Maggie: Wow, you got all the invitations done. Mike: Mom, look, I am not in the mood to hear, one more time, all of your sensible reasons why Julie and I should wait. Maggie: So, you admit, they're sensible reasons? Mike: Mom, you're missing the key idea here. Maggie: Mike, I'm sorry, you're right. Like I promised last week, and several times before that, no more negativity. From this day forward, I'll embrace your marriage with gusto. Mike: Mom, you make it sound like a beer commercial.
Maggie: Yes I do.
Maggie: Honey, you don't have to go through all that again; I know how you feel, because twenty years ago, I was you. Your dad was Julie, my mom was me, Grandpa Ed was... Gosh,
Mike: No, Mom, Mom, keep going. You were real near making a point...weren't ya? Maggie: Yes. Mike, you're not getting married to please us; you're getting married because this is something you want to do, and you know all the reasons why. Mike: I do.
Maggie: But if you have any doubts, don't be too... Mike: I have none! I have none! I'm very confident and extremely happy! Maggie: And I'm bubbling for you. Mike, honey, don't forget your stinking invitations. "Stinking" was wrong.
Mike: Hey Dad, you know sometimes Mom makes me nuts. Jason: Hey, I never said this, OK? Tell me about it. Mike: Yeah, I mean, when is she finally gonna understand that I am a capable, mature adult,
ready to stand on my own two feet. Can I borrow fifty Bucks?Jason: For what? Mike: Well, for stamps, for the invitations. Jason: Alright, for old time's sake. Mike: Thanks. Jason: Mike, I know what's upsetting your Mom. Mike: Dad, look, I did not ask her for a Dime. Jason: No, but what day is this? Mike: Saturday. Jason: And what's under your arm? Mike: Hair.
Jason: Well thank you. OK. Well let's go over the reasons. Mike: Oh, right, well I love her. And...and...and....err all the same reasons why you married Mom. Jason: Oh, Mike, Mike, I...I just couldn't imagine spending another day without her. I mean from the moment that I proposed, right up until this instant Mike, I've never had any doubt
that your mother was the only one for me. Mike: Never a doubt? Not one? This is Mom we're talking about. Jason: Ah, come on! I had cold feet, just like you're having now, and don't you deny it. But that's...err...not the same as doubt, Mike, that's normal...it's required. Mike: Really?Jason: Mmm. Mike: Well then, what did you do to get over the cold feet? Jason: Oh, it's a little different for everybody. I think for me it was a song-"Is it in her face?
Oh, no, that's just her charm. In her warm embrace? No, no, that's just her arm. If you wanna know, if she loves you so, it's in her kiss, that's where it is. Shoop shoop."Mike: And that's what got you through?Jason: Hey, I got the record upstairs. Mike: No, Dad, it's OK, I'll listen to it later, Ok! I got lots of wedding stuff to do, and I'm late now and...heck Dad, just listening to that song my cold feet are warming right up. Jason: Shoop shoop.
Julie: Mike, I didn't expect you... Gee, what was that for?
Tailor: You've tried on forty, son. What's wrong with this one?
Mike: I don't know...it's the lapels.Tailor: No problem. How's the crotch?Mike: Fine, fine. Tailor: In the long run, son, it'd be cheaper if you'd buy the tuxedo and rent the wife!!Mike: Sir, are you married?Tailor: Na. For the past fifty six years, I've been waiting for the right gal to walk through that door. Mike: But, isn't this a men's store?
Tailor: My God, I've wasted my life! No, to tell you the truth, I am married...to the same woman for forty five years. Mike: And...and why did you two get married? Tailor: Sex! Mike: Well...well what happens when the sex goes away? Tailor: We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Mike: Ah, excuse me, do you mind if I change this song? Tailor: What have you got against the shoop shoop song? Mike: It's a very long story. Tailor: Let me show you some cummerbunds.
Mike: Why do people get married? Coach: Why? well, what the hell else are they gonna do?Mike: What do you mean?Coach: Look, Seaver, you're a man. I'm assuming your fiancée is a woman. You meet, you get married, for you, for me, for everybody. Mike: Oh well coach, I don't understand. Coach: Well that's because we're talking about the mystery of love here. Mike: Well, what's that?
Coach: If I knew, it wouldn't be a mystery, lug nut! Mike: Oh, so you don't understand it either? Coach: I don't have to understand it, I'm living it. Look, Seaver, isn't there somebody else you could talk to about this...in your own area code? Mike: Yeah, I guess. Coach: I'm gonna go back to bed. And if you ever, ever, ever call me about something like this again...I'll be here.Mike: Thanks coach. Coach: Just don't make it collect.Mike: Alright. See ya. They'll know.
Grandpa: Mike! Grandma: Hi Mikey!! Mike: Hi Grandma! Grandma: So glad to see you! Grandpa: Your father isn't with you, is he? Mike: No. Grandpa: Good to see you.
Grandpa: Are you...err...having second thoughts, Mike?
Mike: No! Now look, are we gonna talk about this or are we gonna have some fibre? Alright, if I tell you guys something, can you keep it a secret? Grandpa: You can trust me. I've never told anybody about your grandmother's tattoo. Grandma: Oh Wally! Grandpa: Yes, but I didn't tell him where it is. Grandma: Ignore him honey! Mike: OK. What was the reason that you two got married? Grandma: Oh, when you love somebody and you know it, what else do you need?
Mike: Yeah, but how can you know that? Grandma: How can you not?
(in Mike's head) Coach: You meet, you get married, that's how it works. Carol: You and Julie are starting "a" life together...one life. Maggie: You're getting married because this is what you wanna do, and you know all the reasons why.
Customer 1: Well, that's a start. I mean, if it's Julie you're gonna marry. Bar Tender: Wait, wait, wait, wait! If this girl wants to marry him, that...that makes the marriage right? Mike: Well, she's usually right. Bar Tender: Are you sure?Mike: Look, I can't ever remember her being wrong. I mean, Julie is smarter than me. And she knows more than me, and she is definitely more mature than me. Customer 2: A man needs a mature woman.
Mike: If Julie doesn't have any doubts, then...what am I worried about? I am going to marry Julie. Bar Tender: Are you sure? Mike: I have never been more sure about anything in my entire life. Look, I can't thank you guys enough for helping me put all this together. Thanks. I am going to meet my future wife.
Mike: Here comes the groom, riding the... Woman: Can I help you? Mike: Ah, yes, I'm sorry. My name's Michael Seaver, and my fiancée and I are meeting the minister here at one o' clock. Woman: Mr. Seaver, yes. Well, this was left for you. Mike: Oh, well thank you. (Mike reads the letter in his head, from Julie.)
Mike: See ya. Julie: Bye.Mike: Julie, I'm scared out of my mind, I don't know if this is just cold feet, or what? I am not sure about...anything.
Mike: Well, I'd say I got a bargain. Boner: And I'd say, you've lost your mind.
Mike: It says, a man lives here. Boner: Mike, well if it says anything, shoot it. Mike: Alright, well here, hold my moose. Alright, got it? Boner: Yep. Yo, Mikey, are you alive, or what?Mike: Alive and kicking.
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Carol: Is that the mail man? Was that the mail man leaving? Mike: What! Not even a hello, for your dear sweet brother? Carol: Hello! Was that the mail man leaving?Mike: Carol, your lack in sincerity wounds me. Carol: Mike, where's the stinking mail?Mike: It's right over there on the counter! Carol: It's not here again! It's not here! Mike: Well don't worry, Carol. Maybe tomorrow you'll get that letter from err...a hundred and sixteenth on Broadway, New York City, One double O two seven.Carol: You have it.Mike: A lot of women say that. Carol: Mike, give me my letter from Columbia! Mike: Wait, you mean Columbia School of Broadcasting? Not affiliated with the CBS network or its own unoperated stations! Carol: Where's the letter, head louse?Mike: Oh, you're talking about Columbia University! The only college that you applied to! The place you have your over-worked heart set on, right?
Carol: I'm getting a knife! Mike: OK, OK. OK, what if I have seen this alleged letter... Carol: Thick or thin? Mike: You or the letter? Carol: Mike! Was the letter thin, like a thanks but no thanks rejection, or thick, like we'll see you in the fall acceptance? Ha! Mike: What, not even a thank you?Carol: Thank goodness; thick like your head, like an acceptance to a real school. Wanna smell it Mike, I mean this is the closest you'll get to the Ivy League. (Reading from the letter) "Welcome, Carol Seaver, to the Columbia University Class of nineteen ninety three and a half.
Your freshman orientation begins December twenty third, nineteen eighty nine." December twenty third? Oh no!! It's not fall, that's winter. Mike: And that's a real school?
Jason: (Reading from the letter) "So, due to high enrollment we're forced to defer a certain amount of freshman, until the winter semester." Maggie: How dare they defer my brightest child? Mike: I...I am in the room here.
Maggie: Which is no small achievement. Carol: Which is just one of those bumps in the rocky road of life, that'll make me a better driver. Maggie: Confident that you can handle your rig. Carol: What rig? Maggie: Sweetheart. What's important here is that you don't feel like a reject, and a loser who went belly up. Not that anyone else is thinking that.Carol: Mom, everything's gonna be fine.
Maggie: You're not just saying that? Carol: Wait till you hear how I'm gonna spend the next three months! Matriculating at Alf Landen Junior College. And I'll take a double course load, 'cause the work couldn't be very challenging...Mike goes there. And that way, even if only half my As are transferable, I'm doing just fine. Maggie: So, you don't need me at all to...comfort you. Carol: Oh Mom, is that why you came up here? Maggie: Kind of. Carol: Well, wanna lay on the bed and kick our feet like Debra Winger and Shirley McLean in "Terms of Endearment"? Maggie: No!...maybe just for a minute.
Carol: For what, to keep your table legs even?
Mike: Err...well why? Carol: Well, I've decided to take some courses there this semester. Mike: Yeah, right. Carol: I'm serious Mike. You and I will both be matriculating at Alf Landen this fall. Mike: Shh! Carol. Carol: It means, going there. Maggie: She's not kidding, Mike.Jason: She's not? Carol, why would you go there? Mi...I'm sorry, Mike. I didn't mean to insult
your (703). Mike: Aha. Carol: It means, your school. Mike: Oh. Oh! Carol: Mike, don't worry. I'll only be there for a few months, and then you'll have your seven or eight years there to yourself. Mike: Well, I don't feel like having you matriculating all over my Carol: Dad, I'll grant you I won't learn much, but I'll pile up some credits for next semester. Jason: Well, that makes a lot of sense...as usual.
Mike: Well, you said if I didn't, you'd raise my rent. Carol: I can't go to that bozo place! I've been kidding myself! What am I gonna do?Maggie: Carol! Jason: Carol! Mike: Oh fine. Fine, no-one stay here and console me. Ben: I stayed. Mike: Yahoo.
Maggie: Sweetheart! Carol: I don't wanna talk about it. Jason: Well, we want to talk to you about it. Carol: Even though I'm a reject, a loser who went belly up! Jason: Who said that to you?Carol: Mom. Maggie: Carol, let me communicate a sense of perspective here and... Jason: I think what your Mom is trying to say Carol...
Carol: Dad, stop talking crazy! Jason: Well, Carol, you know, there's gonna come a time in your life, when school isn't part of it. Carol: When?Jason: Well, what do you plan to do after Columbia? Carol: Go to graduate school. Jason: Yeah, and after that? Carol: Get my doctorate.
Jason: And then what? Carol: A doctorate's not enough for you? Jason: I have an idea, Carol. I think I know exactly the best way for you to spend the next three months! You should be going to the biggest university in the world! Carol: Ohio, State? Jason: No, the work place! Carol: Where's that? Jason: It's all around you, Carol.Carol: Dad, you're talking crazy again. Jason: Carol, no, I'm talking about the University of Life. Carol: Is this a religious institution? Jason: Carol, get a job! Carol: A job?
Employment Agent: Oh, I always have trouble getting back to the main menu. Carol: There. Employment Agent: Are you familiar with this program?
Carol: No, but this is a simple, binary language. Employment Agent: Aha. Now could you punch up, skilled jobs?Carol: There. Employment Agent: Another subheading, word processing. Carol: Sure. What are we looking for? Employment Agent: A job for someone very skilled with computers. Carol: But, I thought we were looking for a job for me. Oh!
Jason: Oh, you're gonna love it, you're gonna love it! Ben: Did you have to do that with me too, Dad?Mike: No Ben, we had to stop you from gnawing your foot off.Maggie: Carol's on her way down, and I want you boys to be very supportive. Mike: Give me a C! Give me an A! Jason: Subtler, Mike. Mike: Give me an R. Maggie: Wait till you see the outfit, I bought Carol. Carol: Hi. Jason: I've never seen anything like it.Maggie: Carol, I can just tell that you are gonna hit that company like a ton of bricks and know the publishing world on its ear.Mike: Benny, I got the best joke right now and I can't do a thing about it. Carol: Mom, it's not even an entry level job. Jason: Well, just remember, from little acorns do the mighty oaks grow. Carol: Well, before anybody says anything else supportive, let's just see if I get through one day. Jason: You bet.
Ben: She's got a point.
Boss: As I said before, I'm only gonna say this once-I like my page endings, neat and clean.
Carol: Yes sir. And what about the punctuation? Boss: job. That belongs to those punks in the punctuation department...period. Forget I said that. Now, you will sit here with our other page breaking persons; They don't like me saying ladies anymore, since Big Al joined the group... Big Al: Yo!
