文章简介

《90秒内赢得好感 How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less》

作者：[美]Nicholas Boothman尼古拉斯·布斯曼【完结】

内容简介：

Hard to believe anything other than luck and maybe fate, never mind a book, can make someone fall in love with you, but oddly enough, Leil Lowndes seems to offer the advice that can do just that in How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You. The sensation of falling in love comes from a chemical secreted by the nervous system, phenylethylamine (or PEA, as Lowndes calls it, as in "Scientists tell us only PEA-brained people fall in Love"), and the trick is to trigger the manufacture of PEA in your potential love partner, giving him or her the sensation of being in love. Lowndes offers 85 techniques for "Hunters and Huntresses" to capture their "Quarry." Much of what the book offers is common sense--the power of eye contact and compliments--but it's presented in a new way and with such detail that it seems that it can't help but work.

《90秒内赢得好感》介绍了在沟通中如何给对方留下好的印象，并维持长久而良好的关系。作者认为人们在最初沟通时的前90秒是至关重要的，《90秒内赢得好感》专注于这一点，首先对人们的沟通过程进行了剖析，之后介绍了如何倾听、如何洞察对方的感官偏好等，最后提供了有助于提高交往能力的练习题，易用、有效。《90秒内赢得好感》适用于面试、销售、管理、观点推介、入学申请，以及寻找知己。沟通是建立人际关系的基本要素，但并非所有人都能准确把握。

Acknowledgments

What a glorious piece of synchronicity. My beautifulfriend Kerry Nowensky, who commanded, "Write it down!

Now!" My guardian angel Dorothea Helms, who said, "It'stime to get yourself a great agent." My amazing agentSheree Bykofsky, who bombarded me with support andcommitment. The charismatic book publisher PeterWorkman, who brings all his sense to bear on a book andsurrounds himself with the finest talent to be found. Andjust when you thought you've seen and heard it all, alongcomes the astonishing Sally Kovalchick, who blows youaway with her ability to inhale a manuscript and exhale afinished book.

I offer you all my heartfelt thanks. You are livingproof that other people are our greatest resource.

Preface

The "secret" of success is not very hard to figureout. The better you are at connecting with otherpeople, the better the quality of your life.

I first discovered the secrets of getting along withpeople during my career as a fashion and advertisingphotographer. Whether it was working with a singlemodel for a page in Vogue or 400 people aboard a ship topromote a Norwegian cruise line, it was obvious that forme photography was more about clicking with peoplethan about clicking with a camera. What's more, it didn'tmatter if the shoot was taking place in the lobby of theRitz Hotel in San Francisco or a ramshackle hut on theside of a mountain in Africa: the principles for establishingrapport were universal.

For as long as I can remember, I have found it easy toget along with people. Could it be a gift? Is there such athing as a natural talent for getting along with people, oris it something we learn along the way? And if it can belearned, can it be taught? I decided to find out.

I knew from 25 years of shooting still photographsfor magazines all over the world that attitude and bodylanguage are paramount to creating a strong visualimpression—magazine ads have less than two seconds tocapture the reader's attention. I was also aware that therexiiiwas a way of using body language and voice tone to makeperfect strangers feel comfortable and cooperative. Mythird realization was that a few well-chosen words couldevoke expression, mood and action in almost any subject.

With these insights under my belt, I decided to look a littledeeper.

Why is it easier to get on with some people than withothers? Why can I have an interesting conversation witha person I've just met, while someone else might dismissthat same person as boring or threatening? Clearly,something must be happening on a level beyond ourconscious awareness, but what is it?

It was at this point in my quest that I came across theearly work of Drs. Richard Bandler and John Grinder atUCLA in a subject with the unwieldy name of Neuro-Linguistic Programming, NLP for short. Many of thethings I had been doing intuitively as a photographer,these two men and their colleagues had documentedand analyzed as "the art and science of personal excellence."Among a fountain of new insights, they revealedthat everyone has a "favorite sense." Find this sense andyou have the key to unlock a person's heart and mind.

As my new path became clearer, I set aside my camerasand resolved to focus on how people work on theinside as well as how they look on the outside. Over thenext few years, I studied with Dr. Bandler in London andNew York and earned a license as a Master Practitionerxivof NLP. I studied Irresistible Language Patterns in theUnited States, Canada and England, and delved intoeverything to do with the brain's part in human connectivity.

I worked with actors, comedians and drama teachersin America and storytellers in Africa to adaptimprovisational drills into exercises that enhance conversationalskills.

Since then I have gone on to give seminars and talksall over the world, working with all kinds of groups andindividuals from sales teams to teachers, from leadersof organizations who thought they knew it all to childrenso shy that people thought they were dim-witted. Andone thing became very clear: making people like you in90 seconds or less is a skill that can be taught to anyonein a natural, easy way.

Over and over I have been told, "Nick, this is amazing.

Why don't you write it down?" Well, I listened, and Ihave. And here it is.

—N.B.

Part 1 People power

like you, the welcome mat is out and a connection isyours for the making. Other people are your greatestresource. They give birth to you; they feed you, dressyou, provide you with money, make you laugh and cry;they comfort you, heal you, invest your money, serviceyour car and bury you. We can't live without them. Wecan't even die without them.

Connecting is what our ancestors were doing thou-sands of years ago when they gathered around the fireto eat woolly mammoth steaks or stitch together the latestanimal-hide fashions. It's what we do when we holdquilting bees, golf tournaments, conferences and yardsales; it underlies our cultural rituals from the serious tothe frivolous, from weddings and funerals to Barbie Dollconventions and spaghetti-eating contests.

3Even the most antisocial of artists and poets whospend long, cranky months painting in a studio or composingin a cubicle off their bedroom are usually hopingthat through their creations they will eventually connectwith the public. And connection lies at the very heart ofthose three pillars of our democratic civilization: government,religion and television. Yes, television. Giventhat you can discuss Friends or The X-Files with folksfrom Berlin to Brisbane, a case must be made for thetube's ability to help people connect all over the globe.

Thousands of people impact all aspects of our lives, beit the weatherman at the TV studio in a neighboring city, orthe technician at a phone company across the continent,or the woman in Tobago who picks the mangoes for yourfruit salad. Every day, wittingly or unwittingly, we make amyriad of connections with people around the world.

Chapter 1 The Benefits of Connecting

Our personal growth and evolution (and the evolutionof societies) come about as a result of connectingwith our fellow humans, whether as a band of youngwarriors setting out on a hunt or as a group of coworkersheading out to the local pizzeria after work onFriday. As a species, we are instinctively driven to cometogether and form groups of friends, associations andcommunities. Without them, we cannot exist.

4Making connections is what our gray matter does best.

It receives information from our senses and processes itby making associations. The brain delights in and learnsfrom these associations. It grows and flourishes whenit's making connections.

People do the same thing. It's a scientific fact thatpeople who connect live longer. In their gem of a book,Keep Your Brain Alive, Lawrence Katz and Manning Rubinquote studies by the McArthur Foundation and the InternationalLongevity Center in New York and at the Universityof Southern California. These studies show thatpeople who stay socially and physically active havelonger life spans. This doesn't mean hanging out with thesame old crowd and peddling around on an exercisebike. It means getting out and making new friends.

When you make new connections in the outsideworld, you make new connections in the inside world—in your brain. This keeps you young and alert. EdwardM. Hallowell, in his very savvy book Connect, cites the1979 Alameda County Study by Dr. Lisa Berkman of theHarvard School of Health Sciences. Dr. Berkman and herteam carefully looked at 7,000 people, aged 35 to 65,over a period of nine years. Their study concluded thatpeople who lack social and community ties are almostthree times more likely to die of medical illness thanthose who have more extensive contacts. And all this isindependent of socioeconomic status and health practicessuch as smoking, alcoholic beverage consumption,obesity or physical activity!

Other people can also help you take care of your needsand desires. Whatever it is you'd like in this life—romance, a dream job, a ticket to the Rose Bowl—thechances are pretty high that you'll need someone's helpto get it. If people like you, they will be disposed to giveyou their time and their efforts. And the better the qualityof rapport you have with them, the higher the levelof their cooperation.

Connect and Feel SafeConnecting is good for the community. After all, a communityis the culmination of a lot of connections: commonbeliefs, achievements, values, interests andgeography. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither wasDetroit. Three thousand years ago, in what today we callRome, Indo-Europeans connected to hunt, survive andgenerally look out for one another. Three hundred yearsago, a French trader turned up to create a safe haven forhis fur business; he started making connections andpretty soon Detroit was born.

We have a basic, physical need for other people;there are shared, mutual benefits in a community, so we6look out for each other. A connected community providesits members with strength and safety. When wefeel strong and safe, we can put our energy into evolvingsocially, culturally and spiritually.

Connect and Feel LoveFinally, we benefit from each other emotionally. We arenot closed, self-regulating systems, but open loops regulated,disciplined, encouraged, reprimanded, supportedand validated by the emotional feedback we receivefrom others. From time to time, we meet someone whoinfluences our emotions and vital body rhythms in sucha pleasurable way that we call it love. Be it through bodylanguage, gestures, facial expressions, tone of voice orwords alone, other people make our hard times morebearable, our good times much sweeter.

We use the emotional input of other humans asmuch as we do the air we breathe and the food we eat.

Deprive us of emotional and physical contact (a hugand a smile can go a long way), and we will wither anddie just as surely as if we were deprived of food. That'swhy we hear stories of children in orphanages whogrow sickly and weak despite being adequately fed andclothed. People with autism may desire emotional andphysical contact but can languish because they are hinderedby their lack of social skills. And how often haveyou heard about one spouse in a 50-year marriage who,

Chapter 2 Face to face

The Internet has been touted as the ultimate tool forbringing people together into shared communities ofinterest. And it's true: if you're searching for otherteddy bear collectors in Toledo or mud wrestlers in Minsk,you'll find them on the Web. For people who are houseboundbecause of disabilities or illness, the Web can alsobe a godsend.

Still, we have to remember that spending hours in frontof a screen, typing into cyberspace, is a poor substitute forthe full spectrum of experience offered by face-to-face timewith another person. You might well meet someone in a chatroom who interests you romantically, but would you agreeto marry before meeting a few times in person?

You need to be in a person's presence for a while in orderto pick up all the verbal and nonverbal cues. The atmospherecreated by physical and mental presence is as important assurface attraction, if not more so. For example, what sort ofenvironment do the two of you create? How spontaneous areyou? How strong is your need for conversation? What aboutyour openness, supportiveness and companionship?

If you don't meet each other's emotional needs, you maybe heading for failure. These things can only be determinedby face-to-face contact. Only then can you tell if you'rereally "connecting."despite being medically healthy, dies a few shortmonths or even weeks after the death of the otherspouse? Food and shelter aren't enough. We need eachother, and we need love.

Chapter 3 Why Likability Works

If people like you, they feel natural and comfortablearound you. They will give you their attention andhappily open up for you.

Likability has something to do with how you look buta lot more to do with how you make people feel. My oldnanny, who brought me up to be passionate about people,used to talk about having "a sunny disposition."She'd take me out on the promenade, and we'd spot thepeople who had sunny dispositions and all those whowere "sourpusses." She told me we can choose what wewant to be, and then we'd laugh at the sourpussesbecause they looked so serious.

Likable people give loud and clear signals of theirwillingness to be sociable; they reveal that their publiccommunication channels are open. Embedded in thesesignals is evidence of self-confidence, sincerity andtrust. Likable people expose a warm, easygoing publicface with an outgoing radiance that states, "I am readyto connect. I am open for business." They are welcomingand friendly, and they get other people's attention.

Chapter 4 Why 90 seconds?

9"Time is precious." "Time costs money." "Don'tI waste my time." Time has become an increasinglysought-after commodity. We budget our time, make itstand still, slow it down or speed it up, lose sense of itand distort it; we even buy timesaving devices. Yet timeis one of the few things we can't save—it is foreverunfolding.

In bygone days, we were inherently more respectfulof one another and devoted more time to theniceties of getting to know someone and explore commonground. In the hustle and bustle of life today, werush about with so many deadlines attached to everythingthat unfortunately we don't have the time, ortake the time, to invest in getting to know each otherwell. We look for associations, make appraisals andassumptions, and form decisions all within a few secondsand frequently before a word is even spoken.