Jason: Ok, don't worry. I'll stay right here. I just want to talk to you. Mr. Bodewell: Well I don't want to talk. I want to die. Jason: Walter, your problems are temporary. Death is permanent. You jump and there is no second chance. Walter what are you doing? Mr. Bodewell: I want to make sure I’m going to fit. I'll be damned if I’m going to get stuck in there. Jason: What happened this afternoon? Mr. Bodewell: The kids at the orphanage hated me. Jason: Well I find that hard to believe Walter. You played Santa to a bunch of eight year olds. Could it be that you misinterpreted the response? Mr. Bodewell: Oh you tell me. Jason: This Santa eats fruit cake.
Jason: Walter! (falls) Walter you want to be happy. You don't want to give up like this. Mr. Bodewell: Why shouldn't I? Tell me why shouldn't I give up? I mean if I can't make it as Santa Clause with a bunch of eight year old orphans, how am I supposed to make it as Walter Bodewell. Jason: Well you work at it Walter. You chip away at each problem. You speak from the heart,
occasionally without a prepared statement. And then when you listen back you know you start to sound just like everybody else. You're human Walter that means that occasionally you are going to have some pain and sometimes you are going to feel lonely. But if you just keep reaching out there is going to be someone there to lend you a hand.Mr. Bodewell: Thanks doc. Goodbye!Jason: Walter. Oh that's it, that's it. I see it now. It's a good idea Walter, I'm going to kill myself too! That's it. You just have a problem and you jump down the chimney Walter. Mr. Bodewell: No you can't do that.
Jason: Why not Walter? It's my chimney. Mr. Bodewell: What are you talking about? Jason: Walter! You think you're the only one with problems? Well I've got a problem too Walter, ‘cause I've got a big guy on my roof I've been counseling for four years, and he’s threatening to kill himself because I can't talk him out of it. I can't live with that on my conscience Walter. Mr. Bodewell: No!Jason: Excuse me, mind if I go first? Mr. Bodewell: No, I'm not going to let you do this. You have a wife and children. Jason: Yeah, their Christmas is pretty shot as it is. Mr. Bodewell: You are crazy. Jason: Don't try to stop me Walter. Mr. Bodewell: No Doc, I can't let you do this. Mr. Bodewell: Quit whining, it's really pathetic. Jason: It's not me. Mr. Bodewell: Well what it is? Ben: Oh, yap yap.
Mr. Bodewell: He died. Seventeen years ago. He was the last person I ever lived with.
Ben: Were you sad? Mr. Bodewell: Yeah.Ben: Did you cry? Mr. Bodewell: Yes. Ben: Are you still going to kill yourself? Mr. Bodewell: I don't know. Ben: Well if you don't kill yourself, you can have my puppy. ....Hello! Mr. Bodewell! Mum what happened to him?
Maggie: I don't know honey. Ben: Mr. Bodewell! Dad! Maggie: Jason! Jason! Jason: Yes. Mike and Carol: Dad! Ben: Mr. Bodewell! Maggie: Jason are you ok? Jason: Yes, I think we're ok. Ben: This is my puppy. Mr. Bodewell: He's a nice one. Ben: Merry Christmas. Mr. Bodewell: Ho ho! Ben: Ho!
Jason: Oh, thank you, thank you. Alright! 'Most improved cook of the year'. Everyone: Yes! Jason: Does that mean that you all want me to make Christmas dinner? Everyone: Uh, it's ok, no thank you... Jason: I'll thank you anyway. Maggie: We love you. Is this the exciting and romantic gift I’ve been waiting all day for? Jason: That's the one..Da da! Oh here, let me show you how it works. Maggie: Oh, let's see here. Oh Jason, they're beautiful. Thank you honey, thank you.
Jason: They look real don't they?Mr. Bodewell: Ben, I'm so sorry. There is no gift for you. Do you want Nick back? Ben: No Walter, he's yours. Jason: Walter, why don't you check the bag. Maybe Santa left something for Ben. Maggie: Yeah. Mr. Bodewell: No, it's empty. Carol: Well why don't you check it anyway. There might be something there. Mike: Yeah! Mr. Bodewell: No really. It's empty. See we put the ground beef in the freezer.. Mike: Walter, check the bag! Mr. Bodewell: Oh! Ok! Jason: Yes, I'll take him. Mr. Bodewell: Oh wow! There is a present for Ben. Ben: There is? Wow a puppy for me. He looks just like Nick. Mr. Bodewell: Well thank you. All of you, for everything. Nick is beautiful. Ben: So is my puppy. I think I'll name him...Walter. Everyone: Merry Christmas!
Ben: Well Walter, we'll just leave this little snack for Santa Clause. Which is not to say that I
(Bells ringing)
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believe in Santa Clause, but in life Walter, you’ll find it pays to hedge your bets? Santa: Ho ho ho. Merry Christmas!
Growing Pains 113 V2.0
Jason: Ok, now we've only got two days left to practise. So we've all got to help Carol work on her gutter ball Ben: But why Dad? It's perfect, it goes in the gutter every time. Jason: Come on Carol! Now, let's try this release. So suppose it's headed for the gutter. Now, what do we do? We lean to the left here and puller her over... Maggie: Over to the right, over to the right! Jason: Oohh! Maggie: Never mind. Carol: Perfect. Ben: Come on guys get it together. We've gotta kill the Cussmans this year. Jason: Now Ben, this is a neighbourly little game of ten pins. Let's not turn it into bowling for blood. Carol: Dad, they've beaten us three years in a row.
chant. Ben: Turkeys, Monkeys, Chipmunks, Beavers. They all bowl better than the Seavers. Jason: Well let's kill the Cussmans! Maggie: Let's kill them! Woooo!! Jason: Come on Maggie! We can do them! Maggie: Ok, ok. You ready? Alright. Jason: At a girl!
Maggie: Oh well, how can we lose? We've got our new secret weapon, Mike "the strike" Seaver.
Jason: Yeah. You know his average is up to one eighty seven. Maggie: Oh good. Jason: There he is now. (everybody cheers Mike) Everybody: We're number one! We're number one! Mike: Ok, here we go. Jason: The Seaver magic. Mike: Ok. Watch...carefully. Here we go. Maggie: Ok. Jason: Never misses.
Everybody: Wooo!!! Mike: Yes thank you, thank you, and now there's just one more thing I'd like to say...Carol, I'll give you three Dollars, if you write me a Neo Symbolist poem. Jason: Mike. Why would you want your sister to write you a Neo Symbolist poem? Mike: Dad, the most wonderful thing happened to me at school today. Maggie: Mike? Mike: I forgot what I was gonna say. Oh...Ok.
(We look in Mike’s memory to his day at school) Teacher: Aaaahhhh Mike. Can you explain for us the significance of the sea, in Moby Dick? Mike: Ah, sure, sure. It's the letter between the I and the K.
Maggie: Mike! Mike: Hey look, look. I know what you guys are thinking, but I'm just going to use this poem to get her to talk to me. Then I'll be myself. Jason: Well, if you guys think that a three Dollar poem is any substitute for real and honest communication, then go ahead. Carol: Mike, Dad's right. Real and honest is going to cost you five.
Juliette: "with eyes that scan the distance, with feet that cross the sand. With thoughts that keep me dreaming, this place is where I stand. I hate my mother."
Mike: Ah. Ah. Way to write, Juliette. Oh. Ah. Was that a poem, or what guys? Teacher: Err, thank you Juliette. Does anyone else have anything they'd like to read out to the class? Mike: Ah, Miss Jeffers, I have a little poem, I'd kind o' like to recite for the class today. Teacher: This isn't going to get me fired, is it? Mike: Miss Jeffers, you know how they always say, that despite all the hardships of teaching, there are those rare moments that make it all worth while. Teacher: Yes. Mike: This one's for you. "Let us go then, you and I, when the evening is spread out like a swatted fly. Life being Miasmic, somewhat protoplasmic. What does it matter, if raindrops
Ben: I'm a child pr...pr... Jason: Prodigy Ben. Mike: Yeah, Ben, see. I just told Juliette that you were sort of a...erm...Well that you were a genius at Philosophy. So whenever I wink at you like this. I want you to read on of these little phrases here. Alright, let's try one. Ben: I think, therefore I am. Mike: Good!! Good! Jason: Mike! This is ridiculous. Maggie: Mike, you don't seriously expect us to tell Juliette that we're all these things? Mike: Oh come on Mom! I'm just trying to make you guys look good.
Jason: Oh, I appreciate that Mike. But you're asking us to lie...and badly. Mike: Oh come on guys. Just one night. Bare with me! Look, if you can't count on your family at a crucial moment in your life, who can you count on? Juliette! Juliette: Mikhail. Jason: To think, we came that close to naming him that in the first place. Mike: Ah, Mom, Dad, this is Juliette. Juliette, these are my parents. Maggie: Hello Juliette. Juliette: Mikhail’s told me so much about you. Sounds like you have a fascinating life. Ben: Yes. But what is life? Mike: Ah, so profound for one who's nine. Don't you think? But then I guess it runs in the family.
Because Lord knows that most suburbanites are brain dead. Which reminds me...Mishka. I was wondering if you'd like to come to the city with me to see some performance art? Jason: Oh, go Mike. No go! Because lord knows you can't get a decent piece of performance art in the suburbs.. Mike: Yeah! You know? That really burns me up. Juliette: Tomorrow is the last night of Gerhardt's performance piece. And there's no one I'd rather see it with than you. Mike: Well then, it's a date. Maggie: Mike! Mike: Yea Ma.
Maggie: Aren't you forgetting something? Jason: Yeah. A prior commitment like something else for tomorrow night. Carol: One that's very very important to your entire family. Mike: Ah, gee, no. I don't think I had any plans for tomorrow night. Ben: Sure you do Mike. We're supposed to go.... Juliette: Mishka What is he doing? Mike: Ah. He's dancing. Yes, incredibly enough, little Ben here is a Philosopher, and a modern dancer. Now...er...he's got a recital tomorrow night. But once you've seen one little Philosopher dance, you've seen 'em all. Juliette: So, we're on? Mike: Great, we're on. Juliette: Aurevoir, Mishka.
Mike: Oh yeah. Yes, I love this thing. I mean I haven't seen cow essence before, but this... Juliette: Andre!! Fabbrisio!! Andre: Oh Juliette! Juliette: God, I haven't seen you since the Gertrud Steinerthon. This is a good friend of mine, Michael Seaver. Michael is a poet. Fabbrisio: Oh, look! The performance piece is about to start. Juliette: Oh, I hear it's brilliant. Performance: Arang Utan's bark at the sound of sunlight. Why are there no Lumberjacks. Big big cities. Big cities!! Big Cities! Big Cities!Juliette: Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!
Fabbrisio: It's a perfect commentary on the fashions and foibles of middle class America. Mike: Oh, yes, yes, absolutely; fashions and foibles! Fashions and foibles! Juliette: Oh, Mishka, you can't be serious. It's obviously a plea for nuclear disarmament. Mike: Ah. Obviously. Yes, nuclear disarmament. You'd have to be dumb as a post to miss that. Fabbrisio: So, you're saying that it's a comment on contemporary fashions, and nuclear disarmament? Mike: Yes. Yes, right...erm...I mean everybody knows that contemporary fashions are obviously nuclear, and that's disarming.
Jason: Alright team! Let's go!! Give me and S! Maggie, Ben and Carol: s. Jason: gimme an E! Maggie, Ben and Carol: e. Jason: Alright, I'll finish it myself. A! V! E! R!, what does it spell? Maggie, Ben and Carol: Losers.
Family: E! Jason: A! Family: A! Jason: V!
Family: V! Jason: E! Family: E! Jason: Gimme an R!! Family: R!! Jason: What have you got? Family: Losers!!
Juliette: So, Michael, why don't we talk about your work? Michael read the most remarkable
poem the other day. Mike: Ah, it was just a little something from my recent Neo Symbolist period. Fabbrisio: Really? What were you before you became a Neo Symbolist? Mike: I was a...erm...a Neosenephron. Juliette: Oh. A joke! How funny!! Fabbrisio: Er...well, Michael, why don't you read on of your poems to us no? Juliette: Yes, now. Right now. Everybody, I'd like to introduce Michael Seaver, an exciting... Mike: Ah, Juliette, I can't do that.Juliette: Why not? Mike: I didn't even bring my poem.Juliette: So what! Why don't you recite one of your older works? Mike: Ah, no, no, actually I couldn't do that. Juliette: What are you talking about Michael?
Fabbrisio: Well, it's just, it's such a disgusting image. I mean two entire families rolling balls for meat.
Mike: Hey, cut to the salad, and choice of rice and potato, ok? Juliette: I don't believe this. You are one of those people that bowls, and hangs out at malls and...eats hot dogs on a stick. Mike: Yeah! Yeah, I guess I am. So what's wrong with that? Maybe I like mauls, maybe I like bowling!! Juliette: Michael, will you please lower your voice. Mike: What? Why? Are you ashamed of me Juliette? You're ashamed of being seen here with me? Juliette: This is really embarrassing. Mike: Oh! You want embarrassing? I'll give you embarrassing!! Hey! Buddy, you wanna...you
wanna know why there's no Lumberjacks in the big cities Huh Because they're out in the mauls eating hotdogs on sticks.
Carol: It's over. Ben: We're dead. Maggie: It's hopeless! Jason: Oh, come on guys!! We've only lost two games! Maggie: We've only played two games. Ben: I hate the Cussmans.
Family: We're number one! Yes! We're number one! Hey! We're number one! Hey! We're number one! Hey! Jason: Alright, alright. Attention please. On behalf of the entire Seaver family, I'm talking about Fud, Spud, Mud, and of course myself, Bud. May I present this to the man who led us to victory. Maggie: Yeah Mike!! Carol and Ben: Woooo!! Mike: Well, I guess when all's said and done, it's your family who knows you best. Mike! "Stud"! Seaver!
Jason: Number one.
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Growing Pains 114 First Blood
Mike: Look, Jennifer. It's not I don't want to go with you Saturday, just that I'd got that pair of commitment. Emm, I'm donating a kidney. Ah, Look, don't tell anybody. Well, 'cause everybody want one. Look, If due falls I'll let you know. Ok. Bye bye. Jason: You turn down the date with Jennifer Miller? Carol: Jennifer Wonderbangs Miller?
Mike: All right, dad, I gonna make her melt. I've never seen Wonderbangs melt before. Wait a minute, I don't even know how to dance. Jason: That's all right. No problem. Come on here, we'll give you a try. Not with me, with your mother. Maggie: If we try to do, we should try... Glide, right...
