadows onto the ceiling from the windows - and the windows were in the wrong place too. And the blankets...the blankets felt odd. Quilts, instead of the comforter she had on her own bed, or the blankets on...Elenwë's... She dug the heel of her hand into her eyes, trying to reorient herself.

Fuck, waking up in a strange place again. You haven't done that in a while... At least there's no one in bed with you.

She looked over quickly to check that this was in fact the case, and let out a sigh of relief at seeing she was alone. Her head was fogged and aching, though, settling into a dull pound behind her eyes, and her mouth tasted of rancid tongue. As she groaned and flopped onto her side, she realized she was staring at a picture of her brother on the bedside table. Aredhel blinked for a second, and then everything fell into place.

Maitimo's room. Tyelko's house. Came over last night, drunk, yep, interrupted Tyelko with his boyfriend, sounds about right, CRIED on Tyelko, oh, good, if he hadn't gotten wise to the fact that you were off your ass before that, that probably tipped him off...

Hopefully he didn't know quite how off your ass you were, though.

You've always been good at talking like you're with it, even when you aren't.

Aredhel groaned and forced herself upright. She was wearing socks, but her jeans were on the floor, and she grimaced as she slid a finger under her breasts where the underwire of her bra had dug into her skin.

"Killer job getting undressed last night, girl," she muttered, and rolled out of bed, grabbing her jeans as she landed on the floor.

A few minutes later she tiptoed onto the landing, fully dressed, her hair wild and unruly, but probably a lost cause. The two doors on the far end of the hallway were closed, and she poked her head briefly through Celegorm's. He was fast asleep in bed, sprawled across the mattress in his usual disarray. Predictably, Huan had migrated from his designated bed to the foot of Celegorm's, and was snoring with his head on Celegorm's feet.

Grinning a little to herself, Aredhel pulled the door shut and slipped down the stairs to the front door.

The sun hit her stinging eyes like a fistful of sand, and she winced and fumbled in her jacket pocket for sunglasses. Setting off down the street, two desires warred within her, and she debated which one she should attempt first.

El is studying, El is a good student, El isn't gonna want to be interrupted. Not by a hungover feelingsmonster, anyway.

A good girlfriend would give her space until she's done with finals.

A good girlfriend would be supportive and encouraging and not underfoot.

A good girlfriend wouldn't be hungover on a Wednesday morning.

A good girlfriend would be as responsible as she is.

A good girlfriend wouldn't have a bottle in her sock drawer for bad Tuesday nights.

But you're a not a good - Nope. Not going there.

El is studying. Leave El alone for now.

Aredhel tipped her head back, her wild hair falling down her back, the grey circles under her eyes hidden by her sunglasses.

Hair of the dog it is, then.

And two more weeks.

* * *

The doorbell rang, twice. Curufin waited, but when it became clear no one else was going to respond, he sighed and pulled himself up from the couch to answer it, his textbook still under one arm, a pencil behind his ear. He pulled the door open.

Finrod was standing on the front step, his bright hair tossed by the windy spring day, his jacket off and tucked neatly under his arm – and a flower in his hand.

Curufin looked at the flower. It was large, and purple, and sweet-smelling. He raised his eyes back to Finrod, who smiled at him.

He shut the door in Finrod’s face.

“Curvo…” Finrod’s voice came through the door, slightly muffled.

“Nope,” said Curufin, heading back into the living room and his pile of books. “Nope, no, nuh uh. Gross. Go away. I take back the relationship thing.”

He sat down on the couch and pulled out his notebook. A tap came at the window. Curufin didn’t look up. Finrod rapped at the glass again. Curufin put his headphones on and studied his notes with interest, carefully ignoring how Finrod leaned heavily against the window with a deep sigh that fogged the glass.

“That’s going to leave a smudge,” said Curufin, without looking up.

Finrod vanished from the window, and shortly thereafter, there was the sound of the backdoor opening. Light footsteps came down the hall, and Finrod appeared in the living room, the flower tucked into his back pocket. He crossed his arms.

“So you weren’t kidding about the ‘flowers are gross and cheesy’ thing.”

“I never kid.”

“Apparently not. But you don’t have to worry about this one, at any rate, because it wasn’t for you.”

Curufin looked up, frowning, and pulled his headphones off. “Oh no? Was it for someone else?”

“Yes, it was for me. I saw it on my way over and wanted to press it for later. It’s an well-shaped specimen and would fit perfectly in my sketchbook.”

Curufin looked pained. “God, you are so hopelessly lame.”

“Lilac season is always over quicker than I expect, and before I know it they’ve all stopped blooming. I wanted to grab this one – which, as I said, is nicely shaped and unusually vivid – for my collection before I missed my chance, like I have for the past several years.”

“Hopelessly lame, and with weird interests to boot.”

“That’s rich coming from you, o creator of Tesla Coils.”

“Tesla Coils aren’t allowed in the house, just spark gaps, how many times do I have to tell you people? And just watch it, okay, you’re still on probation.”

Finrod sat down next to him, after first removing the spray of lilac from his pocket and laying it carefully on the end table. “I wasn’t aware our relationship was probationary.”

“Ugh, please don’t say ‘our relationship’.” Curufin shuddered. “It’s such a heinous turn of phrase.”

“You’re allowed to tell me I’m on probation, but I’m not allowed to call this a relationship? I think I have some complaints to lodge about equity, and vocabulary.” Finrod looked thoughtful. “And if not a relationship, what would you call it? I mean, at its most basic, ‘relationship’ is simply defined as the standing interrelation between two people, whether as friends, family, lovers, or even enemies. It’s vague and open-ended, possibly, but not inaccurate, and I imagine you’d prefer it to me calling you my ‘boyfriend’…”

Curufin glowered. “That word is even more off-limits.”

Finrod sighed. “Perhaps it’s best I not speak at all, then, if half my vocabulary is verboten.”

“Half your vocabulary consists of two words denoting romantic standing? How pathetic. Perhaps I don’t want to be in any kind of interpersonal anything with you, after all, if you – ”

“You’re impossible,” said Finrod, and caught Curufin’s chin to pull him into a chaste, swift kiss.

Curufin dropped his notes and half raised his hands to reach out for Finrod’s shoulders. He’d just tipped his head to the side, letting Finrod deepen the kiss, when there was a clatter on the stairs and the two of them sprang apart.

“Curvo,” called Celegorm, as he yanked a sweatshirt over his head and tried not to trip over Huan, who was racing down the stairs at his feet. “I’m going to go get some groceries and walk the dog creature, d’you need any – ” He pulled up short at the sight of Finrod. “What the fuck is he doing here?”

“None of your business,” said Curufin shortly, before Finrod could say anything. Finrod was looking at Celegorm apprehensively, and had drawn almost imperceptibly further from him.

“Like hell it’s not my business,” said Celegorm, looking thunderous. “It’s my house, ain’t it? And if I wanna say that no pathetic fuckboys who’ve screwed over two of my brothers are allowed – ”

“You can say whatever you want,” said Curufin. “But I don’t have to obey you, and I certainly don’t have to care. You don’t see me ordering your guests from the house, no matter what I think about them. Not when your boyfriend is over here at all hours – ”

“He’s been over twice, you’ve barely seen him, we’ve been quiet as hell and whatever happened to you being supportive of my relationship, huh?”

“ – and not when your friend shows up drunk and pathetic and squats in our brother’s room – ”

“Irissë is your cousin too, and god knows we have enough space for her now that you’ve driven the last of our brothers from the house – ”

“ – so the least you can do, Turko, is leave me the fuck alone.”

The two of them glared at each other, while Finrod glanced between them, looking deeply troubled.

“Tyelkormo,” he said quietly. “I don’t want to cause any further tension in your family. I only wished – ”

“Shut up, Ingoldo.”

Curufin stood up, staring daggers at his brother. His face was pale, which made the scar under his eye stand out lividly. Celegorm tried to glare back at him, but couldn’t seem to meet his eyes, dropping his furious gaze to the ground as Huan circled between them anxiously.

“He’s going to be around more often,” Curufin said, very softly. “And you’re just going to have to get used to it.”

Celegorm kept staring at the floor, clenching his jaw, his hands working into fists at his sides.

“I don’t give a shit if you like him, or trust him, or whether you think he’s a hideous, cheating double-timer.” Finrod flinched, but Curufin ignored him. “This is my business, not yours. I don’t nose into your life anymore – you seem to have resented me doing that in the past, if I remember correctly; well, congratulations, I’m done – and you stay out of mine.”

“Curvo,” said Finrod. “This isn’t necessary.”

“Be quiet, I’m dealing with this.”

“Okay, no.” Finrod stood up too. “You know what, neither of you have a right to tell me to shut up, and I am tired of being the reason everyone is falling out right and left. Yes, I know I’ve messed up, countless times, and countless ways, and that’s why I’m calling this, right now. I can see where this is going, I feel this slipping into another catastrophe, and enough already. Curufinwë, I appreciate you defending me, if that is indeed what you’re doing, but I have no desire for you to blackmail or attack your brother on my account. This is not worth descending into another pitched battle. He is allowed to dislike and distrust me, he is even allowed to register his displeasure that I am here. Heaven knows I understand his reasoning, and his protectiveness over his brothers, even if he does not actually have the authority to tell you whom you can or cannot see, or who can or cannot visit this house. Tyelkormo,” Finrod turned on Celegorm, and it was suddenly apparent, as it hadn’t been before, that Finrod was taller than both of them, straight-backed and composed. His usually soft, gentle voice was steady and authoritative, and his gaze didn’t waver. “By all means, hate me and all I’ve done, it is a more than fair reaction. But your brother is an adult, he makes his own decisions, as you should be more than abundantly aware, and at some point, you’re going to need to trust and respect his judgment – or at least pretend to – as he does yours, even when you don’t agree with it. Your role isn’t to be the guard dog on his life, and the more you try to be so, the more he’s going to react against it, and I know neither of you actually wants to lose the other. Now both of you, stop snarling at each other, stop the unnecessary dramatics, and let me do what I can to prove that I am worth your time, Curvo, and not an active threat to you or yours, Tyelko.” Finrod let out a breath, then turned and reached down to pick up the lilac bloom laying on the end table. “Now. I am going to go home. Curvo, I would very much like to take you out tomorrow night, if you are amenable. I can text or call later with the details, when you’re less occupied with your homework.” He looked like he wanted to move across to Curufin, to touch him, or kiss him, but he held himself back. “But for now, good day to you both.” He tucked his flower behind his ear and strode out of the house. He should have looked ridiculous, the flamboyant spray of purple flowers draping against his hair, but it suited him oddly well.