During these eight years my life was uniform: but not unhappy,because it was not inactive. I had the means of an excellent educationplaced within my reach; a fondness for some of my studies, and adesire to excel in all, together with a great delight in pleasing myteachers, especially such as I loved, urged me on: I availed myselffully of the advantages offered me. In time I rose to be the firstgirl of the first class; then I was invested with the office ofteacher; which I discharged with zeal for two years: but at the end ofthat time I altered.
Miss Temple, through all changes, had thus far continuedsuperintendent of the seminary: to her instruction I owed the bestpart of my acquirements; her friendship and society had been mycontinual solace; she had stood me in the stead of mother,governess, and, latterly, companion. At this period she married,removed with her husband (a clergyman, an excellent man, almost worthyof such a wife) to a distant county, and consequently was lost to me.
From the day she left I was no longer the same: with her was goneevery settled feeling, every association that had made Lowood insome degree a home to me. I had imbibed from her something of hernature and much of her habits: more harmonious thoughts: what seemedbetter regulated feelings had become the inmates of my mind. I hadgiven in allegiance to duty and order; I was quiet; I believed I wascontent: to the eyes of others, usually even to my own, I appeared adisciplined and subdued character.
But destiny, in the shape of the Rev. Mr. Nasmyth, came betweenme and Miss Temple: I saw her in her travelling dress step into apost-chaise, shortly after the marriage ceremony; I watched the chaisemount the hill and disappear beyond its brow; and then retired to myown room, and there spent in solitude the greatest part of thehalf-holiday granted in honour of the occasion.
I walked about the chamber most of the time. I imagined myself onlyto be regretting my loss, and thinking how to repair it; but when myreflections were concluded, and I looked up and found that theafternoon was gone, and evening far advanced, another discovery dawnedon me, namely, that in the interval I had undergone a transformingprocess; that my mind had put off all it had borrowed of MissTemple- or rather that she had taken with her the serene atmosphereI had been breathing in her vicinity- and that now I was left in mynatural element, and beginning to feel the stirring of old emotions.It did not seem as if a prop were withdrawn, but rather as if a motivewere gone: it was not the power to be tranquil which had failed me,but the reason for tranquillity was no more. My world had for someyears been in Lowood: my experience had been of its rules and systems;now I remembered that the real world was wide, and that a varied fieldof hopes and fears, of sensations and excitements, awaited those whohad courage to go forth into its expanse, to seek real knowledge oflife amidst its perils.
I went to my window, opened it, and looked out. There were thetwo wings of the building; there was the garden; there were the skirtsof Lowood; there was the hilly horizon. My eye passed all otherobjects to rest on those most remote, the blue peaks; it was those Ilonged to surmount; all within their boundary of rock and heath seemedprison-ground, exile limits. I traced the white road winding round thebase of one mountain, and vanishing in a gorge between two; how Ilonged to follow it farther! I recalled the time when I hadtravelled that very road in a coach; I remembered descending that hillat twilight; an age seemed to have elapsed since the day which broughtme first to Lowood, and I had never quitted it since. My vacations hadall been spent at school: Mrs. Reed had never sent for me toGateshead; neither she nor any of her family had ever been to visitme. I had had no communication by letter or message with the outerworld: school-rules, school-duties, school-habits and notions, andvoices, and faces, and phrases, and costumes, and preferences, andantipathies- such was what I knew of existence. And now I felt that itwas not enough; I tired of the routine of eight years in oneafternoon. I desired liberty; for liberty I gasped; for liberty Iuttered a prayer; it seemed scattered on the wind then faintlyblowing. I abandoned it and framed a humbler supplication; for change,stimulus: that petition, too, seemed swept off into vague space:'Then,' I cried, half desperate, 'grant me at least a new servitude!'
Here a bell, ringing the hour of supper, called me downstairs.
I was not free to resume the interrupted chain of my reflectionstill bedtime: even then a teacher who occupied the same room with mekept me from the subject to which I longed to recur, by a prolongedeffusion of small talk. How I wished sleep would silence her. Itseemed as if, could I but go back to the idea which had last enteredmy mind as I stood at the window, some inventive suggestion would risefor my relief.
Miss Gryce snored at last; she was a heavy Welsh-woman, and tillnow her habitual nasal strains had never been regarded by me in anyother light than as a nuisance; to-night I hailed the first deep noteswith satisfaction; I was debarrassed of interruption; myhalf-effaced thought instantly revived.
'A new servitude! There is something in that,' I soliloquised(mentally, be it understood; I did not talk aloud). 'I know thereis, because it does not sound too sweet; it is not like such wordsas Liberty, Excitement, Enjoyment: delightful sounds truly; but nomore than sounds for me; and so hollow and fleeting that it is merewaste of time to listen to them. But Servitude! That must be matter offact. Any one may serve: I have served here eight years; now all Iwant is to serve elsewhere. Can I not get so much of my own will? Isnot the thing feasible? Yes- yes- the end is not so difficult; if Ihad only a brain active enough to ferret out the means of attainingit.'
I sat up in bed by way of arousing this said brain: it was a chillynight; I covered my shoulders with a shawl, and then I proceeded tothink again with all my might.
'What do I want? A new place, in a new house, amongst new faces,under new circumstances: I want this because it is of no use wantinganything better. How do people do to get a new place? They apply tofriends, I suppose: I have no friends. There are many others whohave no friends, who must look about for themselves and be their ownhelpers; and what is their resource?'
I could not tell: nothing answered me; I then ordered my brain tofind a response, and quickly. It worked and worked faster: I feltthe pulses throb in my head and temples; but for nearly an hour itworked in chaos; and no result came of its efforts. Feverish with vainlabour, I got up and took a turn in the room; undrew the curtain,noted a star or two, shivered with cold, and again crept to bed.
A kind fairy, in my absence, had surely dropped the requiredsuggestion on my pillow; for as I lay down, it came quietly andnaturally to my mind:- 'Those who want situations advertise; you
'How? I know nothing about advertising.'
Replies rose smooth and prompt now:-
'You must enclose the advertisement and the money to pay for itunder a cover directed to the editor of the Herald; you must put it,the first opportunity you have, into the post at Lowton; answersmust be addressed to J. E., at the post-office there; you can go andinquire in about a week after you send your letter, if any are come,and act accordingly.'
This scheme I went over twice, thrice; it was then digested in mymind; I had it in a clear practical form: I felt satisfied, and fellasleep.
With earliest day, I was up: I had my advertisement written,enclosed, and directed before the bell rang to rouse the school; itran thus:-
'A young lady accustomed to tuition' (had I not been a teachertwo years?) 'is desirous of meeting with a situation in a privatefamily where the children are under fourteen' (I thought that as I wasbarely eighteen, it would not do to undertake the guidance of pupilsnearer my own age). 'She is qualified to teach the usual branches of agood English education, together with French, Drawing, and Music'(in those days, reader, this now narrow catalogue ofaccomplishments, would have been held tolerably comprehensive).
This document remained locked in my drawer all day: after tea, Iasked leave of the new superintendent to go to Lowton, in order toperform some small commissions for myself and one or two of myfellow-teachers; permission was readily granted; I went. It was a walkof two miles, and the evening was wet, but the days were still long; Ivisited a shop or two, slipped the letter into the post-office, andcame back through heavy rain, with streaming garments, but with arelieved heart.
The succeeding week seemed long: it came to an end at last,however, like all sublunary things, and once more, towards the closeof a pleasant autumn day, I found myself afoot on the road toLowton. A picturesque track it was, by the way; lying along the sideof the beck and through the sweetest curves of the dale: but thatday I thought more of the letters, that might or might not be awaitingme at the little burgh whither I was bound, than of the charms oflea and water.
My ostensible errand on this occasion was to get measured for apair of shoes; so I discharged that business first, and when it wasdone, I stepped across the clean and quiet little street from theshoemaker's to the post-office: it was kept by an old dame, who worehorn spectacles on her nose, and black mittens on her hands.
'Are there any letters for J. E.?' I asked.
She peered at me over her spectacles, and then she opened adrawer and fumbled among its contents for a long time, so long that myhopes began to falter. At last, having held a document before herglasses for nearly five minutes, she presented it across thecounter, accompanying the act by another inquisitive and mistrustfulglance- it was for J. E.
'Is there only one?' I demanded.
'There are no more,' said she; and I put it in my pocket and turnedmy face homeward: I could not open it then; rules obliged me to beback by eight, and it was already half-past seven.
Various duties awaited me on my arrival: I had to sit with thegirls during their hour of study; then it was my turn to read prayers;to see them to bed: afterwards I supped with the other teachers.Even when we finally retired for the night, the inevitable MissGryce was still my companion: we had only a short end of candle in ourcandlestick, and I dreaded lest she should talk till it was allburnt out; fortunately, however, the heavy supper she had eatenproduced a soporific effect: she was already snoring before I hadfinished undressing. There still remained an inch of candle: I nowtook out my letter; the seal was an initial F.; I broke it; thecontents were brief.Thursday, possesses the acquirements mentioned, and if she is in aposition to give satisfactory references as to character andcompetency, a situation can be offered her where there is but onepupil, a little girl, under ten years of age; and where the salaryis thirty pounds per annum. J. E. is requested to send references,name, address, and all particulars to the direction:-
I examined the document long: the writing was old-fashioned andrather uncertain, like that of an elderly lady. This circumstancewas satisfactory: a private fear had haunted me, that in thus actingfor myself, and by my own guidance, I ran the risk of getting intosome scrape; and, above all things, I wished the result of myendeavours to be respectable, proper, en regle. I now felt that anelderly lady was no bad ingredient in the business I had on hand. Mrs.Fairfax! I saw her in a black gown and widow's cap; frigid, perhaps,but not uncivil: a model of elderly English respectability.Thornfield! that, doubtless, was the name of her house: a neat orderlyspot, I was sure; though I failed in my efforts to conceive arecollections of the map of England; yes, I saw it; both the shire andcounty where I now resided: that was a recommendation to me. Ilonged to go where there was life and movement: Millcote was a largedoubtless: so much the better; it would be a complete change at least.Not that my fancy was much captivated by the idea of long chimneys andclouds of smoke- 'but,' I argued, 'Thornfield will, probably, be agood way from the town.'
Here the socket of the candle dropped, and the wick went out.
Next day new steps were to be taken; my plans could no longer beconfined to my own breast; I must impart them in order to achievetheir success. Having sought and obtained an audience of thesuperintendent during the noontide recreation, I told her I had aprospect of getting a new situation where the salary would be doublewhat I now received (for at Lowood I only got L15 per annum); andrequested she would break the matter for me to Mr. Brocklehurst, orsome of the committee, and ascertain whether they would permit me tomention them as references. She obligingly consented to act asmediatrix in the matter. The next day she laid the affair before Mr.Brocklehurst, who said that Mrs. Reed must be written to, as she wasmy natural guardian. A note was accordingly addressed to that lady,who returned for answer, that 'I might do as I pleased: she had longrelinquished all interference in my affairs.' This note went the roundof the committee, and at last, after what appeared to me mosttedious delay, formal leave was given me to better my condition if Icould; and an assurance added, that as I had always conducted myselfwell, both as teacher and pupil, at Lowood, a testimonial of characterand capacity, signed by the inspectors of that institution, shouldforthwith be furnished me.
This testimonial I accordingly received in about a month, forwardeda copy of it to Mrs. Fairfax, and got that lady's reply, statingthat she was satisfied, and fixing that day fortnight as the periodfor my assuming the post of governess in her house.
I now busied myself in preparations: the fortnight passedrapidly. I had not a very large wardrobe, though it was adequate to mywants; and the last day sufficed to pack my trunk,- the same I hadbrought with me eight years ago from Gateshead.
The box was corded, the card nailed on. In half an hour the carrierwas to call for it to take it to Lowton, whither I myself was torepair at an early hour the next morning to meet the coach. I hadbrushed my black stuff travelling-dress, prepared my bonnet, gloves,and muff; sought in all my drawers to see that no article was leftbehind; and now having nothing more to do, I sat down and tried torest. I could not; though I had been on foot all day, I could notnow repose an instant; I was too much excited. A phase of my lifewas closing tonight, a new one opening to-morrow: impossible toslumber in the interval; I must watch feverishly while the changewas being accomplished.
'Miss,' said a servant who met me in the lobby, where I waswandering like a troubled spirit, 'a person below wishes to see you.'
