①见《圣经·路加福音》第七章，第四十四至四十八节。 .17

这就是我的信和我的嫉妒所产生的结果。我在爱情方面的虚荣心受到了残酷的损伤。

“昨天晚上她在干什么？”

“她到大歌剧院去了。”

“这我知道，后来呢？”

“她在家里吃夜宵。”

“一个人吗？”

“我想，是跟G伯爵一起吧。”

这样说来我和她的决裂丝毫没有改变玛格丽特的习惯。

遇到这样的情况，有些人就会对您说：

“决不要再去想这个不爱您的女人了。”

我勉强笑了笑说：“好吧，看到玛格丽特没有为我而感到难过，我很高兴。”

“她这样做是很合情理的。您已经做了您应该做的事，您比她更理智些，因为这个姑娘爱着您，她一张口就谈到您，她是什么蠢事都做得出来的。”

“既然她爱我，为什么不给我写回信呢？”

“因为她已经知道她是不该爱您的。再说女人们有时候能容忍别人在爱情上欺骗她们，但决不允许别人伤害她们的自尊心，尤其是一个人做了她两天情人就离开她，那么不管这次决裂原因何在，总是要伤害一个女人的自尊心的。我了解玛格丽特，她宁死也不会给您写回信的。”

“那么我该怎么办呢？”

“就此拉倒，她会忘记您，您也会忘记她，你们双方谁也别埋怨谁。”

“但是如果我写信求她饶恕呢？”

“千万不要这样做，她可能会原谅您的。”

我差一点跳起来搂普律当丝的脖子。

一刻钟以后，我回到家里，接着就给玛格丽特写信。

有一个人对他昨天写的信表示后悔，假使您不宽恕他，他明天就要离开巴黎，他想知道什么时候可以拜倒在您脚下，倾诉他的悔恨。

什么时候您可以单独会见他？因为您知道，做忏悔的时候是不能有旁人在场的。

我把这封用散文写的情诗折了起来，差约瑟夫送去，他把信交给了玛格丽特本人，她回答说她过一会儿就写回信。

我一直没有出门，只是在吃饭的时候才出去了一会儿，一直到晚上十一点我还没有收到她的回信。

我不能再这样痛苦下去了，决定明天就动身。

由于下了这个决心，我深知即便躺在床上，我也是睡不着的，我便动手收拾行李。

Chapter 15

JOSEPH and I had been getting everything ready for my departure for about an hour, when there was a violent ringing at my door.

'Should I answer it?' said Joseph.

'Yes, ' I told him, wondering who could be calling so late, and not daring to hope it was Marguerite.

'Sir, ' said Joseph when he returned, 'there are two ladies?

'It's us, Armand, ' cried a voice which I recognized as belonging to Prudence.

I emerged from my bedroom.

Prudence was standing and gazing about her at the few curios dotted around my drawing-room; Marguerite was sitting on the sofa, occupied by her thoughts.

When I entered, I went to her, knelt before her, took both her hands and, in a voice touched with emotion, I said:

'Forgive me.'

She kissed me on the brow and said:

'That's the third time I've forgiven you.'

'I was going to go away tomorrow.'

'How can my visit change your mind? I haven't come here to stop you leaving Paris. I came because I haven't had time all day to reply to your letter, and I didn't want to leave you with the impression that I was cross with you. Even so, Prudence didn't want me to come: she said I might be in your way.'

'You! In my way, Marguerite! But how?'

'Why, you could have had a woman here, ' answered Prudence, 'and it wouldn't have been very funny for her to see another two turning up.'

While Prudence was making this remark, Marguerite watched me closely.

'My dear Prudence, ' I replied, 'you're talking nonsense.'

'You've got a very nice apartment, ' answered Prudence. 'Mind if I take a look at the bedroom?'

'Not at all.'

Prudence went off into my bedroom, not so much to see inside as to cover up her unfortunate remark and to leave Marguerite and me alone together.

'Why did you bring Prudence with you?' I said.

'Because she was with me at the theatre, and because I wanted to have someone to see me home when I left here.'

'Couldn't I have done it?'

'Yes. But apart from the fact that I didn't want to disturb you, I was quite certain that when you got to my door you would ask if you could come up and, since I couldn't let you, I didn't want you to go away feeling you had any right to blame me for refusing you anything.'

'And why couldn't you let me come up?'

'Because I'm being watched very closely, and because the least hint of suspicion could do me a great deal of harm.'

'Is that the only reason?'

'If there was another, I would tell you what it was; we've got past the stage of having secrets from each other.'

'Listen, Marguerite, I'm not going to make any bones about what I want to say to you. Tell me, do you love me a little?'

'A great deal.'

'Then why did you deceive me?'

'My dear, if I were the Duchess of This or That, if I had two hundred thousand livers a year, if I were your mistress and had another lover besides you, then you'd have every right to ask why I deceive you. But I am Mademoiselle Marguerite Gautier, I have debts of forty thousand and not a penny behind me, and I spend a hundred thousand francs a year: your question is out of order and my answer irrelevant.'

'You're quite right, ' I said, letting my head fall on to Marguerite's knees, 'but I do love you, to distraction.'

'Well, my dear, you should have loved me a little less or understood me a little better. Your letter hurt me very deeply. If I'd been free to choose, then in the first place I would never have seen the Count the day before yesterday, or, if I had, I would have come to beg you for the forgiveness which you asked of me a few moments ago and, from that moment on, I would have had no other lover but you. There was a moment when I thought I could indulge myself and be really happy for those six months. You would have none of it; you just had to know how I was going to manage it ?good heavens! it was easy enough to guess. The sacrifice I was going to have to make if it was to be possible, was much greater than you think. I could have told you: "I need twenty thousand francs." You were in love with me, you would have raised it somehow, though there was a risk that one day you'd be sorry you'd done so and blame me. I chose to owe you nothing; you didn't understand my delicacy, for delicacy it is. Girls of my sort, at least those of us who still have some feelings left, take words and things further and deeper than other women. I repeat: coming from Marguerite Gautier, the means with she found of repaying her debts without asking you for the money it took, was an act of great delicacy of which you should now take advantage without another word. If you met me today for the first time, you'd be only too delighted with the promises I'd make you, and you wouldn't ask questions about what I did the day before yesterday. Sometimes, we have no choice but to buy gratifications for the soul at some cost to the body, and it hurts all the more when those gratifications subsequently elude us.'

I heard and saw Marguerite with admiration. When I reflected that this marvellous creature, whose feet I once had longed to kiss, should consent to give me a place in her thoughts and a role in her life, and when I thought that I was still not content with what she was giving me, I asked myself whether man's desire has any limits at all if, though satisfied as promptly as mine had been, it can still aspire to something more.

'It's true, ' she went on, 'we creatures of chance have weird desires and unimaginable passions. Sometimes we give ourselves for one thing, sometimes for another. There are men who could ruin themselves and get nowhere with us; there are others who can have us for a bunch of flowers. Our hearts are capricious: it's their only diversion and their only excuse. I gave myself to you more quickly than I ever did to another man, I swear. Why? Because when you saw me coughing blood, you took me by the hand, because you wept, because you are the only human being who ever felt sorry for me. I'm now going to tell you something silly. Once I had a little dog who used to look at me with sad eyes when I coughed: he was the only living creature I have ever loved.

'When he died, I cried more than after my mother's death. Mind you, she did spend twelve years of her life beating me. Well, from the start, I loved you as much as my dog. If men only knew what can be had with just one tear, they would be better loved and we should ruin fewer of them.

'Your letter gave you away: it showed me that you didn't understand the workings of the heart, and it injured you more in the love. I had for you than anything else you could have done. It was jealousy, of course, but a sarcastic, haughty kind of jealousy. I was feeling miserable when I got the letter. I was counting on seeing you at midday, on having lunch with you, hoping the sight of you would chase away a thought I kept having which, before I knew you, never bothered me in the least.

'Then again, 'continued Marguerite, 'you were the only person with whom I'd sensed from the first I could think and speak freely. People who congregate around girls like me can gain a great deal by paying close attention to the slightest words we say, and by drawing conclusions from our most insignificant actions. Naturally, we have no friends, we have egotistical lovers who spend their fortunes not on us, as they claim, but on their vanity.

'For men like these, we have to be cheerful when they are happy, hale and hearty when they decide they want supper, and as cynical as they are. We are not allowed to have feelings, for fear of being jeered at and losing our credibility.

'Our lives are no longer our own. We aren't human beings, but things. We rank first in their pride, and last in their good opinion. We have women friends, but they are friends like Prudence ? yesterday's kept women who still have expensive tastes which their age prevents them from indulging. So they become our friends, or rather associates. Their friendship may verge on the servile, but it is never disinterested. They'll never give you a piece of advice unless there's money in it. They don't care if we've got ten lovers extra as long as they get a few dresses or a bracelet out of them and can drive about every now and then in our carriages and sit in our boxes at the theatre. They end up with the flowers we were given the night before, and they borrow our Indian shawls. They never do us a good turn, however trifling, without making sure they get paid twice what their trouble was worth. You saw as much yourself the evening Prudence brought me the six thousand francs which I'd asked her to go and beg from the Duke; she borrowed five hundred francs which she'll never give back, or else she'll pay it off in hats that will never get taken out of their boxes.

'So we can have, or rather I had, only one hope of happiness: and this was, sad as I sometimes am and ill as I am always, to find a man of sufficiently rare qualities who would never ask me to account for my actions, and be the lover of my wilder fancies more than the lover of my body. I found this man in the Duke, but the Duke is old and old age neither shields nor consoles. I'd thought I could settle for the life he made for me. But it was no use. I was dying of boredom, and I felt that if I was going to be destroyed, then I might as well jump into the flames as choke on the fumes.

'Then I met you. You were young, passionate, happy, and I tried to turn you into the man I had cried out for in my crowded but empty life. What I loved in you was not the man you were but the man you could be. You refuse to accept the part; you reject it as unworthy of you; you are a commonplace lover, just do what the others do: pay me and let's not talk about it any more.'

Marguerite, tired by this long confession, settled back into the sofa and, to check a mild fit of coughing, put her handkerchief to her lips and even wiped her eyes.

'Forgive me, forgive me, ' I murmured, 'I knew all this, but I wanted to hear you say it, my darling Marguerite. Let's forget the rest. Let's just remember one thing: we belong to one another, we are young and we are in love.

'Marguerite, do with me what you will. I am your slave, your dog. But, in the name of God, tear up the letter I wrote you and don't let me go away tomorrow. It would kill me.'

Marguerite withdrew the letter from the bodice of her dress and, as she handed it back to me, said with a smile of infinite sweetness:

'Here, I was bringing it back to you.'

I tore up the letter and, with tears in my eyes, kissed the hand which held it.

At this juncture, Prudence reappeared.

'Oh, Prudence, can you guess what he wants me to do?' said Marguerite.

'To forgive him.'

'That's right.'

'And have you?'

'I can't do otherwise. But there's something else he wants.'

'What's that?'

'He wants to come and have supper with us.'

'And are you going to say yes?'

'What do you think?'

'I think you're a couple of children without an ounce of common sense between you. But I also think that I'm ravenous, and the sooner you do say yes, the sooner we'll have supper.'

'Come on, then, ' said Marguerite, 'we can all fit into my carriage. By the way, ' she added, turning to me, 'Nanine will have gone to bed, so you'll have to open the door. Take my key, and try not to lose it again.'

I kissed Marguerite until she had no breath left.

Thereupon, Joseph came in.

'Sir, ' he said with the air of a man terribly pleased with himself, 'the trunks are packed.'

'All of them?'

'Yes, sir.'

'Well, unpack them. I'm not leaving.'

我和约瑟夫为我动身做准备，忙了将近一个小时，突然有人猛拉我家的门铃。 “要不要开门？”约瑟夫问我。

“开吧，”我对他说，心里在嘀咕谁会在这种时候上我家来，因为我不敢相信这会是玛格丽特。

“先生，”约瑟夫回来对我说，“是两位太太。”

“是我们，阿尔芒，”一个嗓子嚷道，我听出这是普律当丝的声音。

我走出卧室。

普律当丝站着观赏我会客室里的几件摆设，玛格丽特坐在沙发椅里沉思。

我进去以后径直向她走去，跪下去握住她的双手，激动万分地对她说：“原谅我吧。”

她吻了吻我的前额对我说：

“这已经是我第三次原谅您了。”

“否则我明天就要走了。”

“我的来访凭什么要改变您的决定呢？我不是来阻止您离开巴黎的。我来，是因为我白天没有时间给您写回信，又不愿意让您以为我在生您的气。普律当丝还不让我来呢，她说我也许会打扰您的。”

“您，打扰我？您，玛格丽特！怎么会呢？”

“当然罗！您家里可能有一个女人，”普律当丝回答说。

“她看到又来了两个可不是好玩的。”

在普律当丝发表她的高论时，玛格丽特注意地打量着我。

“我亲爱的普律当丝，”我回答说，“您简直是在胡扯。”

“您这套房间布置得很漂亮，”普律当丝抢着说，“我们可以看看您的卧室吗？”

“可以。”

普律当丝走进我的卧室，她倒并非真要参观我的卧室，而是要赎补她刚才的蠢话，这样就留下玛格丽特和我两个人了。

于是我问她：“您为什么要带普律当丝来？”

“因为看戏时她陪着我，再说离开这里时也要有人陪我。”

“我不是在这儿吗？”

“是的，但是一方面我不愿意麻烦您，另一方面我敢肯定您到了我家门口就会要求上楼到我家，而我却不能同意，我不愿意因我的拒绝而使您在离开我时又有了一个埋怨我的权利。”

“那么您为什么不能接待我呢？”

“因为我受到严密的监视，稍不注意就会铸成大错。”

“仅仅是这个原因吗？”

“如果有别的原因，我会对您说的，我们之间不再有什么秘密了。”

“嗳，玛格丽特，我不想拐弯抹角地跟您说话，老实说吧，您究竟有些爱我吗？”

“爱极了。”

“那么，您为什么欺骗我？”

“我的朋友，倘若我是一位什么公爵夫人，倘若我有二十万利弗尔年金，那么我在做了您的情妇以后又有了另外一个情人的话，您也许就有权利来问我为什么欺骗您；但是我是玛格丽特·戈蒂埃小姐，我有的是四万法郎的债务，没有一个铜子的财产，而且每年还要花掉十万法郎，因此您的问题提得毫无意义，我回答您也是白费精神。”

“真是这样，”我的头垂在玛格丽特的膝盖上说，“但是我发疯似地爱着您。”

“那么，我的朋友，您就少爱我一些，多了解我一些。您的信使我很伤心，如果我的身子是自由的，首先我前天就不会接待伯爵，即使接待了他，我也会来求您原谅，就像您刚才求我原谅一样，而且以后除了您我也不会再有其他情人了。有一阵子我以为我也许能享受到六个月的清福，您又不愿意，您非要知道用的是什么方法，啊，天哪！用什么方法还用问吗？我采用这些方法时所作的牺牲比您想象的还要大，我本来可以对您说：我需要两万法郎；您眼下正在爱我，兴许会筹划到的，等过后可能就要埋怨我了。我情愿什么都不麻烦您，您不懂得我对您的体贴，因为这是我的一番苦心。我们这些女人，在我们还有一点良心的时候，我们说的话和做的事都有深刻的含义，这是别的女人所不能理解的；因此我再对您说一遍，对玛格丽特·戈蒂埃来说，她所找到的不向您要钱又能还清债务的方法是对您的体贴，您应该默不作声地受用的。如果您今天才认识我，那么您会对我答应您的事感到非常幸福，您也就不会盘问我前天干了些什么事。有时候我们被迫牺牲肉体以换得精神上的满足，但当精神上的满足也失去了以后，我们就更加觉得痛苦不堪了。”