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Being in the presence of these two postures producesvery different feelings.

51Smaller GesturesHand gestures are also part of the vocabulary of bodylanguage. They, too, can be divided into open gestures(positive responses) and closed or concealed gestures(negative responses), except that their range is far moreintricate and expressive. I should point out that individualgestures, just like the individual words on this page,don't say much. Only when you're presented with morethan one gesture, perhaps combined with an expressionand topped off with some overall body language, canyou deduce that a particular clenched fist means "Wow,my horse came in first!" and not "I'm so mad I want toslap him!"A similar set of differences occurs in body languageabove the neck. The open face smiles, makes eye contact,gives feedback, shows curiosity and raises the eyebrowsto show interest. In a casual encounter, a quicklook and a lowering of the eyes says, "I trust you. I'm notafraid of you." A prolonged look strengthens the positivesignal. In conversation, we may use a nod of the head atthe end of a statement to indicate that an answer isexpected.

In contrast, the closed face frowns, purses the lipsand avoids eye contact. And there is yet another negativecategory to add to facial responses. We politely callit the neutral, or expressionless, face. It's the one thatjust gawks at you like a dead trout. In the next chapter,52you'll find out how to react to this "non-face," which canbe very disconcerting if you don't know how to dealwith it.

Frequently I look around at my audiences and recognizepeople who have heard me talk before. I recognizethem because they have "the look of recognition" ontheir face when they see me. It's a look, or even an attitude,of silent anticipation that any minute I'll recognizethem. Well, this look can work wonders—from time totime—with people you haven't met before. If you're onyour own, try it out right now. Let your mouth openslightly in a smile as your eyebrows arch and your headtilts back a little with anticipation as you look directlyat an imaginary person. A variation is to tilt your headas you look slightly away and then look back at the personwith the bare minimum of a frown and/or pursedlips. Practice. Then give it a try. Be as subtle as you possiblycan.

Last spring, I rented a bus for my daughter and herfriends to be chauffeured around in on the night of theirprom. While I was paying at the rental office, I noticed awoman sitting at the next desk over. She had a look onher face that said she knew me, and I racked my brain toplace her. I couldn't.

In the end I had to say, "I'm sorry, but have we metbefore?""No," she replied seriously. Then she stood up at her

Chapter 2 Flirting

Classic flirting behavior involves letting someone knowyou like him or her and that you'd like to pursue it further.

Not surprisingly, body language plays a huge part inthis game, and even less surprisingly, so does eye contact.

Dozens of little gestures are used to send out sexualmessages: the tilt of the head, holding eye contact a littlelonger than normal, the angle of the hips and the handsthrough the hair. Glancing sideways is a gesture that can suggestdoubt on its own, but combined with a slight smile anda narrowing of the eyes it is a powerful gesture of flirtation.

A man sends out signals with his swagger; a woman, byrolling her hips. A man loosens his tie ever so slightly; awoman moistens her lips. On and on, the parties conveytheir interest in each other through their stances, glancesand postures until some small gesture synchronizes andsends the O.K.

desk, held out her hand to me and smiled. "Hi, I'mNatalie," she said.

I had been obliged to speak first, and she had donethe polite thing. She had stood up, offered her hand,smiled and introduced herself. All completely innocent—or was it? I have no idea. But we had rapport, and shehad me talking.

Chapter 3 Congruity

Why do we like great actors and take them seriously when we know they're only speaking lines that someone else wrote? Because they are believable:because they are congruent.

In 1967, Professor Albert Mehrabian, currently pro-fessor emeritus of psychology at UCLA, carried out themost widely quoted study on communication. He determinedthat believability depends on the consistency, orcongruity, of three aspects of communication. In a papertitled "Decoding of Inconsistent Communication," hereported the percentages of a message expressedthrough our different communication channels in thisway: interestingly, 55% of what we respond to takesplace visually; 38% of what we respond to is the sound

Chapter 4 Mixed Messages.

Rosa, a waitress, folds up the ad she's torn from a newspaper,clears off the table where her new computer willsit and leaves her apartment.

At the electronics store, as Rosa hovers over the latestdesktop model from Megahype, a young salesman noticesthe ad in her hand and wanders over to her. He unbuttonshis jacket, spreads his hands out, palms up, and looks herin the eye. "I see you found it already," he says with asmile. "Hi, my name's Tony."For the next 10 minutes, a relaxed and sincere Tony talksto Rosa. He faces her with his hands exposed and leans forwardfrom time to time as they discuss the features of thecomputer. Rosa listens with interest, her head tilted to oneside and her hand on her cheek, as Tony offers to "throwin" $95 of extras and even agrees to "eat the tax."Finally, stroking her chin as she forms a decision, Rosanods. "Yes," she says, "this is the model for me.""Great," says Tony, eagerly rubbing his palms together.

"It will take about five minutes to take it down and findsome boxes."Rosa looks sideways at him and frowns. "You don't havea new one in a box?""That might be hard to find right now." Tony's handsbecome fists, and he pops them into his pockets. -*56"They're such an unbelievable deal—they've just been flyingout of the store." He buttons up his jacket, shrugs hisshoulders and laughs nervously.

"So this is a demonstration model?" Rosa tilts her head,inquiring.

"Just came on the floor this morning," Tony shoots backwith an insincere smile. He folds his arms in front of hischest and turns himself sideways to her, pretending to bedistracted by something going on in the TV departmentnearby. His voice falters and weakens as he says, "It has thesame warranty as a new one."Rosa rubs the side of her nose in doubt. "Came on thefloor this morning? Fine. Can I have that in writing?"Tony's back is turned to her as he leans over the monitor,fiddling with the cables—any excuse not to look at her.

He catches a glimpse of himself in one of the wall mirrors.

Oh boy, what an idiot I am, he thinks. He bites his lip andturns back to face Rosa.

But Rosa is gone.

As a good waitress, Rosa is used to reading body language.

She saw that the salesman's gestures conflicted(lacked congruity) with his words, and she knew thatshe should believe the gestures. The change in Tony'svoice tone from informing to pleading just served toconfirm her feelings of doubt.

57of communication; and 1% of what we respond toinvolves the actual words we use.

The Professor called these the three "V's" of communication:

the visual, the vocal and the verbal. And tobe believable, they must all give out the same message.

This is at the very foundation of rapport by design.

Over one-half of all communication is nonverbal! It isthe look of the communication, our body language, thatcounts the most: the way we act, dress, move, gesture,and so on.

Need proof? Think of the last time you were withsomeone who stood with her arms crossed, tappingher foot and looking annoyed, and then huffed the words"I'm fine." Which clues did you believe—the words orthe body language and tone of voice? Physical messagesoften send a much louder message than spoken words.

Since 55% of your communication occurs as body language,see how easy it is, whether consciously or not, tosignal either openness or defensiveness to another personby means of your body language. Gestures, ratherthan words, are the true indicators of your instinctivereactions.

If you want others to believe that you can be trusted,you must be congruent. Your spoken language and yourbody language must say the same thing. If they don't,the other person's body will signal its discomfort toyour body. In response to this communication, your

Chapter 5 Words vs. Tone

Say each phrase below with different tonality: anger,boredom, surprise and flirtatiousness. Notice how your| body language, facial expression and breathing combine toalter your emotional state.

"It's late.""I've had enough.""Look at me.""Where were you born?"To check your tonality, find a friend and say one or twoof these phrases. See if your friend can tell you which ofthe four feelings you're expressing. If it's not obvious, keepworking at it until it's clear.

body will signal to your brain by mixing up a chemicalcocktail that corresponds to the discomfort that theother person is feeling. Then you will both be uncomfortable,and rapport will be that much harder toachieve. When they notice a discrepancy between yourwords and gestures, other people will believe the gesturesand react accordingly.

So, congruity occurs when your body, voice tone andwords are all in alignment. And when your body, tone59and words are communicating the same thing, youwill appear sincere and people will tend to believe you.

This is why a Really Useful Attitude is so important.

Appearing sincere, or congruent, is a key ingredient forbuilding the trust that opens the door to likability andrapport.

Make sure that your words, your tonality and yourgestures are all saying the same thing. Be on thelookout for incongruity in others. Notice how itmakes you feel.

We've all seen those old movies where a couple ofpeople are driving along in a car, and they're rocking thesteering wheel even though the background shows aroad that's straight as an arrow. It's phony—you knowthey're really in a studio being bounced around in a box.

Your senses have told you that something isn't right,something is out of alignment, and so you can't believewhat you see. Or have you ever had someone get mad atyou and then, in the middle of bawling you out, flash asinister little smile that disappears as fast as it came?

Very chilling. This is another example of incongruentbehavior. The smile doesn't belong with the anger; it'sinsincere.

Recognizing incongruent behavior is another survivalinstinct. If you're on vacation and you're approached60by a complete stranger who grins at you while herubs his hands briskly together, licks his lips andsays, "Good morning, how would you like to invest inthe world's best time-share deal," the chances are you'llbe on your guard. A quick congruence check is instinctiveand is another reason why first impressions areparamount.

Frequently a person's emotions and intentions aremisunderstood by those around them. For instance, awoman at one of my seminars discovered that sheunconsciously used a tone of voice that was incongruentwith her words. "No, I'm not confused, I'm interested,"she would insist when tested. And again, "No, I'mnot sad, I'm relaxed." This went on and on until shecame to the verge of tears and said, "Now I know why mykids are always saying, 'Mom, how come you get mad atus all the time?' And I'm not mad at them. Sometimes I'mjust excited."The same woman also told us that her coworkersaccused her of sarcasm but that, to her, nothing couldbe further from the truth. In fact, sarcasm is simplywords said with conflicting voice tone. It is structuredso the person on the receiving end will believe what'sinferred by the tonality. Suppose you let your teamdown and somebody is heard to quip, "That was brilliant,"with a tonality that communicates annoyance.

It's a very different case when you score a fantastic goal61and the same person is heard to say with excitement,"That was brilliant!"Congruity, then, has one unshakable rule and it isthis: If your gestures, tone and words do not say thesame thing, people will believe the gestures. Go up tosomeone you know, purse your lips and say, "I really likeyou," with your eyebrows raised and your arms folded.

Ask them what they think. Even better, go find a mirrorand try it. Well? You get my point. Your gestures are agiveaway to what you really mean.

Chapter 6 Being Yourself

Do you feel nervous when you meet someone new?

Physiologically, being nervous and being excitedhave a lot in common: pounding heart, churning tummy,high chest breathing and the general jitters. But one ofthese states might send you hightailing it for the nearestdark corner while the other one can serve you well andpropel you forward. There is a tendency for panic toaccompany nervousness, and this quite naturally makesbodily activities speed up. Because much of your nervousnessstems from increased awareness, try redirectingsome of your awareness toward slowing downand being more deliberate. One great technique is toimagine that your nostrils are just below your naveland that your in-and-out breaths are happening down62there. The slower you are, within reason, the more incontrol you will appear.

The sooner you start telling yourself that you'reexcited rather than nervous, the sooner you'll be able toconvince your subconscious that this is actually howyou feel. And, in fact, that's really all that matters.

Change your attitude, and your body language and voicetone will change to reflect your new attitude. Keep inmind that most people are as eager as you are to establishrapport. They will generously give you the benefit ofthe doubt.

Don't try too hard! In a study conducted atPrinceton University, students of both sexes werequestioned about their methods of sizing up peoplethey met for the first time. Overeagerness wasone of the most reported turnoffs. Don't smile toohard, don't try to be too witty, don't be overpoliteand avoid the temptation to be patronizing.

As you become more at ease with your attitude, peoplewill begin to notice characteristics that are uniqueto you—that set you apart from the others and defineyou as an individual. You will naturally and easily projectthe likable parts of your own unique personality andhave more conscious control and confidence in yourability to create rapport at will.

63It's just about impossible to be incongruent whenyou are operating from inside any kind of attitude, usefulor otherwise. Because your attitude precedes you, itis an essential component of the first impression youmake on new acquaintances.