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Remember, the "K" in "KFC" stands for "Knowwhat you want." If you don't know what youwant, there's no message to deliver and no basisfor connecting with other people.

Most people think in terms of what they don't wantas opposed to what they do want, and their attitudesreflect this. "I don't want my boss yelling at me anymore"comes with a whole different attitude than "1 wantmy boss's job" or "I want to be promoted." Similarly, "I'msick of selling neckties all day long" sends a completelydifferent attitude and set of signals to your imaginationthan does "I want to run a charter fishing boat in HoneyHarbor."Your imagination is the strongest force that youpossess—stronger than willpower. Think about it. Yourimagination projects sensory experiences in your mindthrough the language of pictures, sounds, feelings,smells and tastes. Your imagination distorts reality. Itcan work for you or against you. It can make you feel38terrific or miserable. So the better the information youcan feed into your imagination, the better it can organizeyour thinking and your attitudes and ultimately your life.

Chapter 3 It's Your Choice

he good news is that attitudes are yours to select.

And if you're free to choose any one you please, whynot choose a Really Useful Attitude?

Let's say you just flew into Miami International Airportand you missed your connection for Omaha. Yousimply have to get on the next flight at all costs, so yougo up to the airline desk and shout at the representative.

This is a Really Useless Attitude. If what you want is toget the attendant's maximum help, the best thing you cando is to find a Really Useful Attitude that will create rapportand get his cooperation.

I'll probably regret saying this, but I've talked myway out of dozens of automobile-related tickets (I'vealso failed a few times) and not just for parking infractions.

I'm absolutely convinced that if I'd started bytelling the officer his radar was off or by losing my temperand getting angry and telling him I'm the mayor'scousin and I'll never visit this town again, I'd bedoomed from the start. If I want the officer to like me,to be understanding and not give me a ticket, then Ihave to assume a Really Useful Attitude like "I'm sorry"39or "Fair enough" or "My, what a fool I am" or "Oh wow,yes, thanks!"The last time I got stopped, the officer followed meinto the village supermarket parking lot and pulled toa stop across the back of my car; I got out and walked tohis car. From his physical appearance, with his beardand body set, I figured he was a Kinesthetic, or feeling-based person (you'll learn more about this later), so thefirst words out of my mouth were "Fair and square."That's because there was no doubt I was in the wrong.

He gave me a well-deserved speech about what I'd doneand let me off with a warning. The point is that my attitudeset the tone of the encounter—because I knewwhat I wanted.

In face-to-face situations, your attitude precedesyou. It is the central force in your life—it controlsthe quality and appearance of everything you do.

It doesn't take much imagination to dream up someReally Useless Attitudes—anger, impatience, conceit,boredom, cynicism—so why not take a moment to contemplateand feel a Really Useful Attitude? When youmeet someone for the first time, you can be curious,enthusiastic, inquiring, helpful or engaging. Or myfavorite—warm. There's something intoxicating aboutwarm human contact; in fact, scientists have discov40ered that it can generate the release of opiates in thebrain—how about that for a Really Useful Attitude?

Needless to say, all the above are more useful thanrevenge and disrespect.

Ask yourself, "What do I want, right now, at this mo-ment? And which attitude will serve me best?" Remem-ber, there are only two types of attitudes to consider

Chapter 4 Triggering Happy Memories

You know how certain sounds can remind you of somethingspecial in your life? When I was eight, my mothertook me to a resort where I stood next to a man makingfresh doughnuts while Paul Anka sang "Diana" in the background.

Now, whenever I hear this song, it triggers the smellof fresh doughnuts and the memory of that happy holiday.

It's the song that triggers the memory. A trigger can be asound or something visual. It can also be a feeling oraction. And believe it or not, it can be a clenched fist.

Follow the steps below, and you'll see what I mean. Usethe hand you write with and clench your fist tightly. Thenrelease. Repeat the action a couple of times. This will beyour trigger.

1. Pick a Really Useful Attitude—one that you know will beuseful when you first meet someone. It can be curious,resourceful, warm or patient, or any attitude you thinkwill work for you. But it must be one that you haveexperienced at some time in your life and can recallon demand.

2. Find a comfortable spot, quiet and not too bright, whereyou won't be disturbed for 10 minutes. Sit down, placeboth feet on the floor, breathe slowly into your abdomen(not your chest) and relax. -.

423. Now you're ready. Close your eyes and picture a time inyour life when you felt the attitude you have chosen.

In your mind's eye, make a picture of this specific event.

Put in all the detail you can remember. What was in theforeground and background? Is the picture sharp or fuzzy,black-and-white or color? Is it large or small? Take yourtime and make it as real as you can. Now step into thatpicture and look out through your own eyes. Take note ofwhat you see.

4. Next, bring up the sounds associated with this picture.

Notice where the sounds come from: the left, the right, infront or behind? How loud or soft are they? What kinds ofsounds are they? Music? Voices? Listen to the tone andthe volume and the rhythm. Listen deeply, and the soundswill come flooding back. Listen to the quality of eachsound and try to hear how it contributes to your chosenattitude.

5. Bring in the physical sensations associated with the event:

the feel of the things around you, the air temperature,your clothing, your hair, what you're standing or sittingon. Next, notice the feelings inside your body. Wheredo they begin? Perhaps they move around in your body.

Move your concentration deep into these wonderfulfeelings and enjoy them. Ride with them. Notice anysmells and tastes that want to be included, and savorthem, too. -*436.

With your "outside" eyes still closed, look out throughyour "inside" eyes again at the scene. Make the picturessharper, brighter, bolder and bigger. Make the soundsstronger, clearer, purer and more perfect. Make the feelingsstronger, richer, deeper, warmer. Follow the intensityof the feelings if they move from one place toanother, then loop them back to the beginning andintensify them. Loop them over and over as they getstronger and stronger. Let the feeling flood all over you.

7. Make everything twice as big and strong and pure. Thendouble it again. And again. Now your whole body and mindare luxuriating in the experience of it all. Seeing it, hearingit, feeling it. Make the sensations as strong as you can,and just when you can't make them any stronger, doublethem one more time and clench your fist hard and fast asyou anchor the height of the experience to your trigger.

Feel the sensations pour through you. Intensify themagain, then clench your fist at the height of the feelingsand release. Relax your hand and feel the sensations pourthrough your body. Do this one more time, then relax yourhand and the rest of your body. Come down in your owntime and relax.

Wait a minute or so, then test your trigger. Make a tightfist and notice the feelings rush into all your senses. Test itagain after a couple of minutes. You are ready to use thisReally Useful Attitude whenever you want.

44when we are dealing with fellow humans: useful anduseless.

How many times have you seen a newsmaker give aTV interview when she's frustrated? Or a salespersonserve you in a store when he clearly wishes he weresomewhere else, a colleague who is sarcastic to the veryperson who can get the photocopying done faster ifdesired, or passengers being rude to the cab driver whois the only person with the means to get them to thechurch on time? These are all Really Useless Attitudes.

As far as communication is concerned, they are virtuallyguaranteed to fail.

A Really Useful Attitude is one of the major deliveryvehicles of the likability factor—and it works like acharm. Your posture, your movements and your expressionwill speak volumes about you before you even openyour mouth.

The sooner you know what you want and which isthe most useful attitude to help you get it, the sooneryour body language and your voice and your words willchange to help you get it.

The conclusion is obvious. People who know whatthey want tend to get it because they are focused andpositive, and this is reflected outward and inward intheir attitude. Take on a cheery attitude the next timeyou meet someone new and see how your whole beingchanges to the part. Your look will be cheery, you'll45how to make people Like yousound cheery and you'll use cheery words. This is thefull "communication package." Other people makemajor adjustments in their responses to you based onthe signals you transmit. The next chapter will take adetailed look at how these signals combine to present apositive image.

Part 5 actions do speak louder than words

First impressions are powerful. Along with the instinctive fight-or -flight appraisals, we rae also weighing the opportunities involved in almost every new face-to-face encounter. No matter how hare we try, we cannot get away from the fact that image and appearance areimportant when meeting someone for the first time.

Dressing well goes a long way toward making a positiveimpression as you begin to establish rapport, but howdo you make people warm to you? And how do you pro-ject the likable parts of your own unique personality?

Chapter 1 Body Language

our body language, which includes your posture,X your expressions and your gestures, accounts formore than one-half of what other people respond to andmake assumptions about.

47how to make people Like you in 90 seconds or LessWhen people think of body language, they tend tothink it means what happens from the neck down. Butmuch of what we communicate to others—and whatthey make assumptions about—comes from the neckup. Facial gestures and nods and tilts of the head have avocabulary that equals or exceeds that of the body fromthe neck down.

The signals we send with our bodies are rich withmeaning and global in their scope. Some of them arehardwired into us at birth; others are picked up from oursociety and culture. Everywhere on the planet, panicinduces an uncontrollable shielding of the heart with thehands and/or a freezing of the limbs. A smile is a smileon all continents, while sadness is displayed throughdown-turned lips as often in New York as in Papua NewGuinea. The clenched fists of determination and theopen palms of truth convey the same message in Icelandas they do in Indonesia.

And no matter where on earth you find yourself,mothers and fathers instinctively cradle their babieswith the head against the left side of their body, close tothe heart. The heart is at the heart of it. Facial expressionsand body language are all obedient to the greaterpurpose of helping your body maintain the well-being ofits center of feeling, mood and emotion—your heart.

Volumes have been written about body language, butwhen all is said and done, this form of communication48can be broken down into two rather broad categories:

open and closed. Open body language exposes theheart, while closed body language defends or protectsit. In establishing rapport, we can also think in terms ofinclusive gestures and noninclusive gestures.

Open Body LanguageOpen body language exposes your heart and body(within limits of decency, of course!) and signals cooperation,agreement, willingness, enthusiasm and approval.

These gestures are meant to be seen. They show trust.

They say "YES!"Your body doesn't know how to lie. Unconsciously,with no directions from you, it transmits yourthoughts and feelings in a language of its own tothe bodies of other people, and these bodiesunderstand the language perfectly. Any contradictionsin the language can interrupt the developmentof rapport.

In his classic work How to Read a Person like a Book,Gerard I. Nierenberg explains the value of open gestures.

These gestures include open hands and uncrossed armsas well as the occasional subtle movement toward theother person that says "I am with you" and showsacceptance: an open coat or jacket, for example, both49literally and symbolically exposes the heart. When usedtogether, such gestures say "Things are going well."Positive, open-body gestures reach out to others.

These gestures are generally slow and deliberate. Whenan open person makes contact with the heart of anotherperson, a strong connection is made and trust becomespossible. (You know the feeling of a good hug? Or aheart-to-heart talk?)When you meet someone new, immediately pointyour heart warmly at that person's heart. There ismagic in this.

Other common open gestures include standing withyour hands on your hips and your feet apart, a stancethat shows enthusiasm and willingness, and moving forwardin your chair (if accompanied by other open gestures).

Leaning forward shows interest, and uncrossingyour arms or legs signals you are open to suggestions.

Closed Body LanguageDefensiveness is shown through gestures that protectthe body and defend the heart. These gestures suggestresistance, frustration, anxiety, stubbornness, nervousnessand impatience. They are negative gestures, andthey say "NO!"50Crossed arms are common to all manifestations ofdefensiveness. They hide the heart and defend one'sfeelings. Although you can also be relatively relaxedwith your arms crossed, the difference between arelaxed crossed-arm position and a defensive crossed-arm position is in the accompanying gestures. For example,are your arms loosely folded or pressed close toyour body? Are your hands clenched or open?

Defensive gestures are often fast and evasive andbeyond your conscious control. Your body has a mindof its own and is ruled by your attitude, useful or useless.

In addition to crossed arms, the most obviousdefensive gestures are avoiding eye contact with theother person and turning your body sideways. Fidgetingis another negative gesture, which can also show impatienceor nervousness.

Right away, you can see the difference between a personwho faces you squarely and honestly, and someonewho stands sideways to you with crossed arms andhunched shoulders while the two of you talk. In the firstinstance, the person is openly pointing his heart directlyat your heart. In the second, the posture is defensive;the person is pointing his heart away from you and protectingit. One is being open with you, the other closed.