Maggie: So you knew. You knew he wasn’t making the documentary about me too? Carol: Well I was there when dad talked him out of it.Jason: Popcorn. Maggie: Jason, we are about to start the tape. Jason: Ben, its rated R. Come on. You admit it’s dirty. Ben: No I don’t. Its just no kid wants to watch a movie anymore if its not rated R. Mike: Ah Ben, your movie is rated R? I'm watching it.
(Ben’s movie) Florida. The Summer of 1978. Mike: Well Maggie, speaking as your husband Jason, it sure has been a great Florida vacation. Considering its 1978 and we are a typical American family. Carol: And me being a working mum trying to balance a career and a home.
(Back to the real world) Maggie: Is that supposed to be us? Ben: Well..
(Bens film) (Twelve years since Florida) Mike: well honey, being your husband Jason, it sure is a beautiful day for nineteen ninety, being a typical American family.Carol: Jason honey, wasn’t it... Mike: A beautiful day for nineteen ninety, considering we are a typical American family. Carol: Jason, I thought you were going to make breakfast today. I mean after all, I am a working mother trying to balance a career and home.Ben: I need one of you guys to sign my report card. Mike: well shouldn’t it be one of your parents? Ben: You guys are my parents.Mike: Oh right,uh, uh...
Ben: Jim. Mike: Yes Jim. Jim, my haven’t you grown since the last twelve years when we bought that alligator and flushed him down the toilet and haven’t thought of since. Carol: Don’t you think we should check his report card before we sign it? Mike: Why? Little Tim has turned out just fine. Ben: Jim! Jim! Mike: We named you, we can change it. Well son, to show you that I have no hard feelings about these selfish outbursts, I’m going to reward you for all these fine C's. Here's a, here's a couple for, uh, for six cents off tidy flesh, which you can use to clean the toilet bowl where we flushed the alligator twelve years ago and haven’t thought of since.
Girl: Start right here? No. Ben: What are you doing? If you just shut up, we'll shoot this thing.Ben: Sorry I’m late Miss Birkin. Here’s my report card. Report card.Mike (playing teacher): You, boy. Do you go here? Ben: I'm Jim Jenkins. Mike: Jim. Well how long have you been in my class? Ben: Eight years. Mike: Eight years! How come I’ve never seen you before? Ben: You have seen me. Every day when we have this conversation.Mike: Oh, well then stop being so lamb.
(In real life) Ben: A breast is a part of a chicken. The most popular part I believe. Mike: Bennie, you're not helping yourself here.
(Ben’s film) Bambi: I have a wardrobe question. Why am I wearing a bathing suit in class?
Ben: Because you are going to the beach after. Bambi: But would my character know that yet? Ben: Laura, Laura, Laura. See, this girl Bambie isnt like you at all. See, she's just a dumb bimbo. Bambi: But you said she was a savvy, stylish, sophisticated woman.Ben: I didn’t say that. Jim said that. See he was just lying. He'd do anything just to get a chance to grope her. Bambie: That sleaze!Ben: Hey, he disgusts me too, but I’ll do my best to play him.Ben: Ok, action. Great, when is mike going to get this stinking thing fixed? Let’s just erase it and start over. Stinky: Don’t erase it. We'll send it to Americas funniest home vide....And everyone forgetting my name. I hate school. I think I’m going to drop out.
Stinky: don’t be a fool. Stay in school. Drop outs just take their future and drop it down the toilet. Much like that one eyed alligator. Ben: Oh, oh great! Stinky: Don’t be a fool. Stay in school. Drop outs just take their future and drop, drop it...Don’t be a fool. Stay in school. Drop outs just take their future and flush it down the toilet. Much like that one eyed alligator your parents bought for you twelve years ago and never thought of since. Ben: Thanks stinky. I'm glad we had this little talk. I'm going to stay in school. Stinky: Speaking of dizzy, do you want to talk about blondes first, or red heads? Ben: I don’t care who we think about. I just got to get my mind of the beautiful Bambie. Just stick to the script. Stinky: I'm sure some day Jim, you'll do something to make her notice you. Something big. Something great. Til then, you can dream. I have to go to the can. Ahhh! Urgh!!!
Ben: You got to help. Call the army . The navy. Even the air force. Mike: Now as your President, let me assure you that you have nothing to worry about. (Screams. ahhh!) Mike: Barbara! Ben: Hello, hello. Is there anybody who can hear my voice? Girls: jump, jump, jump! Ben: Look, I’m not jumping you fools. I just climbed up hear to tell you the gators are heading this way. Girls: Ahhh! Ben: Oh, the horror.
(Real life) Maggie: Jason, we have to go to the bathroom.
Jason: I don’t.Maggie: Yes you do. Mike: Well look before you sit. Ben: Man, for people who want to see my movie, they are sure taking a long time in the bathroom. Mike: Bennie, they are not in the bathroom. Ben: But they said they had to.. Mike: Trust me. It’s an old parent’s trick. They are talking about you. Ben: You think? Carol: They have a lot to talk about Ben. You are one sick little puppy. Jason: Ok Maggie. You were right about Ben. His hornballosity has got out of hand. Maggie: You are wrong Jason. Jason: I agreed with you. How can I be wrong? Maggie: I was wrong.Jason: Then I’m not wrong? Maggie: Of course you are. Haven’t you been listening?
Ben: Yeah, well they are back and they are bad. Girls: Ahhhh! Ben: Hey, there is no time to run now, but I can handle this. I'll protect you.
Bambie: If you save my life, I’ll show you my appreciation. I didn’t know he could fight like that. He's such a man. I feel like such a fool for ignoring him all these years, like his parents do. Wow, you put him to sleep just by rubbing his belly? Belly.Ben: Yeah Bambie. You feel like catching a little shut eye too? Bambi: Watch out! Aghhhhh! Girls: Ahhh! Mike (Playing Alligator): Jim. Ben: You know my name? Nobody on earth knows who I am, but you know my name?Mike: I was your gator Jim. Remember me. Flush ahhhhh! Ben: Yeah. Where did you learn to talk? Mike: You’d be surprised how much you pick up in the sewers Jim. Ben: What are you, what are you doing killing people? Mike: We never meant to kill anyone. We just want what everyone wants. Enough to eat. A
decent neighborhood to raise our kids in. Girls: Ah! Mike: And I want this guy here to get an A on this film project. Ben: Well, why don’t you just swim for the open water, where the ocean is clean and there are plenty of fish? Mike: What a great idea.Ben: And as for me getting an A, its all in Mr. Bloomberg’s hands. Mike: Well, he's a great guy and he won’t let me down. Com eon guys! Bambi: Jim, you are my hero. How can I ever thank you? (He kisses her) (She slaps him) Jason: Well your mothers got a point Ben. There’s nothing wrong with doing a boring movie.
(Real life) Jason: That’s enough Ben. I think this is where we came in. Ben: hey, it’s a well known fact that cameras can lie.
Ben: Yeah. It’s the big scene. The big finish, and I was going to ask you and dad to be in it. Jason: Yeah Ben. And I’m the president of the United States.
(Ben’s film) Jason (Playing President Bush): Here's your medal of honor Jim. For bravery above and
beyond the call of duty. Ben: Thank you very much Mr. President. Maggie (Playing Barbara Bush): May I say something young man? Ben: You see Mrs. Bush, you don’t actually have any lines here. Maggie: But you see any time an upstanding American boy tries to kiss a girl under false pretenses, its wrong. Got it? Ben: Yes mum. Maggie: And you'll find that young American women are much too clever to fall for such silly ploys.
(Real life) Laura-Lynn: Ben, you are shooting a scene without me? Ben: What are you doing here?
Laura-Lynn: Excuse me Mr. and Mrs. President. I've been thinking about what happened today and I was so wrong. Your movie was kind of a video love letter to me. The savvy stylish sophisticated woman whose giddiness makes you dizzy. You didn’t want to grope me at all. Ben: Finally we understand each other.Laura-Lynn: I'm ready to go back to work now. Ben: So what are we wasting our time on this dead beat scene for? Let’s go back to the beach. Maggie: Ben, what about your movie? Ben: Its over.Jason: Well Barbara, it looks like you and me have the whole house all to ourselves.Maggie: Oh George. Ben: Could you kiss again? I missed it.
(The End)
