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You'll discover how your body language appeals tosome but not others and how, by making a few adjustmentsto your own movements, you can positively affectthe way people feel about you.

Then we'll delve deep into the warm and welcomingworld of synchrony. You'll learn how to align yourselfwith the signals other people send you so that they'llfeel a natural familiarity and comfort around you. We'llalso discuss the massive importance of voice tone andhow it influences the moods and emotions we want toconvey.

A whole chapter is devoted to starting and maintainingsparkling conversation. We'll explore all the ways toopen people up and avoid closing them down. We'll alsodeal with compliments, obtaining free information andbeing memorable.

Finally we'll go even deeper, down to the very coreof the human psyche. The astonishing truth is thatalthough we navigate the world through our five senses,each of us has one sense that we rely on more than theother four. I'll show you how people are giving cluesabout their favorite sense all the time and how you can23move onto the same sensory wavelength as theirs. Dopeople who rely mainly on their ears differ from thosewho rely mainly on their eyes? Darn right they do, andyou'll find out how to tailor your approach to communicatewith them.

Each chapter includes at least one exercise that willhelp you realize the power of connecting. Some of theseexercises can be done alone, but others you have to dowith a partner. Let's face it, face-to-face communicationand rapport skills are interactive activities—you can'tlearn to do them all by yourself.

So there it is. Connecting. All day long, men, womenand children give away vital keys to what makes themtick—to how they experience and filter the world—through their body language, their tone of voice, their eyemovements and their choice of words. They simply cannothelp doing this. Now it's up to you to learn how to usethis wonderful, nonstop flood of information to achieveimproved outcomes and more satisfying relationships.

Part 3 There's something about this person i really like!

Whether you're trying to make a sale, get a date or wangle out of a traffic ticket, you need to establish rapport. Sometimes rapport just happens naturally and you've no clue why, The job gets done, the conversation flows, the cop tears up theticket. But how often have you found yourself in asituation where, no matter how hard you try, youjust can't seem to connect with another person—and it makes no sense? After all, you know you're afine, decent human being. Maybe you're even a fabu-lous, wildly attractive human being. But no matterwhat you say or do, you don't establish rapport andyou can't connect.

You're not alone. Being a decent sort is not enoughto guarantee good rapport with another person. In thedictionary, "rapport" is defined as "harmonious or27sympathetic communication." In our interpersonalcommunications, we go through certain routines whenwe first meet a new person. If these routines work outand rapport is established, we can begin to deliver ourcommunication with some certainty that it will beaccepted and given serious consideration. Seriousconsideration is vital because the fundamental outcomeof rapport is the perception of credibility, whichin turn will lead to mutual trust. If credibility is notestablished, the messenger and not the message maybecome the focus of attention, and that attention willharbor discomfort.

But when we experience the world through the sameeyes, ears and feelings as others, we are so bonded, orsynchronized, with them that they can't help but knowwe understand them. This means being so much likethem that they trust us and feel comfortable with us—that they say to themselves subconsciously, "I don'tknow what it is about this person, but there's somethingI really like."Research has shown that we have approximately90 seconds to make a favorable impression when wefirst meet someone. What happens in those 90 secondscan determine whether we succeed or fail at achievingrapport. In fact, frequently we have even less than 90seconds!

Chapter 1 Natural Rapport

Attraction is present everywhere in the universe.

Whether you want to call it magnetism, polarity,electricity, thought, intelligence or charisma, it's stillattraction, and it invests everything—animal, vegetableor mineral. We form synchronized partnerships naturally,and although they are hardly noticeable to some,they are quite tangible to others.

We have always relied on emotional contact and signalsfrom our parents, peers, teachers and friends toguide us through our lives. We are influenced by theiremotional feedback, their gestures and their way ofdoing things. When your mother or father sat a certainway, you would do the same; if a cool friend or a moviestar walks a certain way, you might adopt a similar gait.

We learn by aligning ourselves with the signals otherpeople send us. They impress their way of being on us.

We synchronize what we like about them.

People with common interests have natural rapport.

The reason you get along so well with your close friendsis that you have similar interests, similar opinions andmaybe even similar ways of doing things. Sure, you willoften find plenty to differ on and argue about, but essentiallyyou are very much like each other.

We human beings are social animals. We live in com29munities. It's far more "normal" and even logical for peopleto get along with one another than it is for them toargue, fight and not get along. The irony is that societyhas conditioned us to be afraid of each other—to set upboundaries between ourselves and others. We live in asociety that pretends to find its unity through love butin actuality finds it through fear. The media scare us halfto death with headlines and advertisements continuallytelling us of earthquakes and airplane crashes and askingus if we have enough insurance, are we too fat, toothin, does the smoke detector work and what aboutthose high funeral expenses? Natural rapport is a primerequirement for our sanity, our evolution and, indeed,our survival.

Chapter 2 Rapport by Chance

Perhaps you have traveled abroad to a country wherepeople don't speak your language and you don'tunderstand theirs. You feel a little uncomfortable—evensuspicious—when you can't be understood. Then suddenlyyou meet someone from your own country, maybeyour own state. This person speaks your language, andwhammo, you have a new best friend—for your vacationat least. You might share experiences, opinions, insights,where to find the best restaurants and bargains. You willdoubtless exchange personal information about family30and work. All this and much more because you share alanguage. That's rapport by chance. Maybe your enthusiasmwill lead you to continue that friendship afterreturning home, only to discover that apart from languageand location the two of you have nothing in commonand the relationship fizzles out all by itself.

This isn't limited to language and geography. Chanceencounters happen on almost a daily basis to all of us—at work, in the supermarket, at the Laundromat or thebus stop.

The key to establishing rapport with strangers isto learn how to become like them. Fortunately,this is both very simple and a lot of fun to do. Itallows you to look on each new encounter as apuzzle, a game, a joy.

Rapport by DesignWWhen the interests or the behavior of two or morepeople are synchronized, these people are saidto be in rapport. As we already know, rapport can happenin response to a shared interest or when you findyourself in certain situations or circumstances. Butwhen none of these conditions is present, there is away to establish rapport "by design"—and that's whatthis book is about.

Chapter 3 Common Ground

31MMark is attending a formal dinner, eight to a table.

He hates coming to these events and as usualis stuck for words. He's beginning to get thatsquirmy feeling. He doesn't know anyone except for hisaccountant, who's sitting at the other end of the banquethall and making everyone laugh. Suddenly the guest acrossfrom him, a young woman in a shiny blue dress who caughthis eye a few moments ago even though they hadn't spoken,tells the man on her left that she is an avid stamp collector.

Gust like Mark!

Mark is relieved and overjoyed because chance has givenhim an excuse to talk to her. They have something in common—stamps. Mark speaks up and tells Tanya all about hisrare 1948 Poached Egg stamp and how he found it when hisPontiac broke down in Cortlandville in upper New YorkState. With both elbows on the edge of the table and a -.

When we set out to establish rapport by design, wepurposely reduce the distance and differences betweenanother person and ourselves by finding commonground. When this happens, we feel a natural connectionwith the person, or persons, because we are akin—we have become like each other.

As rapport develops between Mark and Tanya in the32finger poised gently on her cheek, close to her ear, Tanyaleans toward Mark; her pupils dilate slightly as her shouldersbecome softer and more relaxed. Mark too leans forwardon his elbows, smiling as Tanya smiles, nodding asshe nods. She sips her water; he finds himself doing thesame ...

Mark and Tanya have established rapport. They connectedand initiated a relationship through a commoninterest. Their rapport is evident on many levels—thecues and rhythms they are taking from and sending toeach other, the imperceptible modifications of behaviorthey are making without thinking. The shared interesthas given them proximity, and they are adjusting to oneanother. Who knows where it will lead? They like eachother because they are like each other, and the danceof rapport has begun to calibrate itself. They havemade a favorable connection in 90 seconds or less.

story box above, there is a lot more going on than meetsthe eye. The average person would perhaps not notice,but to the trained eye and ear there is plenty happening.

As their shared interest in stamps emerges, so does asimilarity in their behavior toward each other. Bodylanguage, facial expressions, tone of voice, eye contact,breathing patterns, body rhythms and many more33physiological activities come into alignment. Simply put,they unconsciously start to behave in a like manner.

They start synchronizing their actions.

Rapport by design is established by deliberatelyaltering your behavior, just for a short time, in order tobecome like the other person. You become an adapter,just long enough to establish a connection. Preciselywhat you can adapt and how to do it is what you areabout to learn in the chapters that follow.

All you will need at your disposal is your attitude,your appearance, your body, your facial expressions,your eyes, the tone and rhythms of your voice, your talentfor structuring words into engaging conversationand your about-to-be-revealed gift for discoveringanother person's favorite sense. Add to this an ability tolisten to and observe other people and a very large helpingof curiosity. No gadgets, no appliances, no aphrodisiacs,no pills, no checkbook, no big stick. Just thewonderful gifts you were born with—and your heartwarmingdesire for the company of other people.

Part 4 attitude is everything

Your mind and your body are part of the same system. They influence each other. When you're happy, you look happy, you sound happy and you use happy words. Tyr to be miserable while you jump in the air and clap your hands, or try to be happy as youslouch in a chair and let your head droop. Your atti-tude controls your mind, and your mind delivers thebody language.

Attitudes set the quality and mood of your thoughts,your voice tone, your spoken words. Most importantly,they govern your facial and body language. Attitudesare like trays on which we serve ourselves up to otherpeople. Once your mind is set into a particular attitude,you have very little ongoing conscious control over thesignals your body sends out. Your body has a mind ofits own, and it will play out the patterns of behaviorassociated with whatever attitude you find yourselfexperiencing.

Chapter 1 A Really Useful Attitude

No matter what you do or where you live, the qualityof your attitude determines the quality of yourrelationships—not to mention just about everythingelse in your life.

I have been using the same bank branch for the lasteight years. From time to time, someone I've neverheard of before sends me a letter (spelling my namewrong) to tell me what a pleasure it is to have me as aspecial customer. No matter how hard they try toimprove their "personalized" service, however, banksare pretty much the same all over, and my bank is reallyno different from the rest. So why do I still bank thereeven though two new, competing banks have recentlyopened much closer to where I live? Convenience?

Obviously not. Better rates? Nope. More services? No.

It's none of these things. It's Joanne, one of the tellers.

What does Joanne offer that the institution can't? Shemakes me feel good. I believe she cares about me, andother customers feel the same way about her. You cantell by the way they talk with her. This charming ladybrightens up the whole place.

How does Joanne do it? Simple. She knows what shewants: to please the customers and do her job well. Shehas a Really Useful Attitude or, to be more precise, twofully congruent Really Useful Attitudes. She is both36cheery and interested, and everybody benefits: me thecustomer, her colleagues, her company, no doubt herfamily and, above all, herself. What Joanne sends outwith her Really Useful Attitude comes back to her athousandfold and becomes a joyous, self-fulfilling reality.

And it doesn't cost a cent.

Chapter 2 A Really Useless Attitude

Any two people can have wildly different attitudestoward the same set of experiences. However, whentwo people react to the same experience with the sameattitude, they share a powerful natural bond. Attitudeshave the tendency to be infectious, and because theyare rooted in emotional interpretation of experiences,they can be distorted and shaped; they can be woundup or wound down.

What happens when people lose control and becomeangry? They look belligerent (body language), theirvoice tone is harsh and they use menacing words. Theycan be very scary to be around. From the point of viewof making people like you, or even getting willing cooperation,we call this a Really Useless Attitude. How oftenhave you seen infuriated parents berating their childrenfor knocking over the bananas at the supermarket? Orbored, uninterested shop assistants? Or cranky, impatientdoctors? They are all putting out useless attitudes.

37how to make people like youI'm not saying whether this is right or wrong; I'm justpointing out that from a communications standpoint itdoesn't deliver the message very well. Assuming theyhave a message. And that's often the point. Useless attitudestend to come from people who don't know whatthey really want from their communication.