Mike: I know, but your class is starting. Kate: Look, I wanted to call you last night, see what I want you... Cindy: Mike, about tonight, I forgot what time you were picking me up. Mike: Oh, err, well I didn't say. Cindy: Oh, oh good, now I don't feel so bad. Mike: Cindy, Cindy, Eight o' clock. Cindy: Oh, oh, OK. I'll remember this time. Mike: Ah, ah, so you were gonna say that you wanted to call me. Kate: Class is starting. Mike: Ooh, David. David: Hey, Mike, if we don't watch where we're going, one of us is gonna get hurt. Mike: Tell me about it.
Cindy: I'm still confused. Mike: OK, OK, what exactly didn't you get about the movie?
Mike: Sure, OK.
David: I gotta ask you a flavour. Mike: OK, ask. David: I gotta find out what's bothering Kate. Mike: Ah ha. David: Something's changed. Mike: Ah ha. David: She's talking about...needing some space, re-defining our relationship, our needs, crazy stuff. Mike: Ah ha. David: I can't talk to her. Mike: Ah ha. David: Will you? Mike: Will I what?
David: Will you talk to her? Mike: You mean, about what's bothering her? David: Mike, I need to know, alright? And she likes you, and I mean hey, you've been kissing her more lately than I have. Mike: Hey, you made me. David: Hey, look, Mike, I know; it's very difficult to be put in the middle situations like this, but... Mike: Oh, you have no idea. David: Well, listen to me, you're my only hope! Alright? I tried to talk to her last night, I tried to get her to open up, but we ended up fighting till dawn. Mike: You guys fought? David: Yeah. Mike: Oh, that's great...err...that you guys still have that kind of passion between you.
David: Look, Mike, I'm not leaving until you tell me you'll talk to her.
Professor Thorn: I know Seven a.m is very early my fellow thespians, but the purpose of this exercise is to tap the inner passions. Kaiser: I'm ready to tap, sir! Professor Thorn: Good Tizer, good. Now I want to hear the passion! Release the beast within. Get out! Out, all of you, out! Kaiser: This was fun professor, I've never released my beast before. So when do you wanna start rehearsing? Mike: Rehearsing what? Kaiser: While you were sleeping, I volunteered us to a scene from, Death of a Salesman. So, who do you wanna be, Willie Lowman, or his wife? Mike: Guess. Kaiser: Oh, come on, we can't both be the wife! Professor Thorn: It is so nice to share my time in hell with another human being.
Mike: Huh? Kate: Oh, tell me you didn't ask out little miss bimbo to force me into making a decision. Mike: Err...I didn't, it was my Dad's idea. Kate: Right, and now you're gonna tell me she wasn't a bimbo, huh? huh?
Kate: Mike... Mike: Look Kate, what am I explaining Cindy to you for, huh? It's really none of your business. Just like it's none of my business where you were when I was waiting outside your dorm for you, till dawn. Look Kate, I'm just trying to stay away from you and David. But now I've got him coming over and jumping in my bed, and you coming over and grilling me about some girl who can't even spell, yes... But she can sure say it.
Mike: Yeah. Kate: Mike, David and I just argued, that's all. He told me that when he asked me to find out what's wrong between
you guys. Woo, big news story. Kate: I have tried to tell him, he just won't listen, he's so bull-headed. Mike: Look, Kate, I'm just trying to do the right thing here. You know I'm trying to get you out of my mind, but it's not working. Kate: Good.Kaiser: Mike, I thought it over and I've been a pig; you can be my wife, and I'll be your Willy.
(Mike's dream) David: Mike, Mike, what did Kate say? Mike: Look David, there's no need to put you through this torture; Kate doesn't love you, she loves me and I love her. David: What? You took my girl! You took my one reason for living! When don't you just shoot me?
Mike: What'd you shoot him for? Kate: For us. I'll go through his wallet. Mike: But...but that would be stealing. Kate: But taking me wasn't! Mike: No, no, no, Kat look, this is not how it's supposed to go. Look, this is all wrong...except for that outfit. Kate: Do you really like it or are you just saying that? Mike: Kate, Kate, pay attention, come on! This is how it's gonna go. David: Mike, Mike, what did Kate say? Mike: Look David, there's no need to put you through this torture. Kate doesn't love you, she loves me, and I love her. David: Oh, OK. Mike: OK! You mean, you're not mad!
David: Friend! Mike: This wasn't how it was meant to go, at all. But this is how it went.
Mike: Kate! Kate, come on, wake up! Kate: Mike! Mike: Yeah, it's me. Come on, open the door. Kate: Mike, it's the middle of the night. What's going on? Mike: Look Kate, this just can't wait. Kate: Oh Mike, look what happened to your eye. Mike: I know, look, David came over and I was half a sleep and I didn't mean to tell him, but... Kate: Tell him what? Mike: Look, he knew that I'd talked to you but, you know what a hot-head David can be; so I
told him that I was the reason that you two were having problems. He hit me! Kate: What? Mike: Yeah, can you believe, he hit me?Kate: You told him about us! Mike: Yes, look, at least now it's out in the open and David knows...the worst is over now! You hit me!Kate: How dare you tell him about us? Get out! Get out! Get out! Mike: Well if that's your attitude, I'm leaving.
Jason: I understand everything you said, Mike. The only thing I don't get is why Kate hit you. Maggie: Oh, it makes perfect sense to me. Mike: Yeah, women are nuts! Right, Dad? Jason: Hey, hey. Well, Psychiatrists rarely like to use the term, nuts...besides we're out of steaks.
Kaiser: Great class today, professor, and thanks for those super duper acting tips.
Professor Thorn: Don't mention it Kaiser, that means a lot coming from a future bank teller. Kaiser: Oh, Mike... Professor Thorn: No, no, Kaiser, for the twentieth time, I do not have my dress for our scene! Kaiser: Women are nuts. Mike: Hey David, hey err...I just wanted to say that I was wrong for telling you what Kate wanted because I don't have a clue as to what Kate wants, and err...those things that I said, they were more wishful thinking than anything else. I got carried away and I'm sorry, I...I...really hope that you two can work things out. David: Yeah right. Mike: Hey, look man, I really want you to know that...that I'm truly sorry and...and I think of you as a friend. David: Well...on another day that might mean something, alright?
Kate: Hi. Mike: Hi. Kate: I've been waiting for you. Mike: Hey look, Kate, I just want you to know that I've already explained to David that I was completely out of line by speaking for you.Kate: No, you weren't. Mike: Pardon me. Kate: Well, even though you shouldn't have, it was the right thing to do. Mike: Look, Kate, I think it would be a lot easier if you'd just hit me again. Kate: Oh Mike... Mike: Look Kate, I just want you to know that I am going to back off, OK, until you and David can figure out whatever it is between you guys... Kate: Mike...I broke up with David today. Mike: Oh no, Kate, I don't think you should have done that for me. Kate: I didn't do it for you, I did it for me. It's something that I should have done a long time ago, so then when I met you, anything might have happened. Mike: Might have? Kate: Look, David feels lousy, you feel lousy, and I feel lousy. Mike: You're leaving? Kate: I don't know. Mike: Kate, why did you come? Kate: I'm not sure. Mike: Would now be a really bad time to put my arm around you? Kate: Yes, but I'd like it anyway.
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Ben: Oh no, mount, Vesuvius is erupting! Honey you grab the kids, I'll start the chariot and... Glug, glug, glug, this is great, I gotta get an A. Carol: No you won't. Ben: Are you kidding? I got this baby rigged to blow at the push of a button. I mean, lava's gonna flow everywhere. Over Rhodes, Romans, gladiators, naked virgins. Carol: But you won't get an A. Ben: Why? Carol: Because people like you don't get A's, they just mark their time at school till they can take their rightful place in society as toll collectors. Ben: Put your face over my volcano and say that. Carol: Ha ha ha. Maggie: Ben, I need that table cleared off, I'm coming back with lots of groceries for your father's party. Ben: But it's not till tomorrow and I haven't even had my first test firing yet. Maggie: Get that mountain thingy out of my kitchen, now! Ben: It's not a mountain thingy, it's a... Carol: C plus, tops. Maggie: Jason, we never got an RSVP from the Blankenships! Jason: Yes we did! Rich told me at the office! Maggie: Well you didn't tell me. Jason: The Blankenships are coming to the reception tomorrow. Maggie: OK, then that makes fifty four people. Jason: And the Johnsons, too. Maggie: How many others have you forgotten to tell me about?Jason: None, Maggie! Well the Schneiders.
Maggie: Look, Jason, how can I plan for this thing if you keep changing the number of people who are coming? Jason: Relax honey, that's fifty eight and we ordered food for sixty! Wonder if it's too late to call the caterer and cut back the order. Just a thought. Maggie: Jason, I just want everything to be perfect, I mean we don't know these people and I mean, they're important and rich; they're people you read about in the paper. Jason: And they're no different from we are. Mike: Huh, they sure are! They wanna blow five hundred Bucks a pop, just to hang out at our place. Jason: They're not blowing five hundred Dollars, Mike, they're donating it. And it's for the free mental health clinic, a very worthy cause, thank you. Mike: Hey, if they're dropping five hundred Bucks a head, they should just skip this party and check into the clinic. Jason: I'll get it. Mike: Hey Mom, how come we never start cleaning a day early for a family party?
Maggie: Well, they don't have to like us, they're related to us. Norma: Out of my way, it's heavy. Jason: Excuse me, who are you? Norma: No time to talk, I'm running late. Maggie: This is our caterer, Norma. Norma: Charmed, I'm sure. Look, where do you want your sea-food medley?Jason: I want it on ice, Norma, the party's tomorrow. Norma: No, it's not. Jason: Yes it is. It's my party. Norma: My work order says today. Jason: Yeah, well my wallet don't start talking till tomorrow, Norma. Norma: Fine, I'll let it rot in my refrigerator. Jason: Maggie, where'd you get this caterer? Maggie: Jason, they came highly recommended.
Maggie: Jason, this calendar's from nineteen eighty five. Honey, you can't re-use these things!
Jason: The party's today! Mike: Maybe this trump dude will help us buff our floors.
Jason: We've got fifty eight people on their way over here, we got twenty three minutes to turn this house into a party, let's go, let's go!! Look wait a minute! Wait a minute! Where are you going? Carol: Well, I was gonna go and pick out a dress for Donald Trump. Mike: This guy wears dresses! Jason: Can we just please forget about Mr. Trump for a second and think about what's important here! Come on we got twenty three, we got twenty two minutes for a party! Maggie: You aren't even going to apologise, are you? Jason: For what, Maggie?
Maggie: You don't know! You really don't know! Jason: Maggie, we got fifty eight people coming here in twenty one minutes!! Maggie: And they'll find a house unprepared for a party, and who are they gonna blame? The respected, responsible husband or the long suffering wife? Mike: What about the idiot daughter? Maggie: No, the wife! They always blame the wife. I guess that my humiliation means nothing to you! Jason: Oh, it will mean plenty, right after the party, Maggie. Maggie: Oh, you have no idea. Carol: I'll get it, it might be Donny again. Jason: Well tell him to hover. Come on, we got a lot to do here, a lot to do!! I'll make a list of the chores. Mike: Well, at least you had twenty good years with the man, Mom.
block-head when he sent the food away. Jason: Oh, honey, I'm sorry about that whole date thing. Maggie: Oh, big man. Jason: Oh, come on honey, we got plenty of food. Maggie: No we don't, I didn’t' get the chance to go shopping yet. Jason: Hey, how about these dumb microwaveable meatballs, the one's even Ben won't eat. Come on, and we got veggies Sweetheart, you can make one of those stupid dips! Maggie: Stupid dips! Jason: Tasty. Maggie: Jason, we have sixty rich people and Donald Trump on their way to a filthy house and now we're gonna starve them? Jason: Starve! Honey, with happy tasty meat treats! Delicious, can't even spoil! Maggie: I won't serve them.
Jason: Well, I will. And a semi eaten breakfast sausage, we'll file it down, nobody'll know the difference. Maggie: Oh great Jason, we'll just serve them these and refuse to call the ambulance until they've signed the cheques. Jason: We've got seventeen minutes, what do you want to do? Maggie: Leave the country! Jason: Maggie, come on, put a little perspective on this. Yes, OK, we've got sixteen minutes and yes yes we have no food and yes the house is in a shambles, but honey, we can make this work! Yes, come on, if this happened on Perfect Strangers, would Bulky lose it? Don't be ridiculous. Maggie: I hate that show! Jason: You love Lucy. Lucy, remember Lucy and Ethel and they were in the candy factory and they had that little conveyor belt and the thing was going along like this, and they were...
people are dumb enough to pay five hundred Dollars just to get inside the door, think what they'd pay to sit down! Jason: Mike, come on, that's...interesting. Ooh, less than thirteen minutes. Mike: Come on, what do we do? What do we do? Jason: We gonna help your mother lay out all the foo.... Wow, look at this it's gonna be great Mike, we're gonna pull this thing off. Maggie: I have just been routing through garbage cans for food. This is what my marriage to you has led to. Jason: Oh, honey, come on. Maggie: Oh, I can't do it! Call me old-fashioned, but I just can't serve garbage. Jason: We don't need any more trash honey, these appetizers are spectacular! And we got twelve minutes to spare! Maggie: Oh, I haven't even showered.
Jason: Go, go, go, shower! Maggie: Ben, if you don't take that volcano out of here, I am gonna erupt. Ben: But you said to... Maggie: Ben... Ben: Dad. Jason: You heard your mother. Carol: Bathrooms are clean, I can see my face in the toilets. Mike: Well then, that makes it unanimous. Jason: What the heck is that, you've got a... (volcano erupts, everybody screams) Ben: It works! It works! It works!
